Liquid Courage

by Hildred Billings

  Kat hadn’t been kidding when she told her date to dress warmly early Sunday afternoon. They met about two blocks away from the docks, and the sea wind carried enough chill to freeze Vivian in the marrow of her bones.

  Good thing she had worn the nicest sweater dress in her arsenal and winter-ready leggings within her knee-high boots. She even had a matching wool hat, muffler, and mitten set to ensure she was fashionable and still warm while she stood outside a café, waiting for Kat. Vivian’s date arrived right on time, wearing a baggy coat over her jeans and long-sleeve shirt. She was hardly perturbed by the sea air, and probably for good reason – she worked around there, didn’t she? Kat was used to the chill.

  “Look at you,” Kat said with a whistle through her teeth. “Putting me to shame.”

  “You’re the one who looks like she was able to just roll right out of bed. In the good way.”

  “C’mon. It’s been thirty seconds and you’re already talking about me in bed.”

  “No!” Vivian laughed into her muffler. “That’s not what I meant!”

  “You sure?”

  Don’t get me wound up already. Maybe, if they were close to Kat’s apartment. Then Vivian could coolly suggest they go into that heated space and Netflix and chill. But nope. They were by the docks. Walking distance of Kat’s place, but they weren’t going to end up there on accident. It would be 100% on purpose. This time, Vivian would be ready.

  But that would come later. First, Vivian wanted to enjoy this date for what it was.

  “So what are we doing here?”

  Kat gestured to the wooden path leading toward the beach. The only people enjoying the sand and waves that day were locals who weren’t perturbed by a little chill. The tourists would either come back in the summer or spend their weekend holed up inside, doomed to enjoy the views without becoming a part of them. Good thing I wore my boots today. Vivian stuck her mittened-hands into her coat pocket and enjoyed the bright sunshine illuminating the choppy sea.

  “One of my friends owns that place with the great balcony. I get a discount.”

  “So I’m a discount date?”

  “If it turns you on, sure!”

  Vivian laughed as she followed Kat down the wooden trail. Someone’s hyperactive retriever took off past them, a stick in his mouth and a harried owner chasing after him. Vivian had to move over to keep from being doggy road kill, and it sent her straight into Kat’s awaiting grasp.

  “Did you plan this?” She didn’t fight to escape Kat’s hold. If anything, having a warm arm wrapped around her ensured that she didn’t freeze to death in the wintery air. It might not snow at sea level, but the biting wind was enough to make them shiver if they weren’t close enough to feast upon another woman’s body heat.

  “What? For a dog to run by so I would have an excuse to put my arm around you?” Kat scoffed. “I was gonna do it anyway.”

  “You were?”

  “Hell, yes. Don’t know who else might be around here. Need to make sure every woman on this beach knows that you’re mine today.”

  Vivian hid her blushing cheeks in Kat’s jacket. “Only today?”

  “One day at a time, Viv.”

  “Vivi.”

  “Right. Vivi.”

  “What?” They walked slowly enough for Vivian to stay in step with Kat’s longer strides. “Don’t you think it suits me?”

  “It definitely makes you sound cute.”

  “You don’t like cute?”

  “I like whatever you’re peddling. Cute, sweet, sexy… over the top erotic… it’s all good.”

  They stumbled toward the café on the beach. At that time of year, the place was all but empty save for the hardiest locals eating their fish and chips and shrimp salads. The menu touted that every piece of seafood was freshly caught, and the greens were driven in from the nearest farms. The tourist-tax made sure Vivian knew that this was one of the most expensive cafés they could visit.

  The only waitress on duty sat them by the window after Kat conceded it might be too cold to sit outside. They removed their top layers and gazed upon each other’s frozen faces while awaiting their waters and the crackers to go with the soups they ordered.

  “So how do you know the owner?” Vivian fished for any topic that took the pressure off her. “Old girlfriend of yours?”

  “No. That would actually be illegal in some states.”

  Vivian made a sour face.

  “She’s my cousin,” Kat explained. “First cousin, too. We kinda grew up together for parts of our childhoods.”

