by Keith Trimm
“Do you still think we’re in the USA?” Dennis asked.
“No, I have no idea where we are. What year is this?” Cassidy asked.
“1324,” Ted replied.
Realizing that the tunnel that led from the police station was some sort of time travel device, Cassidy was now wrapping her head around the idea that she was no longer in Kansas. Or in the time she remembered. “Then explain the bus to me,” she said.
“You mean that motorized carriage we plucked you out of?” I have no explanation. Sometimes you have to deal with the facts you are presented with no matter how fantastic they may seem. Only God knows.”
“I like that,” Cassidy said. “Explains nothing, but explains why it explains nothing at the same time.”
“What are you going to do with us?” Dennis asked, feeling left out.
“That is up to the king, he will determine your fate based on what you’re worth.”
“My worth? In 1324 I’m probably not worth much. You guys still ride horses. I thought they only did that in the movies.”
“Movies?” Ted asked.
“Never mind. Can you give me a clue as to what might happen?”
“What is your worth? Your talent, your skill?” Ted asked.
“I’m a photographer,” Dennis replied.
“What is that?” Ted asked.
“Fuck, I’m going to end up picking corn or something,” Dennis replied. “Or hauling rocks for a living.”
“No seriously, what is a photographer?”
“It’s like a painter only I use a machine and the images are instant.”
“That has great value in my king’s court. He hasn’t had an artist for years.”
“Yeah, but I need a computer and a printer to make my art and I doubt you have that. I doubt you have electricity, or know what that is.”
“You think we are fools?” Ted asked with a smile. “We are not as backwards as you may think.”
“When you see my camera, you may change your mind,” Dennis said.
“I already know what her talent is,” Ted said in disgust. “A talent for adultery.”
“I also dance,” Cassidy said in disgust.
“Who doesn’t?” Ted replied. “Most of our people dance, it is our form of entertainment.”
“I bet they don’t dance like I do,” Cassidy replied.
“And how is that? With your breasts exposed and your ass hanging out for everyone to see?”
“It sounds bad if you put it that way.”
“How else is there to put it? You are a whore, you will probably be put to death or forced to work with the hogs.”
“Fuck you!” Cassidy snapped back.
“No thanks, I have a wife at home,” Ted replied and they continued on the path to the castle.
Chapter 22
Show time
That evening, in the royal court, a show was scheduled to go on in celebration of a minor knight’s birthday. The show consisted of music, dancing and a clown to entertain the crowd. This night, Cassidy would have to pay her taxes the hard way and put on a show for everyone, including the king. For some reason, the cash she had wasn’t enough to pay her tax, as the kings guards wanted her to perform regardless.
The dance floor was cleared and a few musicians stood by ready to play for Cassidy. One played a lute, another a drum and the last a flute. Not the kind of music Cassidy was used to dancing too. The king and queen sat at the royal throne surrounded by knights and servants. It was past meal time and everyone was ready for the show. From the crowd, a tall man in a brightly colored costume walked to the center of the stage and introduced Cassidy to the king and queen.
“My dear King Sid and lady Maddy, I present to you the dancing styles of one Cassidy Rayne, a self-proclaimed “Porn Star.”
The crowd cheered and clapped in anticipation of something new and the king perked up and sat on the edge of his seat. A very fat man, the king was used to getting his way, but not used to women as hot as Cassidy. The queen scoffed at the king and rolled her eyes. Her rolls of fat hung over her throne and shown under her dress.
Cassidy stepped forward and bowed to the king and queen. She signaled the musical trio and together they played and she danced. Her natural instincts quickly took over and in a moment she was topless with her huge breasts swinging in the air. The crowd gasped in horror, gazing upon her nipples as they twirled in the air spinning around and around. Next she pulled off her skirt and let it fall to the stone floor exposing her pussy to everyone around. It wasn’t as clean shaven as it usually was not having access to a razor, but everyone got a good view of it as she squat on the ground and spread her legs bouncing up and down like a spring.
The kings eyes remained fixed on Cassidy as she danced, bounced and made all sorts of lewd gestures to the crowd, the women folk made faces and spoke to each other covering their faces with their hands. The men stepped in close for a better look. Everyone wondered how long the king would allow this to go on, No one had ever seen anything like this before and was way out of line considering their fundamentalist religious views. But the view they all had right now was pretty good so the kind didn’t want to stop the show.
Then the queen signaled for a guard to stop her and she was ceremoniously ignored. Nobody fucked with the king, not even the queen and no guard was going to risk his life pissing off the king. Cassidy was back in her element and ate up the attention. She almost got to the point of liking the music playing in the background. For a moment, she felt more like an artist than a stripper.
“Stop this!” the queen yelled rising slowly from her throne. She waved and the flabs of fat under her arms waved in the opposite direction. For a long time, nobody paid any attention to her until she stepped down off the throne and waddled onto the dance floor and kicked the flute player getting the band to stop playing. “What is this whore doing? She should be in a brothel, not entertaining us!”
