by Ariel Ellman
“What about what your father said?” Ani choked.
“I’m not my father,” Sebastian murmured into Ani’s neck as he scooped her up in his arms and carried her into his apartment. “Do you want to know the truth A?” Sebastian laid Ani down on his bed and peeled her clothes off of her body. “The truth is, I don’t care about your husband. The truth is that I’m not the boy you used to know anymore. I’m more sinner than saint now, and I want you whatever the cost,” he confessed, trailing his lips across Ani’s breasts.
“I want you too,” Ani breathed, pulling Sebastian’s shirt over his head and unbuttoning his jeans.
“I want to brand you as mine,” Sebastian confessed huskily, flipping Ani over onto her stomach and trailing kisses down her back. “I want to mark every inch of your body.” He dipped his tongue into the crease that led down to Ani’s ass.
“Yes,” Ani moaned, “brand me with your scent, I want to smell you on my skin forever.”
Sebastian spread Ani’s legs open and buried his face on top of her ass with a moan, trailing his lips down her cheeks and gathering the soft skin of her inner thigh between his teeth, sucking gently.
“Tell me you’re mine,” he whispered, sliding a finger inside Ani as he continued to suck on her skin, branding her thighs with his mouth.
“I’m yours,” Ani moaned helplessly, writhing beneath him.
“Forever,” Sebastian whispered, flipping Ani back over and lowering his mouth to her breasts.
“Forever,” Ani echoed, closing her eyes as Sebastian sucked and licked his way down the front of her body, marking her breasts, stomach and thighs.
“Who do you belong too?” Sebastian demanded as he pushed Ani’s legs open and thrust into her.
“You, always you,” Ani moaned helplessly.
Sebastian made love to Ani fiercely, teasing her with his fingers as he thrust inside her, and pulling away every time she was on the brink of an orgasm. And then he finally flipped her over onto her stomach and drove into her until she simply couldn’t take it anymore. Ani shuddered and collapsed against the bed, moaning Sebastian’s name as he poured inside her and buried his face into the back of her neck.
“I’ve missed you so much,” Sebastian whispered, rolling off of Ani and pulling her onto his chest. “You’re the same, but so different,” he murmured in wonder as he stroked her shoulders and pressed his lips into her hair. “I want to know everything about the woman you’ve become. I want to know everything I missed.”
“Me too,” Ani whispered, tracing the symbols across Sebastian’s chest with her fingers. “What did you do on your eighteenth birthday?” She ran her fingers across her name and traced her way up the rose on Sebastian’s neck.
“I sat on my bed and cried like a baby,” Sebastian admitted softly. “I think I still thought there had been some mistake and that I would get out soon. There is nothing that can prepare you for prison, nothing that can give you the armor ahead of time that you need to survive it.”
“So how did you get the armor?” Ani asked, “How did you survive?”
“Time,” Sebastian answered sadly, “you build it up over time, bell call to bell call. Until one day you realize that your entire soul is encased in a shell, and you don’t know if you will ever be able to break out of it.”
“What was the worst part of being in prison?” Ani asked, trailing her lips down Sebastian’s body and across the ink that bore witness to his pain.
“Time,” Sebastian repeated simply. “I was inside those walls for so long A, almost as long as I’ve lived outside in the world. I was inside for so long that I forgot what it was like to live in a civilized society where people don’t solve their disputes by shanking each other in the shower or forcing someone to eat their shit just to prove that they can.”
“Shit like actual shit, or metaphorical shit?” Ani asked, lifting her head up from Sebastian’s chest to stare at him in disbelief.
“Oh A,” Sebastian laughed weakly. “The stories I could tell you….”
“Tell me, I want to hear them,” Ani whispered, sliding back up Sebastian’s body and pressing her forehead to his. “You’re the same and different to me too, you know. I want to know about the man you’ve become, I want to know what I missed,” she echoed Sebastian’s words to her.
“Ani,” Sebastian replied softly, closing his eyes against her face. “I grew up in prison, you don’t want to know about that. You don’t want to know about the man I became inside those walls.”
