The Invitation_The perfect laugh-out-loud romantic comedy

by Keris Stainton

  Piper moved closer, hooking her foot around his ankle.

  ‘If I could go back in time,’ Rob said. ‘I’d tell him to tell you how much he fancied you. That he thought about you all the time. That some of his earliest wanking—’

  ‘Okay,’ Piper said, moving the rest of the way and shutting him up with a kiss.

  * * *

  ‘Did you really?’ she said, later, her head on his chest, his hand stroking the dip in her side down over her hip. He seemed to like that bit of her the best – she should ask him about it.

  ‘Did I really what?’ Rob asked.

  ‘Did you really wank thinking about me? Back then?’

  Rob laughed, his chest shaking under her head.

  ‘Of course. But don’t get too over-excited, I wanked over everything back then. I was like the Victorians with the table legs.’

  Piper laughed. ‘I can imagine.’

  ‘Unless you’ve had to hide an erection in a newsagent because you heard the words “Holly Willoughby” on the radio, you really can’t.’

  Piper laughed again. ‘It must be a nightmare.’

  ‘Oh it is,’ Rob said. ‘Or it was back then. I don’t mind it so much now.’

  Piper hooked her leg over his thighs. ‘Again?’

  Rob rolled her over. ‘Again.’

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Connie was out of hospital by Wednesday. Her speech was still a little slurred and her hand curled – she’d been told to exercise it with a tennis ball, which was turning out to be tricky since Buster kept nicking it – but she was otherwise almost back to her old self.

  She’d been telling Piper to go home pretty much on the hour, every hour.

  ‘I’ve got the week off,’ Piper told her. ‘I’ll go home on Friday.’

  ‘Go and stay with your fella then,’ Connie suggested, washing dishes that Piper had offered to do. ‘I don’t want you under my feet all the time.’

  Piper rolled her eyes. ‘I’m going for a drink with him later. But I’ll be back. I don’t want to leave you on your own yet.’

  ‘I’m fine on my own,’ Connie said. ‘I’ve been on my own for years. And this is exactly why I didn’t—’ She turned back to the sink and turned on the hot tap.

  ‘Why you didn’t tell us about the mini strokes?’ Connie had admitted to having had two earlier in the year.

  ‘I don’t like a lot of fuss,’ she said now without turning round. ‘Beryl and Jim and you and Holly. I’m fine. Look.’ She held up her curled hand and flexed her thumb at Piper. ‘Be glad I can’t straighten my middle finger.’

  Piper laughed and caught her aunt smiling before she turned back to the dishes.

  ‘It’s not for me,’ she said, crossing the room and wrapping her arms around Connie’s waist. ‘I’ll worry about you if I’m not here.’

  Connie wriggled and shook her off. ‘I’m old, but I’m not dead. You and your sister have got your own lives. It would be lovely if you could come home more, but I know you’ll be doing that anyway because of whatshisname.’

  ‘Rob,’ Piper said.

  ‘That’s him. So go on. Bugger off.’

  * * *

  ‘Where did you even get this?’ Piper said an hour or so later on Rob’s balcony, staring at the small cassette in her hand. She couldn’t think when she’d last seen one. Had forgotten the size of them, how light they were. She poked a finger into one of the holes and felt the tiny spikes, remembered twisting the tape back in when it had somehow spooled out.

  ‘I’ve got my sources,’ Rob said. He was sitting on the bench, shirtless, his skin golden in the early evening sun. Piper was finding it very distracting.

  ‘eBay?’ she asked.

  ‘Argos.’

  She laughed. ‘Wow. Who knew.’ She turned it over. Rob’s handwriting on the label: For Piper.

  ‘How am I going to listen to it though?’

  ‘Well I thought about that.’ He reached into the bag and handed her a small box.

  She laughed. She was tearing up. ‘This must’ve been eBay.’

  ‘It was, yeah.’

  It was a Walkman.

  ‘I got batteries,’ Rob said. ‘I thought you could listen on the train? Or, you know, wherever. I’m trying not to be a control freak about it.’

  ‘This is perfect,’ Piper said, leaning over to kiss him. ‘I love it.’

