“I know,” I said. I swallowed hard. The lump was like a piece of glass scratching down my throat. “I know. She’ll survive this. Right now, she’s just asking for you. I don’t think she ever… it doesn’t matter. Thank you for being able to help out.”
“Of course,” Axel said. “I know things…” he sighed. “Just, uh, let me know, okay? I’ll be there. I’ll hang out with her. Talk to her. Find a way to make her laugh. Whatever she needs to feel human again, I guess.”
“Okay. I’ll let you know tomorrow. I’m not going to bother her right now. I’m hoping she’ll sleep all night.”
There was a slight pause. A horrible silence.
“Hey,” Axel finally said. “What about you? Are you okay?”
The question shook me to my core. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had asked me that question. I was stuck with no words for a few seconds, nodding, even though Axel couldn’t see me.
“I’m okay,” I finally said.
It seemed like the easy and right thing to say.
I wasn’t on the phone with him to catch up on things.
No way.
“Okay,” he said. “I’ll let you go then. I’ll talk to you later, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I’ll let you know.”
“Have a good night.”
“You too, Axel.”
I started to move the phone away from my ear.
“Hey… it’s good to hear your voice.”
“Right,” I said.
“It’s been a while,” he said. “Just… just have a good night.”
“You already said that.”
“I did. Talk to you soon.”
“Yup,” I said.
The call ended.
Without even so much as a goodbye.
That was sort of the norm for us though. Amazing how one quick call could bring all the memories back.
I put the phone on the table and felt my heart racing.
There was one simple question that always burned brighter than the others.
What happened?
There was no true answer to that question. And searching for the answer was a long and lonely road.
I had to avoid that road at all costs.
I spotted Stacy’s bag on the counter and I licked my lips. I wasn’t exactly snooping, but just trying to find something.
And find something I did.
Five minutes later, I sat on a chair which I’d taken into my bedroom. I had the window open and took a deep drag on a cigarette. I leaned forward out the window and exhaled, the taste was freaking horrible. My lungs were burning. My throat was throbbing in pain.
But I couldn’t stop.
That was the hardest part of everything…
Once it all started, it was damn near impossible to stop.
Four
*PRESENT DAY*
AXEL
1.
“Heard you’re the top dog for the new shop,” Prick said as he rubbed his jaw.
“Who the fuck told you that?” I asked.
“Come on,” he said with a laugh. “Nobody keeps their mouth shut around here.”
The back door swung open and Sawyer came out, running a hand through his hair.
“Damn, you look rough,” Prick said.
“Try looking in a mirror,” Sawyer said. “That’s rough.”
“I’m usually face down in some woman’s sweet desire,” Prick said.
“You know, if I decide to do this,” I said, “you’re not allowed in the new shop.”
Prick laughed. “Why? Worried I’ll steal all the action?”
“Oh, brother, I would never feel threatened by you,” I said. “You’re a novelty act, Prick. If a woman is interested in you, it’s just out of curiosity.”
“And it ends in regret,” Sawyer added.
“But you’re forgetting the most important part,” Prick said, not bothered that we were picking on him.
“And what’s that?” I asked.
“I always get off,” he said. He smiled from ear to ear.
“Does anyone ever call you back?” Sawyer asked.
“Why would I want that?” Prick asked.
I laughed. “You have to give it to him. He’s got balls.”
“Okay, I don’t want to think about Prick’s balls or his process of getting laid,” Sawyer said.
“You two brought it up,” Prick said. “I was just asking Axel about the new shop.”
Sawyer eyed me. One eyebrow slowly lifted.
“What?” I asked.
“Just curious about what you’re thinking,” Sawyer said.
“I’m thinking that you two should mind your own damn business.”
“I own the place,” Sawyer said. “There is no mind your own damn business.”
“How’s Kate?” I asked.
“Look at him trying to change the subject,” Prick said.
“Fuck you both,” I said. “Fuck this place for not being able to keep shit quiet.”
“Hey,” Sawyer said. “This was a collective decision.”
“Meaning what?” I asked.
“Meaning we were all in on it,” Prick said. “Tate and Sawyer talked to everyone here.”
I looked at Sawyer.
“Nothing is hidden here,” Sawyer said. “That’s how we do things. If you want to head up the new shop, it’s yours. You’d be perfect for it.”
“I’ve got enough to worry about right now,” I said.
“Like what?” Prick asked. “You drink, fuck, sleep, wake up… repeat.”
“What a life,” Sawyer said.
“You had that life, brother,” I said. “Then you came wiggling back in to play stepdaddy and now you’ve got Kate pregnant.”
Sawyer grabbed my shoulder. “Yeah, but it’s the greatest fucking ride of my life right now.”
“Good for you,” I said. “My ex called me and I need to help her with something.”
“Ex,” Prick said.
“Wife,” I added.
“Oh, shit,” Prick said.
“Everything okay?” Sawyer asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “Just have to help out with something.”
