The Beloved Son

by Jay Quinn

  Karl let her lead the way back to the house. He tried to find the wisdom in his mother’s fiercely independent strides to the end of her consciousness and her life. He thought it would be more painful to cling to her once she became a shell of the woman she had been. The final good-bye could be years away, and the thought of all the good-byes in between was like the fraying of a rope that held them together. He watched her straight, resolved back as she walked up the pathway to the front porch, and he found it in himself to appreciate her attempt to sever the tie cleanly to spare them both the abrasion of living on and on without any resolution. But he knew he would not be able to let go so simply. For all that he liked the elegant, concrete solutions to complex questions, life didn’t always accommodate his inclination.

  As Annike reached the front door, she stopped and stood, waiting for him with a smile. He marveled at her understanding of him. In her own way, she had freed him from the years of regret he would have experienced otherwise. In this way, he understood where he got his own desire for the simple but apt answer. She had handed him his future, free and clear of emotional debt. Karl found himself taking the final steps to her side with self-assurance. He understood. In reply, he placed his hand on the doorknob and bent swiftly to kiss her cheek. He then said in his long, unspoken first tongue, “Tack själv, Mama. Du veta hur mycket JAG älska du. Minas sä pass.” Thanks, Mama. You know how much I love you. Remember that. Then he opened the door for her and watched as she passed him.

  Once inside the house, it was easy to find the others by the loud discussion raging in the sunroom. As they drew closer, they heard Melanie say, “Gramps, you can’t deny this is a manufactured war. Bush and his cronies had every intention of going to war with Iraq when he entered office. He simply lied to the nation about why.”

  “Melanie, it doesn’t matter whether there were weapons of mass destruction or not. Saddam Hussein is a friend of terrorists and he maintained a terrorist regime. The en d justifies the means. We freed the Iraqi people, and I believe with all my heart that all men yearn to be free,” Frank countered.

  “But you’re looking at the Iraqis like they have American concepts of personal freedom, and they don’t,” Melanie replied heatedly. “Americans can’t just go over there and go, ‘Poof! You’re free! Now you can be like us.’ It doesn’t work that way, Gramps.”

  “Well, now at least they have that chance,” Frank retorted.

  “Yes, but how many American lives is it going to cost to help them keep that chance?” Melanie asked.

  “That’s why we have to stay the course and get the job done,” Frank said doggedly.

  Sven looked at Karl beseechingly. “I have a headache,’’ he said quietly.

  Caroline stood and stretched. She looked at Annike and Karl and said, “This is like watching Fox News on cable. You haven’t missed a thing.”

  “No! It’s important,” Melanie said firmly. “Not talking about issues like this is what’s led the American people into another Vietnam.”

  “Iraq is nothing like Vietnam,” Frank insisted.

  Annike strolled into the room and looked at Melanie and Frank in turn. “Let’s agree to disagree, okay? Soon it will be time to say goodbye, and I don’t want this ugliness to spoil what time we have left.”

  “I agree,” Rob said quietly from his place on the sofa beside Sven. “I think the American people will have their say about all this in November. Until then, we’re stuck with what we have in Washington. The best we can do is hope for common sense to prevail.”

  Frank snorted and started to say something, but Karl broke in, saying, “I think both Melanie and Dad are very well read on the issues. I see some validity in both arguments. But I agree with Mom. I think you guys should settle down.”

  “You’re always the rational one,” Frank said. “Your grades and your draft lottery number kept you out of Vietnam; otherwise, I think you’d be more inclined to my point of view.”

  “Oh, Dad’s always in the middle of the road,” Melanie said dismissively.

  “Speaking of the road,” Sven said, and glanced at his watch. “We need to be heading out pretty soon.”

  Frank lowered his feet from his recliner and pushed himself up. “Melanie, young lady, you’re young, and that makes you liberal. But I have to hand it to you, you can hold your own in a political discussion.” He stepped over to his granddaughter and stooped to give her a kiss on the cheek.

