My Heart is Home

by Barbara Gee

  “Yeah.” I stared out the window, deciding I might as well face the inevitable. Before I could change my mind I said, “I guess we’re gonna have to talk at some point, huh? Otherwise we’ll always be dancing around the important stuff.”

  He laughed softly. “And I’m not much for dancing.”

  “I remember.” JP was actually a good dancer, but he hated it.

  “I won’t push you,” he said. “I’ve waited this long, I can wait until you’re ready.”

  I swallowed hard. “I might need a little pushing. It’s been four years and I still don’t feel ready.”

  He glanced at me, then looked back at the road. “Just so you know, I didn’t invite you along today so I could corner you in my truck. I just wanted to see you again and Janna gave me an excuse.”

  I fiddled with the ruby ring on my finger as I gathered my courage. Almost without thinking I silently formed a prayer. Give me the words, Lord. Please. And the strength to speak them.

  I cleared my throat nervously. “If we’re really going to do this, I need to start by apologizing to you.”

  He looked over again, his brows drawn into a frown. “You need to apologize?” He sounded confused. “For what?”

  “For getting so caught up in my own hurt and anger that I didn’t give you a chance to tell me your side of things. I should have talked to you before I left town—or signed you onto the base.”

  He checked the rearview mirror, then flipped on his right turn signal and pulled off the road a safe distance before stopping. He turned his upper body toward me, his arm along the back of the seat.

  When he spoke his voice was soft but intense. “I told you before that I understand why you reacted the way you did, and I mean that. But yeah, I would’ve liked for you to hear me out. I don’t know if it would’ve done any good, but it was awful knowing you only heard Haley’s version, which I knew had to be exaggerated and misleading—” He broke off and shook his head. “It tore me up when you wouldn’t answer my calls or respond to my texts or emails. And then you were gone. I didn’t expect that. I thought your mom was lying to me when I showed up at their house asking for you.”

  I looked down at my hands, feeling worse than ever. The truth was, I’d never really considered the possibility that he’d been hurting as much as me. I figured since he cheated, he must not care all that much. Sure, he’d come to Arizona twice, but in my mind he was already the bad guy and it was easy to believe that he was simply trying to salvage his pride. I assumed he’d make excuses, maybe even try to convince me it was somehow my fault. That’s why I hadn’t signed him in.

  Now I saw all too clearly that my own pride had been the bigger culprit.

  He went on. “I figured once you calmed down we could work it out. I was sure you’d want to at least try. And then all of a sudden you were gone. I sent texts every day for the first month after you finished boot camp. Did you even read them?”

  I shook my head. “I blocked you on my phone a few days after Haley showed up.”

  “Why, Myla? Wasn’t what we had important enough to fight for?”

  His voice was low and rough and it ripped me apart all over again. I longed for a do-over, but I was stuck with the way things were. All I could do now was be completely honest with him.

  “Before that last day,” I began, trying to keep my voice from shaking, “I didn’t think there was anything that could tear us apart. You were my world. When I pictured my future, it was with you. Always with you. And then Haley showed up and took it all away.”

  I let out a long breath, twisting my hands together. This was even more painful than I’d expected, but I forced myself to go on. “When you admitted you slept with her, I assumed it meant whatever love you had for me was already fading, and I had no desire to stick around and watch your feelings die completely. I knew I couldn’t handle that.”

  JP wiped a hand down the side of his face, his fingers rasping along the stubble on his jaw. “You really thought that was going to happen?”

  “At the time, yes.” I gave him a sad smile. “I might not be as logical and smart as you think.”

  A corner of his mouth ticked up, then fell. “I know you felt completely betrayed, Myla, but how—I just don’t know how you could think it was possible for me to be crazy, out-of-my-mind in love with you one day and on the prowl with an old high school girlfriend the next. You knew me better than that.”