  * * *

  On the train, Piper turned the Walkman over in her hands. She liked the chunky solidity of it. Rob had driven her to the station and kissed her on the platform, while hurrying passengers tutted and one guy barged them with his rucksack. But she hadn’t wanted to leave. Or she’d wished Rob was going home with her. She wasn’t quite sure which.

  She’d bought herself a mini bottle of wine and she poured a (plastic) glass before putting headphones in and pressing play.

  The first song was ‘I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor’, followed by ‘Valerie’ by The Zutons, which she remembered dancing to in a pub not long before she left for London. She closed her eyes and thought about Rob, the reunion, finding him again after all these years and him actually liking her back. She still couldn’t quite believe it. Except she could because he made it very clear. Her stomach fluttered as ‘One Day Like This’ started and she remembered them dancing to it at the reunion and then singing it in the car. She was happier singing in the car with Rob than she’d been having sex with some previous boyfriends.

  She’d almost finished her first glass of wine when the next song started and the opening guitar riff made her heart race instantly. At first she wasn’t sure why and then she realised: it was ‘Everlong’ by Foo Fighters. Her dad’s favourite song. Her dad’s favourite song about finding someone and singing with them and falling in love. She poured the rest of the wine into the glass and drank it as she listened to the song all the way through. She remembered her dad and Rob talking about music once at a party in someone’s garden. Her dad had liked Rob. Everyone liked Rob.

  She took her headphones off and put the Walkman back in her bag, tapping Rob’s number on her mobile as she made her way to the end of the carriage.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, answering.

  His voice in her ear made her stomach flutter.

  To Piper’s relief, there was no one else between the carriages. She leaned against the wall and looked at her reflection in the window. It wasn’t the most glamorous or romantic place for this conversation, but she couldn’t wait.

  ‘I just called,’ she said into the phone, ‘to say I love you.’

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  When Piper got home, Matt was waiting for her with a bottle of wine, a bunch of flowers and a Thai takeaway. He was wide-eyed and unshaven, his hair all over the place.

  ‘I’ve only been away a week,’ Piper said instead of hello. ‘How are you feral?’

  ‘I took the day off work to clean the flat and get stuff ready.’

  He was still hanging back a little, standing by the table, hadn’t grabbed her and hugged her like he usually would. Piper looked around. The fibre-optic light Connie had given her was still in pride of place. The wooden deer stood on the sideboard at the far end of the room. A blanket made by her mum that Connie had repaired and cleaned was folded and arranged over the back of the sofa.

  Piper dropped her bag and crossed the room to wrap her arms around him.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Pips,’ he said, squeezing her back.

  ‘Don’t call me Pips,’ she said into the side of his neck. ‘You absolute dick.’

  She felt tears burning the backs of her eyes and pushed him away before pulling him back in again and giving him one more squeeze.

  ‘Wine?’ he said.

  ‘Please. A pint.’

  Matt poured wine and took the lids off the takeaway cartons while Piper headed into her bedroom to strip off the clothes she’d basically been wearing all week, supplemented only by some joggers and a jumper she’d grabbed from Primark between hospital visits. In her pyjamas, he
r hair pulled back off her make-up free face, she joined Matt on the other end of the sofa – the food spread out on the coffee table, Troye Sivan’s Blue Neighbourhood slinking from Matt’s laptop – and picked up her wine.

  She’d spoken to Matt a couple of times during the week, but she hadn’t had the energy to talk about what had happened with Holly. She’d told him that they were okay, and that she and Holly were okay, but that was pretty much all.

  ‘So Jack dumped me,’ Matt started. ‘For being old.’

  ‘Fuck off,’ Piper said, appalled.

  ‘Right? I know. And I felt like shit about it. So that day Holly came round, I’d come home early from work feeling sorry for myself. I was going to have a bath and get pissed and do something inadvisable via Grindr.’

  ‘Standard Friday night,’ Piper said, poking his thigh with her bare toes.

  ‘But then Holly turned up. And she was miserable as fuck too. So we opened the wine and we talked about how shit we both are at relationships and then, you know, you came home and yelled at us.’

