Striving for Acceptance

by B. L. Mooney

  “Oh, no.” I put my hand up. “That isn’t what I meant. I do trust him and you, as well.”

  “Okay, so what’s this about?”

  “How did you trust him?”

  “How? I’m not following.” She smiled. “You want to know how to get a girl to trust you.”

  “Yes. I do want someone to trust me.”

  “Someone specific? Say, a specific tenant, maybe?”

  “I see Blake has already discussed this with you.”

  “Of course. He’s already writing his Best Man speech.”

  I shook my head. “He probably is, but I’m not talking about marriage. I just want her to trust me.”

  She sat up and leaned forward a little to look at me. “Why?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Why do you want her to trust you? What’s your motivation?”

  “I want to help her.”

  She sat back and shook her head. “Nope, I’m sorry. You can’t help someone unless they want to help themselves.”

  “Was there a good answer to that question?”

  “Yes, but you didn’t say it. And no, I’m not telling you what it was.” She picked up another magazine and crossed her legs. “We all want to be trusted. We all want to be someone people want to be around and talk to. Just saying you want to help her isn’t a good enough motivation. It makes you a great guy, but not one I would necessarily trust just because he wants to help.”

  “I’m confused.”

  “Yeah, I’m confused, too. That sounded better in my head, but I think you understand what I’m trying to say.”

  “No, actually, I don’t.”

  “You’re a cop. You want to help everyone, and it’s your job to help everyone. Trust is important to obtain in order to do your job. She doesn’t sound like a girl to me right now. She sounds like a job, a problem you want to resolve.”

  “Okay, that made sense.”

  “Do you trust her?”

  “Yes.”

  She stopped flipping through the magazine and looked at me. “Really?”

  “I showed her the plans to the restaurant.”

  The magazine was flung to the coffee table as she sat up. “This is serious.” She narrowed her eyes at me as if to see me better. “You like her.”

  “Well, I do, but . . .”

  “No, finish what you were going to say.”

  “There’s this trust issue.”

  She clapped really loud and ran over to sit on my lap. “That’s the right answer!”

  Blake came running in. “She only claps for me. What the hell is going on in here?”

  “Mick has a girlfriend!”

  “I already told you that.” He pointed to the magazine. “Oh, we’re trying some of this stuff later.” He looked at me. “Not you, buddy. Her and me.”

  I shook my head as he left, and then looked at a beaming girl on my lap. “Are you finished yet?”

  “No. So, what’s her hang-up?”

  “I don’t know. That’s the problem.”

  “Have you asked her?”

  “I’m not allowed to ask her questions.”

  “Oh. Bring her over here. I’ll get it out of her.”

  “I’m not allowed to date her.”

  “Mick, honey, you should find a woman who maybe isn’t so much of a challenge.” She looked at me. “What are you allowed to do?”

  “Well . . .” I looked away.

  She got up. “Okay, gross. I’m happy for you, but that just turned awkward.”

  “Just?” I shook my head and stood up. “It was awkward for me from the moment you sat down. I don’t think I’ll ever understand you girls.”

  “You’re not supposed to. It makes life more interesting.” She came over and hugged me. “I’ll think on it, but you’re in for one hell of an uphill battle if she’s limiting you already.” She slapped my arms before she went back to her magazine. “Her shop is open now, right?”

  “Yes, but—”

  “I’m just saying this place could use some fresh flowers,” she turned her head and yelled, “since I never get flowers anymore.”

  I chuckled as I let myself out. It may have been a mistake to ask Maria for advice.

  “Do you feel they were sincere?” Joseph’s questions always made me think about things I’d never thought of before.

  I thought back to the dinner with my parents. “I think so. Why wouldn’t they be?”

  “I’m not saying they wouldn’t be. I’m asking if you feel they are. It’s important to know how you feel about this because it could be the difference of forgiving them or not.”

  “I do feel they were sincere, but I guess I don’t have a very good track record of reading that.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “My ex-husband. Craig. Take your pick. There’s any number of relationships where I thought we had a good thing going and it ended up being just a bunch of shit.”

  “What happened in your marriage?”

  “He wanted a business partner, not a wife. It was clear, but I didn’t see it until it was too late.”

  “How did you notice it?”

  “At first, it was great. I really felt like part of a team. We were both on the same page as far as family was concerned. Neither one of us wanted one; we just wanted to be married. I would get almost a rush when he liked a suggestion I made. You know, that’s actually when he proposed. I had just solved a huge issue he couldn’t think through, and he just blurted it out.” I shook my head. “Maybe neither one of us really wanted it.”

  “You felt accepted.”

  “Yes. He was the first to accept me as I was. He let me go to school even when I received my third college degree. He didn’t care. Everyone else was telling me to get a job.”

  “Why do you think you went to school so much?”

  “I was just trying to find something to connect with. I was good at each of the degrees I worked for, so I thought that would be the one to stick. When I graduated and looked for a job, it was suffocating.”

  “You thought you’d be stuck doing something you didn’t want to?”