  I clenched my teeth, fighting the prickle of tears because I didn’t want to pull the crying girl card. “That’s just it, JP. I thought I knew you, but the man I knew would never do that to me. Not in a million years. When I confronted you and saw the guilt in your eyes, then heard you say it was true that you were with her and you’d kept it from me, I realized I didn’t know you after all. It was devastating. After that, all I could think about was running. I felt like a big part of my heart died that day and I had to get away and save what was left.”

  JP faced straight ahead again and ground his palms into his eyes. “This is so messed up, Myla. So messed up.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.”

  “Nah, it’s my fault,” he said raggedly, his head falling back against the seat. “I mean, yeah, I wish you hadn’t left town without hearing me out, but ultimately, everything that happened is my fault. I put myself in a bad situation at that reunion and I’ll own up to that.” He turned his face toward me, his blue eyes bleak. “I’m the one who needs to apologize. I knew that from the beginning and I did try. But then I gave up and I shouldn’t have. So I’ll say it now while you’re giving me the chance. I’m so sorry, Myla. That was true four years ago and it’s no less true now. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

  My throat ached and it was all I could do to get the words out. “I wish I’d been brave enough to talk to you then. Everything could have turned out so differently.”

  He shifted sideways again, his intense gaze holding mine. “Just tell me you believe me when I say that what happened that night didn’t mean my feelings for you had changed. That was the hardest thing for me to deal with. That you left thinking I didn’t love you enough.”

  I wanted to believe him. I needed to. But I’d believed something far different for so long and it wasn’t easy to just set it aside.

  “I still don’t understand how it happened,” I said softly.

  He shook his head slowly. “Neither do I, and yes, I do know how inadequate that sounds. But all the excuses in the world don’t change the fact that it happened. I know that too.”

  I swallowed hard, toying with my ring, not looking at him. “There’s a part of me that would rather believe it was a conscious decision on your part,” I admitted after a brief silence.

  “Why?” His voice held confusion and disbelief.

  Overwhelming regret had me once again blinking back tears. “Because if you’re telling the truth…if you didn’t sleep with Haley because your feelings for me had changed, then I have to face the fact that I lost the best thing in my life solely because I was too proud—or too stubborn—to try to save it.”

  I heard him sigh and risked a glance his way. A muscle jumped in his jaw before he spoke. “Like I said, it’s messed up,” he said heavily. “Hindsight and all that, right? But I have to say, it’s a relief to clear the air a little bit.” He paused and then held out a hand to me. I took it without hesitation, the feel of it still so familiar. “I know one conversation doesn’t heal all wounds, but it feels good to finally have it.”

  I looked down at our joined hands and nodded. “It was a long time coming.”

  His thumb rubbed across my knuckles. “It’s not why I asked you to come along, though. I was hoping to show you I’m still kinda fun to hang out with. So how about we switch gears and spend the rest of the day in the here-and-now instead of rehashing the past?”

  “I’d like that, but can I say one more thing before we make the switch?”

  “Of course.”

  I raised my head again, looking him in
the eyes. “The way I coped with our breakup was by hanging on to my anger. I guess that was easier than admitting that my pride might have played a role. The anger became my life-line and I kept it fresh by convincing myself you’d played me. That you weren’t the man I thought you were.” I held onto his hand tighter and managed a smile. “I’m pretty sure I was wrong about that.”

  His gaze held mine. “I’m far from a perfect man, but I wasn’t playing you, Myla. Not for a second.”

  I believed him, and tears pricked the backs of my eyes. “Will you get mad if I apologize again?”

  He gave a slow smile that made my breath catch. “Mmm hmm.”

  I bit back a smile of my own. “Okay, just know I wish nothing but the best for you, JP.”

  “I wish the same for you.” His eyes were warm as he released my hand and reached for the button to start his truck. It rumbled to life and I couldn’t help but think how perfect the big truck was for him.

  “Think we can coexist in the same room when it’s called for now?” I asked, attempting to lighten the mood a bit.

