by Barbara Gee
I laughed bitterly. “Oh, he was falling all over himself apologizing when I confronted him at the time—after the girl he cheated with showed up at the bank and told me everything. He said he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. The only problem with that story is I had never seen him take so much as a sip of alcohol. To buy the claim that he was blackout drunk would’ve been a real stretch.”
“He said he blacked out?” Ava asked, her brows shooting up again.
“No, he just said he was drunk. But at your wedding he said he didn’t remember anything, so I assume he’s claiming to have blacked out.”
“He said he doesn’t remember anything?”
“Stop repeating me,” I said, irritated. “It doesn’t matter what he said. His excuses don’t change the fact that he had sex with another woman while he was in a relationship with me.”
“Yeah…..I guess,” she said, not looking convinced. “I just—I still think you should talk to him. Say everything you need to say and let him do the same. Maybe you can clear the air and at least get to the point where you can be civil.”
I grunted. “I don’t want to be civil. I don’t want to see him at all.”
Ava’s voice was gentle, her eyes sad. “You don’t have to see him, but you have to forgive him, Myla. Somehow. You have to let go of the bitterness. You’ll never heal if you don’t.”
I bristled at her words. “Do you think I haven’t tried?” I burst out. “Do you think I want to be so miserable and broken? Don’t you think I’d forgive him and let go of it if I could?”
“Why can’t you?” Ava pressed, reaching out to take one of my hands between hers, her blue eyes warm and concerned. “Why can’t you forgive him?”
I looked at her, my best friend, and I told her the truth. “Because it’s his fault that I’m still in love with a man who never really existed. He showed me what it’s like to find your soul mate, a man no one else can compare to, and then he took him away from me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Ava whispered. “I understand how lost you must have felt.”
“Lost and utterly empty. I know I’ll never love like that again, and yes, I’ve tried. I’ve tried hard. I thought maybe Derek would come close, but seeing JP again ruined that too.” I felt the burn of tears and blinked against them. “I also tried to learn from my mistakes. I never slept with JP because I wanted to wait for marriage. That was important to me and he assured me he was okay with it. But when I found out what he’d done, I thought maybe that’s what drove him to Haley’s bed. Maybe he was sexually frustrated and couldn’t hold out when temptation struck.”
“So….when you say you learned from your mistakes…?” Ava prompted, looking worried.
I shrugged, embarrassed but determined to put it all out there. “I figured the best way to get over JP was to spend time with other guys. So that’s what I did. Lots of them. I slept with most of them, too, because otherwise they’d look elsewhere, right? My whole first year in the service consisted of working hard during the week and partying every weekend. I was a very popular girl at my first base, let me tell you.”
“Oh, Myla.”
She sounded so sad and I hated it. I was tired of being the girl everyone pitied. “Don’t feel sorry for me,” I said, tossing my head defiantly. “It is what it is. I learned a lot, let me tell you. Had some fun times.”
“Don’t give me that, Myla Garret,” Ava said firmly. “Don’t act like it doesn’t bother you because I know it does. I also know you didn’t find what you were looking for. Not like that.”
“Of course I didn’t,” I said, attacking the second box of dishes. “I was just lashing out. Trying to forget who I was because I didn’t want to be the woman who couldn’t keep her man.”
Ava handed me a knife to slice through the packing tape I couldn’t pry loose. “I get that. I’m just saying I know you have regrets, so don’t pretend you don’t. Not with me.” When I didn’t respond, she cleared her throat and asked her next question. “You said that was your first year. What happened after that?”
“I got deployed. Spent six months in the desert. I was in intel so I didn’t see combat, but my job was uncovering threats to our teams over there, and it was scary and exhausting. There was a lot of pressure on us. I didn’t care about dating or partying anymore. I just wanted safety for our troops, cool showers, and my bed.”
“I can’t even imagine what that was like,” Ava said quietly.
I shrugged and carried a box of silverware over to a drawer. “It wasn’t as bad as what a lot of people face, but it took its toll. Changed my perspective. When I got back to the States I was content to do my job and spend my downtime either alone or with a few close friends. I already knew partying wouldn’t get JP out of my system, so there wasn’t any use to keep it up.”
“What about your relationship with God?” Ava asked. “You said you haven’t been going to church, but did you find your way back to God after the deployment?”
I shook my head, wishing I could say yes. “I turned my back not only on JP and Hidden Creek, but on everything I’d ever valued. And certainly on God. I’m still carrying a lot of guilt for all that.” I gave her a wry smile. “But I assume you already guessed that.”
“Because I know you,” she said, smiling back. “I also know the best way to get rid of that burden is to talk it over with Jesus. You know that too, so what are you waiting for?”
I sighed, loading my silverware into its tray while tamping down the desire to change the subject. Talking about my heartbreak and spiritual struggles made me feel raw and exposed and I hated it. Especially because I knew Ava couldn’t relate. But I also knew she cared about me and was only trying to help, and after all these years the conversation was way past due. So I pushed through.
