MA04 Hit or Myth

by Robert Asprin

  “You aren’t giving up?” I said, fearfully.

  “I can’t. Oh, if you only knew what I go through on the Council. I made such a thing out of this Deva project and how much it could do for the Mob. If we pulled out now, it would be the same as saying I don’t know a good thing when I see it. No sir.

  Call it family politics or stubborn pride; we’re going to stay right here.”

  My heart sank.

  “But if the operation is losing money ...”I began, but he cut me off with a gesture.

  “So far ... but not for long. You see, I’ve figured out for myself what’s going wrong here.”

  “You have? How? I mean, this is your first visit here since the project started.”

  I was starting to sweat a bit. Don Bruce was regarding me with an oily reptilian smile I didn’t like at all.

  “I saw it in the reports,” he declared. “Clear as the nose on your face. That’s why I know Shai-ster’s an idiot. The problem was right there in front of him and he couldn’t see it. That problem is you.”

  My sweat turned cold. At the edge of my vision I saw Tananda run her fingers through her hair, palming one of her poison darts in the process, and Massha was starting to play with her rings. Chumly and Gus exchanged glances, and then shifted in their chairs slightly. Of our entire team, only Aahz seemed unconcerned.

  “You’ll have to be a little clearer for the benefit of us slow folks,” he drawled. “Just how do you figure that Skeeve here is a problem?”

  “Look at the facts,” Don Bruce said, holding up his fingers to tick off the count.

  “He’s been here the whole time my boys were having trouble; he knows the Bazaar better than my boys; he knows magic enough to do things my boys can’t handle; and now I find out he’s got a bunch of friends and contacts here.”

  “So?” my mentor said softly.

  “So? Isn’t it obvious? The problem with the operation is that he should have been working for us all along.”

  By now I had recovered enough to have my defense ready. “But just because I ... what?”

  “Sure. That’s why I’m here. Now I know you said before you didn’t want to work for the Mob full time. That’s why I’m ready to talk a new deal with you. I want you to run the Mob’s operation here at the Bazaar ... and I’m willing to pay top dollar.”

  “How much is that in gold?”

  Aahz was leaning forward now.

  “Wait a minute! Whoa! Stop!” I interrupted. “You can’t be serious. I don’t have the time or the know-how to make this a profitable project.”

  “It doesn’t have to be profitable,” Don argued. “Break-even would be nice, or even just lose money slower. Anything to get the council to look elsewhere for things to gripe about at our monthly Meetings. You could do it in your extra time.”

  I started to say something, but Aahz put a casual hand on my shoulder. I knew that warning. If I tried to interrupt or correct him, that grip would tighten until my bones creaked.

  “Now let me see if I’ve got this right,” he said, showing all his teeth. “You want my man here to run your operation, but you don’t care if it doesn’t show a profit?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Of course, with things as shaky as they are now, you’d have to guarantee his salary.”

  Don Bruce pursed his lips and looked at me.

  “How much does he cost?”

  “Lots,” Aahz confided. “But less than the total salary of the force you’ve got here now.”

  “Okay. He’s worth it.”

  “Aahz ...” I began, but the grip on my shoulder tightened.

  “... And you aren’t so much concerned with the Mob’s reputation here on Deva as you are with how the Council treats you, right?”

  “Well ... yea. I guess so.”

  “... So he’d have free rein to run the operation the way he saw fit. No staff forced on him or policies to follow?”

  “No. I’d have to at least assign him a couple bodyguards. Anybody running a Mob operation has got to have a couple of the Family’s boys to be sure nothing happens to him.”

  Aahz scowled.

  “But he’s already got ...”

  “How about Guido and Nunzio?” I managed, through gritted teeth.

  Abruptly the grip on my shoulder vanished.

  “Those losers?” Don Bruce frowned. “I was going to have a severe talk with them after this disaster, but if you want ‘em, they’re yours.”

  “But since you’re the one insisting on them, they don’t show up on our overhead. Right?” Aahz said firmly.

  I leaned back, working my shoulder covertly, and tried to ignore the horrified stares my friends were exchanging. I didn’t know for sure what Aahz was up to, but knew better than to get in his way when he smelled money.

  I could only cross my fingers and hope that he knew what he was doing ... for a change.

  THE REPRESENTATIVES of the Bazaar Merchants didn’t look happy, but then Deveels never do when they’re parting with money.

  “Thank you gentlemen,” Aahz beamed, rubbing his hands together gleefully over the substantial pile of gold on the table.

  “You’re sure the Mob is gone?” the head spokesman asked, looking plaintively at the gold.

  “Positive. We’ve broken their reign of terror and sent them packing.”

