The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

  Meanwhile, Julian knew Zachary was drowning in student loans. He couldn’t afford to start looking for work in this economy. Whether or not he ever forgave Julian, the firm was great for Zachary, letting him study and attend his classes. And it was all Julian’s fault.

  “Brian, Zachary had nothing to do with what happened. If… I’ll try to get him back on the case. But if I can’t, then I’ll resign. Zach’s too good. You don’t want to lose him.”

  Brian softened and patted Julian’s shoulder once. “I don’t want to lose either one of you. But we can’t run the business like this.”

  Julian nodded. He understood. No matter what, he’d be sure that Zachary’s job was safe. Even if it turned out to be the last thing he ever did for Zachary Fierro.

  IT WAS no surprise that Zachary didn’t answer his cell phone. Julian left a short message asking if they could please talk. He thought about dialing Zachary’s office number but figured it would go to voicemail there as well as soon as Zachary looked at the caller ID. There was only one way.

  “Brian, I need to head into the office for a few hours. There’s some work on the Randall case that I’d said I’d knock off for George. If you’re going to be here….”

  Brian looked up. “Yeah. Sure. Will you be back?”

  “Yes. I’ll return after-hours and set up for tomorrow morning. No worries.”

  He ascended from the Metro with trepidation. Cornering Zachary in the office was probably not one of his brightest ideas. Of course, since he’d first laid eyes on Zachary, he really hadn’t had one idea that could remotely be considered intelligent, but it was better not to think about that right now.

  The paralegals at Harrison, Kim, and Fowler didn’t have offices. Instead they had tall-walled cubicles that covered the interior of the space. The top part of the cubicle was clear, allowing in light from the building’s exterior-windowed offices. Julian thought it was fine for what he was doing.

  Zachary’s cubicle was closer to Brian’s office on the side of the floor with the larger, senior partner offices. As he walked in that general direction, he caught Kat’s furious stare. She jumped up and tugged at him, blonde bangs flipping across her forehead.

  “Whoa,” he said, almost knocked off his feet by her unexpected grab on his sleeve.

  “Leave him alone. You’ve done enough damage.”

  Well, given this entire debacle, that was hardly unexpected. For a defeated moment, he thought maybe he should just go back to his desk, type out his letter of resignation, and be done with it.

  “Kat, I know I screwed up. But I really do need to speak to him.”

  “No, you don’t. Not after whatever it is you did to him.”

  Now Julian was confused. Didn’t she know?

  “Did to him?” he asked, wanting to know what she knew.

  “If you’re going out with Gabe, then leave Zach alone. I don’t know what happened between you two, but that boy is upset, so stay away.”

  “I’m not dating Gabe.”

  “But… the concert…. Did you break up? Because I can see how Zach wouldn’t want to be a rebound—”

  Julian sighed. “I know you mean well. But please. I can’t talk about it now.” He disengaged himself. “I really do have to speak with Zach.”

  This was so blasted complicated. How did he get into this mess? Oh, yeah, a litany of bad life choices leading to this incredibly fucked-up moment.

  Zachary must have heard the exchange with Kat because he was standing outside his cubicle as Julian approached, his face dead serious. “Not here,” he said, voice low and final as Julian got closer.

  Julian nodded. “Fine. Then where?”

  “Is nowhere an option?”

  “I’m not leaving until we talk.”

  Zachary looked like he wanted to strike a wall. Of course if he did, it would probably just fall down on the person on the other side. “Fine,” he bit out. Without looking to see if Julian was following, he stalked into Brian’s office and shut the door. “What?”

  “What what?” Julian said before realizing.

  Zachary’s face went even tenser. “Don’t even think of playing with me further. What. Do. You. Want?”

  “I… um. You need to get back on the case. Fowler really wants you on it.”

  Zachary ran a hand through his hair. “Did he send you here?”

  “No. Well. Sort of. But I wanted to speak with you. Zach, please, it’s not worth risking your job over. We can keep it professional to get the job done. A few more months and it’ll all be over.”

