I just stared down at her, not letting her win.
“Fine,” she said and stood up. “Sorry I smell.”
“You don’t smell,” Shelby said. “But you need to feel human.”
“Stac,” I said, gently touching her arm again. “When’s the service for him?”
“There isn’t one,” she said. “Nobody would bother to come anyway. He’s been cremated. I’ll figure out what to do with his ashes.”
“I am sorry to hear of his passing,” I said softly. “It’s a fucking shame. It’s a horrible reality to live in. But you need to take care of yourself. I don’t care how old we get or how mean you want to be to me, you’re still like a little sister to me. That means I care about you.”
“Thanks for being here,” Stacy said. “Sorry for what I said.”
She pulled her arm away and disappeared into the bathroom. I waited until I heard the water turn on - the sounds of the pipes knocking like a hammer and then the rush of the water - before I turned a little and looked at Shelby.
“You need a smoke?” I asked her.
“I don’t smoke,” she said.
“Liar,” I said.
Shelby rolled her eyes and stood up. “Sorry about her getting upset. Saying things.”
“Oh, that?” I asked. “Come on, I’ve been through worse. Right? You and I had some good ones for a while there.”
“Right. So years later it’s okay to talk about our arguments and make light of them?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “This is new to me, love.”
Love… ah, shit. I let the word love slip off my tongue.
We stood there frozen, stuck between then and now.
“Thank you for coming,” Shelby said. “I think it’ll help her. Just to see you. Hear you talk to her, you know? She’s in a tough place.”
“Rightfully so,” I said. “What about you? How are you doing with it all?”
“With what?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “With Den? We knew he had no future. I pulled for him. More than my father ever did. When he went into rehab this last time, I knew it wasn’t going to work out. He came out and I saw him a few times and just knew that he was right back at it. Then Stacy got the call that he was gone…”
“No, Shelby,” I said. “How are you doing with life? Are you okay? Are you surviving?”
“Life? You really want to talk about life?”
“I don’t know what we’re supposed to talk about. What are the rules here?”
She laughed. “There are no rules, Axel. Those papers gave us our freedom. I appreciate you coming over to help with Stacy. That’s where we need to leave this.”
“Of course,” I said. “I can hang out if you think she needs me. I can order something to eat. My treat. No pressure or hassle on anyone.”
Shelby tilted her head. Her lips started to move, but she didn’t speak.
I could read her just like I always used to be able to.
She was easy, at least for me.
And she was thinking the same thing I was thinking.
A question that had an answer that would crush our hearts again.
What the hell actually happened between us?
Five
*PRESENT DAY*
SHELBY
1.
“King beats a queen every day of the week, kiddo,” Axel’s deep, rough cut voice said.
His lips glistened from the beer, while Stacy sat across from him at the table with one leg up, wearing a long pink t-shirt. She had her hair pulled back, smelled clean, and for the first time in a while, she was smiling and laughing.
All because of Axel.
“But why?” Stacy asked. “Why does the king beat the queen?”
“You’re questioning me on how to play war?” Axel asked.
“I know how to play. I’m just wondering who made the rules… why can’t a queen beat a king?”
Axel lifted his beer bottle to his lips and shook his head. He took a gulp and put the bottle down. “So you’re going to give me a women’s equality speech over a deck of cards?”
“Maybe. Maybe I just want to win this hand.”
“Fair enough,” Axel said. “New rule. Queen beats king. How’s that sound? What about the jack?”
“He’s fine where he is.”
“Oh, so the little guy gets left behind?”
“Exactly.”
“How’s that fair?”
“I didn’t say it was,” Stacy said.
“You’re a pain in the ass,” Axel said.
“But you’re still sitting here.”
Axel laughed. “Only because the beer tastes good and there’s still some pizza left.”
“Not for long,” Stacy said. “Shel is going to finish an entire pie on her own.”
I sat on the back of the couch with a slice of pizza in my hand and the box balanced on the table next to me.
They both looked at me and I felt bloated and gross.
But I didn’t care.
My ex-husband was playing cards with my grieving stepsister and I was sitting in the front row for it all. There wasn’t enough beer, vodka, pizza, or cigarettes to get me through this. But Stacy was happy. She wasn’t talking about losing Den or how to survive without him.
“Want some?” I asked, showing them the half eaten slice of pizza.
“I’m good,” Axel said with a grin. “For now.”
“I’m fine,” Stacy said. “I’m going to win this game.”
“Because you keep changing the rules.”
“I always win, Axel,” Stacy said. “You know that.”
“That’s because I always let you win,” he said.
I stood up and flipped open the lid of the pizza box and tossed the half eaten slice into it.
“I’ll be right back,” I said. “I have to make a call.”
I rushed toward the door and left the apartment. I barreled down the hallway as though someone were chasing me. Once outside, I took a deep breath and looked left to right. I went to the right and around to the side of the building. That’s when I pulled the pack of cigarettes and matches out of my back pocket. They were a little smushed up, but oh well.
