In Times of Violence

by Karina Kantas

  Footsteps came up behind me, so I stopped and turned. “Dylan, I’m not in the mood for company, so please leave.”

  “No, I’m not leaving. You need to be with someone right now. I’m glad you saw that. At least you can’t pretend this isn’t happening anymore. You knew, you just didn’t want to accept it. She’s not the first, and certainly won’t be the last.”

  No, I never took notice of the clues. I didn’t want to face the truth that I was not enough for him. But to see it with my own eyes, for him to do that when he knew I was watching, made me feel like shit under his shoe. I wanted to ask Dylan so many questions, but they were forgotten as he came closer and put his arm around my shoulder. I needed to be comforted. He pulled me to his chest; I heard his heart beating fast.

  “It’s okay, Jade, I’m here.”

  I broke down and sobbed onto his shirt.

  “I’ll always be here for you.” His voice sounded husky, horny even.

  Reaching down, he lifted up my chin, so I faced him. I saw love in his face, and desire in his eyes. He kissed me, and I didn’t try to fight him off.

  His lips were warm and moist, and I enjoyed the kiss. He stopped, looked at me once again, cursed gently under his breath, and then kissed me with even more passion. I didn’t hold anything back. I felt him harden as I pressed into his body. Was it that I needed to feel wanted and loved, and Dylan was there? No, oh God no. I’d always been attracted to him. I didn’t want this to end, so I initiated the next step. Of course, it was wrong, he was Marcus’s brother, but it felt so right, and knowing the danger made it more exciting.

  I reached down and touched him. He flinched as if he’d been shocked. He pushed me away, and keeping hold of one of my wrists, looked down at me gravely.

  “Don’t do that ... unless you know what you’re doing, you’d better stop. Because I won’t.”

  Did I know what I was doing? Did I care? I was about to destroy my friendship with Dylan, and ruin my relationship with Marcus. I clearly forgot that I had just caught him doing the same thing. All I could think about was Dylan standing there, sexy as always, but wanting me. I needed a shoulder to cry on, yet it was more than that. When we were together, there was chemistry. I tried to deny my feelings, thinking only of Marcus. I couldn’t deny how I felt at that moment. There was a stirring in my body; the sexual tension between us had reached its limits. I took a deep breath before I spoke.

  “Yes, Dylan, I know what I’m doing.”

  He pulled me to him and kissed me with so much passion, a wave of desire swept through my body. He held me with his right arm while his left hand reached down and pulled up my skirt. His kissing never stopped. His hand probed until it found its mark and I sighed in ecstasy. I was so hot; I didn’t think I could take much more. He was driving me crazy. I guess we were in some car park, but at the time, it wouldn’t have mattered if were in the middle of the street, or right outside the Spider’s Web.

  “Oh, Dylan. I want you. I need to feel you inside me. Please stop - no more.”

  He stopped touching me, took me in his arms, and carried me over to some grass, where he laid me down gently and began undressing me. I was his; he could do what he wanted, I was powerless to act. We undressed each other, which was a turn-on in itself. We didn’t rip each other’s clothes off. We did it slowly. We felt we had all the time in the world. My skin tingled with delight as his mouth explored every inch of my body.

  “Jade, do you know what you’re doing to me? You’re so exquisite.”

  He groaned as I kissed his throat then chest. I wanted to kiss every part of his body. I wanted to pleasure him back, not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and for the first time in my life, I enjoyed it. So this is what making love was all about, I thought. I didn’t think it was possible to feel more desire than I first did with Marcus, but my body was reaching such highs. I felt alive.

  Dylan looked up at me with yearning. “I’ve dreamed of this so many times, to hold you, to taste you, to possess you. I love you.”

  Was this real? Was I dreaming? Did I just hear those words? This was a real man; this was what I had been looking for all my life. His experienced hands shook as he touched me. I could tell I was getting to him. I couldn’t take much more. I ached for us to become one.

  “Oh, God. Please, Dylan, now,” I begged.