  Melanie lifted her arms and draped them around her grandfather’s shoulders after accepting his kiss. “And you’re old and make Rush Limbaugh look like a lightweight, but I still love you.”

  Frank grunted in reply and rose from her embrace with a look of affection. Turning to Karl, he said, “You think you could give me a few minutes like you did your mother?”

  “Sure, Dad,” Karl said. “Do you feel like a walk around the block, too?”

  “No, a turn around the backyard is good enough for me,” Frank said as he walked to the back door of the sunroom. “All of you excuse us, will you?”

  “Sure thing, Frank,” Caroline told him. “Talk him into another visit soon, will you?”

  Frank gave Caroline a nod and waited as Karl strode across the sunroom to join him. Once he met him at the door, Frank opened it and gently urged his son outdoors with a firm hand at the small of his back. Following Karl to the orange trees, Frank said, “You had a chance to talk to your mother?”

  Karl stopped in the shade of the elderly trees and watched as his father joined him there, his face dappled with sunlight and shadow as the warm afternoon sun filtered down on them through the dark green leaves. “Yes, Dad. We had a good talk.”

  “I assume she told you she didn’t want you to visit her once she’s completely gone,” Frank said calmly.

  “Among other things, yes,” Karl told him resignedly.

  “Your mother has a lot of pride, Son,” Frank said. “You know I’ll want you to respect her wishes.”

  “And I won’t give you a fight about it,” Karl said evenly. “It’s like she said, I’ll prefer to remember her as she was today. Happy and in charge of things. She’s something else.”

  “It’s not just you,” Frank said quietly. “She’s thinking about the right time to tell Sven good-bye as well. And you know how hard that must be for her. The thing is, when you are on the edge of losing control, you get pretty set ideas about the things you still can make clear.”

  “The only way I can agree to not see her anymore is in knowing you’ll make sure she’s taken care of,” Karl told him. “But if you go before she does, all bets are off. You know I can’t just abandon her to that wing at Palladian Gardens and not be sure she’s okay,” Karl insisted.

  Frank nodded and said, “I wouldn’t expect any less of you. Like I’ve told you, you’ve got the powers of attorney. Don’t be afraid to use them if you have to.”

  “I’ll do what’s right, Dad,” Karl assured him.

  “I don’t do needy real well, Karl. I’m saying that straight up, I just want you to know I still want to see you once in a while, whenever you can make it. It doesn’t have to be any special occasion,” Frank said beseechingly.

  “Dad, the comfortable years of going about my own business and neglecting my family except for once a year at Christmas are over now,” Karl assured him. “I want to spend more time with you and with Sven. We’re a small family. Losing Mom is going to knock us down to three quarters of what we have now. Just know I love you, and I won’t abandon you.”

  “Thanks, Karl,” Frank said humbly. “I’m resigned to how things are going to be. It’ll be good to see you while the end creeps up on me. You don’t know how I wish it would just all be over with sometimes.”

  “No, Dad,” Karl said firmly. “I can’t feel the way you’re feeling, but I want you to know you don’t have to go through it alone. I could throttle you for letting things get to this point before you called me down here. Don’t do that to me again. Do you hear me?”

  �
�Yeah,” Frank said and chuckled. “I hear you.”

  “You’re going to be okay until you move to Palladian Gardens, right?” Karl asked quietly.

  “Oh, yeah,’’ Frank said. “I might be able to get us in a little sooner if the house sells before June first.”

  “If you need any help, just let me know and I’ll fly down,” Karl told him.

  “I promise I will, but I think we’ll be just fine. Sven does a good job of looking out for us,” Frank said.

  “Ease up on him a little, Dad,” Karl told him firmly. “It’s not fair for you to take all your frustrations out on him. I know you don’t care for how he lives his life, but he’s accommodated you in it and he’s a good son.”

  Frank looked toward the house and put his hands in his pockets. “All I can tell you is I’ll try,” he admitted honestly. “But we’ll never be close. It’s too late for that. And I don’t want you to think that’s ever going to be any different than what it is. I don’t like how Sven lives his life—I never have—but he has been good to your mother and me. I can find it in myself to respect him.”