“Yes I do,” Ani assured Sebastian, kissing his eyelids and licking away the tears that seeped out of his eyes.
“We smell like fish,” Sebastian observed with a strangled laugh, breaking the seriousness of the moment.
“Yeah, we probably should have showered after getting back from the boat,” Ani agreed, wrinkling her nose with a grin. “C’mon.” She sat up and pulled Sebastian with her. “Let’s go wash the fish bait off.”
Sebastian swatted Ani playfully on the ass as he chased her into the bathroom laughing.
“First one in gets all the hot water,” Ani teased, coming to a startled stop in front of the bathroom mirror. “Wow,” she breathed in wonder as she stared at the purple trail of hickeys that began at the base of her throat and covered almost every inch of her body. “This is quite a statement.” She ran her fingers across her breasts and down her hips as she turned to the side to look over her shoulder at her purple back and ass.
“Sorry,” Sebastian replied weakly, staring at Ani in the mirror with haunted eyes.
“I thought you said you didn’t care about my husband,” Ani murmured, turning to face Sebastian. “I thought you said your father was wrong.”
“I said I wanted you at any cost,” Sebastian corrected. “I didn’t say that I wanted to share you.” He trailed his fingers across the hickeys that he’d marked Ani with. “I said I wanted to brand you as mine,” he reminded her, kneeling down and tracing his brand with his tongue.
“You don’t have to brand me,” Ani murmured softly, kneeling down on the floor to face Sebastian. “Your father was right. I do have to choose, and I choose you.” Ani slid her wedding ring off her finger and took Sebastian’s face in her hands. “I choose you,” she whispered, kissing him deeply as Sebastian’s tears trailed down her face and mixed in with her own.
Chapter Ten
Ani left Sebastian’s apartment after they showered, promising to return that night. It seemed like days since Jordan had confronted Sebastian in the bakery and taken Raffi home with him, but in reality, it had only just happened that morning.
It was dusk when she left the apartment, and Ani’s stomach rumbled as she realized it was almost dinnertime and she hadn’t eaten all day. She wasn’t able to eat her sandwich on the boat after Sebastian’s father’s talk, and neither she nor Sebastian had eaten anything after they’d gotten back to his apartment.
Ani took a cab back to the bakery to pick up her car and drove home to Jordan and Raffi. She realized that for the first time in the nine years that she’d been married, she wasn’t filled with anxiety at the thought of talking to her husband about her past. Sawyer had been right, she should have told Jordan about Sebastian a long time ago, and despite the difficulty of what was ahead, Ani was filled with relief at the prospect of finally sharing her secrets.
The lights were on when she pulled up in front of the brownstone, and Ani stepped inside hesitantly, calling out Jordan and Raffi’s names. They were in the kitchen, and Ani could hear the murmur of her husband and daughter’s voices as she walked through the foyer.
“Hi,” she said softly, pausing in the doorway to take them in. Jordan had gotten pizza, and he was pulling the hot cheesy slices out of the box as Raffi slid the plates over to him.
“Hi,” Jordan replied back, looking startled to see Ani standing before them.
“Mommy,” Raffi cried with relief in her eyes as she ran over to Ani and wrapped her arms around her waist.
“Hi pumpki
n,” Ani murmured, hugging her daughter tightly as she gazed at Jordan across the kitchen. “Are you okay?” she asked Raffi softly, holding her against her side.
Raffi nodded, burying her face into her mother’s chest.
“Are you and daddy still mad at each other about your friend Sebastian?” she asked her mother, lifting her face up to meet Ani’s eyes.
“No,” Ani whispered, sitting down and gathering her daughter into her arms. “I’m so sorry about this morning baby. Nobody meant anything that they said. It was just a big misunderstanding, and sometimes when grownups don’t know the truth about a situation or they think the wrong thing, they get angry and say things that they shouldn’t.” Ani pressed her lips against the top of Raffi’s head and raised her eyes to meet her husband’s piercing gaze.
