It's Always Been You

by Jessica Scott

  “No you’re not,” she said.

  “Olivia.” His voice was thick. Tension radiated off him.

  “Don’t. Don’t stand there and tell me you’re sorry when you’re not. You never believed he could do something like this.” She took a single step backward. “You win. Your boy walks free and you get to sleep at night.” She bit her lips together, needing the pain to keep the frustrated tears at bay. “Congratulations.”

  He took a single step toward her.

  “Don’t,” she hissed.

  But he didn’t heed her warning. He took another step toward her until she was backed against her desk. The broken scale clanked loudly.

  He rested his hands on her shoulders.

  “I’m sorry, Olivia.”

  She covered her face with her hands and surrendered. She was so goddamned tired of fighting. She rested her forehead against his chest and let the emotions come. A gasp that was a mixture of sob and sorrow tore from her throat.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said. His voice rumbled beneath her cheek. His arms tightened around her, his entire body stiff, radiating with anger. He rested his cheek on the top of her head and simply held her while she allowed the tears to leak out slowly. Because she still had to work the rest of the afternoon.

  * * *

  He’d never thought of her as vulnerable. Olivia had always been strong. Steadfast. He’d always admired her conviction, even if it terrified him and didn’t match up with what he wanted out of life.

  But feeling her trembling in his arms right then broke his fucking heart. He wanted to destroy something. Do something. Anything to keep her from hurting like this.

  He knew that image of Hailey had stayed on her mind. Even when she was trying to focus on something else, he’d catch her looking at Hailey’s picture in one of the files.

  She believed protecting Hailey—girls like Hailey—was her purpose in life.

  There wasn’t a damn thing he could do to fix things for her.

  He felt so fucking useless. He wanted to fix it. To make her laugh or do something to take her mind off the pain trembling through her body.

  Instead, he didn’t move. Didn’t release his hold on her. He simply held her and let her lean on him and whispered soothing nothings into her hair.

  It was an eternity before she moved, easing back gently from his arms. Her eyes were a little pink, the tip of her nose a little red. She sniffed and wiped her eyes.

  “Thanks for letting me fall apart.”

  He didn’t fight the urge to brush his fingers over her cheek and push a slip of hair out of her eyes. “That wasn’t falling apart,” he said gently.

  Her smile was sad. “It was for me.”

  “I’d hate to show you what falling apart looks like for me then. It’s not pretty.”

  Her smile spread a little. “Does it involve alcohol?”

  “Mass quantities. And usually someone ends up throwing up.”

  “By someone you mean you?”

  He stroked his thumb over her cheek. It smeared the wetness there. “Tell me why this is so personal,” he whispered.

  She looked away. “I can’t.”

  He swallowed a bitter lump in his throat. “You can get naked with me but you can’t tell me something so simple?”

  She closed her eyes, her expression pained. “It’s not that simple.”

  He leaned into her, capturing her face with both hands. He kissed her then because he needed to. Needed her to anchor him to the feelings of goodness and kindness that he felt leaving his soul with each decision he made.

  He kissed her and poured everything he couldn’t say, every comfort he wanted to give her, into that caress.

  She leaned into him with a sigh, her fingers curling against the back of his neck. Her tongue slid against his and what was meant as a comfort turned abruptly passionate and hungry.

  “It is that simple,” he said, and the sound of the bitterness in his own voice surprised even him. Her eyes widened briefly as he took a step back.

  “It’s not a simple thing to take someone to bed, Olivia. And it’s not a simple thing to spend the night with someone. And yet, we’ve done both those things.” He breathed deeply. “I’ll be in my office when you’re ready to tell me what the fuck is going on.”

  He walked away, unwilling, unable to stand there while she reconstructed the walls between them.

  He refused to be shut out when she was so clearly hurting.

  “Mom”?

  “Why are you still up, Benjamin?” Her voice was cold, no hint of the tears he knew he’d heard. Even years after his father’s death, he thought he heard her sometimes and it shocked him every single time.

  “Are you okay?” he asked from the doorway.

  “I’m fine. You have your SATs tomorrow. Go to sleep.”

  His mother had locked him out of her life after his dad died and his life had been cold and empty since. Until Olivia had come into his life, it had stayed that way.

  And now? Now she was closing off, too, pulling away.

  If Olivia was going to shut him out, he wasn’t going to stand there like a child, begging for her to open up to him.

  No, he’d done that once before. Never again.

  There was no victory in him for being right about Escoberra. It was tainted by the loss of something special with Olivia. Walking away was the hardest thing he’d ever done.

  But he didn’t look back.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Ben knocked on his battalion commander’s door. It was almost eighteen hundred and the headquarters was empty for the day.

  Hell, you wouldn’t know there was a war going on, as quickly as the staff left the building by close of business each day. He paused for a moment, letting his hypocrisy sink in once more. He used to be one of those staff officers who’d be out the door before the end of the duty day.

  Funny how things changed.

  “You wanted to see me, sir?”

  “Ben, come in. Close the door.”

  Ben did as he was directed. LTC Gilliad took his glasses off and tossed them on the desk before leaning forward, folding his hands together.