  Karl sighed and nodded his head. “Okay, Dad, at least that’s something.”

  “It’s you I loved,” Frank admitted openly. “I am so proud of you.”

  “You know, Dad, this morning at the beach, I remembered you taking me wave-jumping at the shore way back when I was a little boy. I remember how safe I felt with you holding on to me. You taught me not to be afraid. I love you, old man. You were one hell of a good father to me.”

  Karl watched as his father’s eyes filled with tears, but Frank turned his back to him before he wiped them away. “You need to be getting to the airport,” Frank told him gruffly. “It’s funny, but this time I don’t want to let you go.”

  Karl took the two steps to his father, wrapped his arms around his shoulders, and held him close for a moment. “I’m glad I came, Dad. It’s been a good weekend.”

  Frank patted his son’s back awkwardly and simply said, “Thanks, boy.”

  With that, Karl dropped his arm and walked his father back to the house to begin the final farewells. For Karl, every step was fraught with meaning. It was the last time for so many things, from being in his old backyard to leaving his old home. But Karl’s need and his nature wouldn’t allow him to invest so much feeling in so much minutiae. He braced himself for the necessity of leaving and the hugs and lingering touches along the way. It was part of the process. But it wasn’t the end by any means. Nothing ever ended without cutting marks that scarred though they were meant to heal with time and perspective.

  20

  ON THE WAY to the airport, wedged in the backseat of Sven’s SUV along with Caroline and Melanie, Karl remained quiet. The highway provided him with the solace of motion. He was beginning to feel that if he lingered here under the southern Florida sun a moment longer, he would be trapped like a fly in a spider web, wound tightly in the past and waiting to be drained of life. The big vehicle carried him along, and he watched as the palm trees and subdivisions flowed past. The towering buildings along the coast looked like a bunch of shoeboxes upended to resemble a cityscape. Now that Karl was heading home, the whole place assumed the aura of a dream. And despite the friendly chatter in the car along the way, it was a dream he was ready to wake from.

  Nearing the airport, Sven said, “Did you speak with Dad about when you thought you might be coming down again?”

  Karl suppressed a sigh and replied, “We left it open. Dad was clear that it didn’t have to be attached to any holiday. He just wants me to visit when I can.”

  “Well, we do, too,” Rob said from the front seat. “You don’t need a reason, and you know you always have a place to stay.”

  “Your home is so lovely,” Caroline said, “I want to come back next week. You must be careful about offering an open invitation.”

  “You haven’t even seen my place on Palm Beach,” Rob replied slyly. “Next time you can stay there and soak up some of that social élan and experience my interior-design style. Sven’s house is all him.”

  Melanie said, “Does that go for me and Drew? I’d love to get him to fly down with me. He needs a break from that Manhattan winter.”

  “Of course, darling,’’ Rob said encouragingly. “But hopefully we’ll be visiting you m your new place in Manhattan soon. We should plan to get together there so Sven and I can get some measurements and start work on turning Drew’s bachelor pad into your first home.”

  “I’ll email you as soon as I hear back about my interview,’’ Melanie said. “But whether I get the job at Sotheby’s or not, I’m planning to move up as soon as this semester is over.”

  “Rob, there’s something else,” Karl interrupted suddenly. “Talking to Sven this morning, I invited you and him to come to us for Christmas this year. I think it’s time we started some new traditions. Caro and I would love to have you visit and to spoil you, as you’ve done us. I can’t promise snow, but I can promise you a more seasonal Christmas up in Cary.”

  “That sounds good to me,” Rob agreed.

  “I think Johann could handle the shop for a few days by himself around Christmas,” Sven said thoughtfully. “I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t go ahead and commit. Then we can begin to schedule around it.”

  “Okay! Let’s do it,” Rob said as he turned in his seat to look back at Caroline. “Are you sure this is good for you?”