“Don’t get lost in the past, Axel,” Prick said. “It’s scary back there, you know? Looks good. Tempting. But you step back there and it’s…”
“Are you giving me life advice?” I asked.
“Hey, I’m not as useless as you think,” Prick said.
“We never think you’re useless,” Sawyer said. “Without you around, we’d have…”
“A cleaner and more sterile environment,” I said.
Sawyer laughed.
“I think we all know that I’m the cleanest person here,” Prick said. “Good luck with your wife, Axel.”
“Ex,” I growled at Prick.
He winked and walked to the back door and went inside.
“Asshole,” I muttered.
“You know Prick,” Sawyer said. “You give him the tiniest thing to scratch at and he’ll rip the scab right off.”
“Yeah, right. I’m going to take off. I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
“Do your thing,” he said.
“You all really talked about me with this new shop stuff?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “You’ve been around a long time, Axel. You were here long before we had a neon sign.”
“Which I think is fucking stupid,” I said.
“You would.”
“Take it easy, Saint,” I said, nodding, referring to Sawyer’s old nickname.
I walked to my truck and tried to keep everything together.
But face it… there was no keeping it together in that moment.
I was going to see my ex-wife… the woman I should never have lost.
2.
When I shut the door to my truck, I thought about the time when I got the papers to sign, and the fact that they already had Shelby’s signature on them. I wondered so many times how long it took her to sign
them. Did she rip the envelope open and sign them within two seconds? Or did she leave them on the table and stare at them for days, really understanding what was about to happen?
It didn’t really matter anymore in life though.
In my right hand, I had a pack of smokes and matches. In my left hand, I had a single white carnation flower. Cheap shit from a gas station, but it was better than nothing. It was funny how fitting this situation was when you considered the entire history between me and Shelby.
Cigarettes and a carnation. The epitome of cheap and grit and living rough.
I laughed as I entered the apartment building. There was a wooden staircase to the left that went up to the two apartments on the second floor. Stacy lived on the first floor. A hell of a place, too. Big, open, a little beaten up, but she knew the landlord somehow and had been living there for as long as I could remember.
As I smacked my knuckles against the door, I honestly had no idea what to expect. Or what I would do when the door opened.
When it finally did open, Shelby stood there.
Her green eyes bounced off my dark brown ones instantly.
Her hair was a little shorter than I remembered. There was an auburn tint to it too. Trying to cover up some of that blonde color that we all used to make jokes about her having. She was in a plain blue t-shirt which didn’t leave much to the imagination.
My eyes had to avert themselves for a moment, and I looked down to her left hand. For a split second, I saw a small diamond ring and nothing else. No wedding band. No way. That ship sailed and sank a long time ago. But I could imagine her wearing an engagement ring though. And why not? She was a beautiful woman. She always had been. She always would be. She was Shelby. She was the pretty, tough girl next door that woke up one day as a woman and captured more hearts than she ever really knew. And she broke all those hearts into pieces with the bat of her eyes and the slightest of smiles.
Her ring finger was empty. There was no mark or tan line that said she had worn a ring recently.
“Axel,” she said.
My eyes lifted. “Shelby.”
I slowly lifted my left hand and offered her the carnation.
“For me?” she asked.
“Yeah. Couldn’t come empty-handed.”
“And the cigarettes…”
“Stacy,” I said. “Unless you’re smoking again.”
“What? No.”
Shelby’s cheeks flushed.
I smirked.
There were only a few times in her life when she’d been good at lying. This time wasn’t like any of those.
“I’m not here to judge you,” I said. “Or question a thing. I’m here to see Stacy.”
“Right,” Shelby said. She backed up. “Well, come on in.”
She turned and opened her mouth to yell for Stacy.
I quickly studied her from the side. My eyes tracing lines like a saw cutting a piece of wood. The features that made me lose my mind. The curves that made me forget who I was or what I was doing in life.
I cleared my throat and turned around.
Before Shelby could actually yell, Stacy appeared from the hallway to the bedrooms.
The second she saw me, she covered her mouth. Her eyes went wide and filled with tears. I lifted my hand and showed her the cigarettes as though she were a teenager again and I was the big bad influence in her young life. Stacy always looked to me as a big brother. It was strange to figure out though. The way Shelby fell head over heels for me, while Stacy loved me in a different way.
Stacy ran toward me and jumped into my arms.
I held her tightly for a second as she broke down crying.
“Goddammit, Stac,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry.”
I put her on her feet and touched her face with my free hand. I wiped away a tear as I shook my head.
“You actually showed up,” she said.
“Yeah,” I said. “Shel called and I would never not be here for you.” I looked back at Shelby. “Both of you.”
“You brought this for me?” Stacy asked.
I looked and saw her pointing to the cigarettes. “Yeah. For old time’s sake.”
“Thanks,” she said with a smile.
Her teary eyed smile had a way of getting to me.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s sit down and talk.”
“Can I get you anything?” Shelby asked. “Coffee? A beer?”
“Vodka?” Stacy asked.