  “A few months?” Zach stepped up, close and personal now. “I can’t stand to be….” He eased off in the next moment, took a breath. “Look, Julian. I can’t… I just can’t work anywhere near you any longer. I’ll deal with Fowler.”

  Julian stepped back from the anger pelting toward him. Shit. He’d screwed this up so completely that Zachary couldn’t work with him at all any longer.

  “No. You don’t understand.” Julian looked around the immaculate office. Large, organized, neat. Just like Brian. And if he said he needed this mess straightened out, then you could trust that to be true. “Okay. I’m sorry. I screwed up and now…. But you shouldn’t. If you can’t, then I’ll resign. I understand. I wouldn’t want to be around me either.”

  Zachary’s shoulders fell as the words sank in. “No. I didn’t mean—”

  “I know you didn’t. But it’s got to be this way. You’re the one who should be here, who is going to be a lawyer. You go back on the case. Fowler will replace me, shouldn’t be too hard. Folks want work these days.”

  Zachary turned his back to Julian and stared out the window to the pedestrians on the wide street below. They were on the sixth floor—the people seemed distant yet close at the same time. Julian watched Zachary’s back muscles tighten with tension. He wanted to reach out and massage it away. He wanted to hear Zachary’s laugh. See him smile. Those dimples. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen them. The goddamn world was dimmer.

  A shaky voice said, “Don’t.”

  He walked closer to the window. So many busy people beneath. Walking, talking, living.

  “Don’t quit.” Zachary still faced the window. “I’ll come back on the case.”

  Julian released a held-in breath, couldn’t help but feel relieved. He twisted to try to get at least a part of Zachary’s gaze. “Thank you.” Zachary nodded, turned minutely toward him. It gave Julian courage to continue. “I’m sorry, Zach. Sorry for lying to you. Wasn’t right or fair. Maybe one day you can forgive me.”

  Zachary didn’t say anything. That was okay. He’d agreed to work on the Peterson case again and they could keep their jobs, and for now, it was enough.

  AWKWARD WOULD have been one way to describe the situation now. Tension tight enough to walk across might have been another. Upon entering their command center on the third morning after his confession, Julian spent a few quiet moments watching Zachary walk around the dining room table leaving pens and yellow pads. There had to be something he could say to make it better. To make it bearable. He hated this situation, hated that he’d been the one to make it this way. It still dumbfounded him, if he allowed himself to think about it, how absolutely he’d screwed this up.

  Taking a long calming breath, he tried to strike up conversation. “I hope you’re hungry.” Tone as upbeat as he could make it with his jittery throat, Julian held up the shopping bag from his favorite bakery.

  Zachary looked up when Julian spoke, but he never met his gaze, instead zeroing in on the bag and raising one brow in question. Taking this as a positive sign, Julian swept aside Zachary’s careful notepad placement and started to unpack. He’d gotten rather carried away.

  “Is that lemon poppy seed coffee cake?” Zachary asked.

  Julian fist-pumped internally. This was more conversation than he’d gotten in days. Clearly the way to this boy’s heart was through his stomach. “Yes. Also got some muffins. Chocolate chip—your favorite.” That ear
ned him another brow rise.

  After spreading out the assortment from the bakery on some napkins, Julian reached into a second paper bag to pull out a tear-shaped fried dough pastry. This time Zachary’s mouth twitched at the corners and his tongue came out to lick his lips. Not that Julian was staring at his lips. Nope. Not at all.

  “Churros!” Zachary exclaimed. “Where’d you find those?”

  Julian knew that they were another of Zachary’s favorites. He took the pause to savor the moment. “I made them.”

  Holding one out, Julian waited patiently for Zachary to take a taste. It felt like an eternity later when Zachary said with a nod, “It’s good.” He finished it in front of Julian and then nabbed the latte Julian had also brought. Waving at the spread, Zachary added, “Thank you.” He looked at it with an unreadable expression. “I know you—” Zachary ran a hand through his hair, pulling it back from his high forehead only to have it fall forward again. He started again. “I know you mean well. But I wish you’d stop. No more fancy coffees. Breakfast and now baking. It’s not helping. I feel what I feel and—” He cut himself off again, crossing his arms over his chest protectively. “We have work to do. I don’t—can’t do anything else right now.”

