Striving for Acceptance

by B. L. Mooney

  I felt something on my wrist and lifted my arm to see the handcuff still dangling. We’d forgotten to remove it. I had a moment of panic when I saw it.

  “I need you to come with me to the station.”

  I looked at the cliché cop in front of me and scoffed. His trench coat made him look ridiculous. It was as if he found the cheapest thing on the thrift-store rack and thought it would be a good investment. At least the fedora on his head looked to be in better condition.

  I crossed my arms. “I’ve already answered all the questions which could’ve been asked. Go read the files.”

  “Sir.” My mother wasn’t letting me out of her sight and was constantly butting in where I didn’t need her. “Would you like to come in and question her here? I can put some coffee or tea on if you’d like.”

  “No, ma’am. She needs to come to the station.”

  “I’m not going anywhere with you. I don’t even know who you are.”

  “I’ve shown you my badge and identification.” He tried to grab my arm and I backed away. “You will come down to the station with me. There’s an open investigation and questions must be answered.”

  “Dennis!” My mother yelled for my father as the detective grabbed my arms. He pulled me out of the doorway and slammed my chest against the house. I tried to fight him, but he got the handcuffs on before I could get away.

  My father came out as he pulled me away and started dragging me down the front steps. “Where are you taking her?”

  “To the police station.”

  I was shoved in the back of the car like the criminal he thought I was. After that day, I started to believe it, too.

  I opened my eyes as Mick unlocked the handcuff. He tossed it to the other side of the room. Both my wrists received kisses meant to heal. I was just having a hard time feeling anything at that moment.

  “How mad at me are you?”

  I smiled and touched his face. “I’m not mad, exactly. I wish you would’ve discussed it with me first. I wish you would’ve trusted me enough to answer your questions about the parking lot before you decided to test me, but I’m not mad. Maybe just a little hurt.” I took my wrists back after he started to massage them. “I didn’t mean physically.”

  I stood to get dressed, but he held my hips. “I’m sorry.” He placed his head on my belly. “I thought we shared something special in the car. A first for both of us and to learn it wasn’t a first for you after all hurt me.”

  I reached down and lifted his head so he could look at me. “I had sex in a parking lot between two vans. I didn’t have sex in a car with him. All you had to do was ask, but you didn’t.”

  I removed his hands and walked over to my clothes. He stayed on the bed and remained quiet as I got dressed. It wasn’t until I was almost ready to leave that he started talking.

  “I’m sorry, Deb. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I wanted to show you that you could trust me. I guess I don’t know what else to do to earn that trust.”

  I walked over to him and bent down to kiss him. He kissed me back as if he were afraid it would be the last time his lips would ever touch mine. I held his face and pulled away.

  “I do trust you. What is it going to take for you to trust me? What test should I give to you to prove it?”

  He didn’t have an answer, but his eyes held fear. I wasn’t sure if it was fear he’d lost me or that he’d never be able to trust me. I shook my head and backed away.

  He stood as I walked out of his bedroom. “Deb! I love you. Please remember that.”

  I walked out his front door and whispered as I closed it. “I love you, too.”

  I was staring at the flowers in front of me when the bell on the front door dinged. I heard it, but it didn’t register that someone had actually walked in. It wasn’t until someone waved their hand in front of my face that I snapped out of my daze.

  “Good grief. What’s wrong with you?”

  I turned to the sound of Rachael’s voice and blinked. “What?”

  “Okay, what’s wrong? I came to ask you for a favor, but I don’t know if you’re up for it.”

  I took the bouquet I’d been arranging for the last hour to the cooler case. “Nothing is wrong. What did you need me to do?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Seriously, I’m fine. What’s the favor?”

  “Seriously, you’re not. What’s the matter?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I was just thinking. Nothing’s wrong.”

  She looked at me for a moment. “Is everything okay with you and Mick?”

  I hung my head and leaned on the counter. “I really don’t know.”

  “Oh, my God. What happened?”

  “He tested me. He tested my trust for him by handcuffing me to the bed.”

  Rachael waggled her eyebrows. “To the bed, huh?”

  “Did you not hear the test part of that?”

  “Yeah.” She stood next to me and leaned her backside against the counter. “I did. Did you freak?”

  “At first. He had me put his tie around my eyes, so I couldn’t see what he was doing. The next minute I felt the cold metal and heard the clicks.”

  “What did you do?”

  “I fought at first, but he told me he loved me. I wanted to prove that I trusted him, so I did my best to concentrate on him and what he was doing rather than the situation I was in.”

  “I don’t know if I could’ve done that.”

  I looked at her. “What about that ‘take charge’ thing you guys were talking about at Drew’s bachelorette party?”

  She shrugged. “I guess you could say this was his take charge moment, but . . .” She tilted her head. “Hmm.”

  “Hmm what?”

  “I was going to say if Carl had ever done what I didn’t want done, I would’ve been out the door. However, he did do what I never thought I would’ve liked. His ‘take charge’ moment was very different than what I would’ve agreed to, had he asked me beforehand.”

  “You know what Mick did. What did Carl do?”