  “Are you ready to take command tomorrow?”

  Ben took a deep breath. “Whether I’m ready or not, I’m pretty sure we’re having a ceremony, right, sir?”

  Gilliad’s expression was flat.

  “Not funny, sir?” Ben asked.

  His battalion commander sighed. “I suppose I’ve got to get used to your sense of humor. Are you ready for tomorrow or not?”

  “Sir, we’ve submitted the paperwork about the missing property. I’ve signed the books. I’m as ready as I’m going to be.” Ben released a heavy breath. The weight of the guidon had settled around his shoulders the moment he’d been directed to take command.

  Tomorrow? Tomorrow was only a formality.

  But it was an important one. Ben would assume the call sign Bandit Six.

  The men of Bandit Company would officially be his. His to train. His to worry about.

  His to take to war and, please God, bring them all home safely. His to court-martial and reprimand and send out of the army when they screwed up too badly.

  No, he wasn’t ready for this. Not by a long shot.

  There was an aching hole in his chest from his encounter with Olivia earlier that day.

  He hated himself for walking away from her but he couldn’t deal with being shut out. She was too focused on Escoberra.

  She’d taken the case way too personally. He’d hoped she’d call. That she would let him in to what made her break in her office.

  But she hadn’t and Ben could not get past that simple fact.

  He wasn’t demanding they get married and take long walks on the beach but damn it, he had a right to know what the fuck was driving her so hard after a man she didn’t know.

  A man that Ben did know. A man that Ben trusted.

  There had to be some other explanation for Hailey’s injuries. There had to be.
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  The bitter irony of it blocked his throat. But he deserved a damn answer from Olivia.

  If she’d asked him about the scar on his body, he would have told her. But she’d never asked. Not about that. Not about the tattoos.

  But he’d asked her about hers and while she’d told him some, he suspected there was more to the story. There was something she wasn’t telling him and damn it, he had too much to do to worry about chasing down her secrets.

  Like train his men for war. He wasn’t naive enough to believe his men would come through unscathed. He could hope, but hope wasn’t an approved technique the last time he’d checked.

  He took a deep breath and released it because tomorrow would come just like every other day. And waited for his battalion commander to continue, counting the minutes before he could get out of his office and back to his own.

  Hopefully without seeing Olivia. Because he wasn’t really in the mood right then.

  “How are things with your new first sergeant?”

  Ben frowned. Now that was a random question. “Fine, sir. He’s a steadfast NCO. Why?”

  “There’ve been reports that he’s been a little sandpapery with some of the soldiers.”

  A flush of anger crawled up Ben’s neck. Sorren had put his ass on the line to keep soldiers out of jail last weekend and someone was bitching about him? “Sir, First Sergeant Sorren is one of the best NCOs I’ve ever worked with. He’s top tier. Whatever you’ve heard…”

  Gilliad held up his hand. “Relax, Ben. No one is in trouble. We’re just all a little edgy after everything that happened with the previous commanders.”

  “Roger, sir but going on a witch hunt when people are trying to clean house isn’t the way to go.” Ben’s words were defiant. Angry. Damn it, he hadn’t even wanted this job and they were going to hamstring him by taking away the only competent person around him? Not in Ben’s fucking lifetime.

  “There’s no witch hunt,” Gilliad said shortly, his tone carrying all the chastisement that Ben needed to get the damn point. Ben considered himself chastised.

  Ben opened his mouth to argue then snapped it shut.

  “That’s what I thought you’d say,” Gilliad said quietly. “Enjoy your last night of freedom.”

  Ben scoffed quietly. “Sir, I haven’t had any freedom since you put in me charge.”

  “And you won’t again until after you pass the guidon.”

  Ben walked out of his commander’s office, unsure of the point of that conversation. His commander seemed beaten down. Tired.

  Ben had dug in and battled the man every step of the way after that firefight years ago. It had gotten so bad that the battalion commander had pulled Ben out of Denis’ company. Ben had hated leaving his boys but he’d had no choice. Not in the middle of the war.

  He walked down the hallway, hoping he could make it back to his office without having to talk to anyone else. He was edgy and raw.

  The sound of jangling keys made him look up and snapped him out of his wandering thoughts.

  Olivia stood at the end of the hallway.

  He hated his reaction to her. Hated that his body instantly stood up and took notice of the way her eyes drank him in. The way his skin puckered remembering her hands on his skin.

  Her throat moved slowly. Her movements were wary. “Can I walk out with you?” she asked.

  He thought about being a dick and then thought better of it. She didn’t deserve that. “Sure.”

  Neither of them said anything until they were outside, away from the headquarters. The sun was still high in the late afternoon sky.

  “You’re right. This is personal to me,” she said softly.

  Ben held his tongue, barely. Somehow he didn’t think she would appreciate any sarcastic remarks. He felt like his sense of humor had gone AWOL weeks ago.

  “I figured that out all by myself, thanks.”

  “You’re not making this any easier,” she said quietly.