  ‘I know. I was just… surprised.’

  Matt covered his mouth as a laugh burst out of him. ‘You were fucking horrified.’

  Piper drank some more wine. ‘I was, yeah. I never would’ve put the two of you together. And I’d just got the new job—’

  ‘Yeah, I need to hear all about that.’

  ‘Nothing much to tell yet, but yeah. So I was all excited and I bought Prosecco and thought me and you would get pissed and have a laugh and maybe go out and dance after and instead I was faced with my stuck-up sister and her sex hair.’

  ‘I can see why that would be upsetting for you,’ Matt said in his fake therapy voice. He shuffled up the sofa and reached over to the table, to pile some of the starters – chicken satay, tofu, prawn crackers – onto a plate.

  ‘But also I realised something, on the way home. I think part of it was that you’ve always told me everything. You always share every bit of your life with me. So it freaked me out when I thought you had this secret. Of course, it made it so much fucking worse that it was my sister.’

  Matt stared at her, a prawn cracker halfway to his mouth. ‘You know what I was thinking about? When you weren’t replying to my texts and I was conducting devastating arguments with you in the shower?’

  Piper winced. ‘Go on.’

  ‘You don’t share your life with me like that. I mean, most of it you do. Your London life. But not the rest of it. I thought it was because it was Holly. And you like to keep me and her separate as much as possible. But then I thought, like, I’ve never been home with you. And I’d like to. And I’d love to meet Rob.’

  Piper nodded. Her stomach felt hollow with nerves, rather than hunger. ‘You’re right. I always felt like I left it all behind. But I didn’t really. Of course I fucking didn’t.’

  Matt reached over and rubbed the side of her calf. ‘Hey, I do it too. I think everyone does a bit. But I feel like you do it a lot.’

  Piper nodded. ‘And you know what, it was actually really good being home with Holly.’ She leaned over to get her own food. ‘We talked a bit. We even fucking hugged.’

  ‘Jesus,’ Matt said.

  ‘I know. So, like… I mean if you and her…’ She picked up a duck spring roll and swiped it through the hoisin sauce before shoving it in her mouth.

  Matt grinned at her, wiggling his feet into the cushions. ‘Are you giving us your blessing?’

  ‘Oh god,’ Piper said, her mouth still full. ‘Fuck off.’

  ‘No, it’s amazing. Are you sure you don’t want to know my intentions?’

  Piper gave him the finger and then reached for another spring roll.

  ‘We’ve talked,’ Matt said. ‘Me and Holly. It was just that one time. She’s not really in a place to start anything up. And you know me: total slag.’

  ‘You’re not a slag,’ Piper said. ‘You’ve just got a lot of love to give.’

  ‘To a lot of people! I know, right?’ He grinned.

  ‘Thank you for putting the stuff out,’ she said, gesturing at the wooden deer. ‘My parents’ stuff.’

  ‘It looks good, right? You should bring more back next time you go home.’

  ‘I might,’ Piper said. ‘Yeah.’

  * * *

  ’I’m moving back home,’ Holly said at brunch on Sunday morning. ‘I’m going to move in with Connie.’

  ‘You’re not,’ Piper said. ‘Seriously?’

  Holly nodded. ‘I’ve never been happy here. In London. But you are, Piper. And you shouldn’t give that up.’

  ‘I didn’t know you weren’t happy,’ Piper said. ‘I always thought you loved it.’

  Holly shook her head. ‘I loved my job and the house and James, but I never loved living here. Not the way you do. And now I don’t have James or the job or the house… there’s no reason for me to stay. I don’t want to stay.’

  ‘But you go home even less than I do!’ Piper said. ‘You can really see yourself living there?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Holly said. ‘Maybe? I mean… it’s not exactly what I’d imagined myself doing. Living with an eighty-year-old woman in the town I grew up in. But she needs someone. And I need some time to work out where I go from here.’

  ‘What did Connie say?’

  ‘You know Connie. She said not to move back on her account. But I think she was relieved. I think she’s been a bit scared. And she’s sick of Beryl calling in all the time. And if it doesn’t work out there then I can move out and find somewhere else. But I’m going to start there, at least.’