  It felt right, so warm and wonderful. We fitted together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I felt his body quiver as he eased himself back and then forward again. Excitement built inside me. Every thrust brought me to new highs until I couldn’t take anymore and cried out. Dylan shouted my name as he reached his orgasm. Then collapsed on top of me, breathless.

  When we had both regained our breath, he sat up, propped up on one elbow, and watched me. I lay on my side looking at him, but not seeing him.

  “Hey, why you crying?” he asked.

  I didn’t realise tears were rolling down my face. I was too breathless to speak, and so I pulled him to me.

  After a few seconds, he pulled away. “You okay?”

  “God, I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what came over me,” I lied.

  I think it was because no one had ever loved me like that. It was the most beautiful experience I ever had. I guess my emotions were in turmoil. I couldn’t cope with my emotions or my feelings.

  “Oh shit, what have I done?” The words just spilled out of my mouth.

  Dylan looked at me with a hurt expression on his face. “Was it so terrible? I enjoyed myself.”

  He expected me to laugh. I didn’t.

  “Christ! What we gonna do now?” I wasn’t asking him, it was more for myself, all the same, he answered.

  “Well, the best thing you could do is to tell Marcus what happened. Tell him how we feel about each other; then tell him you’re leaving him for me.”

  He was serious. I was startled.

  “But you’re not gonna do that, are you?”

  Still speechless, I nodded in agreement.

  “So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna get dressed, go home, and pretend nothing happened, carry on like before.”

  “Can we?” I said, unconvinced.

  I’d just had sex with my boyfriend’s brother. No, it wasn’t just sex, it was something else, and it meant more to me than anything. There was nothing left to say, so we dressed and lay in each other’s arms. I felt snug and warm, as if I belonged there.

  Dylan was upfront about his feelings, which was something Marcus hadn’t done for a long time. He told me that he had never met anyone like me and that I was special. I would have taken it as a line; however, the way he spoke convinced me. I believed every word he said. I laughed when he told me the time he got an eyeful of my arse, he wanted to grab me, throw me to the floor, and make love to me. He told me he had loved me from the moment he first saw me and apologised for the way he had acted. He was upset that I was with Marcus, as he wanted me for himself. I suppose I should have guessed what was going on, but I’d had my sights on the head of the Tyrants and blanked out the signals.

  I fell asleep listening to the sound of his voice and woke up hearing it.

  “Jade, darling, wake up, it’s late. I’d better get you home, Marcus is probably wondering where you’ve got to.”

  I opened my eyes. At first, I didn’t know where I was, except on hearing Marcus’s name, everything flooded back like a wave crashing on top of me. I sat up quickly, blood rushed to my head, and I felt unsteady.

  Dylan helped me to stand up. “You okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m fine, just got up too fast.”

  As if reading my mind, he took out a glucose tablet from his jean pocket and offered me one.

  “Too much exercise,” he joked.

  I smiled as he pulled me close. I could smell his scent. I needed to kiss him again, just to make sure it wasn’t all a dream. I lifted my head up and gazed at him. He stared down at me, contemplating whether to kiss me or not. Oh God, I needed to feel his lips on mine,
to be in his embrace once again. We gazed at each other like lovesick teenagers. It was a trying moment. However, Dylan broke the trance.

  “Come on, I’d better get you home.”

  We walked home in silence. I was lost in thought, confronted with the biggest decision of my life.

  How was I supposed to live in the same house with him after what we’d done? I didn’t think I could face him again. We would bump into one another every day, and I didn’t think I could handle it. I wasn’t sure if Dylan could handle it either. Maybe the best thing to do would be to leave them both, but where would I go? Who would want me?

  Marcus was in the house when we arrived back. Dylan went straight to his room, leaving me alone with his brother.

  “Where the hell have you been?” he yelled. “I was just gonna call the gang to look for you. Do you know what time it is?”

  How dare he shout at me? Any other time I would have hit him, sworn at him, and screamed my lungs out, calling him all the names I could think of, but I was too ashamed to confront him about what he did. I just didn’t care anymore.

