The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

  Julian’s mouth went dry. He’d never realized how incredibly sexy a wink could be. It was late. But the tiredness evaporated as Julian thought about what he’d do to Zachary’s miles of body in a huge bed like the one awaiting him. Zachary paused in the doorway. Ah, there it was. Just to the right of the cleft in Zachary’s chin. Maybe he’d kiss that small mole first and then work his way up to the one by his lips and….

  “I should go.”

  Julian blinked. “What?”

  “What what?”

  “Um. Zach. I think it’s happening again. What were you saying?”

  Zachary looked… something. “That I have to stop trying to count the freckles on your face and go home.”

  Julian threw him a perplexed look. “I have a lot of freckles.”

  Zachary shot him that same indefinable look and left without another word.

  THE NEXT night Julian was working late with Brian since Zachary had a class. “Has it been okay working here?” Brian asked, flipping through the transcripts from that morning.

  “Yeah. I guess.” Julian was getting bored with the sprawling suite and missed his neat cubicle in the office, where maintaining order was easy as pie. Although the couple of times he’d shoved all the paperwork aside and slept on that giant pillow of a bed had been sweet.

  Brian looked up then. “You and Zach sleep here much?”

  Julian paled. “What?”

  Brian flustered noticeably. “I didn’t mean… only meant if you were here late, um, but not at the same time, of course…. Okay. I’m not digging myself out of this one. Never mind.”

  Julian chuckled at Brian’s discomfort. It was cute. Besides it wasn’t like Brian knew about Julian’s ridiculous crush. “I slept here a couple of nights when it got late.” After a second he added, “Alone.” Figured it was better to be clear about that.

  “Jules, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  “You didn’t. No worries.”

  “So, what do you think of Zach?” It was not unusual for the senior partners to check in with Julian regarding the paralegals and associates they hired. Julian never did understand why his opinion seemed valued, but Brian had told him he had an “uncanny” read on people. Truly that was funny, because if it were so, then wouldn’t Julian have been able to maintain a romantic relationship without consistently getting dumped? In turn, that fueled Julian’s underlying belief that his former boyfriends weren’t at fault—there had to be something wrong with Julian, himself.

  Julian considered before answering. “Zachary’s very smart, dedicated. I’m sure he’ll do well.”

  That earned him a pleased nod from Brian. They both refiled documents side by side for several minutes before Brian broke the silence. “You’re doing a fine job on this case.” He straightened the file folders, bringing their edges together crisply. Julian sensed the other man had more to say. “You know, Tim didn’t want to take on this case.” That was news to Julian. Brian continued, “And I’ll be honest, it’s a long shot proving causality like we need.” He paused again and ran his fingers over his closely shorn hair. “I studied abroad in England for some time.”

  “Oxford,” Julian replied mechanically to this non sequitur, assuming Brian was working up to his point. He was aware of Brian’s impressive past. How’d he grown up in the modest southeast DC neighborhood of Hillcrest and risen to become a Rhodes scholar.

  “I made a very close friend in England. Hal Jones—you’ve probably heard me talk about him before.” Julian nodded; the friendship had come up in conversation. Brian and his wife were very close with the Jones family. “Well, Hal’s uncle was born with serious deformities. Shortened arm limbs, missing fingers. His mother had taken thalidomide.” The confused look Julian tossed at Brian earned him a wan smile. “It was a drug prescribed for morning sickness. Not so much in the US, but it was commonly used in the UK until 1961. Hal’s uncle had other health issues and he died fairly young. I was there when he passed and attended the funeral.”

  In more than a year with the firm, this was the most private conversation Julian had with his supervisor and he struggled to find the right words. “Thank you for sharing that. I… we all can see the dedication you have toward this case. How hard you’re working for the clients. And that inspires the rest of us. Zachary, especially, well, I think this case means as much to him as it does to you.”

  Brian held his gaze. “Zach’s a good guy. He’ll make a great attorney.” Standing, he lugged the now full box back into the bedroom they used for storage. He tossed over his shoulder as he went, “And he thinks the world of you.”

