Striving for Acceptance

by B. L. Mooney

  She put her arms around my neck and said the one word which brought reality back. “Mick.”

  “I know. I shouldn’t have told you like that, but it’s true. I’m crazy in love with you.”

  She held my face. “We need to see where the case is going first before we make any decisions like that.”

  I backed away and ran my fingers through my hair. “There are two very wrong things about what you just said. Being in love with you isn’t a decision.” I took two fingers and poked my chest. “It’s a feeling in here. I didn’t wake up one day and decide I was going to love you. I fell in love with you, woke up one day, and realized I’d already fallen. If you would let yourself feel something, anything, you would know it, too.”

  “I feel, Mick. I feel a lot of things.”

  “Yes, you feel anxiety.” I started pacing. “Anxiety, dread, and disgust for a future you’ve condemned yourself to.”

  “Well, you don’t have to worry about that future.” She started to walk away.

  I grabbed her and pulled her to me. “That’s the second thing you were wrong about. You are my future no matter what happens. This decision to love you has already been made. I don’t need to see what happens with the case at all. I know no matter what happens, I’ll be by your side, supporting you every step of the way.”

  She scoffed. “You can’t be serious.”

  “Does it sound like I’m joking?”

  “You’re going to stick by someone who may spend the rest of her life in prison.”

  “That isn’t going to happen.”

  “But if it does.”

  “It won’t.”

  She pulled free of my grasp. “But if it does!”

  I thought about what Carl had said.

  “She needs to know you accept it, too. Will you love her if she ends up going to prison?”

  I pulled her close again. “Then I’ll visit you every day they’ll allow me to. I’ll write to you on the days they won’t. I’ll still love you.”

  She whispered as she buried her face in my neck. “How do you know that?”

  I whispered back. “Because I know what it’s like to live without you in my life, and I can’t live like that again.”

  Joseph was going to find me certifiable after the session I was about to have. It may not have been prison keeping me locked up but the psych ward instead. I fidgeted until Joseph was ready.

  “How was Drew’s wedding?”

  “Oh, it was beautiful. She was beautiful.” I smiled. “It was amazing, actually.”

  He smiled back. “That’s wonderful. I’m very happy to hear she had a great day. She deserved it.” He looked at me for a moment. “How did the floral arrangements go?”

  I started to relax and sat back. “They were great. I have a few new clients from it.”

  “I’m very happy to hear that.” He was silent for just a brief moment as he looked at my stilled hands in my lap. “I think we’re ready to get started now. What’s on your mind?”

  I shook my head. “You need to teach me that trick.”

  He smiled. “There is no trick. You just needed to find a happy place and become centered again. Since it happened quicker than I had anticipated, I’d say you’re just nervous about whatever it is on your mind. So, let’s get started and get it out of the way.”

  “I want to confront Detective McCoy.”

  He put his notepad down and tilted his head. I knew that meant he was really surprised by what I’d said. It didn’t happen too often, though.

  “What do you hope to accomplish by doing that?”

  I stood up and went to the window. “Mick said he loves me.”

  I could hear the smile in his tone. “How did you react to that?”

  I turned to Joseph. “I didn’t. He told me and walked away.” I started pacing. “I know I have feelings for Mick which I’ve never felt for anyone else, but I can’t give in to them until I know I won’t ruin both our lives.”

  “How do you think you would ruin them?”

  “What if there’s a trial? It won’t be good for his business. What if I lose and go to prison?”

  “What if you don’t?” Joseph put his notepad on the table next to him and leaned forward. “You’re living your life based on ‘what ifs’. Is that truly how you want to live?”

  “Of course not. That’s why I want to confront this guy who’s keeping my case open.”

  “What is that going to accomplish?”

  “It will force the issue either way.”

  “Has anything good come from forcing something?”

  “Well, no, but—”

  “There are no ‘buts’ with this. If you force something, anything, the results will not be a true fact as to what may have happened if it had been allowed to happen naturally. I think you should allow Mick’s father to do his job and have faith that no matter what happens, you can pull through it.”

  I sat down and put my face in my hands. “I don’t have the patience for this shit.”

  “So don’t wait. Live your life as if you’re waiting on nothing.”

  “That seems irresponsible.”

  “How do you feel about your role in all this?”

  “My role? How do you mean?”

  “Have you forgiven yourself yet?”

  “I’m not sure ending a man’s life is forgivable.”

  “Under certain circumstances, it isn’t. Did you enjoy yourself at the wedding?”

  I sighed and looked toward the window again. “You know I did.”

  “Do you think that would’ve been possible if things had played out differently?” He picked up his notepad when I didn’t answer. He jotted a few things down before looking at me again. “You’re quite fond of the ‘what if’ game, so let’s play it and see where it takes us.”

  I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. “Are you mocking me?”

  “Not at all. What if you never reached out to Craig?”

  “He’d still be alive.”

  “Possibly, but what if he had gone to Drew’s without you?”

  I sat up and adjusted myself in the seat. “I don’t know.”