  “Whoa. Really?” Vivian was impressed. “Is she here today? I’d love to meet her.”

  “Doubt it. Pretty sure she’s at her mom’s house with the husband and kids.”

  “What about your mom?”

  Kat didn’t miss a beat. “What about your mom?”

  “I asked first.”

  “You probably have a better story than I do.”

  I see. Vivian certainly didn’t want to drag up any bad feelings on their first official date. She must not have a good relationship with her mom. But she clearly had a good enough relationship with her cousin to get a discount at a place like this. “So then you must be from around the area.”

  “Grew up one town over. You?”

  “My family moved here when my sister and I were in high school.” Phyllis had been a senior and Vivian a freshman. “But my parents recently moved out of state. My sister and I stayed here because we had jobs. I live with her to save on rent.”

  “You live with your sister?” The waitress brought the crackers and waters. “Must be awkward when you bring women over.”

  The waitress pursed her lips, as if to say, “Oookay, then.” She left as quickly as possible.

  Vivian shrugged. “I’ve never brought anyone over. Not like that, anyway.”

  “Aww.” Kat propped her chin up on her hand. “I find that hard to believe. Unless you happen to know every lesbian in the county with her own little cozy place.”

  How do I tell her that it’s been ages since I properly hooked up with someone? “My sister and I have only been living together since I came back home from college. So, a couple of years. Spent half that time getting over being sick.”

  “Oh, right.” Kat ripped open one of the cracker packets. “I forgot about that.”

  I wish I could forget about it. “It was rough. Was in the hospital for a few weeks, and when they finally let me go home, I spent most of my time either in bed or on the couch. When my sister wasn’t around, my mom came by to baby me. I had no life. No appetite, either. Whenever I wasn’t asleep, I was watching daytime TV, and I don’t have to tell you how mind-numbing that is.”

  “Did it fuck up your work?”

  “No, they were really good about giving me medical leave. Unpaid after my sick time ran out, but it was better than having no job to go back to.” If Vivian had anything other than a desk job, she may have been in real trouble, for she had absolutely no energy to do anything beyond sitting at her desk. She was a lot better now, but every so often she had to stop running errands and sit down for a few minutes. It was like her lungs threatened to explode if she didn’t mind her breaths. “You know what I want to know? How I ever got sick. And why did I get it so badly? I thought I was the perfect age for a quick recovery. Turns out I’m really unlucky.”

  “Must’ve been a really bad strain.”

  “I guess. The doctors didn’t really have any answers. They said I could’ve gotten it from someone at work or on the bus. Just had to be close enough for the right amount of time. I guess people can be carriers while hardly ever showing any symptoms. How fair is that? I’m probably going to have some problems for the rest of my life.”

  “Hopefully nothing too serious.”

  “My stamina is greatly affected.” Vivian’s face lit up when she received her minestrone soup and salad. “I used to jog for fun. Not anymore.”

  Kat chuckled.

  “What? You think it’s funny t
hat I get winded after five blocks now?”

  “Not what I thought you were going to say after you mentioned that you have no stamina.”

  Vivian locked her fingers together. She could purse her lips just as well as the waitress, too. “You really only have one thing on your mind, huh?”

  “Just making sure I get all of the facts.”

  “So is that what this is about?” Vivian kept her tone light, but she also wasn’t above fishing for some truth out of Kat’s dirty mind. “You gonna get me some food and drink before taking me back to your place?”

  “Nah. Thought we’d do some other stuff in between too. I was just hungry.”

  Vivian didn’t know what to make of Kat sometimes. She was so self-assured – something Vivian could never hope to be anytime soon. One moment she made a girl feel like the sexiest lady in the world. The next? Like she was easily replaced, because Kat couldn’t be assed to think about anything but sex. And if her date wasn’t in the mood, then what good was she?

  No, don’t do this to yourself. Those were self-destructive thoughts getting the best of her again. Kat wouldn’t be on a real date with her if all she cared about was sex. Didn’t she normally work on Sundays? She must have cleared her schedule for this date. And it wasn’t like she didn’t have access to a bunch of gay women every single night!