  Swallowing hard, Julian nodded. “Okay. I just—I’m so sorry. I wish—”

  “You’re not hearing me,” Zachary said, voice hard. “I don’t want to talk about it. Just, give me space, okay? I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk.”

  Space? Sure, Julian could do space. He could do an entire galaxy if that’s what Zachary wanted. Maybe if he tried making some homemade flan instead?

  JULIAN SPENT a restless night tossing and turning, splitting his time between pondering custard recipes and wondering when he’d become the kind of person to play with people’s emotions the way he had. Was it a result of the way he’d been treated? They said folks become like their abusers. Is that what happened to him? Had he preemptively done to Zachary what he was afraid would happen to him?

  As a result, he woke up late and got a slow start, then didn’t make it to the hotel room until close to seven, and completely empty-handed. He called Zachary’s name, but there was no answer.

  The room had been prepped, yellow pads and pens like waiting sentinels on display. Clearly Zachary had been here. After a moment he spotted a note on the coffee table in front of the sofa.

  Julian,

  First depo rescheduled. Next one at 9:30. Taking a walk. Will be back before then.

  Z

  Nobody was arriving until half past nine and there was nothing left to do. Making a split-second decision, Julian headed back outside.

  Since the museums wouldn’t open for several hours, the Mall was unusually still and silent. The morning chill made Julian shiver in his T-shirt and regret not bringing a jacket. Rubbing his goose-bumped arms, he sped up to warm himself. Assuming he found Zachary, he didn’t know what he’d say. Especially since just yesterday Zachary had asked him for space. Showing up uninvited was annoying, and Zachary would finally crack and tell Julian to get the hell out of his life once and for all. That had to be the expected ending even to a nonromance in Julian’s life.

  It’s just that Julian’s head kept spinning with the words sorry and please. Even if he didn’t know exactly for what he was pleading or how it would be received.

  He headed west toward the Lincoln Memorial again because that’s where Zachary went to think. Glancing sideways he caught a fractured echo of himself in the Reflecting Pool’s dark muddy green water. He couldn’t help but wonder if that’s what Zachary’s eyes looked like without the sun shining.

  Had Zachary even come here at all? What if he were sitting in some Starbucks, warm and cozy? A light mist started to come down. The chill bored through him, and he thought his bones might start chattering. The great white bulk of Lincoln’s monument loomed ahead, but the steps were empty. He felt like an idiot. The wind picked up and moaned, shattering the silence. And then he turned right, followed the same path he’d taken once before.

  The Wall started at about eight inches high. Its height increased steadily along the path, making visitors feel like they were descending. At its peak it reached ten feet and felt like entering a grave. Julian had known the Wall was there before seeing it. Just like he knew that Zachary was touching the black granite before Julian saw him.

  Zachary stood near the tallest part, scanning the names. He never turned around. “How’d you know I’d be here?”

  “I didn’t, not until I was almost here.”

  “Do you need me back?”

  Yes. “Not yet. There’s time still.”

  “Where is he?”

  Julian looked at the Wall. He didn’t have to ask who. He looked around. There were too many. He didn’t know where that particular one was any longer. Slowly, he walked a little past Zachary and knelt. His finger grazed a name at random. One among the many, who in the end was all of them. “I don’t know where the name of the soldier was from a year ago,” he admitted. “It was around here. It was all of them.”

  Zachary dropped to his own knees, one large hand coming up to hover near where Julian continued caressing the cool stone. Julian twisted, and they were eye to eye. Emotion poured from Zachary as he looked from the names back to Julian. Despite the drab sky, he glowed with an inner golden ray.

  It was too beautiful. Too much. And despite the cold and the wet spray and the fear of his incredible fuckup running through his veins, Julian felt warm and humbled and honored to share this. To be here. With this man.

  They both rose slowly without breaking eye contact.