  Julian flinched at that and said nothing, carrying the second box to put away for the night. He was surprised as Brian continued, “You have any gigs coming up?” Brian had come to hear The Last Cowboys a few times now, along with Julian’s fellow paralegals, Katherine and Jack. His coworkers came for Gabe and Nick, Julian assumed, since he simply played guitar except for the occasional time Gabe would maneuver Julian into singing one of his own songs.

  “Yeah, maybe. Why?”

  “Zach asked me if I’d ever heard you play. I told him I’d bring him along next time. Hope that’s okay? I mean, I know he can be exuberant. But it’s hard not to like him. And he’s hard to say no to.”

  Julian understood that. But he really didn’t want Zachary anywhere near him when he was performing. His music made him vulnerable. It was easier to play in front of folks he didn’t know because they didn’t matter. But when it was someone he connected with, then the singing was like a bridge between himself and whomever was really listening.

  ZACHARY SLAPPED his palm on his thigh, cracking up as Julian shared a story of hapless Jack. It was late morning, and Zachary’s good humor crinkled the skin around his eyes. In the light shining into their command center’s designated file room bedroom, Zachary’s eyes were green-hued. Not dark green like Julian’s, but a gold-kissed earthy tone. The kind that made you think of sunny fields blanketed in marigolds.

  “Oh God.” Zachary chortled. “I can picture Rhonda’s face when it happened.” Jack worked primarily for senior associate Rhonda Chin, a brilliant lawyer well on the partner path. Julian knew from experience that Jack’s lack of common sense could be taxing. During the story in question, Jack had forgotten to silence his phone and it had gone off in court, blaring “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot.

  Julian giggled uncontrollably; it had been pretty funny to imagine. To hear Brian tell it, Jack had practically pissed himself on the spot. Not that Julian couldn’t sympathize, given his own anxiety issues, but he was able to fake it better than poor Jack.

  After they both settled back to the tasks at hand, Zachary asked, “How long till the next deposition?”

  Julian glanced at his watch. “About three hours. But we’re still set up from this morning, so we’re good. Want to get lunch? I don’t have to ask if you’re hungry.” He grinned at Zachary because in the several weeks they’d worked together, Zachary had never once turned down food.

  “Growing boy here.” He walked toward the doorway. “I’ll just go grab the room service menu.”

  Glancing around, Julian made a quick decision. “No, wait. I’m sick of this suite.”

  “Where do you want—?”

  “I want to get out of this damn hotel and walk down to the Mall.” The National Mall was Julian’s favorite spot in all of the city. He liked to be surrounded by the museums and the monuments and the history. Gave him a rush every time.

  “Hell yeah. I love it there.”

  “What?”

  “What what?”

  Julian nodded enthusiastically. “Me too. Don’t get there very often. Used to go play Frisbee on weekends, but then this case took over and….”

  Zachary looked wistful. “We played Frisbee on the quad all the time back in school.”

  “Maybe we could—” Julian cut himself short. No. Geez. He was asking Zachary out. What was wrong with him?

  “I’d lo
ve to play Frisbee with you. Maybe once the case starts to wind down?”

  Puppy dog eyes.

  Julian nodded because he couldn’t find the words to say no.

  THEY ENTERED the Mall near the Capitol but worked their way west. If they kept walking, they’d eventually end up at the Lincoln Memorial. People sprinkled the park, strolling and sightseeing and lounging on the grass.

  Lunch ended up being a hot dog from a street vendor as they shared a park bench. Well. Three hot dogs for Zachary. As they resumed walking, gravel sprinkled upward as Julian toed it with his sneaker. It had been a long winter. He felt the phrase spring fever was coined by afternoons like this. Bold blue spilled across the sky, dizzying in its cloudless expanse. He inhaled the earthy scents of mowed grass and fresh dirt. Against this backdrop towered the Washington Monument, stark and radiant. He bit his lip to keep from bursting into song. It looked too perfect. Like it was fake.

  “Looks like a movie backdrop,” Zachary said, voice hushed like leaves rustling over a sidewalk.