“It sounds a lot easier than it is. I know about grace and forgiveness. I know He meets us wherever we are and we aren’t supposed to feel unworthy. I know that. But I also know that in return I have to let go of my anger and bitterness. That means forgiving JP, but I can’t seem to do that. Deep down I’m not sure I want to, because being angry at him is how I’ve coped for so long. It’s how I protect myself from the hurt. And I don’t feel right praying to God for forgiveness when I can’t give it myself.”
“So it’s easier to stay away from church and everything else that reminds you of what you lost,” Ava surmised.
“Exactly, and for almost four years I’ve felt like I lost everything. My man, my faith, my home, my family and friends. It was only when I realized I could finally come back home that I felt myself starting to heal just the tiniest bit.” I choked back an unexpected sob. “I hope it’s a sign that there’s more to come. I really hope that, Ava, because I don’t want to be a miserable shell of a person anymore. Maybe I’ll never fall in love again, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy and fulfilled, right?” I gave a short, sad laugh. “Please say I’m right. I really need to feel some hope right now.”
“Of course you’re right,” she said quickly and fervently. “Moving back here was exactly the right choice. It’s a new start in your old town. You’re going to be an amazing teacher, and you will be happy, Myla, I know it.” She smiled, but it soon faded and she looked concerned again.
“But?” I asked, because it was obvious there was more she wanted to say.
“You need to spend time praying and reading your Bible. You say you can’t forgive JP, and you’re right, you can’t—not on your own. But with God’s help, you can get there. I believe that with all my heart.”
I groaned. “I wish I was as sure.”
She bit her lip, studying me. “Did JP go to church when you were together?”
I shook my head. “No. I dragged him with me once and he was so uncomfortable I didn’t have the heart to make him go back.”
Ava leaned back against the counter again. “I don’t know if you’ll want to hear this, but he goes now. To Horizon Christian. Jude and I mostly go to the Methodist church, but we’re
in a life group from Horizon and we meet every Thursday night. JP’s in the group.” She looked at me earnestly. “He’s a committed Christian now, Myla.”
“Or so he says,” I muttered, feeling a new surge of anger.
“He couldn’t fake it. There’s no way.”
I slammed the drawer shut. “Well good for him. Now he’s the golden boy. But that doesn’t change what he did.”
Ava frowned, frustrated by my ambivalence. “No, of course it doesn’t. But maybe now he truly is the man you thought he was before he cheated.”
My jaw dropped and I felt my face flushing as emotion surged through me. “So I should not only forgive him, but actually give him another chance?” I shook my head in disbelief. “Please tell me that’s not what you’re saying.”
She put her hands on her hips and looked at me defiantly. “Actually that’s exactly what I’m saying.” Her eyes narrowed and her chin jutted. I knew that look—she was going to say her piece whether I liked it or not. Turns out I didn’t.
“I’m just going to put it all on the table, okay?” She didn’t wait for my consent. “I’ve spent a lot of time with JP these last few months. He was in a terrible accident and had to live with Jude for a while and we got pretty close. I’ve seen how he reacts whenever I mention you. He tries to hide it, but it’s there plain as day. Jude and I both see it. He’s not over you, girlfriend, not by a long shot. I’m sure part of it is guilt, but I don’t think that’s all of it. He has so much regret, and I think it’s because he still loves you. I don’t think he ever stopped.”
I shook my head in denial. “No way. He couldn’t have loved me and slept with another girl. It’s not possible. And there’s no way he’s pining over me now. I’m sure he’s had a dozen different girlfriends since I left. Ones who were eager to give him what I didn’t.”
“No, he hasn’t. He hasn’t even had one girlfriend,” she said triumphantly, as if that proved her point.
“That you know of,” I said, trying to ignore the fact that my heart had given a painful roll at her words.
“That anyone knows of. Unless he had one when he was in Central America, but I don’t think so. He’s never mentioned anyone, and there wouldn’t be any reason not to.”
“Wait, he was in Central America?” I asked, squinting at her.
She pointed at me accusingly. “You aren’t the only one who had to flee from the memories, Myla.”
And then she told me about JP’s eighteen months of bridge building in the arroyos of Central America. According to Jude, JP had become really withdrawn after I left Hidden Creek. He went through the motions of work and family obligations, but he wasn’t himself. His family figured it had to be because of what happened between him and me, but he wouldn’t talk about it.
They thought he just needed time and space to get over it, but he’d never really bounced back. Eventually they’d become used to the new JP, or Jed, as his family calls him. Thus they’d been really surprised when a year and a half later he’d announced he was taking an extended leave of absence from work to join a group of engineers whose mission was to build bridges in Central America, in places where remote villages were completely cut off from schools, stores, and medical facilities when the rainy season hit. He left within a week and hadn’t returned until six months ago.
“And I suppose he was this wonderful, brand-new man when he got back,” I said sarcastically when Ava finished. “JP Keller 2.0.”
“I don’t know what he was like before, so I couldn’t say,” Ava replied, undaunted by my bitter response. “But Jude said he was definitely better. Not as quiet and moody. It was really good for them to spend so much time together after the accident. They got to know each other again.”
I asked about the accident and she began telling me how it had happened and how badly JP had been injured. I had to turn away and busy myself with stacking dishes in the cabinets so she wouldn’t see how it affected me to hear about it. He could have died.