  The Deveel nodded.

  “Good. Now that that’s settled, we’ll be going.”

  “... Of course,” Aahz yawned, “there’s no guarantee they won’t be back tomorrow.”

  That stopped the delegation in their tracks.

  “What? But you said ...”

  “Face it, gentlemen. Right now, the only thing between the Mob and the Bazaar is the Great Skeeve here, and once he leaves ...”

  The Deveels exchanged glances.

  “I don’t suppose you’d consider staying,” one said hopefully. I favored him with a patronizing smile.

  “I’d love to, but you know how it is. Expenses are high, and I’ve got to keep moving to eke out a living.”

  “But with your reputation, clients will be looking for you. What you really need is a permanent location so you can be found.”

  “True enough,” Aahz smiled. “But to be blunt, why should we give you for free what other dimensions are willing to pay for? I should think that if anybody could understand that, you Deveels would.”

  “Now we’re getting to the heart of the matter,” the lead spokesman sighed, pulling up a chair. “Okay. How much?”

  “How much?” Aahz echoed.

  “Don’t give me that;’ the Deveel snapped. “Innocence looks ridiculous on a Pervert. Just tell us what kind of retainer would be necessary to keep the Great Skeeve around as the Bazaar’s magician in residence.”

  Aahz winked at me.

  “I’m sure you’ll find his fee reasonable,” he said. “Well, reasonable when you stop to think what you’re getting for your money. Of course, the figure I’m thinking of is just for making the Bazaar his base of operations. If any specific trouble arises, we’ll have to negotiate that separately.”

  “Of course,” the Deveel winced.

  I settled back to wait patiently. This was going to take a while, but I was confident of the eventual outcome. I also knew that whatever fee Aahz was thinking of originally just got doubled when the Deveel made that ‘Pervert’ crack. As a Pervect, Aahz is very sensitive about how he’s addressed ... and this time I wasn’t about to argue with him.

  “I love it!” Aahz crowed, modestly. “Not only are we getting a steady income from both the Mob and the Deveels, we don’t have to do a thing to earn it! This is even better than the setup we had at Possiltum.”

  “It’s a sweet deal, Aahz.”

  “And how about this layout? It’s a far cry from that shack you and Gar
kin were calling home when we first met.”

  Aahz and I were examining our new home, provided as an extra clause in our deal with the Bazaar merchants. It was huge, rivaling the size of the Royal Palace at Possiltum. The interesting thing was that from the outside it looked no bigger than an average Bazaar stall.

  “Of course, holding out for a lifetime discount on anything at the Bazaar was a stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.”

  “Yeah, Aahz. Genius.”

  My mentor broke off his chortling and self-congratulations to regard me quizzically.

  “Is something bothering you, Skeeve? You seem a little subdued.”

  “It’s nothing, really.”

  “Come on. Out with it,” he insisted. “You should be on top of the world right now, not moping around like you just heard that your dragon has a terminal illness or something.”

  “Well, it’s a couple of things,” I admitted grudgingly. “First, I’ve got a bad feeling about those deals you just put together.”

  “Now wait a minute,” my mentor scowled. “We talked all this out before we went after the merchants and you said that double-dealing wouldn’t bother you.”

  “It doesn’t. If anything, I’m glad to see both the Mob and the Deveels getting a little of their own back for a change.”

  “Then what’s wrong? I got you everything I could think of!”

  “That’s what’s wrong?”

  My mentor shook his head sharply as if to clear his vision. “I’ve got to admit, this time you lost me. Could you run that one past again, slow?”

  “Come on, Aahz. You know what I’m talking about. You’ve gotten me more money than I could spend in a lifetime, a beautiful house ... not just anywhere, mind you, but at the Bazaar itself ... steady work anytime I want it … in short, everything I need to not only survive, but prosper. Everything.”

  “So?”

  “So are you setting me up so you can leave? Is that what this is all about?”

  I had secretly hoped that Aahz would laugh in my face and tell me I was being silly. Instead, he averted his eyes and lapsed into silence.

  “I’ve been thinking about it,” he said finally. “You’re doing pretty well lately and, like you say, this latest deal will insure you won’t starve. The truth of the matter is that you really don’t need me anymore.”

  “But Aahz!”

  “Don’t ‘but Aahz’ me! All I’m doing is repeating what you shoved down my throat at the beginning of this caper. You don’t need me. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and you’re right. I thought you always wanted to hear me say that.”

  “Maybe I don’t like being right,” I said plaintively. “Maybe I wish I did need you more and things could go on forever like they have in the past.”