  ‘I can’t believe it,’ Piper said. ‘I’m going to miss you.’

  Holly laughed. ‘Now I can’t believe that.’

  Piper smiled. ‘Maybe a few months ago I wouldn’t have done. But it’s been better lately, hasn’t it? We’ve been getting closer.’

  Holly nodded. ‘I’ll miss that. But you’re going to come home more.’

  ‘I am.’

  ‘And I can always come down and stay with you. I’m fine visiting London, I just don’t want to live here.’

  ‘You know what they say? Tired of London…’

  Holly rolled her eyes. ‘Living in London was making me tired of life. I want something else. And James is buying me out of the house so I’ll have time and money to work out what that might be.’

  * * *

  They walked back to the Tube together afterwards.

  ‘I’ve been reading your blog,’ Holly said, ducking her head, as if she was embarrassed. ‘I should’ve been reading it all along, I know. But I just—’

  ‘It’s fine,’ Piper said. ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It’s really good. And I want to tell you something.’ They waited at the traffic lights, both of them staring straight ahead. ‘I went to the doctor,’ Holly said. She lowered her voice. ‘I actually went to get the morning after pill because me and Matt—’

  ‘Jesus Christ,’ Piper said, shaking her head. ‘I don’t even want to know. Plus there’s condoms in the bathroom, for fuck’s sake.’

  ‘Right. Sorry.’ They crossed the road. ‘Okay, so I went to the doctor and my blood pressure was really high. And they weren’t concerned. Like, at all? They said maybe it was stress, but they didn’t ask about exercise or diet and the nurse actually said that I didn’t look like someone with high blood pressure so it was probably just a blip. And then I went back – after I’d handed my notice in – and it was fine, so, you know. But it made me think… they literally decided I must be healthy just because I’m slim. And that’s bullshit.’

  Piper was lost for words. Her throat felt too tight to swallow, but she needed to swallow or she was scared she might cry.

  ‘Pipes?’ Holly said, her forehead furrowed with concern.

  ‘I’m okay,’ Piper managed to say. ‘I just… it means a lot to me. That you would realise that.’

  ‘I feel like a shit for not realising before, to be honest,’ Holly said. ‘I remember you saying that you ca
n’t tell someone’s health by looking at them and I kind of agreed. But I also kind of felt like obviously someone fatter would be less healthy. Like that was just beyond all question. And that’s just wrong. And it’s, like, obviously wrong? Everyone knows thin people who eat like shit and do no exercise, but it’s like it’s okay just because they’re thin. I mean… what the fuck is that?’

  Holly looked so indignant, so appalled, that Piper laughed. ‘I know. But it is hard, I know. All this stuff is so ingrained. And reinforced everywhere. I’m not really surprised that people believe it. But it’s not true.’

  ‘And it’s not just that. I was a dick to you about your weight. When we were teens. And probably after? But you’re so brave. I knew you were. Like you left and went to London and you were so young. But you wanted to do it and you just did it and I didn’t think I ever could.’

  ‘But you did.’

  ‘I did it once I could control everything. Once I had a job and a place and—’

  ‘You still did it. And I went to uni, I didn’t just go with like a hanky on a stick and a fucking song in my heart.’

  ‘But you still did it,’ Holly said. ‘And it was really brave. I just wanted to tell you that.’

  Piper nodded. ‘Thank you. I appreciate it.’

  ‘And I think… I think maybe losing Mum and Dad made us both less brave. Scared to take risks. But I really think we should, you know? We have to.’

  Piper nodded. ‘I’m definitely going to try.’

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  ‘Are you excited?’ Matt asked Piper. ‘Nervous?’

  ‘About the launch or about you meeting Rob?’

  Matt grinned. ‘Both.’

  The launch for Bitter/Sweet was taking place on a super-yacht moored on the Thames. Juliette had found it, but Piper had done everything else, arranging the party and the press conference that would take place later, after the girls had zipped off down the river in a speedboat. Everyone left on the yacht would go on partying without them. Piper had always enjoyed her job, but since moving to Press she absolutely loved it.