  Julian stared at Zachary. Could he truly read his mind, or were they just that much in sync? And really, either answer sucked given that it—they—just could not happen. Nonetheless he admitted, “I was just thinking that.”

  Zachary held Julian’s stare, sun-kissed gold and teeth gleaming ridiculously white in the sunlight. After donning comfortable jeans, they’d left their suit jackets and ties back in the room, and Zachary had rolled up his shirtsleeves, exposing forearms a shade darker than his face. Julian had this ridiculous desire to grab Zachary’s hand and run toward the reflecting pool, arms spread wide, breeze in their faces. He really had been cooped up too long.

  “What’s your favorite monument?” Julian asked to distract himself from giving in to his desire to fly.

  Zachary looked around, shrugged once, and then licked a leftover spot of mustard off his lip before answering with a lilt, “Guess.”

  This was a no-brainer. Zachary had waxed poetically about his favorite president before.

  “The Lincoln Memorial.”

  Zachary snaked his tongue out along his top lip. “I’m easy,” he granted, before facing Julian head-on with determination. “How ’bout you? Should I try to guess?”

  “Go ahead.”

  Julian knew Zachary wouldn’t be able to figure out Julian’s favorite. There were too many, and Julian hadn’t shared enough for Zachary to begin to come close—

  “Vietnam Memorial,” Zachary said with a quiet certitude.

  “What?” Julian sputtered.

  “What what?”

  “How’d you know that? I mean, yeah. But how—?”

  Zachary pursed his lips, bewildered. “I don’t know. I just….” He glanced at Julian but quickly turned away, clearly awkward as he said softly, “It’s black in a sea of white.”

  Julian rubbed his eyes as the sun’s brightness made them water. “My friend Gabe told me his dad had been weeks away from shipping out before the Vietnam War ended. I’d never been to DC before moving here. So, one of the first things I did was visit the memorial.” Julian had never explained to anyone what happened to him that day, walking gently along the pathway as the black wall rose up beside him—name after name calling to him. “Folks leave things, notes and such. Have you been to it?”

  Zachary shook his head.

  Deep into summer and hot enough to melt a tire onto concrete, the temperature had kept even the tourists away. Alone, Julian had touched the mercifully cool dark granite. He’d run his fingertips against the engravings of the names. So many lost souls. Julian was twenty-eight years old. The average age of the dead soldiers memorialized on the wall was twenty-three.

  “How old are you, Zach?”

  “Twenty-three. Why?”

  Julian shook away the immediate chill. “After Gabe told me about his dad, I felt really lucky as a kid that we were in peacetime. But then 9/11 happened and it all changed.”

  Julian followed the tiny beads of sweat that had formed on Zachary’s forehead as he brushed at his bangs before continuing. “What did you see at the Vietnam Memorial?”

  That would have been an odd question coming from someone else. It’s black in a sea of white. “I saw a song.” Zachary pointed to a nearby tree, and they dropped onto the cool grass within the branch’s shade. Julian pulled his knees up and rested his arms across them. “It sounded a little like you said.” His fingers twitched subconsciously, playing chords on an invisible guitar. “Like a darkness that can suck you in. A little scary at first. But then, when you get past that, it’s peaceful. Probably the most serene spot in the whole city.”

  Zachary’s eyes were on him again, dark within the dappling shadows, drawing in the light, like the memorial they were talking about. “I want to go there. To the Wall. With you.”

  Julian didn’t reply, and studied Zachary. But not like other times where admittedly he was admiring his chiseled jawline and underwear model physique. This time he wanted more.

  “I’d like that,” he said, because it was true.

  Zachary remained serenely content at that, just as the wind picked up, rustling the leaves and filtering in the sun and lighting him up from within. Julian’s breath caught. Was there such a thing as too beautiful?