  “I know that’s ridiculous. Millions of people are stuck doing what they don’t want to. I shouldn’t have been any different.”

  “Never say how you felt is ridiculous. It’s your feeling; no one can take that away from you.” He put his notepad down and looked at me. “How did you misread Craig?”

  I was waiting for that question. I turned my head and looked out the window. “My husband hadn’t touched me in years. I was strictly a business partner then. He didn’t even sleep in the same room when he was home.” I looked at my thumb. “Craig told me I was beautiful when I felt very ugly. I thought he was sincere.”

  “Do you still feel ugly?”

  I thought back to Mick and the attraction he felt for me. It was obvious he at least thought I wasn’t ugly. He did say I was beautiful, but it was hard to believe after Craig. “No, I don’t feel ugly.”

  “Do you feel beautiful?”

  “No.” I looked at Joseph. “I’ve been keeping something from you because I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want the lecture again about how I need to be safe or think through my decisions.”

  “It sounds to me like you’ve felt judged in this room. If that’s the case, I offer my apologies. I’ve never judged you for any action or inaction you’ve decided on. It is your life to live as you wish. My job is to make sure you’ve thought things through. There is no judgment coming from me.”

  “I understand that. I just feel that I disappoint you sometimes.”

  “As your therapist, I have no expectations set for you to disappoint me. I’m here only to help you work through things. I may point you in a direction you haven’t thought of, but I would never be disappointed in a decision you made.”

  “I’m sleeping with Mick.”

  “How did that start?”

  “A fight, actually. He told me I didn’t have the right to be a bitch and tre
at people like shit. Then he told me I was a beautiful and caring person when I allowed myself to be and that was the person he kept coming back for.”

  “And you felt he was sincere enough to have sex?”

  “It isn’t too often people call me out on my attitude.” I shrugged. “Plus, he was a really good kisser.”

  “So, this is the same arrangement as Al?”

  “Not exactly.” I looked out the window again. “We have the same understanding that it’s just sex, but we also have conversations. Al and I never talked.”

  “Are you okay with that?”

  I shrugged. “I’d rather not talk, but so far he seems okay.”

  The bell dinged, and I stood. He stood, as well. “I had hoped to watch the time better, but it got away from me.”

  I looked at Joseph and narrowed my eyes. “What’s on your mind?”

  “I’d like to invite Drew back into some of the sessions.”

  I straightened my posture. “Why? I don’t need to discuss anything with her.”

  “I won’t ask her without your permission, but this is one of the things I’m going to ask you to trust me about.”

  “Fine, but if I don’t like how the session is going, I will stop it.”

  “That’s fair.”

  I sat in my car in front of the shop. I didn’t expect to say so much about Tom or Craig. I didn’t like thinking about them. They weren’t in my life, so I didn’t feel the need to. My family, my parents, those are the people I needed to talk about. They were the ones I would continue to see. I needed to work through that past.

  I got out of the car, ready to take a million questions from Rachael about the session. I was happy we were closer, but I didn’t want to talk to her about Tom or Craig, either. I pushed through the door with a fake smile, hoping she would buy it was a good session.

  “What are you doing here?” My smile was no longer fake when I saw Mick wearing an apron. He looked good. He would’ve looked better with nothing on under the apron. My smile grew.

  “Rachael asked me to take over for a few minutes.” He smiled. “You look happy.”

  “It’s picturing you in that apron and nothing else that makes me smile.” I walked up and kissed him. “Maybe we’ll have to bring one of these upstairs with us some day.”

  “Oh, role playing.” He kissed me. “I like it.”

  I should’ve known better than to start making out with him in the middle of the day. I wanted him badly, but I’d have to wait until closing time. I couldn’t stop kissing him, though. He tasted so sweet, and I couldn’t get enough once I started.

  I heard the bell above the door ding, followed by someone clearing their throat. I stopped kissing Mick but put my forehead to his and smiled. “To be continued.”

  I walked out from behind the display we were using as a poor cover and stopped when I looked at Drew. Joseph wasted no time in calling her. She was my brother’s fiancée and the first to be duped by Craig.

  “Drew.” I nodded and walked toward her. “He must not have waited for me to even leave his lobby before calling you.”

  She looked confused. “Who?”

  “Joseph.”

  “No one called me. I’m here to look at the vases you wanted to show me for the reception. You did say you’d have them by today, right?”

  “Yes.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry. Yes, they’re in the back.” I turned to Mick. “Could you cover the front for just a few more minutes?”

  “Sure.” He turned to Drew and back to me.

  I rolled my eyes. “Mick, this is Drew. Drew, this is Mick.”

  “It’s nice to meet you.” He held his hand out to her.

  “It’s nice to meet you, too.” She shook his hand. “I’m her brother’s fiancée.”

  I held my breath while I waited for his response on what he was to me. “Ah, yes. I’ve heard about the wedding. Congrats to your groom. He’s a lucky man.”

  “Thank you.”

  I scoffed and headed to the back room as Drew followed me. I began to set out the vases for her to choose from. I thought about just setting out two and getting it over with sooner, but I had to remember this was her day and she was marrying my brother. If nothing else, I wanted it special for him.

