MA04 Hit or Myth

by Robert Asprin

  “I know the reason why,” I said carefully.

  Aahz rolled his eyes.

  “Look, kid. This is my field of expertise, remember? If you go into a bargaining session aiming low, they’ll walk all over you.

  You’ve got to ...”

  “I’ve already negotiated for a thousand!”

  This time, Aahz’s ‘freeze’ was longer ... and he didn’t look at me.

  “A thousand?” he said finally. “In gold?”

  “Plus a hefty bonus from the King himself,” Tananda supplied helpfully.

  “We’ve been trying to tell you, Aahz old boy,” Chumly smiled.

  “Skeeve here has been doing just fine without you.”

  “I see.”

  Aahz turned away and stared silently out the window.

  I’ll admit to being a bit disappointed. I mean maybe I hadn’t done a first-rate job, but a little bit of congratulations would have been nice. The way my mentor was acting, you’d think he...

  Then it hit me. Like a runaway war-chariot it hit me. Aahz was jealous! More than that, he was hurt!

  I could see it now with crystal clarity. Up until now I had been blinded by Aahz’s arrogant self-confidence, but suddenly the veil was parted.

  Aahz’s escape from Perv wasn’t nearly as easy as he was letting on. There had been a brawl—physical, verbal, or magical—some hard feelings, and some heavy promises made or broken. He had forced his way back to Klah with one thing on his mind: his apprentice ... his favorite apprentice, was in trouble. Upon returning, what was his reception? Not only was I not in trouble, for all appearances, I was doing better without him!

  Tananda and Chumly were still at it, merrily chattering back and forth about how great I was. While I appreciated their support, I wished desperately I could think of a way of getting it through to them that what they were really doing was twisting a knife in Aahz.

  “Um ... Aahz?” I interrupted. “When you’ve got a minute, there are a few things I need your advice on.”

  “Like what?” came the muffled response. “From the sound of things, you don’t need anybody, much less a teacher with no powers of his own.”

  Tananda caught it immediately. Her gadfly manner dropped away like a mask and she signaled desperately to Chumly. The troll was not insensitive, though. His reaction was to catch my eye with a pleading gaze.

  It was up to me. Terrific.

  “Well, like ... um.”

  And Massha exploded into the room.

  “Everything’s ready downstairs, hot stuff, and ... oh! Hi there, green and scaly. Thought you were gone for good.” Aahz spun around, his eyes wide.

  “Massha?” he stammered. “What are you doing here?”

  “Didn’t the man of the hour here tell you?” she smiled, batting her expansive eyelashes. “I’m his new apprentice.”

  “Apprentice?” Aahz echoed, his old fire creeping into his voice.

  “Um ... that’s one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, Aahz,” I smiled, meekly.

  “Apprentice?” he repeated, as if he hadn’t heard. “Kid, you and I have got to talk ... NOW!”

  “Okay, Aahz. As soon as I ...”

  “Now!”

  Yep. Aahz was back.

  “Um, if you’ll excuse us, folks, Aahz and I have to ...”

  For the second time, there was a BAMPH in the room.

  This one was louder, which was understandable, as there were more beings involved. Specifically, there were now four

  Deveels standing in the room ... and they didn’t look happy. “We seek the Great Skeeve,” one of them boomed.

  My heart sank. Could my involvement with the Mob have been discovered so fast?

  “Who’s asking?”

  Aahz casually placed his bulk between me and the intruders. Tananda and Chumly were also on their feet, and Massha was edging sideways to get a clear field of fire, Terrific, All I needed to complete my day was to have my friends soak up the trouble I had started.

  “We are here representing the merchants of the Bazaar on Deva, seeking an audience with the Great Skeeve.”

  “About what?” my mentor challenged.

  The Deveel fixed him with an icy glare.

  “We seek the Great Skeeve, not idle chit-chat with a Pervert.”

  “Well, this particular Pervect happens to be the Great Skeeve’s business manager, and he doesn’t waste his time with Deveels unless I clear them.”

