The Music of Love

by Sandine Tomas

  Julian had absolutely nothing to say to that, but Marc spoke again, attention centered on Julian. “Shop’s profits have doubled since I took over.” He both softened and shifted his gaze to Zachary, a quiet bashfulness rendering his voice gentler. “I think McGregor’s going to sell the shop to me. Well, assuming the small business loan comes through.”

  Zachary’s enthusiasm was effervescent and instant. “What? That’s fantastic!”

  Fueled by Zachary’s contagious energy the table burst into crisscrossing comments, ideas and questions bouncing like a Ping-Pong ball around the small group. Julian’s mind churned with all the reasons this was a horrible idea. A business venture in this economy was so uncertain, and over 90 percent of small businesses failed. Not to mention the sheer trendiness-dependent nature of this venture seemed to immediately give it a limited shelf life. But self-preservation meant not saying anything. Once, Zachary tangled their fingers, as if saying, Hey, still with us? Julian tightened the squeeze and offered up a weak smile.

  Staring into Zachary’s gold-circled gaze, Julian didn’t catch the query tossed at him until it was repeated with a harsh edge. “I was asking about your future plans,” Marc repeated.

  “Plans?” Julian asked dumbly.

  With obvious exasperation Marc said, “Yeah.” He tilted his chin toward his best friend. “Zach here has had his future mapped out since we were like ten.” He chuckled, picking up his beer mug and draining the last of it before swiping his lips. “Law school, some time at a medium-sized firm for experience and money, move up to a bigger firm to build a real nest egg, and then pour it all into his own practice where he’ll help widows and orphans who’ve been stamped over by nefarious corporate giants.” The corners of his lips tipped up and his voice softened again despite the teasing. “Picture Robin Hood without the stealing.”

  Zachary’s cheeks turned almost plum. It was adorable and Julian couldn’t help the way his heart tightened. But Marc wasn’t done with Julian yet. “What about you? Zach told me you like to fool around with some songwriting.” His tone was dismissive, as if he’d said Julian had been playing with GI Joe dolls. “But, you know, the real world catches up with all of us.” He smiled toothily, and it reminded Julian of a tiger. “Hard to picture Zach with someone who doesn’t have a clear five-year plan.”

  The heart tightening now had a distinctly different feel, more like someone was trying to pull it up out of his throat. Zachary chimed in quickly, “Marc… Julian doesn’t need to figure out his future right here during dinner.”

  Feeling the need to say something, Julian said, “I have my music. I mean—it’s what I do.” If it was possible to smack himself without someone coming to lock him away, he would have, because—it’s what I do? What was wrong with him? Besides, this was dumb. Zachary wasn’t looking for a five-year plan; he just wanted to be with Julian. At least he’d told Julian that, not that they discussed the future that way, but Zachary was supportive of Julian’s music. Was it true, what Marc said? Would Zachary get fed up with Julian’s nonexistent music career?

  “Yeah, Zach told me about that—you ‘see’ songs, eh?” The snicker was subdued, but Julian still heard it.

  In response to the awkward silence that followed that comment, Meg, tactfully, aimed to refocus the subject. “Zach said aside from being a songwriter that you perform with a band. We’d love to come hear you play.”

  Julian stiffened. Dammit. He didn’t mind friends coming to hear him, but no way did he want Marc glaring up at him with disdain at every off note. Before Julian could reply, Zachary chimed in, “Meg… Julian’s a little shy about his playing. Maybe one day, okay?”

  She looked a little put out. “Okay. I mean you said he was great that time when you heard him.”

  Marc twirled his coaster like a top, beady stare sharklike and just as lethal. “Yeah, until his lead singer outed himself as Julian’s boyfriend.”

  Both Margaret and Sophia whined, “Marc!” at the same moment. The short name lengthened to five syllables.

  A high-pitched groan escaped Julian before he could stop himself. This evening had started at stormy weather and was working its way toward an approaching iceberg.

  Zachary’s jaw muscles pulsed as his temper flared. “Marc. What the hell, man? I told you we settled all that.”