  “Absolutely,” Caroline said. “I really enjoyed staying home for Christmas last year rather than spending it in the airport. But it would be so nice to share it with you and Sven. If you’ll come to our house, I promise you you’ll enjoy yourselves.”

  “Oh, that works great for me as well,” Melanie said. “If I’ve started a new job, I might have to stay in Manhattan, and I’ll feel better knowing you all are being together for the holiday.”

  Karl settled back into his seat feeling satisfied. For all the airy promises to stay in touch and to keep the fraying ends of his family together, he felt like he had offered a positive, well-received solution—an event they could all look forward to, knowing that their lives and demands on their time in reality would work against all the other, less concrete promises he’d made. As for his father and mother, well, there was the long summer and fall ahead to find time for a visit. But in the hopeful enthusiasm of a family weekend, many plans seemed practical and workable that later dimmed to mere wishful thinking. At least their Christmas plans were a certainty, and that was a start.

  As Sven pulled up to the departures curb at the airport, everyone spilled from the car with the rushed determination to be on their way. Sven opened the back door of the SUV and handed down their luggage quickly to Karl, leaving Rob to hug Caroline and Melanie good-bye. Sven turned to close the SUV as Rob dropped his arm over Karl’s shoulder and squeezed his triceps. Karl turned to look at his brother’s partner and found Rob looking at him with genuine affection.

  “Thanks for talking some sense into Sven, Karl,” Rob said quietly. “You’ve made a huge difference to us just by being here this weekend.”

  “I’m the older brother,” Karl said. “It’s my job to knock some sense into my two little brothers,” he told Rob, making his status of being at once loved and accepted perfectly clear.

  Rob laughed and, after another firm squeeze, dropped his arm and stepped away to allow Sven to embrace his brother. “Thanks for everything, Karl,” Sven said with his familiar happy smile. “Give us a call to let us know you made it home safe and sound,” he added before letting Karl go and stepping away.

  “I will. You take care of yourself, kid,” Karl told him.

  Sven nodded and then glanced at Rob. “We better get out of the way,” he said.

  Rob waved to them all as he got into the car.

  “I love you,” Sven told Karl quietly, and then he, too, waved good-bye and got in the car.

  Karl joined Caroline and Melanie on the sidewalk and watched as Sven put the big vehicle in gear and pulled
away from the curb. In just a moment, he had merged into the steady stream of traffic and was gone.

  “Dad,” Melanie said carefully, “why don’t we just check in curb-side and let them take your bag along with ours?”

  Karl turned to look at his daughter and was prepared to object, much preferring the easy-on, easy-off approach to flying, but he held his tongue. Instead, he nodded and followed along behind Caroline and Melanie as they stepped up to the curbside check-in. “Where’s Dad’s crucifix?” he asked Caroline suddenly.

  “Still in my purse, Karl. We didn’t forget it,” she told him calmly as she patted her large shoulder bag.

  Karl nodded and murmured thanks. As she looked at him worriedly, he gave her a smile and patted her shoulder. “The idea we’d forgotten it hit me like a jolt,” he admitted.

  “It’s okay, dear,” she reassured him. “We haven’t forgotten anything.”

  Soon, all three of them stood as a group and brandished their IDs as the airline agent ran through the list of preflight questions. After ascertaining that they had packed their own bags, were carrying nothing prohibited, and were not carrying anything for anyone else, the attendant handed them back their IDs along with their boarding passes. “Well, here we go,” Karl said as they waited for the automatic doors of the terminal to open in front of them.

  As they stepped through, Melanie groused, “This is the part of flying I hate. Getting through security is its own little trip to hell, but waiting at the gate to board is the worst. You’re neither here nor there.”

  “Oh, dear, let’s hope the flight isn’t delayed, in that event,” Caro said evenly.

  Karl stepped up to the departures board and confirmed the gate number and time of departure. “Looks like we’re okay,” he told Caro. “We won’t have that long a wait,” he assured Melanie. “I don’t imagine we’ll have to sit long before they begin boarding. We’ve cut our timing a little thin.”