  I almost said something, but changed my mind. Concerned or not, this was not the time to take a conversation away from Aahz. The Deveel hesitated, and then shrugged.

  “There is a new difficulty at the Bazaar,” he said. “A group of organized criminals has gained access to our dimension threatening to disrupt the normal flow of business unless they are paid a percentage of our profits.”

  Tananda and Chumly exchanged glances, while Massha raised an eyebrow at me. I studied the ceiling with extreme care. Aahz alone was unruffled.

  “Tough. So what does that have to do with the Great Skeeve?” he demanded.

  Anticipating the answer, I tried to decide whether I should fight or run.

  “Isn’t it obvious?” the Deveel frowned. “We wish to retain his services to combat this threat. From what we can tell, he’s the only magician around up to the job.”

  That one stopped me. Of all the strange turns events could have taken, this had to be the most unanticipated and ... well, bizarre!

  “I see,” Aahz murmured, a nasty gleam in his eye. “You realize, of course, that the Great Skeeve’s time is valuable and that such a massive undertaking would require equally massive remuneration?”

  Every alarm in my system went off.

  “Um ... Aahz?”

  “Shut up, k ... I mean, be patient, Master Skeeve, This matter should be settled in a moment.”

  I couldn’t watch.

  Instead, I went to the window and stared out. Listening over my shoulder, I heard Aahz name an astronomical figure, and realized there might be a way out of this yet. If Aahz was greedy enough, and the Deveels stingy enough...

  “Done!” said the spokesman.

  “Of course, that’s only an advance,” Aahz pressed. “A full rendering will have to wait until the job is completed.”

  “Done,” came the reply.

  “And that is the fee only. Expenses will be reimbursed separately.”

  “Done! The advance will be awaiting your arrival. Anything else?”

  In tribute to the Deveel’s generosity, Aahz was unable to think of any other considerations to gouge out of them.

  There was another BAMPH, and the delegation was gone. “How about that!” Aahz crowed. “I finally put one over on the Deveels!”

  “What’s that thing you always say about anyone who thinks they’ve gotten a good deal from a Deveel, Aahz?” Tananda asked sweetly.

  “Later,” my mentor ordered. “Right now we’ve got to get our things together and pop over to the Bazaar to scout the opposition.”

  “We already know what the opposition is.”

  “How’s that, kid?’

  I turned to face him.

  “The opposition is the Mob. You remember the organized crime group that was sponsoring Big Julie’s army?”

  A frown crossed Aahz’s face as he regarded me closely. “And how did you come by that little tidbit of information, if I may ask?”

  I regarded him right back.

  “That’s the other little thing I wanted your advice on.”

  “NOW LET ME see if I’ve got this right,” Aahz scowled, pacing back and forth in front of our worried gazes. “What we’ve got to do is keep the Mob from taking over the Bazaar, without letting them know we’re opposing them or the Deveels know we were the ones who loosed the Mob on the Bazaar in the first
place. Right?”

  “You can do it, Aahz,” I urged eagerly.

  This time, it required no false enthusiasm on my part. While I had done an adequate job operating on my own, when it came to premeditated deviousness, I was quick to acknowledge my master. There might be someone out there in the multitude of dimensions better than Aahz at finding under-handed ways out of dilemmas, but I haven’t met them yet.

  “Of course I can do it,” my mentor responded with a confident wink. “I just want everyone to admit it isn’t going to be easy. All this talk about the Great Skeeve has made me a little insecure.”

  “A little?” Tananda smirked.

  “I think it’s a bit of all right,” Chumly said, nudging his sister with an elbow. “I’ve always heard how formidable Aahz is when he swings into action. I, for one, am dying to see him handle this rather sticky situation all by himself.”

  Aahz’s shoulders sagged slightly as he heaved a small sigh. “Whoa! Stop! Perhaps in my enthusiasm I overspoke. What I meant to say is that my slimy but agile mind can provide a plan to pull off this assignment. Of course, the execution of said plan will rely upon abilities and goodwill of my worthy colleagues. Is that better, Chumly?”