  “I went for a walk,” I told him, “I needed to think.”

  In a matter of seconds, his face turned from anger to guilt. He sat me down while I listened to his pathetic apology.

  “Oh, Jade, I’m sorry about what happened. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was drunk. Please forgive me. I need you, don’t ever leave me.”

  I thought he was going to get down on one knee and start begging. It was pathetic. I knew how he felt about me. Yes, he needed me in his bed, needed me to cook his meals, and he wanted an attractive, tough chick on his arm. That’s what it was about, quite funny really. We were using one another for the same reasons; for company and looks. I thought I loved him. It was then I understood. I was in love with his position, his standing and popularity, not the man himself. I was with the wrong brother. I loved Dylan, not Marcus.

  Nevertheless, Dylan and I agreed not to say anything about that night. We didn’t want to hurt Marcus, and I wasn’t ready to deal with my feelings yet. I was surprised Marcus didn’t catch on. Dylan and I avoided one another to such an extent, he assumed we’d had a fight and tried to get us to patch things up. If only he knew. Every time Dylan brushed past me, sparks shot up my arm, and I had a warm feeling in my stomach which turned my legs to jelly. God, I wanted him. I knew it affected Dylan just as much. We tried to keep our feelings to ourselves, but it was difficult. I’m sure anyone in the same room could have felt the sexual tension. Our looks spoke volumes on how we felt about each other. You didn’t need to be perceptive to know something had happened between us, it was so obvious. Maybe Marcus recognised the signs but chose to ignore it. Maybe he was happy with the way things were. No way! I could imagine what would happen if he found out. There certainly wouldn’t be any congratulations, which was probably why Dylan and I decided not to say anything.

  The more time I spent with Dylan, the more I wanted him. I began to fantasise about being with him, making love. I was willing to risk everything. It took all our willpower to keep from starting something we knew we wouldn’t be able to stop. Unfortunately, our self-control didn’t hold out very long. The inevitable occurred. We hungered for one another too much.

  It happened one evening when Marcus had left us alone to go down to the Spider’s Web. I told him I had a headache, and Dylan said he was too tired to go out. As soon as we heard the front door bang shut, we ran out of our bedrooms, practically banging into each other. We started ripping each other’s clothes off in the middle of the landing. I needed to touch his soft skin, to see his naked, masculine physique. I ached to feel him inside me again. I knew Dylan felt the same urgent need. I could see he needed me. While undressing one another, we somehow managed to get in Dylan’s room. Still unable to let go of one another, we fell onto his bed laughing and kissing.

  The sex was amazing; wild and passionate. We didn’t want to spend time with foreplay. We didn’t know how much time we had, and we couldn’t wait. I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I didn’t know when we would get another opportunity to be together.

  Our desperate and rigorous sex left us breathless and sweaty. We took a shower together. What an erotic experience that was, the water running down our bodies, washing each other. Dylan was soon ready once again. We took our time making love, tasting and touching one another. It was incredible; I didn’t want it to end. After we had finished washing the scent of passion off, Dylan wrapped a warm towel around me and patted me dry. I felt like a little girl again, all warm and snug. How I wished it would last. I watched him standing over the sink brushing his teeth, wearing nothing but a tiny blue towel that just covered his bum. There’s something very erotic about a man dressed in a towel, water glistening on his skin. I wanted to lick off every drop. That man cried out to be touched. He saw me staring and knew what I was thinking, grinned at me through the mirror. We dressed and then went downstairs. Curled up on the couch, we waited for Marcus to return.

  “We can’t go on like this, Jade, it’s not right. It’s not fair to Marcus, or to us.”

  I knew I loved Dylan, and I wanted to be with him. I understood that Marcus was just an infatuation, and I knew that the two of us couldn’t keep living like that. However, I hadn’t figured out what I was going to say to Marcus, or what Dylan and I were going to do next. I didn’t want to face the truth; I couldn’t bear to think about the future. I just wanted to enjoy the time we had.

  “We’ve got to sit down and discuss what we’re gonna do,” Dylan continued, “I can’t live like this. I want you to myself. I can’t share you anymore.”