  Staring down at the grass beneath him, Julian fought the emotions threatening to take over and turn him inside out, exposed. He peeked at Zachary through his lowered eyelashes. What if he let their relationship go where he knew it could lead? Their chemistry was off the charts, so physically, he suspected it would be quite good. Beyond that, he admired Zachary’s playfulness, his character and quiet introspection. This was the kind of man who would make an incredible boyfriend. The kind of man he could fall for. Hard. But if it went bad…. A chill ran through him despite the warm weather. If he gave away his heart only to have it tossed back at him once more, what would be left after that?

  “Julian?” Hesitation made Zachary’s voice raspy. “Can I ask you something?”

  He looked back up to find Zachary staring in his intense way. It was definitely one of the things they had in common. He tilted his head, encouraging Zachary’s question.

  “Why’d you move to DC from LA? Seems like Los Angeles would be better for your music.”

  He crossed his legs and leaned forward on his elbows. “Lots of competition in Los Angeles. Everyone wants to be a star. But that’s not why I moved. I broke up with someone. Couldn’t…. Needed to leave. Start fresh.” Again.

  Zachary pondered this a few moments. It was obvious he was trying to decide something. His next question would likely be about the other moves Julian had made. He really didn’t want to have to share the totality of his pathetic love life.

  “I know we have to get back to the depositions. But before….” Zachary glanced at his watch. “We still have a few minutes. I hoped maybe we could talk about this, um, us? I know working together and all could be awkward. But I really like you and thought maybe we could, you know, go out sometime? Like dinner?” He paused and took a deep breath. “Like a date?”

  Shit. He hadn’t been expecting that. At least not this second.

  So much for an unrequited crush. Of course, he couldn’t get lucky and only be destined to pine his life away. And oh, how he wanted to say yes. It was like a rising tide inside. One he had to stop. Because he feared the answer to his earlier thought, what would be left when it went south again was not much.

  “Zach, I like you too.” His conscience flared. What to say? He wouldn’t mention Gabe. That was too much of a lie. Keep it simple but still ensure that Julian, himself, couldn’t change his mind about it. Hold firm and self-preserve. “I’m sorry.” Deep breath. “I just started seeing someone.”

  The second it slipped past Julian’s lips, the lie hung in the air between them like a thing.

  Zachary flushed noticeably, mouth opening and closing, fishlike. He abruptly stood and Julian followed suit.

  “I’m sorry,” Julian offered again lamely, ignoring
the voice inside that yelled at him to take it back, to say yes. That voice was reckless, couldn’t be trusted, leaped without looking and always got him in trouble. No more. Shut up, he shouted at it.

  “No. I’m sorry, man. I thought—I mean Kat said….”

  Julian’s face darkened. Katherine was the firm’s fourth paralegal. He considered her a friend. Were they gossiping about him in the office? “Was Kat talking about my personal life?”

  “Not like that. I asked her if she thought you were seeing anyone, is all. I shouldn’t’ve.” Zachary looked away. “Wow.” He let out a huff that fell far short of laughter. “Timing, eh? Look, I get it. I didn’t mean to make things awkward. But we can still be friends, right?”

  “Sure. Nobody knows about, um, this. I’m pretty private.” He dusted off the back of his jeans and then stared at the faint stains on his hands as if he’d never seen dirt before. If he’d done the right thing, why did he feel like the biggest jackass under the sun? Straightening his spine, he equally strengthened his resolve. It was weird now, but that was much better than whatever would kick in later, just like when his past lovers grew tired of Julian. Besides, Zachary would feel bad about breaking up with Julian and this little falsehood had spared Zachary all of that. Like catching a criminal before the crime. The stray thought that rule-of-law-worshipping Zachary would really not approve of that concept was batted away before it could burrow too deep.

  They strode back in silence, barely in time to get back before the executives showed up again for more depositions. Julian hoped Brian wasn’t waiting and wondering where they were.

  Julian caught Zachary peeking at him every once in a while. Of course, this was because he was looking back. It took a few moments before Julian realized what was different. Zachary wasn’t smiling. His lips were set in a neutral line.

  He looked up at the sky. Still blue, but duller? Oh, c’mon. The world did not just get dimmer! A churning in his gut made him wonder if he was developing an ulcer.