I put a cigarette between my lips and lit it, taking a deep drag. It was as gross and painful as the first cigarette I smoked, but here I was, doing it again. Why? I had no real idea. Maybe I wanted to find a distraction or fall back into an old habit. Maybe it was easier to smoke and find a way to quit that again, rather than getting too close to Axel.
It was hard seeing him again. Harder than I thought. It was hard to have him look at me. I knew what those eyes were capable of. I knew what his words were capable of. The worst part was that I knew what his body was capable of. And it wasn’t like I was grieving our divorce or saving myself for marriage again. I was human and had needs, and had attempted relationships since Axel. But…
“No,” I whispered.
I took another drag of the cigarette. I focused on it. The burning. The taste. The smoke leaving my mouth and dancing into the air.
I needed to keep my mind clear.
Only another hour or so and Axel would be gone. Back to his new life. His normal life. And I’d be back to mine. And hopefully, Stacy would find her way forward through all this mess.
You know, screw Axel. Screw him for asking me if I was okay. Or how I was doing in all of this. That wasn’t his job to do anymore. It was my job to figure out how to get through everything alone. And not in a bad way, but it was just the reality I lived in.
Plus, if he really wanted to know the truth…
“So… you are a liar, huh?”
2.
I was caught red-handed. A lit cigarette between my fingers.
Axel was standing there with a cocky look on his face, taking pride that he’d caught me in a lie.
Whoopity-fucking-do…
“What do I say to that?” I asked, feeling slightly annoyed and yet almost relieved.
“Nothing,” Axel said. He crossed
his arms and leaned against the building. “It doesn’t really matter, does it?”
“Nope,” I said.
I took another drag off the cigarette. It still didn’t taste good. I wondered when it was finally going to, but I figured it never would. Which was why I did the right thing before and quit for good. But staring at Axel standing there, I had the urge to take yet another drag.
“How long?”
“How long what?”
“How long did you actually quit for?” Axel asked.
“A long time. Okay?”
“And you just picked it back up?”
“Recently,” I said.
The second I heard your name…
“I know that feeling,” Axel said. He pushed from the building and put his hand out. “Got one of those for me?”
“What? Are you serious?”
“Yeah,” Axel said. “I could use another bad habit.”
I laughed. “Yeah, right. I don’t think so. Stacy doesn’t even know…”
I hurried to shut my mouth.
“Ah,” Axel said, nodding. “So you’re sneaking this little habit around. Lying to me about it. Hiding it from your sister. Interesting.”
“Shut up, Axel,” I said. “Don’t come here and start that game.”
“What game is that?”
“Where you look at me and try to figure out everything in my life. Where you pick out every little feature or thing I do and make it into some kind of conversation. Remember why you’re here, Axel.”
“And why is that?” he asked.
“To help with Stacy. That’s it.”
Axel stood tall. In the dark, he had a menacing looking figure. So tall. So wide. And I wasn’t afraid of him. I don’t think I’d ever been afraid of him. Even during our worst moments together, in some way, Axel was always the protector. The guy who tried to act like he had no heart, but had the biggest heart of anyone I’d ever known.
“Okay then, Shel,” he said. “Your sister is good. We finished our card game and I got her to head to bed. No booze. No pills. None of that shit. She’s tucked in with her TV on. A bottle of water on the nightstand. I told her to call me if she needs anything. Middle of the night or whatever. I told her that you need a night of sleep, so to leave you the hell alone and start fighting to move forward. Is that good enough?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Hopefully she’ll listen.”
“Then my job here is done,” he said. “It was good to see you, Shel. Enjoy the rest of your night.”
Axel turned and started to walk away.
I swallowed hard, the feeling going through me was wickedly painful. I caught myself biting at my fingernails again instead of smoking the cigarette.
“You were right about the rules,” I called out.
Axel froze and slowly turned. “What?”
“The rules,” I said. “When we were talking before. You said you didn’t know the rules. I don’t know the rules either. Okay?”
A smirk climbed across his face. “Well, the king should beat a queen… but your sister made a hell of a point. Sometimes the queen wins. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“That’s not what I meant, Axel,” I said.
“I know,” he said. “I didn’t come here to dig up something that’s been buried. You called me and needed help. It wasn’t easy for me to drive over here and figure this out. I get it, Shel. Believe me, I do.”
“For the record, you did more for Stacy than I could,” I said.
“I doubt that. You’re everything to her.”
“But she loves you, Axel. She listens to you.”
“That’s because I was the only person to ever stand up to her,” Axel said. “Her old man felt so guilty all the time…”
“I know,” I said. “He still does.”
The man I called Dad was my stepfather, Stacy’s biological father. Even still, no matter what happened in our lives, he always treated us with similar care and love, when he was sober. But when it came to Stacy, there was an extra sweet spot in his heart for her.
“She’s going to be fine,” Axel said. “We’ve all been there. Losing someone.”
My heart skipped a beat. “Yeah.”