  “Why?” Zachary asked, voice as soft as the mist moistening his face. “Why did you lie to me like that?”

  “I was scared,” Julian answered honestly.

  “Of me?”

  Julian drew a step closer. Zachary generated heat and light and hope. “No.” He closed the final inch. “Of this.” He tilted his head up slightly and waited till he saw Zachary’s silent answering nod before pressing his lips gently against Zachary’s, already knowing how it would feel and rejoicing that it had been allowed.

  Zachary trembled, body stiffening in a tiny jolt. Julian pulled back hesitantly. A swish of pigeons flew over them, drawing his attention upward for a split second. A hand reached for his chin. Blue-gold eyes wouldn’t let him go. “We do this, it’s all-in. Because I don’t seem to have a halfway point with you.”

  Julian almost laughed. Halfway was definitely not his MO. That was what terrified him. He answered with his lips.

  They fell into each other with a desperate growl. It wasn’t soft or gentle or teasing, didn’t feel exploratory or testing. Julian parted his lips and pushed his tongue inside and finally allowed himself to take. Swirling, nipping, sucking, bruising. He slid against Zachary, pushing closer until the contact almost hurt. Fuck, he’d known it’d be good. He hadn’t come close to imagining how good.

  The ridge of Zachary’s groin pushed against his own, so he ground his hips higher, seeking friction and heat and more. So much more. Zachary held the back of his head now, angling him, controlling him, and Julian reached up to play with the hair on Zachary’s neck. As soft as satin, a slow slip-slide of tongue against tongue. His mouth, Zachary’s mouth, lips tingling from the pressure, the heat—the want.

  “Fuck,” Julian drawled into Zachary’s mouth, teeth grazing his bottom lip as Zachary tugged back on his upper one.

  “Absolutely,” Zachary replied, lips quirking up even as Julian refused to let them go.

  The tease warmed Julian to his toes. He pulled back for air. God, he’d missed that, but then remembered why it had gone away. Instantly sobered, he met Zachary’s lust-black stare. “I’m sorry. I was such an ass. I hope someday you can forgive me for lying to you.”

  Zachary pulled him closer and leaned in to kiss his neck before meeting his gaze. “Yeah. You were an ass.” His lips curved up shyly. “But I get it. Sort of. More now than I ever could have before.”<
br />
  Julian looked at him, puzzled, brows rising.

  Zachary touched his cheek, drawing a finger down the side of his face, toward his jaw. He studied him with a reverence and amusement that shouldn’t seem to go together. But they did. “I couldn’t possibly have understood being scared to fall in love like you were, before I knew what it felt like.”

  Julian wasn’t the brightest bulb in the pack. Of course, he never claimed he was. And after all, Zachary had just kissed him senseless. That explained why Zachary had to say it again before Julian finally understood.

  “I love you, you idiot.”

  The words struck like musical notes exploding into harmony, made him stop breathing, made him just. Stop. Because in all his past relationships, no one had ever said it first. Or said it like Zachary did. Shining out of him like his soul was talking.

  Tearing up was a damn sappy thing to do right then, so no way was Julian going to own up to that. He reached up again and plundered Zachary’s mouth so hard he almost knocked them both over. His back suddenly was against the granite, and his groin thrust into Zachary of its volition, and disruptions of words like solemn and respect and memorial pinged him in tiny bursts. But Zachary instinctively lifted him up and away from the Wall again, holding him tight against him with those tree-branch arms.

  “Mmm. Me too,” Julian breathed into Zachary’s ear before circling back to ghost wet kisses on his face, around his jaw. Ohh. There. The beauty mark he wanted to worship, all sweet and waiting for him.

  Zachary pulled away slightly and met Julian’s glazed stare. “What?”

  “What what?” Julian pouted, lips seeking a return of the warmth they just had.

  But Zachary retreated a step back. “What were you going to say?”

  The lust haze made it hard for Julian to think. He’d had his lips on the spot he’d been fantasizing about for freaking ever. And really, he just wanted to get back to it. Had they been talking?