  “Okay, but you asked. After Dad had his heart attack, I went to Carl’s office to thank him for staying with me through that. I wore a dress with nothing underneath. I planned on sex in his office. That was my bright idea to thank him. What I hadn’t planned on was being taken.” She looked at me. “Not in a bad way. It was a very, very good way. I just never thought I would’ve wanted to be controlled or spoken to that way, especially during sex.”

  “But it wasn’t a test.”

  “No, it wasn’t. I think Mick’s intentions were good. It probably wasn’t his most thought-out plan, though.”

  “No, probably not.” I sighed. “I went over there when he had just gotten out of the shower. I think he saw them in his dresser when he was getting dressed.”

  “Why the test?”

  “He heard something from an interview with the cop who wants my ass behind bars and thought it meant something else. He knows what the truth is now, but it still sucks he didn’t just ask me.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  I shook my head. “I have no idea. Do I want to lose him over a misunderstanding? No. What he did kind of threw this into a whole other ball field, though.” I looked at her. “What did you need?”

  “Oh.” She pushed herself off the counter. “Uh, well, Carl and I wanted to take a weekend trip, but we don’t have anywhere for Amy to go.”

  I waved off her concern. “No problem. I miss spending time with Amy anyway.”

  “Really?”

  “Of course.”

  She hugged me. “Thank you so much. I’ll drop Amy off at your place tonight. I’ll owe you one.”

  I hadn’t been at my place much, so when Amy arrived and said she was hungry, a grocery run was required. I missed cooking for her when I watched her. She was always so interested in what I was doing. Carl wasn’t much of a cook and I doubt she remembered much from her mother since she was so young when cancer had taken her.


  Carl was finding it difficult to find someone to care for her. I was finding it difficult to live. I’m not sure what I would’ve done had it not been for Rachael’s suggestion to fill in when Carl needed someone. I’d probably still be sitting on the sofa as my parents tried to figure out what to do with me.

  Amy helped me keep it together more than anyone else. Her complete innocence of the world was refreshing. It also gave me an opportunity to see what it was like to care for a child without resentment or dread. I didn’t feel forced or pressured to watch Amy the way I had with my younger siblings. It was a job with set hours and I was still allowed to have my own life.

  I shook my head and focused on the aisle we were walking down. I was going to enjoy my time with Amy and not dwell on the past. “What sounds good to you?”

  “Anything you make is good.” She turned and looked up. “Do you have milk? Last time I came over, you didn’t have milk.”

  “Good point. We’ll get some.”

  “Taking shopping points from a child?” Mick was shaking his head when I turned at his voice behind me. “It’s worse than I thought.”

  “Mick!” Amy jumped up and down. “Deb said you were busy.”

  Mick glanced my way and looked back to Amy. “Well, I am a busy man, but when I see a princess, I have to stop and pay my respects.” He bowed to Amy.

  “Come home with us. We’ll have so much fun!”

  I hadn’t had time to think through what happened the night before. I did nothing but think about it, but I hadn’t figured out what to do about it. I wasn’t sure I was ready to pretend to be okay.

  Mick looked at me and our eyes locked. He could see the struggle I was having with it, and I could see the desperation he felt for me to say yes. I probably should’ve answered his texts from earlier. I just wasn’t ready to talk to him.

  “Are you guys going to say something? I’m hungry here.”

  I looked at Amy and smiled. “Well then, we need to get going. I don’t want you to starve on my watch.” I grabbed the cart and started walking with Amy. Mick didn’t follow and I took a deep breath. I wanted to be with him. Maybe time with a pint-sized chaperone would benefit us both. I stopped the cart and called over my shoulder, “Are you coming? Dinner isn’t going to cook itself.”

  He was at my side in seconds. “You only want me for my cooking? I can live with that.” He turned to Amy. “What should we get for dinner? Octopus, alligator, or frog legs?”

  “That’s gross! I’m picking out dinner, and it’s going to be good stuff.”

  “Oh, yeah? You think you can do better than that?” Mick took her hand. “We’ll just see about that. Lead the way!”

  Amy and Mick went in search of dinner. I stayed a few steps behind them and watched.

  “Why did you turn the stove on with nothing in the pan?”

  “You have to bring the heat up when you’re cooking.” He laughed when she scrunched her face in confusion. “I just mean you have to get the pan hot before you add your meat. It helps to sear it.” He looked at me and back to Amy. “It helps make it brown.”

  I smiled as I started to put the rest of the groceries away. Mick bought too much, but he said my kitchen needed to be stocked at all times. He bought all the things he thought were essentials to him, and I didn’t argue. He confused me and hurt me with the test he gave me, but I knew I couldn’t keep away from him.

  I folded the paper bags and turned to watch their cooking lesson. Amy was always interested in the kitchen, but I worried Mick would be too much for her. She soaked it up, though. She’d be able to tell Carl a thing or two if he ever tried to cook again.

  “Don’t do anything fun until I get back. I have to go to the bathroom.”

  “Okay, no fun until your return. Don’t forget to wash your hands!”