“Daddy said not to be upset and that everything would be ok,” Raffi whispered back against her mother’s chest.
“He’s absolutely right,” Ani replied firmly. “You have nothing to worry about and we love you so much,” she promised her daughter, hugging her fiercely.
“You look different,” Jordan observed quietly, studying his wife as he tried to figure out what was different about her. “You look resolved.”
“Can Raffi stay with your parents tonight?” Ani asked Jordan softly, ignoring his statement.
“Why?’ Jordan asked, challenging Ani with his eyes.
“Because I’d like to finally talk to you,” Ani replied, gazing back at him unwaveringly.
“Okay,” Jordan agreed, his voice wary as he picked up his cell phone and dialed his parents.
“Why can’t I just go to Aunt Sawyer’s?” Raffi asked, staring at her parents nervously.
“Because I think your Aunt Sawyer could use a break from all of our family drama,” Ani answered, casting her daughter a tender smile as she ruffled her hair. “Besides, you know your grandparents will spoil you with ice cream and take you out for a fancy brunch in the morning.”
“True, but I’d rather stay here with you guys,” Raffi admitted with a tremble in her voice.
“I know baby, and I’m so sorry about everything that has happened this last week. But I want you to know that no matter what happens between your father and I, we love you so much and we always will,” Ani promised, kissing her daughter’s head and squeezing her tightly. “You are the most important thing in the whole world to us and you can always count on us to be here for you.”
“Are you going to get a divorce?” Raffi asked with a muffled sniffle against her mother’s chest.
“No matter what happens you will always have both of us,” Ani answered quietly, avoiding the question as she met Jordan’s guarded gaze above their daughter’s head.
Jordan’s parents pulled up in front of the brownstone fifteen minutes later and Ani hid in the den when her mother in-law came in to get Raffi. The last person in the world who she wanted to face right now was the aristocratic condescending woman who had never liked her or thought she was good enough for her son. Fortunately, both of Jordan’s parents worshipped their granddaughter, so that helped the in-law relationship tremendously.
“How about a fire?” Jordan asked Ani as he walked into the den to join her after his mother left with Raffi.
“Sure,” Ani agreed, walking over to the overstuffed couch by the fireplace and sitting down. The den was one of her favorite rooms in the brownstone. The marble tiled foyer and silk wallpapered living room had always felt too grand to Ani, but the den was cozy and comforting. It was one of the few rooms in the brownstone that she had decorated herself, and Ani had done everything in deep greens and blues with charcoal grey accents. Looking around at the deep green chenille couch and blue walls with slate grey trim, she suddenly realized that the room reminded her of the sea surrounded by the jagged rocks of the shore.
After Jordan got the fire started, he sat down on the chair opposite the couch, gazing at Ani silently as he waited for her to begin.
“I just want to start by saying that I’m so sorry about today,” Ani began hoarsely.
“Which part?” Jordan asked quietly, his expression unreadable.
“I haven’t been having an affair with Sebastian for the last nine years of our marriage Jordan, I would never do that to you,” Ani murmured. “I only just saw him last week for the first time in fifteen years. But I was wrong not to tell you about him and what he meant to me, and I understand why you jumped to the conclusions that you did, even if they were all wrong.”
“What he meant to you, or what he still means to you?” Jordan asked softly, leaning forward to stare into his wife’s eyes.
“What he still means,” Ani whispered back in anguish, and Jordan closed his eyes briefly in pain at her admission.
“You’re not wearing your wedding ring,” Jordan whispered, suddenly noticing the empty space on his wife’s ring finger. “Are you leaving me for him?” Jordan stared at his wife in disbelief.
“Can I please just tell you my story?” Ani begged, leaning forward and taking her husband’s hands in her own. “Can I finally share my secrets with you?”
“I don’t think it matters anymore,” Jordan replied, shaking his head as his eyes filled. “I thought for so long that when you were finally ready to share your secrets with me it would bring us closer, that it would fill the space between us. I never realized it would mean the end of us.” Jordan stared at Ani grief-stricken.