  “Sorry.” Vivian didn’t know why she was apologizing. Kat hadn’t been serious… probably. “The truth is, that night we met was my first time going on a date since getting better. I’m so out of practice. I mean, it’s not like I was a big dater even before I got sick. But a lot changed during those months. I’m not exactly the same woman I used to be.”

  “Is that a bad thing? People change. Life events, getting older… eh. Some things always stay the same, I guess, but who cares? Change isn’t a bad thing.”

  Vivian hadn’t meant to frown on this date, but she couldn’t help it. Hearing Kat say it like that brought some uncomfortable thoughts to the forefront of her mind. “On one hand, I guess I’m a lot more appreciative about having a life and not taking things for granted. On the other… I don’t like how self-conscious being sick made me.”

  “Because of your weight loss?”

  “It’s not just the numbers on the scale or what I see in the mirror. It’s how I feel.” Vivian’s soup had cooled enough to let her have a sip. “My doctor says I’m back in a healthy range and my bloodwork is really good. My family says I look slimmer, not skinnier, because words are important, right? My old clothes don’t look like tents on me anymore. But that doesn’t change the fact that my bones feel brittle when people hug me or I can’t walk around the mall without getting winded and needing to sit down for an hour. I hate it. I hate what being sick did to me. I feel like I was stolen from my body and put in somebody else’s. I feel like a joke.”

  Kat was contemplative for a few moments. Then, “Obviously, I can’t feel what you’re feeling so I can tell you if you’re full of shit or not. Even if I could, it’s none of my business to tell you if you’re full of shit. But I can tell you that you look great. And for what it’s worth…” she leaned over her soup, the steam adding a touch of pink to her cheeks, “I don’t think I’m going to break you when I hug you.”

  Vivian couldn’t bear to look at her when she said such embarrassing things like that! “You mean shoving me against your wall.”

  “Same difference, honestly.”

  “You’re just saying that.”

  “What in the world do I have to gain from doing that? I already know you like me. Besides, I’m not the type to blow smoke I don’t believe in up your ass so I can get laid. You’re not the only one who knows what it feels like to be super self-conscious.”

  “Really? You? What do you have to be self-conscious about?”

  Kat laughed. “I’ve spent half my life feeling like a freak because I’m not hyper-feminine. Why do you think my mom and I ain’t pals? If she had her way, I would look like some Victoria’s Secret supermodel. She used to sign me up for pageants when I was a kid. The really scary shit. Curly wigs, frilly dresses, and tap dancing lessons.”

  “No fucking way!”

  “Way. Turns out I’m a big ol’ lesbian who, as my mom puts it, is stuck in 1995. Not sure what gay bars my mom was hanging out in back then since I was a little kid in ’95, but all right. Besides…” Kat stirred her spoon around her clam chowder. She didn’t take a bite. “Even in my adult life, other women – women who are supposed to be attracted to the wonderful differences that make up femininity and womanhood or what the fuck ever – have a bunch of shitty opinions about my appearance too. They either hate the fact I ‘look like a fifteen-year-old boy’ as they put it, or that I still wear some makeup now and then. Turns out, I’m not always in the mood to debate the way I express my gender.”

  “Now we’re in personal politics.”

  “Bullshit, right? I embraced lesbianism so I could get away from talking about my gender. I’m supposed to be on the same page as everyone else. You think I’m a girl, right?”

  Vivian was going to give a practical answer before thinking of something cheekier – and something that would turn the tone of their conversation back to flirty and fun. “Dunno. I’m gonna have to do more investigating later.”

  “Snap, right, I haven’t taken off my clothes in front of you yet.”

  The waitress still clearly overheard them, for she abandoned her post by the front podium and pretended to be engrossed with a stack of uneven menus far, far away on the other side of the café.

  ***

  Kat had no idea what to expect on a date with Vivian. Talking about their deepest, darkest issues fifteen minutes in… yeah, that was definitely not on any list of expectations.

