The Phobia of Renegade X

by Chelsea M. Campbell

  “Nothing.”

  Yep, nothing is why she’s hiding in the bathroom, crying. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me!”

  “It’s none of your business!”

  Seriously? Why couldn’t it have been none of my business ten minutes ago? “Just come out here!”

  “No!”

  “Is it— Did Zach do something?”

  Amelia sobs harder.

  “Whatever he said, whatever he did to you—”

  “He didn’t do anything!” She swings the door open and glares at me. Her face is red and puffy. “You’re the one who did something!”

  “Me?” I wasn’t even there.

  She points a finger at me. “You’re the one who gave me bad advice!”

  “I didn’t—”

  “You’re the one who told me to tell Zach I love him!”

  “Whoa. You told him you love him?” I should probably make an effort not to sound so horrified about that, but I can’t help it.

  “You told me to.” She takes a deep breath, then puts her hands to her face as she sobs again.

  “I think I’d remember that.”

  “In the car the other day. I asked you about it, and you said—you said Zach would be into it. That’s what you said.”

  Crap. “That’s what you were talking about?”

  “Of course it is! What did you think I was talking about?”

  “I thought…” I clear my throat. “I thought you were talking about, you know, having sex with him.” Not telling him she loves him, which I could have told her was a dumb idea. Er, not that I would have put it like that exactly, but I could have steered her away from it.

  Amelia puts a hand to her mouth. “Oh. My. God. That’s what you thought I was talking about?!”

  “Yeah, well, what was I supposed to think?”

  “Not that!” A mixture of emotions twists up her face. Though it’s not so much a mixture of emotions as it is varying degrees of disgust. “So when you said you were nervous the first time, you thought I meant…?”

  I nod.

  “Ew ew ew! I didn’t want to know about that! You’re my brother.” She shudders.

  On the bright side, at least she seems more squicked out now than sad. That’s an improvement, right? “Great, well, I’m glad we cleared that up.”

  “And I don’t know why you’d assume I was talking about sex, because I’m only sixteen.”

  “I was sixteen.”

  “Yeah, but you’re… you know.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her.

  “You’re a boy. And you’re you. And I’m not going to have sex until I’m at least seventeen, but probably not until I’m out of school, and only with someone I’ve been with for at least a year.”

  “Wow. That’s a lot of rules.”

  “I just want to be prepared. I don’t want anything to go wrong.”

  Somehow I don’t think she and Zach share the same meaning of prepared. “If you say so.”

  “And we also have to be in love, so I guess that means it’s not going to be with Zach.”

  “You want to tell me what happened?”

  “I told him I loved him, and he didn’t say it back. He didn’t say anything at first. He was just looking at me like… like he didn’t even know me. And then he told me he’d been thinking about it lately, about whether or not he loved me, and I thought he was going to say he did. Because why else would he say that?”

  I scratch my ear and try not to look guilty. “Yeah… Why else?”

  “Well, he didn’t. He said he’s been giving it a lot of thought lately, and he doesn’t love me. He just likes me. A lot. He had the nerve to add that a lot part at the end, like that makes it any better!” Her mouth squishes up, and she breaks into sobs again.

  And I kind of really, really wish I wasn’t here right now. And that I hadn’t had that whole conversation with Zach about whether or not he loves her. Not that I can tell Amelia that. Like, ever.

  “Who does that?” Amelia squeaks. “Who thinks about whether or not they love someone and then says that they don’t, right to their face?”

  “That’s… I mean, I…”

  “I can’t believe I was stupid enough to think anyone would ever love me back. It’s my fault. I was so stupid, and now I ruined everything.”

  I put a tentative hand on her back.

  She takes it as an invitation to lean into me and full on sob into my shoulder.

  “It wasn’t your fault, Amelia. And if you want me to, I don’t know, kill him or something—”

  “I just want to go home.”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll drive you.”

  She takes a step back and sniffles. “But you haven’t had your license long enough to drive with someone else in the car.”

  “Seriously? That’s what you’re worried about?”

  “Well, it’s true.”

  I roll my eyes at her. “That doesn’t matter right now, and even if it did, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t apply to family members. Come on.” I get out my phone to text Kat. She can meet us at the house, and we can go to her dorm from there.

  Amelia doesn’t move.

  “Amelia?”

  She opens her mouth, then hesitates. Then, so quietly I almost don’t hear, she says, “Why am I unlovable?”

  “Hey. You’re not.”

  “But why doesn’t Zach love me? Why can’t he just…”

  “I don’t know.”

  She nods, too choked up to talk for a second. Then she says, “There’s this movie I always watch when I’m sad—”

  “I’m familiar with it.” Familiar with its soundtrack blasting through the attic wall, anyway.

  “Will you watch it with me? When we get home?”

  I hesitate. Just a little too long.

  “Never mind.” She hugs her arms around herself. “It was a stupid idea.”

  “It’s not stupid.”

  “It’s just that I don’t really want to be alone.” She sniffs. “But you probably have plans. With Kat. Because you love her and she actually loves you back. You guys are so”—a sob interrupts her—“so lucky.”

  “I’ll watch the movie with you, Amelia.”