  “Quite,” the troll nodded.

  “Now that that’s settled,” Gus interrupted impatiently, “can we get on with it? This is my place of business, you know, and the longer I keep the place closed, the more money I lose.”

  For those of you who missed the earlier references, Gus is a gargoyle. He is also the owner/proprietor of the Yellow Crescent Inn, the Bazaar’s leading fast-food establishment and our current field headquarters. Like Chumly and Tananda, he’s helped me out of a couple scrapes in the past and, as soon as he heard about our current crisis, volunteered again. Like anyone who earns their living at the Bazaar, however, he habitually keeps one eye on the cash register. Even though he had closed his doors to give us a base of operations for the upcoming campaign, there was still a reflexive bristling over missed profits.

  An idea struck me.

  “Relax, Gus,” I ordered. “Come up with a daily figure for your normal trade, bump it for a decent profit, and we’ll reimburse you when this thing’s over.”

  “What!” my mentor screeched, losing momentary control. “Are you out of your mind, kid? Who do you think is paying for this, anyway?”

  “The merchants of Deva,” I answered calmly. “We’re on an expense account, remember? I think renting a place while we’re on assignment isn’t an unreasonable expense, do you?”

  “Oh. Right. Sorry, Gus. Old reflexes.”

  Aahz’s confusion was momentary. Then his eyes narrowed thoughtfully.

  “In fact, if we put all of you on retainer, your help will fall under the heading of ‘consultant fees’ and never come near our own profits. I like it.”

  “Before you get too carried away,” Tananda put in quickly, “I think big brother and I would rather work for a piece of the action than on a flat fee.”

  “But, honey,” Massha blinked, “you haven’t even heard his plan yet. What makes you think a percentage will net you more than a fee? ... just between us girls?”

  “Just between us girls,” Tananda winked, “you’ve never worked with Aahz before. I have, and while he may not be the pleasantest being to team with, I have unshakeable faith in his profit margins.”

  “Now that we’re on the subject,” Aahz said, staring hard at Massha, “we never have worked together before, so let’s get the rules straight early on. I’ve got my own style, see, and it usually doesn’t allow much time for ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and explanations. As long as you do what you’re told, when you’re told, we’ll get along fine. Right?”

  “Wrong!”

  My reply popped out before Massha could form her own response. I was vaguely aware that the room had gotten very quiet, but most of my attention was on Aahz as he slowly cranked his head around to lock gazes with me.

  “Now look, kid ...”he began dangerously.

  “No you look, Aahz,” I exploded. “I may be your apprentice, but Massha is mine. Now if she wants to dump that agreement and sign on with you, fine and dandy. But until she does, she’s my student and my responsibility. If you think she can help, then you suggest it to me and I decide whether she’s up to it. There’s one lesson you’ve drummed into my head over and over, mentor mine, whether you meant to or not. Nobody leans on your apprentice but you ... nobody! If you didn’t want to teach that lesson, then maybe you’d better be more careful with the example you set the next time you take on an apprentice.”

  “I see,” Aahz murmured softly. “Getting pretty big for your britches, aren’t you, kid?”

  “Not really. I’m very much aware of how little I know, thank you. But this is my assignment, or at least it was accepted in my name, and I mean to give it my best shot ... however inadequate that might be. Now for that assignment, I need your help Aahz ... heck, I’ll always probably need your help. You’re my teacher and I’ve got a lot to learn. But, I’m not going to roll over and die without it. If getting your help means turning my assignment and my apprentice over to you, then forget it. I’ll just have to try to handle things without you.”

  “You’ll get your brains beat out.”

  “Maybe. I didn’t say I’d win, just that I’d try my best. You bring out my best, Aahz. You push me into things that scare me, but so far I’ve muddled through somehow. I need your help, but I don’t have to have it. Even if you don’t want to admit it to me, I think you should admit it to yourself.”

  With that, we both lapsed into silence.