  He chuckled and pulled back onto the road to Caldwell. “If we can coexist in my truck, a room will be no problem.”

  I grinned. “Ava will be so relieved.”

  Chapter 11

  “T

  here, over in the corner,” Janna hissed. “That’s the FBI guy I was telling you and Jed about earlier.”

  I raised my brows. “The one who’s wants Find Your Rest to branch out and take on sex trafficking victims?”

  “Yeah. He thinks we should use this house for that.”

  I casually turned my head and located the man she was referring to. Then I quickly looked back at Janna, my brows now raised sky-high.

  “Geez, Janna, you failed to mention he’s smokin’ hot,” I teased. “And young. I was picturing a fifty-year-old in a black suit.”

  She smiled sheepishly. “Of course I didn’t mention the hotness, Jed was sitting right there.”

  I chuckled. “So…I assume Mr. FBI is single?”

  “He is, and no I didn’t ask. One of my staff did.”

  “So what’s he doing here?”

  "He’s one of the volunteers helping with the renovations. He comes pretty often.”

  “Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t mind having a whole bunch more volunteers who look like FBI guy,” I said with a grin. “Assuming he actually knows what he’s doing.”

  She looked over at him again, her gaze lingering. “Oh, he does, trust me. We’re lucky to have him, and it’s kinda crazy how it all worked out. He presented to our board a couple weeks ago with a group of people who are really passionate about rescuing trafficking victims. After the meeting we brought the group over to see the house. Turns out he’s flipped a few houses with his brother, and he offered to help out here when he has the time.”

  I could tell Janna wanted to look over at him again, but she resisted. “He must have come with Lucas Benny, one of our board members. They’re good friends. I told Lucas Jed was coming today, and he wanted to stop by and talk to him. I guess he thought Special Agent Beckett Foster should come too.”

  “Ooo, that’s his name?” I asked. “I like it. It suits him.”

  I looked back again and saw that Agent Foster and another man had joined JP in the middle of what was presently the dining room. JP had his hands on his hips as they talked, emphasizing his wide shoulders and narrow waist, and I couldn’t seem to pull my eyes away.

  Janna snapped her fingers in front of my face and giggled when I jumped.

  “You’re so obvious, Myla. You two are gonna get back together, you know that, right?”

  I folded my arms and turned my back on JP. “No, I don’t know that. And neither do you.”

  She playfully shook her finger at me. “You can’t fool me. You look at him exactly the way you did back then. With your heart in your eyes, as they say.”

  “That doesn’t mean we’re getting back together,” I said, a little embarrassed that she’d caught me.”

  “He looks at you that way too,” she stated smugly.

  I groaned. Janna was nothing if not persistent. “I don’t know about that, but I will say we had a good talk on the way here.”

  “And?” she prompted eagerly.

  “There’s no ‘and.’ Not the kind you’re hinting at anyway. We both got some things off our chests and I think we’re in a pretty good place. That’s it.”

  Janna gave me a look of disbelief. “Seriously, Myla? You’re okay with simply being in a good place?”

  “Well, it’s way better than where we were.”

  She shook her head slowly. “It’s not enough. I don’t think you and Jed can ever be just casual friends.”

  “No, probably not,” I admitted, wondering how I came to be having this conversation twice in one day. “There’s too much there for us to be pals, but I sure would like to get to the point where I don’t feel completely wrecked every time I see him. Even if that’s all the farther things go, I’ll be grateful.”

  “I still say it’s not enough,” Janna said softly. “You still love him.”

  I shrugged one shoulder and decided there was no point in denying it. “Maybe, but it’s an old love. For the twenty-eight-year-old JP.” I glanced over my shoulder at him, then smirked at Janna. “The only thing I really know about the thirty-two-year-old version is that he’s even more gorgeous than before. And that’s saying something.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Ew. That’s my brother you’re talking about. But seriously, things can’t have changed that much.”