  Marc squinted at them. “What? I didn’t mean anything. That’s what happened, but it’s all in the past, right? You two are picking out curtains now. It’s cool.” Marc’s eyes bored challengingly into Julian’s.

  Zachary glanced sideways anxiously, probably assuming that Julian was upset, that he’d bolt. But Marc’s hurtful words had the opposite effect because for the first time all evening, he understood. Julian sat up tall and stared back at Marc equally hard.

  “Lying to Zachary was the stupidest thing I’ve done in a long line of really stupid moves. And even though I really don’t deserve it, he forgave me.”

  “Zach deserved better,” Marc said, voice low and sure. “Fuckin’ left him wrecked.” He leaned in toward the table as he spoke, pale blue eyes narrow and hard. Guilt surged. Wrecked? He knew he’d hurt Zachary and a part of him wanted to apologize daily for that.

  Zachary looked at the tension simmering palpably between his best friend and his boyfriend in shock. Julian had the distinct impression that Zachary had been caught off guard by Marc’s vehemence although really, if Julian thought about it, they’d been building to this all evening.

  “Marc—” Zachary began.

  “No. It’s okay. He’s right, Zach.” Julian faced Zachary, eyes softening before turning back to Marc. The girls sat with their mouths tightly clamped, fingers fidgeting on the tabletop. “Zachary absolutely deserves better. Gonna try to live up to that. To him. Every day.”

  Something silently passed between him and Marc as their eyes stayed fixed. Julian hoped it was understanding or at least acceptance.

  Zachary looked on amazed before his lips twitched up. “Whoa. Marc, did you just give the classic ‘you hurt my best friend, I’ll kick your ass’ speech? Only, you know, in Marc-speak. Wow. Whuda thunk?” He smiled dimple deep. “Aww. Marc, you love me.”

  That broke the tension, and even Julian felt a chuckle escape.

  “Fuck you, Fierro,” Marc said, but the curse had no bite.

  Julian pressed his thigh against Zachary’s and whispered, “Later” just loud enough to be heard.

  Zachary blushed. Margaret giggled. Sophia burst into a throaty laugh. “Oh. I’m going to like you.” She leaned in to Margaret. “Do you think they’ll take videos?”

  This time both Julian and Zachary turned pink, and feminine laughter took over.

  LATER THAT evening, lying in bed after Julian made good on his restaurant promise, he sighed into Zachary’s mouth. “The only thing better than doing that to you. Is you doing that to me.”

  Zachary laughed. “Give me a few and I’ll see what I can do.”

  Julian perked up at that. “Yeah?”

  “Mmm. Not as old as you. Can go all night.”

  That earned him a very halfhearted punch. Sometimes Zachary could be such a prick. “Fuck you.”

  “Um. We did that already. Thought it was your turn?”

  In a rush, Julian rose up, resting a hand on each side of Zachary’s head as he held up his weight. His eyes were still dark, but the blue-gold was showing through. So beautiful. His body gleamed in a sheen of sweat from their very recent round. Eyes bored into him. “What if I wanted to fuck you again?” Julian asked.

  Zachary released a soft breath. “Fuck, you’re so hot when you get all toppy.” Zachary hitched up, letting their reigniting dicks touch slightly. Warm lips met his own. The thrusting continued, matching the movements of their tongues, their lips. Julian sighed because how could he be so turned-on again so soon, except he’d never known fire like he did with Zachary. The man really lived up to his surname.

  “Your friends are protective of you,” Julian whispered, mouth ghosting agains
t his ear.

  Zachary nodded.

  Julian continued, “Good. Should be. Never hurt you. Never. Love you so much.”

  “Me too. And I know you wouldn’t. Me neither. Trust me?”

  Julian stopped and met his eyes, his cock nudged against Zachary’s already relaxed ass. Zachary adjusted his legs, hitching his hips as Julian slid in. Zachary let out a slow moan as he was filled again, and they rocked slowly back and forth. Julian lowered himself, capturing Zachary’s lips again, Zachary’s dick trapped between their grinding bodies.