The king sat silent waiting for his wife to shut the fuck up so Cassidy could continue to dance. It was a long wait, his wife didn’t budge.
“You!” the queen yelled pointing at Cassidy, “You are a harlot! Go far away from here where you won’t corrupt good men and steal them from their faithful wives!”
Cassidy stood there, nude and dumbfounded not knowing what to do. She looked for someone to give her direction but no one stepped forward and said anything. It was like they were afraid of the king and the king was now looking for a wrestling match. “I’m just doing what they told me to do,” Cassidy replied.
“‘I’m telling you to leave, now!” the queen yelled pointing away from the dance floor.
“That’s fine with me, I don’t want to piss him off though,” referring to the king who was intrigued with the show. The kind didn’t say or motion either way.
“He may be my king, but around here I am queen bitch and I say who stays and who goes, and I say you go!”
“Hold on!” the king yelled, interrupting before his show ended too soon. “Let her finish.”
“She is finished,” the queen said flat.
“No, I don’t think so,” the king said. “I wear the pants in this kingdom.”
“This woman is trying to compete with me, I won’t be in a competition.”
“That woman kicked your ass the second she stepped on the dance floor. No offence but you’re really fat.”
“I am the queen!”
“I got a guy with an axe that might change that if you don’t shut the fuck up,” the king said.
“How dare you threaten me! I am the mother of your children!”
“You also suck in bed and not in a good way,” the king said with a smile. “Let the girl dance and go eat another turkey leg.”
Livid, the queen took a swing at Cassidy and hit her in the head knocking them both to the ground. Cassidy got right back up and the queen laid on the ground in a puddle of her own fat.
The crowd erupted watching the two women fight on the dance floor. It took the quee
n a few minutes to get up, but once she did, she again waddled over to Cassidy and this time grabbed her by her long blonde hair and pulled till she screamed. Dennis, who was sitting in the crowd cringed in horror as he watched his friend get yanked around like a doll. The king did nothing to stop it.
Cassidy, much stronger and agile, grabbed onto her own hair keeping the queen from yanking it out of her head and used the leverage to knee the queen in her fat gut. At first it didn’t seem to do much since the queen was so fat, but in a moment, after the shock settled in, the queen let go and backed away. She seemed to be hurt with a tear in her eye.
“Kill her!” she commanded to a knight who was standing by trying to hide his laughter. The knight looked to the king who was shaking his head no and decided to ignore the queen’s request.
Frustrated, the queen walked over to the knight and took his sword from his side and tried to lift it into a swinging position. Her lack of exercise and massive mounds of arm fat made it almost impossible to lift the blade and she had to let it back down to the ground. “Somebody help me!” she yelled. Nobody moved.
The king had finally seen enough and got everyone’s attention. “As entertaining as this is, I like my fun a little more organized. I propose a joust between the new dancing girl and my queen, to take place in one hour.”
“What? You can’t expect me to joust!” the queen yelled. “I’m not one of your servants, I’m the queen!”
“Do we have a horse strong enough to hold her up?” the king asked.
The royal stable master approached the king and bowed his head. “No sir, none of our horses are strong enough to lift such a massive weight.”
“That’s what I thought, any ideas?” the king asked.
“We could mount her on a bull, or maybe a very large hog your majesty.”
“But would a hog be able to joust? I mean they have to run in a straight line for like one hundred yards. I’d think a hog would get very tired.”
“We could shorten the run to twenty five feet.”
“That’s not a lot of room to get up to speed, plus the dancing girl would be much
higher on a horse. They would both have to ride hogs to make this fair.”
The queen stepped over to the king and pointed at him and said, “I am not riding a hog.”
“Honey, you are a hog, no get back over there and shut the fuck up,” the king said.
In a huff, the queen turned and walked away. It took her a while, but she managed to get back to where she started.
Addressing the royal stable master again, the king said, “I like the hog idea, but I don’t think it will work, what if we gave them both lances and had them run at each other?”
“I beg your pardon sir king, but I don’t believe the queen is able to run.”
“Point taken,” the king said and he leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin as he thought. Nothing came to him, he was a total blank. “Fuck,” he said and thought some more. “How about daggers at ten paces?” he asked thinking out loud.
“The queen has massive arm fat, it still wouldn’t be a fair fight.” the stable master said.
“What would be a fair fight?” the king asked.
“It would have to be something more intellectual, not physical I would think.”
“For example?” the king asked.
“Like a board game, like chess, or maybe a trivia challenge.”
The king looked to Cassidy and spoke up, “Do you know how to play chess?””
Cassidy perked up her boobs and flashed the king.
“No, not play with your chest, do you know how to play chess?”
Cassidy shook her head no and turned to the crowd so they could look at her tits. She
was such and exhibitionist.
“Trivia it is then,” the king said. “Who is the smartest person here?” the king shouted to the crowd. “I need someone to come up with some good trivia questions.”
Immediately a hand raised from the crowd. It was the town magician, Drack the magnificent.