  “But—”

  “It’s okay. I can… I can see Kat tomorrow.” I hope. If she’s still speaking to me after I have to cancel our big weekend together. I mean, she will be—she’ll understand—but I wouldn’t blame her if she also wanted to kill me.

  “But tonight is Prom, and you shouldn’t have to miss anything.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s my choice. And I haven’t blown a hole in anything yet, so maybe it’s better to quit while I’m ahead.”

  Chapter 16

  KAT’S THE BEST. NOT only because she understands when I tell her Amelia’s having a breakdown and I can’t just abandon her, but because she insists on coming with us. I tell her she doesn’t have to—watching sad movies with Amelia all night probably isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time—but she just gives me this look, like don’t even try and stop her.

  Which is, all in all, pretty cool of her. And also way hot. A trait I will most likely not be able to, uh, fully appreciate tonight, what with this change of plans. But still.

  Amelia protests a little bit when I tell her Kat’s coming, too. She says she doesn’t want someone like Kat watching her cry all night. I ask her what she means by someone like Kat, and she says someone who has their life together, particularly their love life. And then I remind her that I’m with Kat, and therefore I must have my love life together, too. And then Amelia tells me that I don’t count because not only am I her brother, but I’m also pretty much a total screwup, so me seeing her cry is completely different.

  But then Kat meets us at our car before heading over to hers, hugs Amelia like she means it—and like she doesn’t care about getting snot and makeup smeared on her dress—and tells her it will be okay. Then Amelia says maybe it’ll be alright if Kat hangs out with us after all.

  Go figure.


  Half an hour later, all three of us are sitting on Amelia’s bed, after changing out of our Prom clothes.

  “But I don’t understand,” Amelia says. “Why would he have been thinking about whether or not he loved me if he didn’t actually love me?”

  Kat chews her lip, thinking that over. She’s got on my old pajamas—the Christmas ones that say Do not open until X-mas!—since she wasn’t exactly planning on changing clothes until she got back to her dorm and didn’t bring anything. “Boys are dumb.”

  “Really, Kat?” I ask her. “That’s the best you can do? Boys are dumb?”

  “Well, they are.” She thinks again for a second. “Maybe he does love you but is too afraid to admit it.”

  Amelia perks up a little. “Do you think?”

  I shake my head. “Nope.”

  “Damien.” Kat gives me a look. “You don’t know.”

  I kind of do, though. Not that I can tell her that in front of Amelia. “I just mean that, uh, Zach’s pretty honest.”

  “He is.” Amelia sniffs, her eyes tearing up again. “He always tells me what he really thinks.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “He does. And he’s really cute, and sweet, and funny. So, basically the exact opposite of you.”

  “You know, if I leave, I’m taking Kat with me.”

  “I’m just saying that he was the perfect boyfriend, and now it’s over. Because when one person says they love the other person—on Prom night—and the other person specifically says that they don’t love that person back, then…” She pulls her knees up and buries her face, her shoulders shaking as she cries.

  “Amelia…”

  “I don’t understand what went wrong. I thought we were happy. I thought everything was going great. But I guess it was going greater for me than it was for him. Now everything we ever did together feels like a lie.”

  “You couldn’t have known how he’d react,” Kat says. “Or what he was thinking.”

  “But I was his girlfriend. I was supposed to know stuff like that.”

  “For what it’s worth? You guys looked really happy together tonight. Both of you,” she adds. “I never would have guessed that he’d say something like that.”

  “I should have listened to you,” Amelia wails. She’s looking at me when she says it.

  “What? When?” She can’t mean that conversation in the car, when I kind of sort of told her to have sex with him.

  “Before. Back before me and Zach even started going out. You said I shouldn’t date him because he was your friend. And if I’d just listened to you—”

  “Come on, Amelia. I was joking.”

  “No, you weren’t.”

  Well, I sort of was. I only told her that so she would go out with him. “You and Zach were good together.”

  “But if I’d listened to you, then I never would have gone out with him, and then I wouldn’t have to feel like this. Like the whole world is ending, and I don’t even know what I did wrong.”

  “You didn’t do anything.”

  “But I wasn’t good enough. Because if I was, he would have loved me back.”

  “It doesn’t work like that.”

  Amelia nods, though she’s still crying, and I’m not sure she believes me. “I’m going to go to the bathroom real quick, and then we can start the movie.” She gets up, sniffling, and looks at me and Kat. “Don’t do anything on my bed.”

  “Wow,” I tell her. “We’re not animals.” And how long does she really expect to be in the bathroom?

  She narrows her eyes at me, letting me know she doesn’t trust me, then leaves.

  “This is really bad,” Kat whispers, even though we’re alone now and no one can hear us.

  “I know.”

  “I thought… Okay, I didn’t think they were going to get married or anything, but I thought things were going alright.”

  “They were.” Until I got involved. “Kat, I have to tell you something. I…” I scratch my ear, staring down at Amelia’s pink bedspread. “I might have, um, accidentally broken them up.”

  “You what?”