  “Funny. I didn’t think I was supposed to.” He let some of the anger and frustration slip into his voice. He hated that she’d put this barrier between them. Maybe that made him weak and vulnerable but he’d felt something real with her. Something alive and warm and needed.

  When she’d shut him out, that something went away. It was like a switch had been thrown inside him and everything was dark again.

  “You want to know why this is important to me? Because it matters. It fucking matters that people with power and privilege get to get away with doing bad things.” She stopped.

  Ben shook his head slowly. “Nice try. This isn’t about power and privilege. This is about one case. One NCO who matters a fucking ton to me.” He jammed a finger toward her. “Why is this case so personal to you? Why this one? Why now?”

  Olivia folded her arms over her chest and lifted her chin. He should have found her stubbornness sexy. But right then? It pissed him off.

  And then she started talking.

  * * *

  “I knew a little girl who looked like Hailey once. She used to come into the division headquarters with her father.” The memory rose up, bitter and sweet and sad. So goddamned sad.

  “She was such a smiley little thing. She used to sit in the corner and do her homework while her dad worked.”

  She didn’t look at Ben. She couldn’t. Because no matter how many times she relived it, these memories hurt.

  “I suppose I was too young to see what was happening to the little girl. She never made a sound when her dad was in the room. She looked up at him with these huge brown eyes.” She swallowed. “There were all these little warning signs that something wasn’t quite what it seemed. The little girl never acted up in the office. Never said a word. Never asked to go to the bathroom. Nothing.”

  She sucked in a deep breath and held it until her lungs screamed in protest. “One day she was squirming in her chair.” She could see Delia’s little body in vivid color against a black and grey memory. “I asked her if she wanted me to take her to the bathroom because her father was in a briefing.”

  “She came out because she couldn’t button her pants.” She closed her eyes, not wanting to see again. Not wanting to relive the memories. “Her belly was covered in old bruises and new ones.”

  “Jesus, Olivia.”

  She barely registered that he’d spoken. “I reported it. What else could I do?” Deep breaths. Deep, deep breaths. “And because he was such a good NCO, the chain of command didn’t believe the reports. His wife refused to leave him. Refused to press charges.”

  She bit her lips hard. She rubbed her hands down her arms. “But it was too late. The sergeant drank himself into a blackout rage the night after the new investigation started. He killed his wife. He killed himself. I think he would have killed the little girl if he’d found her but she was a smart little bugger. She hid.” She breathed out again. Forced her lungs to work because she remembered being that little girl. Remembered all too clearly the disbelief directed at her, the absolute feelings of being utterly alone against the force of her father’s addiction and abuse. “I still remember hiding in the closet from my dad.” She couldn’t look at him. “I remember the day I found my father. Dead from a drug overdose.” Finally, finally she met his gaze. “I remember that little girl. And I remember the chain of command that protected her father instead of protecting her.”

  “Olivia.”

  “Don’t.” She took a step back when he would have approached her. “You said I was keeping secrets and I was.” She swallowed. “Because some things are just too shitty to talk about. I never told you about that little girl because it hurts too damn much. I can’t separate her from the girl I was. I can’t separate Hailey from the girl I was. I try, I try so fucking hard but I can’t.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “You’re not supposed to say anything,” she said quietly. “But you wanted to know why this case mattered to me so much.” She blinked rapidly. “And now you know.”

  “O
livia.”

  “Don’t.” She held up a hand, afraid that if he touched her, she would shatter into a million broken little pieces that she would never, ever put back together again.

  “Olivia, please.”

  “Don’t, Ben.” She stood there, frozen. Unable to move. Unable to flee the crushing intensity storming inside her that threatened to tear her apart. “I can’t do this with you,” she whispered. “I thought I could but I can’t. It’s too personal.” Torn between needing the comfort she knew she’d find with him and needing her solitude to put everything back in the box so that she could face the next day and the day after that.

  She walked away, leaving him standing there. She didn’t look back.

  Because she was terrified of the pity she’d see looking back at her.

  * * *

  Ben wasn’t alone in the office. His first sergeant was still there. Both of them were hunched over their computers, fighting the ever-rising tide of unrelenting e-mail and things to do.

  There was a quiet knock on his door.

  He half hoped it would be Olivia.

  It had been hell watching her walk away but he’d had a feeling that if he’d touched her then, if he’d tried to follow her, she would have shattered.

  As much as it had sucked to let her go, she’d needed that.

  And Ben? Ben wasn’t sure what he could say that would make things better. He’d drawn a blank when he’d tried to think of something funny. The only thing he’d felt was his heart breaking in his chest at the pain he’d seen written on her face and heard embedded in her voice.

  He’d let her go. Until he could figure out what to say.

  Because he had no idea how to fix this.

  But he looked up and it wasn’t Olivia in his office door.

  It was Hailey Escoberra.

  Ben stood. “Hailey.” She’d grown up since the last time he’d seen her. Once he’d gone to her house with her dad but things… things had changed on that last deployment and he wasn’t close to her dad anymore.

  He should be.

  But things didn’t often turn out how they should.

  “Hey, Ben.”

  “Is your dad with you?”

  She nodded. “He’s talking to First Sarn’t.”