  Can’t believe I told her about that shit. Kat rarely went into the insecurities she still sometimes felt regarding how she dressed and cut her hair. She had never seen herself as anything but a woman. Growing up, she heard every message from her TV and YA books that said she could still be a formidable woman even if she never wore skirts or makeup. These days? People still assumed she wanted to be a man. Even in the so-called LGBT clubs she left as soon as she joined, because she was tired of explaining that lesbianism still existed.

  My mom says I’m not a real woman. Ass-crumpits like Shari say I’m an inferior woman. It never ends. Logic told Kat that the world was set up to brainwash women into tearing each other down. It happened even in the bar, where 99 percent of the patrons were self-identified women and claimed to be totally above that behavior.

  Even Kat was guilty of it sometimes. How many times had she looked at Shari working her evil magic and thought, “Real women don’t do this to each other.”

  It amazed her that someone as conventionally feminine as Vivian, with her silky long hair, made-up face, and clothes straight from the department store window, could face the same kind of insecurities. People are terrible to each other.

  These realizations meant Kat worked even harder to make it a great day – for the both of them.

  After lunch, where they changed the topic to what high school had been like for them, they went for a walk on the frigid beach. They didn’t see the energetic retriever, but a tiny Chihuahua in booties and a sweater barked at the tide and threatened to tear apart a piece of seaweed while its owner read a book.

  “Come to the beach often?”

  “No,” Vivian admitted. “Too crowded in the summer, and too cold in the winter.”

  Kat took her date’s hand. “Oh, no, is this thing frozen?”

  Vivian nodded. “Yes. It’s a terrible problem. Could you please do something about it?”

  The only thing Kat could think to do was to kiss the mitten while keeping smoldering eye contact with her giggly date.

  “Gorgeous,” Kat said with a sigh. “Somehow, I’ve ended up with the prettiest girl on this beach.”

  Vivian looked around. “I don’t see any other women here.”

  “You’re the prettiest!”<
br />
  They ambled for close to a mile, where the city buildings disappeared behind a beachside hill and the vacation homes atop it. There wasn’t another soul in any direction they turned. Sea’s too choppy for the boats to be out. Air too cold for most people to bother with a walk. That meant Kat could get away with stopping in the middle of the sand and pulling Vivian into her arms for a kiss.

  She had been talking about something. Work. Coworkers. Uppity bosses who looked down on her… something like that. Kat had been half-listening while trying to decide whether to kiss her or not. She gave Vivian ample warning before locking their cold lips together. Enough warning for Vivian to be ready to kiss her back right away.

  “Did you know?” Kat said, as her lips slowly warmed up, “That you have the most kissable lips in the city?”

  “You would know, huh?” Vivian’s fingers clutched her date’s jacket. “You get to see pairs of pretty lips every night at the bar.”

  “Sipping on beer, no less. And let me tell you, a little liquid courage is really good at opening those lips.”

  “Prove it.”

  “What?” Kat laughed. “I don’t have anything to drink right now.”

  “You could drink me up.”

  “You sure you don’t wanna go back to my place right now?”

  “Oh, well.” Vivian slowly walked away, always glancing over her shoulder to see what Kat would do. “If you wanna play it that way, I guess I’ll be going.”

  “Get back here.” Kat snatched her hand and pulled Vivian into yet another fabled kiss.

  She could have spent the whole afternoon kissing Vivian on that beach. Nipping her ear. Sucking her throat. Teasing her tongue and feeling her up through layers of winter clothing that accentuated instead of hiding her figure she was so damn insecure about. She has no right to be, honestly. How could a woman as beautiful as her be allowed to feel so bad about it? To not believe it? Kat was willing to spend the rest of her life proving it to her.

  Whoa. There’s a heavy thought. The rest of her life, huh? Damn. Let’s cool our jets, sweetie. Just because you’re thirsty for acknowledgment and love, doesn’t mean you go giving your heart to the first woman who doesn’t outright reject you for whatever asinine reason.