  “What happened tonight was my fault. Amelia never would have told Zach she loved him if I hadn’t accidentally encouraged her. I mean, to be fair, I thought she was talking about having sex with him. Which I’m not saying I approved of, either, but I was trying to stay out of it.”

  “Okay, but once she had the idea in her head, do you really think you could have talked her out of it?”

  “No, not really.” Even if I had realized what our conversation was actually about and told Amelia that confessing her love for Zach was insane, she probably would have gone through with it just to prove me wrong.

  “So, it wasn’t your fault.”

  “Yeah, sure, if that was all I did.”

  “You did something else?” She shifts her weight on the bed, moving so she can get a better look at my face. “Like what?”

  “I sort of had a talk with Zach. I was just trying to apologize for being pissed that he had condoms in his room, that he planned to use with my sister. So, like, I was trying to do a good thing.”

  “But?”

  “I kind of accused him of not loving her.”

  “Damien.” Kat looks horrified. She glances over at the door, to double check that Amelia isn’t coming in.

  “I know! And, I mean, it wasn’t really an accusation. But I brought it up. I actually asked him if he loved her. I made him think about it. And if he hadn’t been thinking about it so much, then maybe when she sprung it on him at the dance, he wouldn’t have broken her heart or whatever.”

  “Yeah, but if he really doesn’t love her…”

  “I know, but he might have thought that he did, in the moment. I mean, as much as Amelia thinks she loves him, which I don’t even know if she really does. Maybe she just likes the idea of it. Because, like, she had no idea he was thinking about sleeping with her, and he had no idea she had all these crazy rules about waiting until she’s seventeen and having to have gone out for a year first and stuff.”

  “She could really love him,” Kat says, glancing at the door again.

  “Maybe. And if she really loves him and he doesn’t love her back, then I guess it’s better that they know that.” I spread my hands out on the bed. “But I’m not convinced that they wouldn’t have both been blissfully clueless together if I hadn’t opened my big mouth about it.”

  “Damien?”

  “Yeah?”

  “You really screwed up.”

  “Gee, thanks, Kat.”

  “You have to fix this.”

  “Sure, let me just get into my time machine and stop myself from opening Zach’s dresser drawer.”

  “You know what I mean. And I don’t blame you for freaking out about the condoms thing.”

  “But it screwed things up. Between me and Zach. And if that hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t have needed to apologize—I mean, I chose to apologize, out of the goodness of my heart, not because I owed it to him or anything—and then I wouldn’t have told him how much it mattered to me that I was in love with you before we started sleeping together.”

  She grins. “You said that?”

  “Yeah, well, I was being honest. But I still should have stayed out of it.”

  Kat opens her mouth to say something else, but then we hear the floorboards in the hallway creaking, and she stays quiet as Amelia comes in.

  “What?” Amelia says, squinting at us. Her face is still red, but she seems to have gotten rid of all her snot. At least for now. “Were you guys—”

  “We didn’t do anything on your bed. Geez.” I scowl at her.

  “No, I was going to ask if you guys were talking about me. Because obviously you were.” She flares her nostrils, then stomps over to the bed and sits down, making a big deal out of smoothing out the covers first. “What did he say about me?” she asks Kat.

  “Leave her out of it—Kat would never betray me like that. And what I was saying was that
if Zach’s too stupid to love you back, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Really?” Amelia blinks at me.

  “I’m paraphrasing. But it was something like that.”

  Amelia tries to catch Kat’s eye, but Kat conveniently sees something interesting on the wall and can’t be bothered. “Do you think Mom and Dad would let me take the rest of the semester off from school?”

  I laugh. “No. And Zach doesn’t even go to your school.”

  “No, but all my friends who were at the dance do. Plus, a broken heart takes a long time to fix.”

  “How would you know?” Kat asks.

  “TV. And movies. And Tiffany’s sister whose boyfriend cheated on her when he went to college. It took her, like, a year to start dating again.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “And I know you’re a screwup,” she says to me—well, obviously to me—“but if they’re letting you completely drop out, then I don’t see why I can’t take a couple months off. Maybe I’ll feel better enough to go back by summer and I can make it up then.”

  Kat wrinkles her forehead, trying to make sense of that. “What did you say?”

  “I know it’ll probably take longer than that to get over him,” Amelia says, totally missing what Kat’s confused about, “but I don’t want to graduate late, so I’ll just have to power through somehow.”

  “No, what did you say about Damien dropping out of school?”

  “Huh? Oh. Well, he’s—”

  “I’m not.” I laugh, but it comes out sounding way nervous and kind of crazy. “I didn’t tell you about it because it’s not happening. I mean, I’m only thinking about it.”

  Amelia snorts. “Yeah, right. He’s at least going to have to repeat first year, because of the flying test. Then he’ll either be a dropout, or I’ll be in a higher grade than him.” She’s smiling a little at that, then catches herself. “Um, not that that’s a good thing.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m sure as hell not repeating first year.”

  “So you’re dropping out?” Kat gapes at me.

  “It’s not his fault,” Amelia says, helpfully for once. “He has to pass a flying test.”

  Kat swallows. “You can fly. Damien, you can fly. You know that, right?”

  I don’t look at her. “Not like this. There are hoops on the ceiling.”