“Jordan please,” Ani cried, closing the distance between them and hugging her husband to her chest. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have married you. I loved you, I still do, I always will. But my heart wasn’t whole to give. I’ve been missing a part of it for fifteen years. I gave my heart away to Sebastian when I was a little girl and he still has it,” Ani confessed with a sob, finally admitting what she had kept hidden in the deep recesses of her soul for so long.
By the time Ani finished telling Jordan her story, they were both exhausted from crying, and they stared at each other emotionally spent as the fire began to die out behind them.
“Are you cold?” Jordan whispered, slipping an arm around Ani as she began to shiver and shake. Ani nodded and Jordan pulled her into his lap and wrapped the cashmere afghan from the couch around them.
“Do you hate me?” Ani asked, leaning her head back against Jordan’s chest.
“How can I hate you when I love you so much?” Jordan replied sadly, pressing his lips into Ani’s hair.
“I know I said I shouldn’t have married you, but I don’t regret one minute of our lives together Jordan, I don’t,” Ani choked out hoarsely. “We made Raffi, Jordan.”
“I know.” Jordan held Ani tightly against his chest. “I don’t want to let you go,” he admitted, hot tears falling down his face and into Ani’s hair.
“Jordan,” Ani whispered back, her voice filled with grief.
“Don’t you dare tell me that we can be friends, like this is some casual breakup,” Jordan whispered, his voice thick with pain. “Because you’re my wife Ani, the mother of my child, and I thought you would be with me forever. I thought we would grow old together and I looked forward to sitting in a porch rocker with you and watching our grandchildren play on our lawn,” Jordan choked, squeezing Ani so tightly that she almost couldn’t breathe.
“Jordan,” Ani gasped again, prying his arms off of her to catch her breath and turning around in his lap to face him.
“Please don’t go Ani,” Jordan pleaded with his heart in his eyes. “Please don’t go.” He traced her face with his fingers and leaned forward to taste her lips. “I’ve loved you since the first moment that I saw you in my kitchen. I don’t care if Sebastian has a piece of your heart, I’ve lived this long without it. I’ll take you as you are, haunted eyes and half a heart. I’ll take you anyway I can have you,” Jordan confessed, trailing kisses across Ani’s lips and down her neck.
“Jordan I’m so sorry,” Ani wept against Jordan’s mouth. “I’m so sorry.” She untangled herself from his arms and climbed
out of his lap. “I’ll call you tomorrow to talk about Raffi,” she choked out as she turned away from her broken husband and ran out the door.
Ani drove away from her house blindly, barely able to see through the curtain of tears that fell from her eyes. She didn’t know where she was headed but she wasn’t surprised to find that she’d driven to her sister’s apartment when she found herself parked in front of it. She couldn’t go back to Sebastian’s apartment yet, and she realized that she no longer had a home in the brownstone with Jordan and Raffi. She walked up the steps to Sawyer’s place and collapsed on the floor in front of the door, resting her head against it as the tears fell from her eyes.
“Ani?” Sawyer called out hesitantly as she opened the door when she heard the sounds of sobbing outside her apartment.
“I told Jordan everything,” Ani whispered, staring up at her sister with grief-stricken eyes.
“Oh A,” Sawyer sighed, leaning down and pulling her sister up off of the floor. “What did he say?” She led Ani into the apartment and over to the couch.
“He said he’d still have me,” Ani whispered in disbelief. “He said that he’d take me with haunted eyes and half a heart.” She buried her face in her hands. Sawyer stared back at her sister in sorrow and for once had nothing to say.
“And I told Sebastian that I love him,” Ani sobbed. “I told him today that I was his forever and that I choose him over Jordan.”
“Well then it’s finally done,” Sawyer replied quietly, staring off into space. “You don’t have to hide from your feelings anymore, and you don’t have to wait for Sebastian any longer. He’s out and he’s here with you.”
“Then why does my heart still feel broken?” Ani choked, lifting a tear-streaked face up to stare into her sister’s eyes.
“I don’t know A,” Sawyer murmured, staring back at her sister sadly.