When she was done describing his injuries I picked up another stack of dishes, trying to gather myself before I spoke. “I had no idea,” I finally managed. “I’m glad he’s okay.”
She gave me a knowing, almost smug smile. “Of course you are. You love him.”
Her words burned through me, making me angry and defensive once again. Ava was a master at picking my mental scabs.
“No, I don’t,” I insisted, closing a cabinet door too hard. “I love who I thought he was. The fictional JP Keller. I love a man who doesn’t exist.”
“Myla. Look at me.”
I rolled my eyes at her bossy tone—which I’d heard many times over the years, usually when I was being stubborn. “I’d prefer not to,” I said.
She walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder. “Look at me, girlfriend.”
I sighed loudly and turned to face her, my brows raised in resignation as I waited for whatever words of wisdom she was determined to impart.
“I know you have a lot on your plate right now, but at some point you’re going to have to put on your big-girl pants and face JP. You’re both different people than you were four years ago. Don’t you think it’s worth clearing the air and maybe finding out if the timing is right for you now?”
I knew her heart was in the right place and that kept me from going off on her, but the girl was dreaming. I reached out and gave her chin an affectionate squeeze, just like her Grandma Gwen used to do to us.
“You’re a hopeless romantic, Ava. You’re seeing possibilities where there aren’t any.”
She was undeterred. “Please, Myla. Tell me you’ll do it.”
“I can’t,” I said regretfully. “I won’t make you a promise I can’t keep.”
Her face fell. “Will you at least think about it?”
I gave her a sideways look. “You mean in between getting settled in here, becoming a rock-star substitute teacher, and getting my teaching credentials updated so I can get a permanent position next school year? Sure, I’ll think about it.”
“You’re being sarcastic, but I’m going to hold you to it,” Ava declared. “And now I have to go. Jude’s parents invited us for dinner.”
I was actually glad to hear she was leaving. I was all talked out. Beyond talked out. I needed peace and quiet and time to myself.
“Can you handle the rest of the unpacking?” she asked.
I laughed. “It’s just these few boxes and my clothes and bathroom stuff. Renting a furnished house is the best.”
Ava gave me a quick hug. “And it saves me from having to get rid of my stuff. Win-win.”
“Have a fun dinner. See you soon.”
“Let me know if you need me to come back tomorrow. Bye, Myla. I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Me too. Thanks again for the house.”
She left, and then it was just me. Which is exactly what I thought I wanted, but five minutes later I called my mom and asked if she wanted to come help me unpack the rest of my stuff. I desperately needed the distraction because all I could think about was Ava saying JP still loved me.
Which couldn’t be true—it was just the incurable romantic in Ava. Yet I couldn’t get the words out of my head.
Not that it mattered either way. I would never set myself up for that kind of heartbreak again.
Chapter 5
T
ime passed quickly in Hidden Creek. Before I knew it, I’d been there a month. A busy, crazy, happy month, and for me, that’s really saying something. I was loving Grandma Gwen’s house and spending time with Mom and Dad and my brother’s family, and of course Ava and Whitney. I was also an official substitute teacher at Harrison Elementary School, and that was indescribably exciting for me.
Although my life’s path so far didn’t show it, I’d wanted to be a teacher since kindergarten. Ever since I knew what a teacher was. I wasn’t one of the college students who changed their major five times before graduating. I went in as an education major, and I graduated with that major. True, I g
ot sidetracked with that high-paying job at the bank, but that was solely for financial reasons and I’d always intended it to be a temporary thing. A couple of years didn’t seem like a long time to wait if it took the pressure off me financially.
Then my life had gone off the rails and I never got to the teaching as planned. Until now. I was subbing an average of three days a week, and it was everything I’d hoped it would be. It was also a world away from my intelligence job in the army. That work had been important and I was honored to do it, but it could also be dark and depressing. People can be so evil. Teaching kindergarten-through-fifth-grade children—even when they weren’t happy about being in school—was a nice change from that.
Settling back into small-town life was also going pretty well. I’d expected to feel like gossip fodder, with everyone speculating about how I was doing and why I’d finally returned home.
Is she over JP? Is she hoping to win him back?
I thought I’d catch people staring and whispering, but that hadn’t happened. Not even once. Every time I ran into someone I knew, which was basically every time I made a trip into town, I’d felt nothing but warmth and welcome. It was pretty incredible, and after a month I was feeling more content than I’d been in a long time. Way more.
I’d also been able to spend Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in years, and that had been so good. My two-year-old nephew, Alex, was a joy, and I was finally beginning to feel like a real aunt.
Of course my dear friend Ava wasn’t about to let me get too complacent. On my fourth Saturday back she called and told me she and Jude were going to pick me up for church in the morning. I told her don’t bother, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer.
“It’s almost Christmas,” she said. “You need to come and celebrate the reason for the season. It’s time, Myla.”
To my surprise I found myself agreeing, and Sunday morning saw me dressed and ready, wearing a soft, coral-colored cashmere sweater and slim-fitting black pants tucked into black boots. I hadn’t had much of a chance to wear boots in Arizona, and these had been one of my first purchases since moving back.