  “You know how he was that day. What if he had shown up and you weren’t there to help her? Do you think he would’ve cared about her story of having her menstrual cycle? Do you think it would’ve stopped him from having sex since you wouldn’t have been there as an alternative?”

  I shook my head.

  “What do you think he would’ve done had he found out she lied about being on her period to get out of sex?”

  “I don’t like this game.”

  “What if you stayed in your marriage and never sought out for more? Where would you be right now?” He looked at his watch. “Is there a television show you’d be watching alone? Would you be shopping alone?”

  “I’m not playing this stupid game anymore.”

  “What if you never met Mick? What if his uncle hadn’t died and left him the property? Would you have found another Al to pass the time with? Would you have found another Craig to make you feel something as long as you weren’t alone and numb?”

  I stood and grabbed my purse. “Fuck you, Joseph! Fuck you and your shrink ideas. I come in here trying to find the courage to confront my problems, and you give me this stupid fucking game as a way to solve them?”

  I slammed my purse on the floor, put my face in my hands and cried. I didn’t want to think about Craig going to Drew’s without me. My brother would’ve been devastated if anything had happened to her.

  I didn’t want to think about sitting alone in my home, waiting on a husband who would never love me the way he should’ve.

  I didn’t want to think of a life without Mick: a life without the only man who’s ever loved me unconditionally and tried to help me. A life without him would be just as unbearable as he said it would be without me.

  I heard Joseph pick up my purse and he took me by the elbow. “Come sit back down. We won’t play that game anymore.”
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  He handed me the box of tissues and I took it. The tears were still flowing as I thought of all the possibilities, but at least I’d stopped sobbing and could focus on what Joseph was saying.

  “I played this game to show you that life could’ve gone any number of ways. Did it play out the most ideal way?” He shook his head. “No, but in order for us to play a game of ‘what ifs’ where everything is perfect and beautiful, you’d have to go back to the beginning. What if your parents found proper child care for your siblings? What if Drew never met Craig?

  “We are given a path to follow. Sometimes, it’s bumpy as Hell. Sometimes, it’s the smoothest thing we’ve ever walked. Either way, it’s our path to take and make decisions on how our lives will work out. And it’s our job to forgive ourselves if we take a wrong turn. Other times, the turn which seemed wrong was the turn we had to take to get to where we needed to be. We just need to learn how to listen to the difference.”

  I dragged myself back to the shop. I would rather have gone home and straight to bed, but I had orders I had to put together. It was the most exhaustive session I’d ever had with Joseph and in the end, I still had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do.

  “Hey, are you feeling okay?” Kelly looked at me and set the vases down as I walked in. She looked concerned.

  “I’m fine. I’m working in the back and the cooler today, okay?”

  “Yeah, I’ve got this covered. Can I get you anything?”

  “No, thanks. I just need the flowers for now.”

  I got to work on the second wedding I’d been hired to do. It may have just been the sample pieces, but it made me proud I was getting bigger jobs which would help my business grow. Since Rachael added the photos of Drew’s flowers, I’d received more hits on the website, too. It was nice to have something to look forward to.

  It was easier to look forward to the future with the business than a future with Mick. The business I could give up. I would miss it, but it wasn’t my other half. Mick was. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. I probably wouldn’t have met Mick if my life hadn’t gone the way it did. It was still a shitty way to live for a while, but it made me appreciate everything he meant to me more.

  I sniffed and sat up, stronger. I dried my eyes and told myself to get it together. I needed to live each day as it was given to me. Joseph was right. Worrying about what may or may not come would only fill my life with regrets. One thing I never wanted to regret was wasting time I could spend with Mick.

  “Hey, there’s a customer out here, but I can tell him to go away.” Kelly spoke softly so the man wouldn’t hear her.

  “No.” I waved her off. “I’m better now. I will be, anyway. Let me clean up and I’ll be right there.”

  She nodded and walked back out front. I went to the mirror and made sure I looked presentable. As long as I plastered a smile on my face, I could pass as if I’d been working hard all day and not crying my eyes out. I took a deep breath and headed out front.

  Kelly pointed to the man in the corner wearing a fedora slightly to the left on his head. I narrowed my eyes. It looked familiar. “How may I help you?”

  Detective McCoy turned around and smiled when I took a step back. “You can confess.” He took a step forward. “That would be the biggest help to me and the taxpayers if you would just give up.”

  “I’ve got nothing to confess to.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong. You killed a man without a gun.”

  “It was his gun!”

  “So you admit he was a defenseless man!”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I’m not talking to you anymore.”

  “If I say you’re going to talk to me, you will talk to me!”

  “No! Get out of my shop if you’re going to harass me.”

  “Now I’m harassing you?” He took another step forward and looked at Kelly. “Who are you calling?”

  She faltered for a second but recovered quickly. “Good afternoon and thank you for calling Deb’s Dew Drops. How may I assist you today?”

  He continued to look at her. “I’ll figure out where I know you from.” He looked back to me. “Now, you can either answer the questions I have here or come down to the station.”

  “I’ve already answered your questions, and I’m not going anywhere with you.”

