by Keith Trimm
Cassidy quickly realized that she was up against a wall. There was no cut and dry way to prove if she could smell anything anymore. It was a she said she said situation. With no recourse she had to come up with a new idea. “You’re a witch!” she yelled pointing at the queen and forced herself to vomit on command.
“Don’t make me laugh girl,” the queen said with a chuckle. “I am immune from witchcraft. I can’t be a witch, it simply isn’t possible.”
“Immune?” Cassidy asked with a grimace. “Only a witch could be immune from witchcraft that proves you’re a witch!”
“She has a point,” Drack said looking at the two women. “What should we do with them?” he asked the king.
“Boil them and make stew out of their flesh, the king replied. “I like witch stew, it makes me happy.”
Both the queen and Cassidy gasped in horror at hearing the king’s reply. They looked to each other and for a moment shared a bond only a porn star and fat queen could share.
“We can’t let them do this to us,” Cassidy said to the queen.
“I’ve eaten witch stew lots of times it’s not bad actually,” the queen replied. It had not sunk in yet that she would be the main ingredient in the stew this time.
“When do you want this prepared,” Drack asked the king.
“Let’s have it tonight, make a party out of it,” the king replied. “Witch stew for all!” he proclaimed and raised his hands for applause. He got plenty, most of his subjects were starving farmers and peasants.
Cassidy walked over to the queen and took her by the hand. For an awkward moment, the two women looked into each other’s eyes and a small bond was formed. It was hard to look into the queens eyes, they were all squinty from the fat rolls on her face. “We have to escape,” Cassidy said. “I’ve been in some pretty bad situations recently, but I’ve always been able to get away. I don’t feel like I have that option anymore. We need to help each other.”
Just then two butchers and a tall muscular farm hand took the queen by her arms and pulled her over to a chopping block used to butcher cattle. How the chopping block got into the kings court was not obvious but it was there at the right time and place. They stripped the fat woman naked lifted her bloated carcass onto the table and strapped her down the best they could. She squirmed and wiggled, but could not get loose of his bindings.
From behind the crowd, a large man with a black hood approached the slab holding a large metal axe. He positioned himself next to the chopping block and took a few practice swings on the queen’s neck. In a moment, the king gave his blessing and the man swung the axe down hard on the woman's neck cutting off her head in a single stroke. Her blood run read on the chopping block until her body ceased movement.
Once her body stopped moving and her head was picked up off the ground and put in a basket the crowd cheered knowing their bitchy fat queen was gone. Then a voice was heard from inside the basket. The executioner picked the head out of the basket and lifted it high in the air even without lungs attached to the mouth, the head could speak in low muffled tones. “I am a witch, ha ha ha,’ the head laughed. Its eyes looked around and blinked as if they were never part of a dead head.
“I was right!” Drack yelled pointing at the head.
“What’s it to ya fuck head!” the queen yelled back at Drack.
Chapter 22
Show time
Just then Dennis noticed a large football shaped silver object hovering about a thousand feet above the crowd. It was slowly coming down towards the ground and stopped at about three hundred feet. The rest of the crowd took notice as well and screams and shrieks of fear shot through the group as some ran in fear, others too afraid to move stood in shock. Dennis knew what this was and knew it was pointless to leave.
The object shot out a small probe, or mini craft that quickly landed on the ground about fifty feet from the courtyard. It sat silent for a minute or two before a door opened up and a set of stairs slid down from inside. The remaining crowd watched in horror to see what would emerge from the craft. It didn’t take long until their fears were realized.
From out the pod, three small creatures, dressed in landing suits stepped off the craft and gathered by one of the legs of the craft. They were dressed in white, with helmets and some sort of back pack with odd writing on them. They looked like midget wrestlers or apes in suits, but didn’t walk like humans. They walked like aliens. At least what they thought aliens would walk like.
After a brief moment and a flag raising ceremony, what seemed to be the leader left the group and walked over to the court. The crowd spread apart and allowed the little alien to walk to center court where it stood there surveying its situation. No one in the crowd did anything to provoke the newcomer and most stood like statues.
The alien poked a few buttons on a control box attached to its left arm and watched the lights blink in response. A few more interactions and the communications seemed to be finished. It then approached the king and took off its helmet. “Are you in charge here?” the alien asked the king.
The king nodded and didn’t say a word.
“We came back to get something we left here a few years ago,” the alien said looking up at the king who was slid back tight on his throne.
“What?” the king asked.
The alien pointed to the queens head and said,” That’s what we came for.”
“She belongs to you?” the king asked in disbelief. “I’ve known her for twenty years, she is no alien creature. She’s a bitch, but she’s as human as I am. We have a son and a daughter, how could she possibly be alien?”
“She’s not completely alien,” the alien said. “She’s a hybrid. She can have kids, but she still has half our genes. You’re kids are one fourth alien.”
“I guess that’s why she’s still talking,” the king said. “I’m done with her, you can take her back, I don’t care, saves me the trouble of burying her.”