  Mick set the spatula down on the counter and walked over to me. I held my breath as he got closer. The look in his eyes was devastating. He was pretending to be okay for Amy, too.

  He grabbed my hips and put his forehead to mine. “Please, forgive me. Please talk to me.”

  I leaned in instead of pulling away and placed my hand on the side of his face. “We’ll talk. I promise.”

  He lifted his head and looked in my eyes, then down to my lips and back to my eyes. “I’m going to kiss you.”

  He gave me no time to respond and kissed me. I didn’t fight him. I welcomed the feel of his body against mine, the feel of his heart beating with mine, and the love I felt as he wrapped his arms around me. I buried my fingers in his hair as I deepened the kiss.

  “Are you two going to get married, too?”

  It took us only a second to stop kissing, but it took us a few moments to pull away from each other. We didn’t want to let go. The desperation in his eyes to keep me was replaced with a different type of desperation. Only, I wasn’t sure what it was. I tilted my head in a silent question, but he only gave a slight shake of his head and went back to Amy.

  Neither one of us answered her question about getting married, but she didn’t really ask again once Mick started cooking. I stayed close enough to watch and enjoy their banter, but back enough to not interfere. He was amazing with her and her questions.

  Mick would make a great father, and he deserved a family. I looked at my watch as if it were my biological clock and it would tell me how many years I had left to give him that family.

  I stood up fast, causing the chair to tip back. I caught it before it fell over, but not before Mick and Amy turned to me. He fully turned to me and narrowed his eyes. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. I was just going to get the movie ready. You two are about done, right?”

  He nodded his head but still looked concerned. Amy tugged on his sleeve. “Hey, more cooking, less staring. I’m starving here.”

  He watched as I walked to the living room before turning to Amy. “We can’t have a starving princess.”

  “Tom, we need to talk.”

  He didn’t look up from his papers. “Can it be quick? I’ve got a lot of work to do before I leave again.”

  “Do you want a baby?”

  He put his papers down, but it took him a moment before he looked up. “I thought we weren’t having children. Didn’t we already decide this?”

  “We did.”

  “Then why are you asking again?”

  “I just thought I’d check. I’m not getting any younger.”

  He shook his head. “No, children aren’t for us.” He started to go back to work and looked up again. “Wait, do you want a baby?”

  I thought for a moment. I never wanted children as I was growing up, but as I got older, I did think about it from time to time, especially when other women I knew were having them. I looked at the kitchen table full of invoices and correspondence from Tom’s business and I realized I’d be with the child completely on my own again.

  I shook my head. “No, I don’t want a baby.”

  I walked in with the first tray of food as Amy washed her hands. Deb was just standing in the middle of the living room. I put the tray down on the table and looked behind me. I didn’t want Amy to walk in. I took Deb by her waist and pulled her to her bedroom. It took a second for her to acknowledge me, but she followed.

  I turned to her and held her face. “What’s going on?”

  She closed her eyes before she looked down and shook her head. “Nothing.”

  I tilted her head back up to look at me. “We will talk about this later.” I walked out to get dinner settled for Amy.

  “Where’d you go?” Amy was looking around the living room when I walked back in.

  I had grabbed a towel from the bathroom on my way back and I waved it above my head. “I didn’t want to scorch the coffee table with the hot plates.

  I placed the food on the coffee table for easier access, but set up a tray for Amy to use. Deb and I could hold our plates. I looked up as she came out of the bedroom and headed for the kitchen. Either she still didn’t trust me, or she was still
upset about the handcuffs. Either way, I would get her to tell me what happened.

  Deb came back with drinks for all of us and smiled at me. “If the flower business goes bust, I could always waitress for you.”

  I smiled. “I think I just figured out what my servers are going to wear.”

  She set the drinks down and shook her head. “Never mind.”

  The princess movie was apparently one of Amy’s favorites. She knew every word and said them with the characters. It was more entertaining that way. Deb still seemed bothered by something, and she was a little distant. When Amy finished eating and got up to act out the rest of the movie, I reached over and took Deb’s hand. She looked at me and smiled before sliding up next to me.

  I pretended to gasp. “You’re stealing Amy’s spot.”

  She laid her head on my shoulder and looked at Amy dancing. “I don’t think she’ll mind.”

  I wrapped my arm around her and held her close. “I wish you would let me help you.”

  She looked up and kissed my cheek. “You are.”

  Maria shook her head when I walked into her clinic. “I wish your parents had sisters for you to bug.”

  “But they didn’t and now you’re my sister.” I smiled a huge, cheesy smile. “Besides, you like telling me what to do.”

  She nodded. “You’re right. What’s up now? Want to add a vibrator to your relationship?”

  I stopped walking and narrowed my eyes. “Does Blake need to use one?” I shook my head. “Man, did you get the wrong friend.”

  She started laughing. “I think I liked you better when you took everything I said seriously.” She tilted her head. “But if you added a vibrator, I’m sure you could score some big points. Vibrators make everything better for women.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” I looked around. “When’s your next appointment?”

  She looked at her watch. “I’ve got a little time. What’s wrong?”