  “A murderer doesn’t have the right or the freedom to choose those options. I will detain you for questioning once again!”

  Mick burst through the door, covered in white dust. “Get out!” He pointed to the door as he walked over and put his arm around me. “Get out!”

  “Yes, there you are. I was wondering how long it would take you to come to the rescue. You and your father are making a big mistake interfering with my investigation.”

  “There shouldn’t be an investigation. We’re going to shut you down.”

  “I know you’ve quit, but has your father not shown you the evidence?”

  “No, he hasn’t, but I trust his judgment and he believes Deb is innocent.”

  “Did he say that? Or did he say he doesn’t believe it should go to trial? Just because you’re afraid of losing doesn’t mean a murderer should go free. A true police officer will hunt down the truth no matter the outcome. A true police officer will make sure every option is utilized to ensure justice is served. A good police officer will not let a killer go free no matter how far her legs spread!”

  Mick started to go after him, but I held onto him. “He wants you to do this. Please, don’t.”

  He backed up and put his arms back around me. “You have five seconds to leave. You’re trespassing. I own this building and you are not welcome. I’ll tell you one last time to get out.”

  “I’ve learned what I’ve needed to anyway, but I will be back. I’ll be back with a warrant and you’d better hope it’s only to pick you up for questioning.”

  The three of us watched as he walked out. Mick turned to me the second he left. “Are you okay?”

  “He’s never going to give up. Do you want him crashing our three-year-old’s birthday party to ask if Mommy wants to confess to killing a man again?”

  Mick held my face and smiled. “I don’t care. With or without him, it will be the best party a three-year-old has ever seen because we will be phenomenal parents.”

  I shoved him. “This is no time to joke, Mick.”

  “Who’s joking? You’ve never acknowledged we would have a child together before and I’m supposed to let it go? No can do. I’m going to grab any ounce of hope that you will be the mother to my children. Until you made that comment, I wasn’t sure you’d even think about it.”

  I gripped his shirt. “I think about it all the time. I can’t stop thinking about it, but I need to.”

  “No you don’t. You need to keep thinking about it and keep believing in it. Keep believing in us.”

  “I do believe in us. I do believe we would be happy together, but I also have to be realistic and figure out how to end this once and for all. I can’t keep living like this and I won’t ask my children to, either. That isn’t fair.”

  He cupped my face and nodded before putting his forehead to mine. “You’re right. I’m going to go talk to Dad and ask him what happened to set McCoy off. Do you want to come with me?”

  “No. I’ve got to get these sample pieces done for tonight. You go, talk to your dad and figure out what happened.” I rubbed his chest through his T-shirt. “I need to get to work.” I walked away and held it together long enough to get to the back. The day just wasn’t meant for dry eyes.

  I should’ve cleaned up first, but I didn’t. I was too anxious to talk to my father. I walked in and headed straight for his desk. I was stopped by people I used to work with, but I didn’t have time to talk. Time was running out, and I couldn’t lose Deb just as she was starting to think of our future.

  “Dad.” I sat in the chair next to him.

  “What is all over you?”

  I looked down at myself. “Drywall dust.�
�� I leaned in. “McCoy paid Deb a visit today and I’d like to know why.”

  He sighed and sat back. “I was afraid of that.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I told you he would push back when I started pushing. This shouldn’t surprise you.”

  “It doesn’t. I just want to know what’s going on.”

  “Come on. I’ll show you.”

  I followed him to the room he and his partner used to set up the evidence. It was mostly photos or illustrations of things found in or around the apartment. The actual evidence was still in storage.

  “He asked me if I’d seen this yet.”

  “Well, take a look and tell me what you see.”

  I saw photos of both Deb and Drew down to their underwear to photograph evidence of possible assault. They each had bruises. Drew’s marks were more around her upper arms and elbows as if Craig had grabbed her a lot. Deb had several marks with the most prominent being the gash on the side of her head. She had a bruise on the other side of her face. It was obvious he had hit her at some point.

  I looked at my dad. “He was rough with them.”

  “That he was.” He pointed at the boards again. “Keep looking.”

  There were other photos of a man I didn’t recognize. His face was swollen and he was severely beaten. The next photo I looked at was of Mark and the bruises he got while fighting Craig. I looked back at the other photo. “That’s Dennis?”

  “Yes, son. He’s lucky to be alive and have limited issues.”

  I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. “What issues?”

  “He has minor scarring, but he doesn’t remember that night at all. He has no recollection of anything that happened the day of the attack or the attack itself. He’s actually beating himself up worse than what Craig had done to him.”

  “Why?”

  “How would you feel if you couldn’t protect the woman you loved with everything?”

  I turned back around and looked at the boards again. I looked at Craig’s body lying on the apartment floor. I saw the scene as Deb had seen it, and I was surprised she didn’t have more nightmares.

  I went down the line to the autopsy photos. He didn’t have a mark on him other than the gunshot to the head. His torso and back were free of bruises. I looked at the photos of his hands. The tip of one of his thumbs was missing. I turned to my father.