  “Wrong. I certainly have. Even if JP and I decide to try for more, we might not click the way we did before.”

  She gave me a wide, knowing grin. “Oh, you’ll click. You’re already clicking, trust me.”

  I folded my arms and gave her a stern look. “Whatever, Janna. How about you concentrate on the FBI guy and let me worry about JP and me?”

  The three men started walking toward the stairs, and she watched them pensively. “I don’t think me concentrating on Beckett Foster is such a good idea. To tell you the truth, he scares me. His eyes are—well, they’re blueish-greenish and totally amazing—but they’re also kind of hard and haunted. Like he’s seen a lot of tough things.”

  “Considering his line of work, that’s highly possible.”

  “Yeah.” Janna hunched her shoulders. “Like I said, he scares me. I think I’ll steer clear.”

  “We’ll see about that,” I said, and this time I was the one wearing the knowing grin.

  ***

  Janna had to take a phone call so I wandered through the house by myself for a while. It was a beautiful old Victorian, four large bedrooms upstairs and two down. It had definitely seen better days, but I didn’t think it would take a complete gut job to make it habitable. Then again, I was far from an expert.

  I caught up with the men upstairs, then stood back and listened as they discussed how they could add another bathroom up there. I might not be an expert, but JP sure was. The other two men asked question after question, and he answered them all while giving suggestions I never would have thought of. I was basically mesmerized, and I wasn’t the only one; Lucas Benny was hanging on JP’s every word. Janna’s FBI guy was harder to read, but there was definitely respect there.

  JP caught my eye and smiled on the way to another room. Considering the way my heart reacted, I decided I needed a little distance. I went back downstairs to see if Janna was off the phone.

  We stayed at the house another half hour, then went to a café just down the street to grab coffee with Janna before heading home. I was glad for the delay because the drive home had me worried. I was already on JP overload—seeing him in action at the house had made me even more aware of the intense attraction I felt for him. I was going to do my best to keep it hidden, but it was a long drive and JP was a pretty perceptive guy. It would probably become as obvious to him as it had been to Janna.

  As we sipped our coffees I c
ame up with a list of “safe” topics that I could bring up, and as soon as we got on the road I started telling some funny stories of things that had happened at school. Being a novice teacher ensured that there were plenty of surprises in the classroom, and he seemed to enjoy hearing about them.

  After that I asked about the bridges he’d built in Central America. He talked willingly about his time there, describing the challenges of trying to build lasting structures in the undeveloped areas where materials were hard to find and harder to transport. I could tell it had been fulfilling work, in spite of the frustrations, and I was proud of his willingness to serve. And a little in awe of him. Again.

  The conversation continued to flow, and the drive came to an end too soon. As we drove through Hidden Creek, I wondered what he was thinking. We’d come a long way toward accomplishing our goal of peaceful coexistence and that was huge. But did he yearn for more, like me?

  “Thanks for asking me to go along,” I told him when we pulled into my drive. “I can see why Janna is so excited about that house.”

  He nodded. “It’s a good, solid structure and should serve them well. Now they just need to decide how they want to use it. Talking to Beckett was a real eye-opener. I had no idea trafficking is such a problem right here in our own state.”

  “Do you think he’s personally involved in the rescues?” I asked.

  “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

  He parked in front of my house and got out, and all of a sudden I realized I didn’t know what came next. Was I supposed to invite him in? We’d just had coffee, so I couldn’t use that as a reason, but it seemed kind of callous to just say thanks again and send him away.

  He helped me down from the truck and just then my Christmas lights came on, thanks to the handy timer I’d found at the Hidden Creek hardware store.

  JP looked over at them and smiled. “How long are you going to keep them up?”

  “Maybe year-round,” I said, grinning.

  “Not sure the neighbors would like that. Christmas lights after mid-January are considered tacky. Or so my mom says.”