  It wasn’t until Zachary’s breathing was roadrunner fast and Julian reluctantly moved away to find something to clean them with that Julian realized he’d never really answered Zachary.

  Chapter 4

  TYPICAL FOR large class action suits, the Peterson case dragged on for more than a year. Julian and Zachary had killed a small forest’s worth with paperwork. After completing the depositions, they vacated the Ritz suite and returned to their office cubicles, although both Julian and Zachary spent virtually all of their time in Brian’s office as they worked to build the case. The close quarters made for some short tempers and quick flare-ups.

  “No, we went over that guy’s deposition six ways to Sunday, and he didn’t have any evidence,” Julian bellowed at Brian at the end of a particularly ridiculous day. He rose from his perch in front of Brian’s messy desk and paced the space.

  “I think we missed something,” Brian argued, moving back to the credenza where their most promising transcriptions were nested in boxes organized by Julian.

  If Julian tugged at his hair any harder, he’d start to go bald. Was he going bald? He suddenly wished he had a hand mirror to hold up to the large one in the men’s room. Blinking to clear his thoughts, he returned to task. “We missed nothing because he had nothing.” After flipping through the files on the desk frantically, he handed Brian another set of notes. “What about this woman? See where she talks about that research study and then…. Wait, where is it?” Pages ruffled like cornstalks in the wind. “Here. She suddenly switched and said she ‘had no recollection’ of the study.”

  Brian’s face brightened as he grabbed the notes from Julian. “Yes, let’s see if we can find other discrepancies about that research around the same date. Seems clear someone told them to forget about it.”

  “I’ll get on it,” Zachary replied.

  “No.” Brian faced Zachary and softened his tone. “No offense, but when it comes to finding these subtle differences, nobody spots them like our Jules. I’m going to have you busy enough now that the trial date’s getting closer.” Brian yawned, glancing at his watch. “Okay. We have to call it a night, eh?”

  “Yeah, just gonna get the files back in—”

  “I know. Can’t leave them a mess. Just, please don’t stay too late.” Brian turned to Zachary. “Get him out of here, will you?”

  Julian knew that Zachary wouldn’t directly intervene because Julian had a very particular filing system. Instead, he rubbed Julian’s shoulders and kissed his temples when they were alone. Between work and Zachary’s school load, it felt they barely ever managed a quick tumble before collapsing asleep, and Julian knew that wasn’t enough for either of them.

  On top of all that, in one week Julian and Zachary were coming up on that fateful year mark. Julian had never made it past that one before. Not that he had any reason to worry. Nope. That would be ridiculous, as Gabe had told him, and Nick had told him, and Zachary had tried to show him more times than he could imagine anyone would ever want to bother.

  They had been living together for the past five months. Zachary’s idea, of course. Julian had been terrified. Needed his anxiety pills twice a day for the better part of a week when they first discussed it.

  “I. Don’t. Look, it’s been okay as is. I mean, you spend the nights here lots, right? And when you… there might be times you need alone time. You know, not with me. And also Marc. You have Marc.”

  “I told Marc I wanted to move out.”

  “What?”

  “What what?”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Because I want to live with you. If I want to be alone, I’ll take a walk, and then I’ll have you to come back to. And that’s everything.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It is easy. Here or another apartment, Jules, what we have going on—this is it for me. Tell me now if that’s not the case for you.”

  Julian looked at Zachary for a long while, trying to understand what was happening behind his liquid eyes. Finally, Julian asked him firmly, “If I say no to us living together, are we over?”

  Zachary let out a distraught breath. “Jesus, how can you even ask me that?” Zachary’s voice hitched. “Do you really have no idea how much I love you?”

  Julian turned his head to avoid seeing how constricted the muscles of Zachary’s neck were. It took several moments before he blurted out the naked truth. “You’ll love me till you don’t. Then what happens? Then what do I do?”

  “What do you mean, till I don’t?” Zachary’s voice hardened with frustration, but Julian couldn’t help his fear, because that’s exactly what Julian’s ex-lovers had done. They told Julian they loved him. And one day, they just tossed him out of their lives.