He made a surprising turn and closed right in on me. Moving so fast that I stepped back and hit the building. I had completely forgotten about the cigarette that I really didn’t want, but forced myself to smoke to get my mind off him.
“Hey,” he said. “It was all fucked up, Shel. Everything. In some way, we did the right thing before it got nasty. I don’t want you to feel shame in that. And there’s no reason why we can’t stand in front of each other without feeling the pressure of all those years pushing on our shoulders. You said it yourself, we got the freedom we wanted…”
I slowly nodded. “Yeah. Exactly. I didn’t know what to expect when I called. And when you called me back. We haven’t talked since…”
Axel reached down and touched my hand.
I shivered.
He slowly plucked the cigarette out of my fingers and pressed it against the building. He swiped left, right, left, and let it fall to the ground. His hand then touched my cheek for a quick second.
“You don’t need to get that way around me,” he said. “I’m not here to start a fight. Or to talk about what happened. The one thing I never got to say to you, Shel, was that at the end of this thing, I just want you to be happy. Whatever your version is, that’s what you should get. I’ll say the same thing I said to your sister… you deserve better. I hope you’re aiming for that.”
“I’m doing just fine,” I said. “All things considered.”
“Right,” Axel said. “I think I should get going.”
“Thank you for being here tonight,” I said.
“Yeah, sure. I am sorry about Den. At least now everything will be quieter. He can’t hurt himself and he can’t hurt Stacy.”
“I just need her to realize that.”
“She will. It’s all fresh right now. She’s still picturing the rest of her life with him. She’s trying to figure out how to change that vision. That’s what grief is.”
I swallowed hard again and nodded.
It was like Axel was reading my heart. Which I sort of hated that he could do without realizing or trying.
“I don’t quite know how this goodbye is supposed to go,” he said. “So I’ll just leave it at I hope everything works out. I hope you get some sleep. If you or your sister need anything, give me a call.”
“Okay. Sounds good, Axel. Have a good night.”
“And for the record, smoking never suited you. I hope you’re able to quit again.”
“I’ll see what I feel like doing,” I said with a smile.
“Okay. Sleep tight, Shel.”
Axel walked away, and this time, it was for good. I stepped forward and watched him walk to his truck. I listened to the engine start. Then I listened to him drive away.
I blinked and couldn’t believe that my eyes were filling with tears.
From everything we had.
To everything we lost.
I never got my true goodbye.
Maybe one day I would get it.
All the answers I didn’t have. All the questions I never got to ask.
Or maybe I’d never see him again. Because that had been the plan.
I had other plans in my life too…
And Axel managed to mess all of them up.
Six
*PRESENT DAY*
AXEL
1.
I sat alone after finishing another tattoo. I normally didn’t let a lot of things build up in my mind, but I hadn’t had a great night of sleep in a little while. I had Tate and Sawyer up my ass about the new tattoo shop, looking for an answer I didn’t have. I hadn’t even taken the time to consider what I wanted to do.
My mind couldn’t erase the images of Shelby.
The way she looked when she answered the door. The way she looked outside when I caught her smoking. That
insane desire I had to touch her, hug her, kiss her. Hell, just the urge to flirt with her and see if I could get a smile out of her. Maybe make her cheeks blush a little bit. Like I used to do.
I took a deep breath and embraced the silence of my little room. The faint sound of everyone else’s rooms mixed in the background. Which wasn’t a bad thing. The echoes of different types of music and the buzzing of needles. The heartbeat of the entire tattoo shop.
And damn, we were busy. It was a constant stream of people coming in, making appointments, and plenty of people asking about the new shop.
My door swung open and Sawyer came right in.
“Yeah, sure, come on in,” I said.
“Sorry,” he said before he yawned. “My brain is fried right now.”
“Used to be because of partying,” I said. “Not now, huh?”
“Nope,” Sawyer said. “Kate was up almost the entire night. Contractions.”
“Really?” I asked, standing up. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. Just the, uh, the fake ones. You know? Her body getting ready for the real deal. She was just so uncomfortable. And there was no way I was letting her suffer alone.”
“I’m sure you didn’t exactly suffer,” I said.
“Sympathy pains, brother,” he said and he touched his lower back.
“Yeah, right,” I said. “Did you call her doctor though? Write down the timing of everything? Ask her to gauge the pain?”
Sawyer raised an eyebrow. “What the hell… you been reading pregnancy books in here?”
“No,” I said. “Just asking a fucking question.”
“That was more than one question,” he said.
“Whatever then,” I said. “Sorry I pretended to give a shit.”
“Whoa, whoa,” Sawyer said. “Don’t get so touchy. It’s cute when you act like a human, Axel.”
“Cute? Did you really just use the word cute to describe me?”
Sawyer smiled big. “You’re so easy to mess with sometimes.”
“What are you doing in here?”
“I own the place.”
“Then I was just about to leave.”
“Come on,” Sawyer said. “I came to tell you that someone is here looking for you.”
Nothing Lasts Forever Page 4