“That’s not all,” the alien said. “I need the kids too.”
“Oh, now that’s a problem. My kids are staying here. You can have the bitch, not my kids. I actually like them.”
The alien reached into its suit and produced what looked like a tube of chapstick. “If you don’t produce the children immediately, I will have no choice but to kill you.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m the king around here, nobody fucks with me.” With that said, the king signaled his guards to take out the alien. Using their swords, the guards made hamburger out of the alien chopping it to bits and hacking its arms and legs off. The suit ran green with alien blood. “That was easy,” the king said. “Anyone else?” he asked looking to the other two aliens standing by the ship. They looked at each other as if they were conversing and then pulled out chapstick guns of their own.
“You got to be kidding?” the kings said. Didn’t they see us hacking up their leader?” The king motioned for the guards to go kill the other two aliens and a group galloped over on horseback chopping up the other two like they were stupid or something. They barely put up a fight and now their landing craft was covered in green alien blood.
“I wish conquering all my enemies was this easy,” the king said with a smile. “Bring me the queen’s head,” he said.
The executioner walked over and set the queen’s head on a bench in front of the king. Her blood was red so he knew she wasn’t totally alien, other than the fact she was looking him in the eye, he thought she was totally human.
“What do you want?” the queen asked.
“How long have you known you were an alien?” he asked.
“I didn’t know I was an alien at all,” the queen replied. “I’m as shocked as you are.”
“Did your mother know? I mean how did she get pregnant?”
“We don’t talk about sex you idiot,” the queen said gurgling blood from her mouth. “Go ask her yourself.”
“Where is she?”
“Fuck I don’t know, she’s sixty years old, I don’t wa
tch her.”
“Maybe she’s up there on that ship?” the king said pointing to the object hovering in the sky.
“Maybe she’s at home baking bread,” the queen replied.
“Now don’t be a bitch!” the king snapped back. “I’m just trying to figure out what the hell is going on here. I now just found out you are half alien and that your father probably is a full alien. Where is he?”
“It was a one night stand, I have no idea who my father is.”
“Then he could be an alien.”
“Sure, or a traveling salesman, or a blacksmith, or a local drunk, who knows?”
“I guess that would explain a lot of your odd behavior,” the king said like an asshole.
“What odd behavior?”
“You know, how you always have so much gas, and the way you chew your food.”
“That’s not odd, I have problems with milk, and most of my teeth have rotted out.”
“How about the way when we are in social situations, you tend to laugh inappropriately? “
“I get nervous,” the queen replied.
“Ok, maybe I’m reading more into this than I should, but I do find it odd that you are still alive talking to me after your head was cut off, how do you explain that?”
“I said I was a witch,” she replied.
“You think you’re a witch, that doesn’t make you a witch.”
“What the fuck?”
“Just because you can’t explain something doesn’t mean it’s supernatural. There is a perfectly good explanation as to why you're still alive. You’re an alien half breed. Aliens aren’t witches, their messengers from Satan himself.”
“Satan? You’re bringing religion into this? I am not Satan, I go to church five days a week.”
“That’s what Satan would do, in order to hide. Blend in, that’s a good plan.”
“You’re paranoid,” the queen replied.
“I have every right to be paranoid, some alien ship just showed up after your head was chopped off and you’re still acting like a bitch. I think I’m well within my rights to be acting like I am.”
The queen rolled her eyes and tried to shake her head in disgust but her head wouldn’t move.
“If you’re trying to piss me off, keep it up,” he said referring to her eye roll. That gesture was always the best way to piss off the king.
“You know what? Now that we killed those two, I have nobody to take you up to that ship. Fuck, now what am I going to do?”
The queen sat there on the bench and didn’t say a word.
“Can you mind read with them? Tell them to send down another carriage?”
“Oh, they’ll be back, this time with an army. They want our kids back.”
The kings sat back and pondered for a moment. “Fetch me my knights right away and get me my army, I got a fight on my hands.”
Cassidy and Dennis sat back in the crowd and watched this all go down. They remembered vividly their experience on a ship similar to this one. The ship that crashed and managed to escape from. They never found out what brought that ship down, and now would be a good time to know, but for now they needed to get away and move on down the road before the shit hit the fan. Killing three little fuckers was one thing, but an army of them, all carrying chapstick guns would be a different issue.
Spying a horse, Dennis ran over and tried to get on the saddle. Cassidy came up behind and gave him a push allowing his leg to get on the other side of the horse and sit down on the saddle. “Not too bad,” Dennis said. “This is really comfortable.”
“What about me?” Cassidy yelled.
“Give me your hand,” he said holding out his left hand to her. She grabbed his hand and with all his strength dropped her back onto the ground with a thud.
“What’s wrong with you? I only weigh one hundred and five pounds!” she barked.
“Maybe you should go find another horse,” Dennis said embarrassed.
Frustrated, Cassidy looked around and found no other horses around. She did see a lot of military types running to the aid of the king and got very nervous about leaving quickly. “We got to go now!” she yelled. “Be a man and get me on that horse!”