  “That’s most of growing up, kid,” Aahz sighed. “Facing up to reality whether we like it or not. You’ve been doing it, and I figure it’s about time I did the same. That’s why I’m going to stick around.”

  “But you don’t have to ... what?”

  My mentor’s face split in one of his expansive grins.

  “In this case, the reality that I’m facing is that whether you need me or not, I’ve had more fun since I took you on as an apprentice than I’ve had in centuries. I’m not sure exactly what’s going to happen to you next, but I wouldn’t miss it for all the gold on Deva.”

  “That’s great!”

  “Of course, there’s still a lot I can teach you, just like there’s a lot I have to learn from you.”

  “From me?” I blinked.

  “Uh huh. I’ve been learning from you for some time now, kid. I was just never up to admitting it before. You’ve got a way of dealing with people that gets you respect, even from the ones who don’t like you. I haven’t always been able to get that. Lots of folks are afraid of me, but not that many respect me. That’s why I’ve been studying your methods, and have every intention of continuing.”

  “That’s ... umm ... interesting, Aahz. But how come you’re telling me this now?”

  “Because if I stay around, it’ll be on one condition: that you wake up and accept the fact that you’re a full partner in our relationship. No more of this ‘apprentice’ crud. It’s getting too rough on my nerves.”

  “Gee, Aahz ... I ...”

  “Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  We shook hands solemnly, and I remembered he had refused this simple act when he first accepted me as an apprentice. A full partner. Wow!

  “Now what’s the other thing?”

  “Hmm, excuse me?”

  “If I recall correctly, you said there were a couple things bothering you. What’s the other?”

  “Well ... it’s this house.”

  “What about the house?” Aahz exploded, slipping easily back into his old patterns. “It’s got enough room for us and our friends and your bodyguards when they show up and Buttercup and Gleep and anyone else who wanders by.”

  “That’s true.”

  “What’s more, we got it for free. It’s a good deal.”

  “Say that again, Aahz.”

  “I said, ‘it’s a good ... Oh.”

  “From the Deveels, right?”

  “Oh come on, Skeeve, It’s just a house. What could be wrong?”

  “To use your phrase, ‘the mind boggles.’ I’ve been trying to spot the catch, and I want you to check me to see if my facts and logic are correct.”

  “Okay.”

  “Now. Deveels are experts at dimension travel. If I understand it right, they manage these ‘bigger inside than outside’ houses by offsetting the dimensions just a bit. That is, if we numbered the dimensions, and Deva was one, then our door is in dimension one and the rest of our house is in dimension one point four or something.”

  “Now that’s one I hadn’t thought about before,” Aahz admitted. “The Deveels have been pretty tight-lipped about it. Makes sense, though. It would be rough to play the poverty-stricken shop-owner with a place like this just over your shoulder. If I had thought about it I would have realized a Deveel needs someplace secret to keep his wealth.”

  “So we’ve effectively been given our own dimension,” I continued; “An unlisted dimension that’s all ours. For free, no less.”

  “That’s right,” Aahz nodded, but there was a note of doubt in his voice now.

  “What I wonder about is how many of these offset dimensions do the Deveels have access to, and why is this particular one standing vacant? What’s in this dimension?”

  “Our house?” my mentor suggested tentatively.

  “And what else?” I urged. “I’ve noticed there are no windows. What’s outside our back door that the Deveels were so eager to give away?”

  “Back door?”

  I pulled away the tapestry to reveal the door I had spotted during our first tour. It was heavy wood with strange symbols painted on it. It also had a massive beam guarding it, and several smaller but no less effective-looking locks around the edge.

  “I tried to say something at the time, but you kept telling me to shut up.”

  “I did, didn’t I?”

  We both stared at the door in silence for several minutes. “Tell you what,” Aahz said softly. “Let’s save investigating this for another day.”

  “Right,” I agreed, without hesitation.

  “And until we do, let’s not mention this to the others.”

  “My thoughts precisely.”

  “And, partner?”

  “Yes, Aahz?”

  “If anyone knocks at this door, don’t answer unless I’m with you.”

  Our eyes met, and I let the tapestry fall back into place.

  portrait by Phil Foglio

  Robert (Lynn) Asprin was the legendary creator of the long-running Myth series in which fantasy adventure meets co
medy in a delightful pandemonium of magic and adventure. Asprin’s Phule’s Company saga, with its similarly irreverent look at military science fiction, was a New York Times bestseller. And with Lynn Abbey, he created the landmark, hugely-popular and long-running Thieves’ World fantasy series. A fan favorite at SF conventions and an active participant in Society for Creative Anachronism mayhem, Asprin passed away in 2008

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