  Zachary did his mind-reading trick. “No. It’s not going this way. I’m not arguing with you about this again. I’m not them. They never saw you the way I do. I know this with all that I am, and I’ll spend my life proving it. I love you so much I forget to fucking breathe. You are going to have to deal with me. Now. Tomorrow. Fucking forever. I’m not going anywhere. Whether we live together or not.”

  Julian’s breath hitched as puddles formed in Zachary’s impossible-to-define eyes. Zachary pulled him close and kissed him gently. Kissed the salty droplets that Julian knew were trickling down his own face.

  “You really want to move in?” Julian asked for lack of anything else to say; only this time he was smiling despite his pounding heart.

  Now, finally home from the office and cuddling in bed with Zachary, it seemed silly to even think about anything changing from month eleven to month twelve.

  Yet… “Zach?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Let’s not…. I know it’s stupid. But I don’t want to make a big deal out of our anniversary.” He and Tyler had blown up at just about a year. David hit the one-year date on the spot, used it as his reason—was a good time to reevaluate things. And Spenser announced he’d met Trish a few days short of their one-year anniversary. All had been the same, absolutely no warning. Things were fine, and then they were broken up, like one of those freak accidents when a construction beam falls on an unfortunate pedestrian.

  The minute the words were out, Julian regretted saying them. He never should have brought it up again. Practically one of the only things that could really tick off Zachary was discussion of Julian’s exes. And it wasn’t like Julian didn’t grasp how no boyfriend would want to keep having that conversation. Except he couldn’t really keep anything from Zachary; it would just come out. Maybe that was the problem. After a while the culmination of all of Julian’s brain dumps made the other person realize that they’d made this huge mistake.

  Zachary turned over to prop himself up on his elbow, one finger lazily tracing Julian’s jawline. “I fucking adore you. It’s not going to shut off at random. Love doesn’t have an expiration date.” After that declaration Zachary snuggled closer and by the rhythmic pace of his breathing, he was already dozing off.

  Trying to rest but still feeling wired, Julian chastised himself. He really needed to stop talking about their upcoming anniversary. It had to be aggravating. Of course it was. Maybe just having that conversation enough times would make Zachary so sick of Julian he’d want to end it?

  The following night Zachary came home late from class. His cell had gone to voicemail and he hadn’t rung back. Julian had thought of going to bed, but after staring at the empty space where Zacha
ry wouldn’t be, he changed his mind and returned to the sofa. He spent some time holding the remote, but the TV never went on. He tried to recall any other time Zachary hadn’t responded to a voice message, but nothing came to mind.

  As the time crept by, Julian’s imagination got wilder. What if Zachary met a fellow student who shared Zachary’s passion for the law? A better match. He knew how oddball they were, Julian with his reserve and hesitation and flighty wanderings. Compared to Zachary’s tenaciousness, drive, and certainty. By the time the door creaked open, Julian had left indentations in his palms from squeezing his fingernails into them too hard.

  “Hey,” Zachary mumbled tiredly, putting down his messenger bag near the door.

  “Where’ve you been?” Ugh. That wasn’t what Julian wanted to say. Well. Yeah, it was. But he’d convinced himself not to say it first thing.

  “Sorry, babe, I had to talk to my professor.”

  Julian’s higher order brain shouted, let it go, let it go, let it go. His amphibian brain had other ideas. “Oh. I called, but you didn’t call back.”

  “Phone’s dead. I’m sorry I worried you.”

  Julian flushed. He hadn’t been worried in the way Zachary thought. What kind of creepy, awful boyfriend was he that he hadn’t thought something bad had happened but rather that maybe Zachary was doing something he shouldn’t? And that wasn’t even it—he hadn’t believed any cheating was going on—more that someone more interesting than Julian had captivated Zachary.

  “What?” Zachary asked, standing over Julian.

  “What what?”

  Usually their word game made Zachary smile, but this time it seemed more of a grimace. “Were you sitting here afraid I was out with my other boyfriend?”