  “Why the hostility, Deb?” She stood in the doorway. “I thought we were getting past this. Was I wrong?”

  I shook my head. “No, I thought we were, too.”

  “So, what happened, and why is Joseph going to call me?”

  “He wants you to attend another session with me.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I don’t know what he’s doing.”

  “I can turn him down if you’d like.”

  “No, I’m supposed to trust him.” I placed the last of the vases out for her to look at. “Come if you want to. I won’t stop you.”

  She looked back out to the front. “He’s cute.”

  “Yeah, he thinks you’re pretty special, too.”

  She smiled. “So there’s the rest of it.”

  I looked around. “Of what?”

  “The hostility. Your boyfriend doesn’t want me. He was just being nice.”

  “He isn’t my boyfriend.” I pointed to the vases. “Which ones do you like?”

  She looked them over and looked back to me. “Do you still believe Craig’s version of events?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then why is it so hard for you to talk to me?” She took a step closer. “We’re going to be family soon, but I’d like to be your friend.”

  I looked up to the ceiling. “How can you even stand the sight of me?” I looked at her. “I was a complete bitch to you.”

  Drew was pissed when she stood in the doorway. “What the fuck is that?”

  “Drew.” Dennis fumbled for the remote and paused the television while Craig was in midsentence. He sheepishly smiled as he walked over to her. “Drew, I didn’t hear you come in.” He tried to kiss her cheek, but she backed away.

  “I guess not. I’ll ask again.” She pointed to the television. “What the fuck is that?”

  I tried to not smile, but it was difficult seeing how upset she was that my brother was finally going to learn the truth about her. “I was just showing my brother the full story that the station didn’t run four years ago.”

  She turned to Dennis. “Why are you watching that?”

  “I promised I would watch it. It isn’t going to change anything.”

  “How can you say it doesn’t change anything?” I was furious and stood. “I got this disc for you to open your eyes. It’s the full story of what happened.”

  “I’m sorry. Full story?” She wrenched her arm from Dennis and stormed over to me. “Ask me if you want to know something. I know the full story. I was there!”

  I didn’t back down and yelled an inch from her face. “But he wasn’t! I want him to know what kind of woman you are before he gets too involved.”

  “I thought you finally accepted me when you saw that I was taking care of him even after we had broken up.”

  She showed up, much to my surprise, after they had broken up to take care of him when he got sick. I thought for a second it was because she loved him, but she wouldn’t admit it when I asked.

  “I asked you that day what you were doing here, and you said cleaning. I said I was surprised you were here, and you said you heard he was sick. I gave you two opportunities to say you loved him, but you didn’t.” I crossed my arms. “You just gave me excuses for being there.”

  She shook her head and looked dumbfounded. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “No, I’m not. All I needed to know was that you saw the perfect opportunity to come crawling back into his life and took it. I can’t believe chicken noodle soup is all he needed to forgive your affair.”

  She turned to Dennis. Apparently she didn’t want the family to know that little secret. Dennis wouldn’t look at her, so she turned back to me. It looked as if Dennis want
ed to reach out for her.

  “You can’t think she’ll be faithful after you get married. She cheated on him and turned him into the broken man you see on that screen.” I pointed to Craig.

  “Excuse me! I never cheated on him.”

  Dennis spoke up behind her. “Who’s Tony?”

  She briefly closed her eyes before turning to him. “I will tell you about Tony, but not in front of your sister.”

  He crossed his arms and could barely look at her. “What about Brian?”

  “I never slept with Brian. Craig thought Brian was hitting on me, so he threw him out of the apartment during one of our very few parties, but I never slept with him. We were talking about music and the different bands we had seen live. It was completely innocent.”

  “Sure it was.” I scoffed behind her.

  “Shut up, Deb!” Dennis yelled, and we jumped as it scared both of us. “I think you should leave and let us talk.”

  “So she can fill your head with lies?”

  “If anything he said was true, why didn’t the station run it?” Dennis was screaming at the television. “You showed me the interview that ran and then what the station wouldn’t air. Why wouldn’t they air that?” Dennis calmed down and walked over to me. “I think you were young and naïve and had never been exposed to this, this . . .” He waved to the television. “I don’t even know what to call him. I think he was very charming when he wanted to be and very good at turning things around to benefit him, but I don’t believe half of what he says.”

  “How can you not believe it?” I couldn’t believe he was falling for her lies. “She’s going to destroy you before you know what’s happening.”

  “We’ve all done things, said things, allowed other people to influence us. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.” Drew set the vase she wanted on the empty table and walked to the door, turning to look at me. “I want to be your friend, Deb, but only if you want that, as well. I won’t push you, but think about it.”

  The displays weren’t keeping me as busy as I had hoped. It was a slow morning at the shop, which didn’t help my nervous state. It was the day Drew was joining my session, and I hadn’t spoken to her since she picked out her vase choice. She tried to call, but I wouldn’t take it. I hoped Joseph knew what he was doing.