  Me, I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Up until now, I had been carried along by my anger and Aahz’s responses. All of a sudden, my mentor wasn’t responding. Instead, he stared at me with expressionless yellow eyes, not saying a thing.

  It was more than a little unnerving. If there is one characteristic of Aahz’s I could always count on, it was that he was expressive. Whether with facial expression, gestures, grunts, or verbal explosions, my mentor usually let everyone in the near vicinity know what he felt or thought about any event or opinion expressed. Right now, though, I didn’t know if he was about to explode or just walk away.

  I began having regrets over instigating this confrontation. Then I toughened up. What I had said was right and needed to be said. It flashed across my mind that I could lose Aahz over this argument. My resolve wavered. Right or not, I could have said it better ... gentler. At least I could have picked a time when all our friends weren’t watching and listening. Maybe...

  Aahz turned away abruptly, shifting his stance to face Tananda and Chumly.

  “Now I’m ready to believe you two,” he announced. “The kid here really did handle that mess on Klah all by himself, didn’t he?”

  “That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you, old boy,” the troll winked. “Your apprentice is growing up, and seems to us more than capable of standing on his own two feet lately.”

  “Yeah, I noticed.”

  He looked at me again, and this time his eyes were expressive. I didn’t recognize the expression, but at least there was one.

  “Kid ... Skeeve,” he said. “If I’ve ever wondered why I bothered taking you under my wing, you just gave me the answer. Thanks.”

  “Um ... Thanks. I mean, you’re welcome. No. I mean ...”

  As always, I was very glib in the face of the unexpected. I had gotten used to weathering Aahz’s tirades, but this I didn’t know how to handle. Fortunately my pet came to my rescue.

  “Gleep?” he queried, shaking his head in through the door.

  “But if you take anything I’ve showed you, I mean spell one, and teach it to that dragon,” my mentor roared, “you and I are going to go a couple rounds. Do we understand each other, apprentice?”

  “Yes, Aahz.”

  Actually, I didn’
t. Still, this didn’t seem like the time to call for a clarification.

  “Butt out, Gleep,” I ordered. “Go play with Buttercup or something.”

  “Gleep!” and my dragon’s head was gone as fast as it had appeared.

  “Say, hot stuff,” Massha drawled. “As much as I appreciate your standing up for me, I’m kinda curious to hear what Big Green has for a plan.”

  “Right!” I nodded, glad to be off the hot seat. “Sorry, Aahz, I didn’t mean to interrupt. What’s the plan?”

  “Well first,” Aahz said, taking his accustomed place as center of attention once more, “I’ve got a question for Gus. What’s the Mob been doing so far to move in?”

  “Judging from what I heard,” the gargoyle responded, “a bunch of them move in on a merchant and offer to sell him some ‘insurance.’ You know, ‘pay us so much of your revenue and nothing happens to your business.’ If anyone’s slow to sign up, they arrange a small demonstration of what could go wrong: some ‘accidental’ breaking of stock or a couple plug-uglies standing outside hassling customers. So far it’s been effective. Deveels don’t like to lose business.”

  “Good,” my mentor grinned, showing every last one of his numerous pointed teeth. “Then we can beat them.”

  “How?”

  If nothing else, I’ve gotten quite good at feeding Aahz straight lines.

  “Easy. Just ask yourselves this: If you were a Deveel and paid the Mob to protect your business, and things started going wrong anyway, what would you do?”

  “I can answer that one,” Massha said. “I’d either demand better protection, scream for my money back, or both.”

  “I don’t get it,” I frowned. “What’s going to happen to a Mob-protected business?”

  “We are,” Aahz grinned.

  “What our strategist is trying to say,” Chumly supplied, “is that the best defense is a good offense. Not terribly original, but effective nonetheless.”

  “You’re darn right it’s effective,” my mentor exclaimed. “Instead of us defending against the Mob, we’re going to start a crime wave right here at the Bazaar. Then let’s see how good the Mob is at defending against us!”