The king nodded his approval and addressed Drack, “I need fifty trivia questions in an hour, can you do that?”
Drack spoke up with a growl in his throat, “Yes your majesty, I could come up with a thousand if you please.”
“That’s fine, fifty is plenty, no make that seventy five, the queen is pretty smart.”
“Any particular subjects?” Drack asked.
“No, general trivia would be fine, no math or geography though, I find those subjects boring.”
“You are a king, geography should be your best subject, and you’re in the conquering business aren’t you?” Drack asked.
“I got knights for that crap, they can’t be out slaying dragons all the time.”
Dennis, bored and picking his ear perked up when he heard the king mention dragons. Did he literally mean dragons or was he saying the knights were lazy? He turned to a man in the crowd and asked, “Does he mean real dragons?”
“What other kind are there?” the man asked back.
“Maybe it was a metaphor, I don’t know.”
“You’ve never seen a dragon?” the man asked.
“I come from South Dakota, all I’ve ever seen are cows and my neighbors very large German Shepard.”
“To answer your silly question, we have lots of dragons around here. The real kind, with wings and tails.”
Dennis pondered for a moment wondering how the hell they went from South Dakota, to Kansas, to Oklahoma, to fairy tale medieval England. At what point did he fall and hit his head putting him into this dream. Dragons? What the hell, that’s the craziest bullshit her ever heard.
The king spoke up again, “Everyone meet back here in an hour and we’ll have our contest. Until then, go home and take a bath, you all smell like shit.”
An hour later, the queen and Cassidy were set at one end of the royal court with Drack standing at a podium with a list of trivia questions. The king sat alone on his throne and the entire court was surrounded by excited spectators. Not as excited as it would have been for a joust, but exciting nonetheless.
“Start the contest,” the king said sipping on a glass of wine.”
“Yes your majesty,” Drack said making sure his papers were in order. “Who goes first?” he asked the king.
“Let the dancer go first, she is the guest,” the king replied.
Drack nodded in acknowledgement and read from his prepared trivia question list. “Approximately how far can you sail before your ship falls off the edge of the Earth?” he asked. He then looked to Cassidy for a response.
She made a face like she had just sucked on a lemon. “What?” she asked and looked at the king like this was some sort of joke.
“Answer the question,” the king said picking his ear.
“The Earth has no edge, that’s not a real question is it?” she asked.
“Is that your final answer?” Drack asked.
“Hold on, you can’t be serious. You do realize the Earth is round don’t you?” she asked. Nobody replied. The crowed mumbled a bit then was silent.
“You are incorrect,” Drack replied. “The correct answer is six hundred miles east, and four hundred miles west.”
Cassidy sat dumbfounded looking at Drack. She then looked at the king and shook her head in disgust. “How do you know that? Have you ever been to the edge of the Earth? Has anybody?”
“No, it’s far too dangerous,” Drack replied. “Next question is for the queen.”
The queen perked up and adjusted her huge boobs. She smiled to the crowd and awaited her question.
“How much blood do you have to bleed an adult male to get rid of the creeping death?” Drack asked.
“Do you mean the Oriental or European version?” the queen asked.
“The European,” Drack replied.
“That would be one half pint,” the queen replied smiling to the crowd.
“That is correct,” Drack replied. “That is one for the queen an
d zero for the dancer.”
Cassidy looked at the queen like she was some sort of joke and then back to Drack who was getting his next question ready.
“Now to the dancer,” Drack said. “What are the three signs that identify a witch?”
“Only three?” she laughed trying to break the tension. “I would have to guess a pointy hat, a wart on the nose and a green tint to her skin?” she replied.
“That is incorrect, if the queen can answer she can have the point.”
The queen sat there looking up at the sky lost in thought. She had no idea but didn’t want to come off as stupid. “She is a witch!” the queen said pointing to Cassidy. “Look, she looks different, she speaks different, and she acts different, she is a witch I say!”
Drack stood there and didn’t know how to respond, her answers were all wrong, but when someone accuses someone else of being a witch, it’s usually a big deal and everyone takes notice.
Cassidy stood up and put her hands on her shapely hips in protest. “I am not a witch you bitch!” she yelled at the queen.
The king was now perking up with a cat fight going on in his court. He liked catfights. “Now ladies,” the king said. “Act like adults and stop fighting.” He didn’t mean any of it, but it was the kingly thing to do and say.
“She called me a witch!” Cassidy yelled.
“I know I heard,” the king replied. “What is your response to the accusation?”
“It’s a lie can’t you tell? She’s trying to get out of a fair fight by accusing me of being something I’m not.”
“Is that true?” the king asked the queen who was standing smugly off to the side.
“She’s a witch, she put a spell on me and now I can’t smell anything anymore.”
“Bullshit,” Cassidy said. “You can smell just fine.”
“Prove it,” the queen replied, knowing it was impossible to prove.
“Let me throw you in a hog pen and see if your nose works,” Cassidy snapped back.
“That would prove nothing,” the queen said.