Pissed at Cassidy for being such a rag, Dennis tried to get the horse to move by kicking it with his heels and saying, “Gitty up.” The horse didn’t move. He tried using the reigns and that didn’t work either. “What’s wrong with this fucking horse?” he said jabbing the horse again with his heels. “This isn’t going to work, even if I got you up here, this thing isn’t moving.”
“What’s your plan b?” Cassidy asked like a bitch.
“I don’t have a plan b, what’s your plan be porn star?” Dennis snapped back.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You think you’re so smart, you figure it out.”
“Are you making fun of my profession?”
“You call that a profession?” Dennis asked with one eyebrow raised. “A doctor, a lawyer, a chef, those are professions, what you do is have sex. You don’t have to train a dog to have sex, most animals can do it.”
“Are you saying because I don’t have a degree that what I do isn’t professional?”
“No, what I am saying is that because any monkey in a zoo can do it, it’s not a profession.”
Cassidy put her hands on her hips and gave Dennis a stern look with her one tooth missing. “How much did you make last year?” she asked.
“About twenty two thousand dollars,” Dennis replied.
“I made that my first three months,” Cassidy replied. “And that was part time.”
“I’m sure there are drug dealers out there that make a lot of money as well, they aren’t what I consider professional. You are legally one step above prostitution.”
“I’m not going to haggle with you over what you think is professional or not. I make a legal living and I do it very well.”
Dennis shook his head in disagreement but decided not to continue the argument. “We need to leave and we are going to have to do it on foot.”
“Fine,” Cassidy said and waited for Dennis to dismount.
Once back on the ground, both Dennis and Cassidy surveyed the ever growing king’s army and watched them get lined up to defend themselves against the alien ship. From their vantage point they could see the ship hovering above motionless as dust filled the air from the troop movements below.
“I sort of want to watch this,” Dennis said shielding the sun from his eyes.
“I do too, but what if that ship drops a nuclear bomb or something? We could be killed just as easy as them.”
“Good point,” Dennis replied. “We would need to get about ten miles away to keep the blast from killing us.”
“Wait, look!” Cassidy said pointing to the ship.
Hovering above the army, the huge silver ship opened up like a clam and little silver ships shot out like insects. The small ships spun around and darted like flies on shit flying around the army below.
“What are they doing?” Cassidy asked.
“I don’t know, but I think their fucked,” Dennis replied.
Then smoke began to rise from the field below and fire shot in all directions along with soldiers who flew through the air like they were shot out of a circus cannon. Over and over the army below was shot up and torn to pieces by the small craft that spun around them taking shots. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
“How long do you want to watch?” Cassidy asked.
“I think I’ve seen enough,” Dennis said and turned to leave. It was then he saw the tall man standing by the horse watching them. He wasn’t dressed like he was medieval, he was dressed like a Nazi from World War II.
“Who the fuck are you?” Dennis asked the stranger.
“I was going to ask the same thing,” the man said with a thick German accent.
“We were just leaving,” Dennis said and turned back realizing he had nowhere to go, he was pinned between this man and the dest
ruction behind him.
“Where are you going?” the man asked.
“Actually, I don’t know anymore. I seem to be stuck.”
“I can offer you a ride,” the man said.
“Who are you?” Dennis asked.
The stranger stepped forward in his military uniform and held out his hand to Dennis. “My name is Guntar, and yours?”
“Dennis shook Guntar’s hand and replied, “Dennis, that this is my friend Cassidy.”
“Glad to meet you Dennis and Cassidy. Where would you like to go?” Guntar asked.
“Actually, South Dakota would be nice right now,” Dennis replied with a smile.
“South Dakota?” Guntar asked with a quizzical look on his face. “What is a South Dakota?”
“Ever see “Dances with Wolves?” Dennis asked.
“No, sorry.”
“It’s a state, just below North Dakota, north of Nebraska.”
“I can take you as far as the next town, but South Dakota is too far for me to go.”
Dennis looked at Cassidy and both looked at Guntar. “Do you have a car?” Dennis asked looking around. All he saw was the horse that didn’t budge.
“I have transportation,” Guntar replied.
Dennis felt that was a defensive answer and purposely vague. “What? A skateboard? a helicopter? I don’t see anything here. Fuck, I didn’t even see you get here.”
“I can take you, which is not a problem.”
“It is if I don’t know how you plan to do it,” Dennis snapped back getting a little perturbed.
“Follow me,” Guntar said waving the two towards him. “I will show you.”
Hesitantly, Dennis and Cassidy followed Guntar around the horse and into the woods.
“I have a really bad feeling about this,” Cassidy said. “I don’t think I want to go any further.”
Guntar turned around and smiled at Cassidy like a kindly old man in a candy store. “I assure you there will be no problem, but you must follow me first.”
“Why in there?” she asked pointing to the woods.
“If you don’t want me to help that is fine, there are plenty of bandits around here who would skin you for your hide to sell.”