  “I know,” I answered, “but not now, Dylan, please. Let’s just enjoy each other.”

  “Okay, babe,” was his reply.

  Our affair continued. Neither was prepared to end it, and we couldn’t bear to hurt Marcus. We knew what we were doing was wrong, but what Marcus didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Somehow, we managed to find time for one another, and we enjoyed every spare moment together. Of course, we wanted more time, only we never complained about it and savoured every moment.

  It wasn’t just about the incredible sex, and how Dylan made me feel about myself; we could talk to one another. We never ran out of things to say and had loads in common. He had so many views on the world. I could have sat and listened to him forever. Once he started, it was hard for him to stop. It was as though he’d had no one to talk to, and was dying to get it all out. His words carried so much excitement I felt absorbed. And he didn’t think me warped when I told him some of my ideas and views. He understood me. Politics was a different matter; we agreed to disagree on that subject.

  Marcus would talk about the past, present, and future, but never about himself, his thoughts, or his feelings. I think he kept everything bottled up inside, afraid to let anyone in. He was a secret guy, only giving so much away. When I first met him, I tried to get him to open up to me, although in the end, I gave up. I always thought Dylan was the quiet one, but he proved me wrong.

  Sometimes Dylan and I would just sit in each other’s arms and talk, rather than make love. It was a real relationship, not based on sex alone. We were devoted to one another. We talked lots about our future and made plans to go away together, but we never took the first step. I wish to God now we had.

  It made it somewhat exciting, knowing that anyone could catch us at any time, then the charade would end, and we could stop playing the dangerous game. I wanted it to happen that way, and then we wouldn’t have to tell Marcus ourselves. Marcus was genuinely a good person, he cared for me, and he was considerate and gentle. He said he loved me, but I knew it was all lies. Dylan told me everything, even though I didn’t want to know about Marcus’s sordid affairs. I knew of every rendezvous Marcus had with other women, or when he would make out with someone in a bar. It would all get back to me. He was as two faced as I was.

  For the sake of the Tyrants, Dylan and I carried on as if nothing had happened. I put up with Marcus�
�s womanising, turning a blind eye, and Dylan treated me like a big sister. It seemed the right thing to do. I respected Marcus, he’d done a lot for me, and still looked after me, and Dylan loved his brother too much to hurt him.

  I suppose we were happy in our situation. We were definitely going to leave. It wasn’t all talk. I looked forward to our life together, but the timing was never right.

  Marcus and I carried on like a normal couple. We had sex, but we never made love. His sex sessions were a quick cuddle and touch, missionary position, and then he would roll over and sleep. When I first met him, I did everything I could to please him. Everything he wanted, and what I thought he deserved. What I assumed he’d expect, as I didn’t want him to find it anywhere else.

  Not anymore.

  I laid flat on my back and let him get on with it. I didn’t put any effort into it. I didn’t want him. I wanted Dylan. I knew Marcus was getting sex elsewhere, so I presumed it didn’t bother him when I had a headache or was too tired to play. It killed Dylan though, every time Marcus and I went to bed together, and every time he kissed me in public, which was often. Marcus loved showing off his sexy girlfriend. That’s all he kept me for. I was for show, a trophy. I was the cook, and the washer-upper, just like I had been back home.

  Dylan never talked to me about my relationship with his brother, he never ruined the mood. He didn’t hassle me about my illness either, but I could tell he was watching me closely. I didn’t have anything to hide from him. If I had an attack when I was with him, I wouldn’t leave the room as I did with Marcus. I would drink a fizzy soda if low or take insulin if I was high in sugar. He watched with interest, yet never made me talk about it, sensing I didn’t want to.

  I wish we could have spent more time together, knowing what I do now. I wish we had gone for coffee holding hands while walking down the street declaring our love openly to passersby. I wish we had gone to the cinema, sat in the back row, and made out like the usual couples. However, we couldn’t go public, and it just never seemed the right time. So we carried on with our charade, and Marcus never suspected a thing.