“No,” Shelby said. “Give yourself a break for a second.”
“She’s right,” I said.
“Can I get that in writing?” Shelby asked.
I looked back at her and curled my lip. “You already did. Remember?”
It was a little bit of a low blow and Shelby’s pissed off face showed me that. I could already see the regret on her face for calling me.
I turned my attention to Stacy as I sat down on the couch.
Stacy hurried to light up a cigarette.
“Hey,” I said, leaning forward, my elbows on my knees. “I’m sorry about Den. That he couldn’t get out of that cycle.”
“Fuck,” Stacy said. “I know. Everyone is sorry, Axel. I’m sorry for dragging you here.”
“Nah, I don’t mind it,” I said.
I looked back at Shelby and saw her standing in the kitchen, hugging herself, chewing on her nails.
She was nervous.
I made her nervous.
You shouldn’t have made that comment, Axel. You idiot.
“I just… I haven’t seen you in forever,” Stacy said. “And you hung out with Den…”
“I know,” I said. “Look, I don’t know what you want me to say to you. I don’t sugarcoat anything in life. I just speak.”
“That’s why I need you right now. I’m so angry. And hurt. And lost.”
“You should be,” I said. “That guy fucked you over, Stac. He stole your heart, your time, everything. And then he takes the easy way out. Right? Just pumps himself full of garbage and dies. Fuck that. You deserve better than that.”
Stacy blinked quickly as she slowly put the cigarette to her mouth. She took a drag.
“I loved him,” she whispered.
“Of course you did. And you’re going to be angry about it, Stac. There’s no changing that. You should be angry too. Don’t let anyone talk you out of it. This kind of shit isn’t easy to just get over.”
My eyes moved to the right and I looked at Shelby again.
She quickly turned and walked out of sight.
I started to stand, but caught myself.
I sat back down and focused on Stacy.
“What do I do to get over it?” Stacy asked. She looked around. “I know you went through…”
I nodded. “Right. You want to know how I got over your sister.”
Stacy shrugged her shoulders. “I can’t talk to her about it.”
“I get it. I think we’re in different situations, Stac. You need to realize that. The truth is that Den never stood a chance in this fight because he didn’t want it enough.” I reached for Stacy’s hand and squeezed it. “That doesn’t mean he didn’t love you. Or doesn’t love you now. You’ve been through it so much. You’ve seen it.”
“I know,” Stacy said. “He’d just got out again. He said he was clean.”
“He was never really clean,” I said. “I’m so sorry, Stac.”
She took another drag and as she blew smoke into the air, she moved toward me. I put my arm around her and held her. Her hair smelled like sweat, smoke, and dirt. I couldn’t imagine the last time she took a shower.
Shelby came into the living room empty-handed.
She slowly sat down in an old recliner. I remembered moving that damn recliner into the apartment myself for Stacy.
Shelby looked right at me and put her lips together and frowned.
I nodded.
“It’s okay,” I said as I rubbed Stacy’s back.
I stared at Shelby as I said it.
Sta
cy took a deep breath and pulled away from me.
“I screwed up here,” she said. “I made you two get in the same room for my selfish reasons.”
“It’s fine,” Shelby said. “Stacy, we’re fine. You need family right now. And Axel was family.”
“I still am,” I said. “Anything you need. I wish I could get a time machine and go back and…”
My eyes moved to Shelby for a second before I swallowed the rest of my words.
A time machine for what? To go back and… never tell Shelby I loved her? Never let her be my first? Or me be her first? Or get all twisted up in a crazy romance where we ended up married and eventually hating each other?
I rubbed my jaw and finally had to stand up.
“Axel…,” Stacy said.
“Look,” I said in a stern voice. “Den was a fuck up. He always was. From the day I met him. But if there’s one truth I can say that’s good about him… he loved you, Stac. He really fucking loved you. The way he looked at you, I knew it. And I believe that he wanted to get over all that bullshit for you. But the darkness swallowed him up way too much. Maybe there’s this line that’s so thin that not many people can see it, you know? And when you cross that line…”
“You never come back,” Shelby said.
Stacy looked at Shelby, nodding. “You never come back. He’s gone forever.”
“Not in your memories though,” I said.
I felt Shelby looking at me, but I forced myself not to look at her.
“You can keep him safe there,” Shelby said.
Stacy leaned forward and finished the last two drags of her cigarette. She reached for the pack right away.
That’s when I stepped in and crouched down, putting my hand to her wrist.
“Take a break from it all, Stac,” I whispered. “Living in hell isn’t going to help you at all.”
“Meaning what?” she asked with a bitchy tone.
“Meaning go and take a fucking shower. Go and eat a real meal. Watch a fucking movie. Drink some water.”
“When was the last time you drank water?” Stacy asked.
“This isn’t about me.”
“Right. You could be hung up on my sister for the rest of your life, but God forbid that I’m sad over Den.”
I gritted my teeth.
Stacy was the one taking cheap shots now.
Nothing Lasts Forever Page 3
