Nothing Lasts Forever

by Jaxson Kidman

It took all of three seconds before she started to cry again.

  The kiss came to another halt.

  Now I was pissed off.

  My hands took a firm hold of her waist and I lifted her to the counter again.

  I sat her down and put my forehead to hers.

  “What do you need from me right now?” I asked.

  She curled her fingers around my shirt again. “Please don’t leave me.”

  “I’m not leaving you.”

  “You’re going to leave me, Axel.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “You don’t get it.”

  “Make me get it then,” I said. “You’re leaving me in the dark, Shel.”

  “This is why I was better off alone. This is why what happened with us… all this now…”

  “Forget about the past or right now,” I said. “This is about you. This is all about you. My life is about you, Shel. I need you to know that. There is nothing that can ever stop me from loving you. I never stopped loving you.”

  “It’s not that,” she said. “You don’t get it.”

  “You won’t tell me.”

  Shelby put her hands to my chest and shoved at me. She couldn’t move me, but I moved anyway.

  “You shouldn’t be in love with me,” Shelby said. “You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t be kissing me. You shouldn’t want me.”

  “Too fucking bad,” I said. “Here I am, love. I love you. I’m here. I want to kiss you every day, for the rest of my life. And I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in life.”

  Shelby let out a cry and more tears streamed down her face.

  There was silence for a few seconds.

  “So is this it?” I asked. “Because if so, I’m still not leaving. I’ll stand right here all night. Hug you when you need a hug. Kiss you when you need a kiss. I’ll-”

  “I can’t give you what you want,” Shelby said. “That’s why you need to leave.”

  “Give me what I want? You are right now. I have you.”

  “Axel, no. It’s more than that. I can’t give you everything.”

  “And what’s everything?”

  Shelby blinked through her tears. “I’m the reason we lost our baby… and the doctor told me that I can never have kids.”

  3.

  Nobody should ever have to face that kind of news alone. My mind raced back to when she lost the baby. It took me hours to get her up off the floor in the hallway, and that was only because she fell asleep in my arms. Each day from there we grew apart. I took her to the required surgery and brought her home. She cried for hours and days as she was in pain. Forever touching her belly, knowing that it wasn’t going to grow.

  There was nothing I could do.

  There was not a fucking thing I could do.

  This time was different.

  She said the words that crushed her beautiful heart and I was quick to move, sweeping up the pieces into my hands to keep them from getting lost forever.

  I charged at the counter with force. My hands slipped to her face and I made her look at me.

  “Shelby, I am so sorry,” I whispered. “I can’t imagine getting that kind of news and what it means to you. Please don’t just assume anything about me though.”

  “You wanted a family,” she said. “We talked about it so many times. We weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we did nothing to stop it either.”

  “I know that,” I said. “That was a long time ago.”

  “And now? You suddenly just don’t want kids?”

  “Shelby, please be selfish.”

  “Selfish? I was. Sitting here alone. Dealing with this. You came barging in.”

  “To be with you,” I said. “To talk about you. To focus on you.”

  “I don’t want to focus on me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’ve failed you.”

  The words hit me hard. Like a sledgehammer to the gut.

  “You didn’t fail me.”

  “I did,” Shelby said. She swung her hands to knock my hands off her face. She jumped off the counter and wiggled away. “I fucking failed you. And don’t tell me I didn’t. You don’t get to steal my pain.”

  “I’m not trying to steal your pain, love,” I said. “I’m trying-”

  “Stop trying,” Shelby yelled. “Fuck, Axel. Stop fucking trying.”

  I shut my mouth.

  Now Shelby was staring with hate in her eyes.

  “My body isn’t meant for it,” she said. “Then or now. What happened before was my body not being able to do it. Okay? There are problems, Axel. Yeah, maybe I’m not sick. Sure, that’s a good thing. But there’s another part to it. I can’t do it. I can’t… I’ll never be like Kate. I’ll never have a baby. I’ll never…”

  Shelby lowered her head and cried again.

  I took my chances by going right back into the fire.

  There was no keeping me away from her. If this was what she needed, then fine. She could call herself a failure. She could get mad at me. It was good to get that out. I couldn’t imagine what she felt or what her body felt.

  My hands moved from her shoulders to her back and I held her again.

  This time, she didn’t cry hard. In fact, she stopped crying.

  She was just there.

  And I was holding her.

  “Please say something,” she whispered.

  “Whatever I have to say, you don’t want to hear.”

  “I just want to hear your voice, Axel. I’m sorry…”

  “No. You don’t need to be sorry for anything, love. You did nothing wrong. Ever. You’ve had to face this road on your own and that part I hate. I can hold your hand through anything in life. But I can’t imagine how you feel with what the doctor said to you. I know we talked about having a family, Shel. But come on, we were usually drunk and dreaming of the future.” I broke away and looked down at her. “Right? We’d sleep in the bed of my truck. Put down sleeping bags on a clear night and watch the stars. Talk about the future. And of course we talked about having a family. Who doesn’t want that, right? That doesn’t mean it has to happen. It’s not a promise. It’s not something we had to do in that moment.”

  “Even though we did,” Shelby said.

  “I know. We did. We always did things that way. Moving faster than fast. It happens. I am so sorry you lost the baby, Shel.”

  “We lost the baby, Axel.”

  “You’re the one who…”

  “We,” Shelby whispered. “I never considered you in the whole thing. You would have been an amazing dad. I know it.”

  “Thank you for saying that,” I said. “And whatever happens now, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. Whatever you need to do right now. To think. To heal. To make a decision.”

  “I feel gross,” Shelby admitted. “Like I don’t know… why…”

  I nodded. “That’s okay. I’m going to stand here and tell you how beautiful you are. And I’m not going to stop. I hope you know that.”

  “I know,” she said, shaking her head. “That’s what makes it worse.”

  “Worse?”

  “Because you love me the way you do.”

  “And I’ll always love you that way.”

  Shelby put her hands to my chest again. “I secretly wished you would come.”

  “And here I am.”

  “It was just so much at once,” Shelby said. “The doctor called and… she’s honest. Which I like. She just started talking. She told me to stop her when I needed her to. But I didn’t stop her. There was the good of not being sick, but the bad of my body… just the things going on… and she started talking about fertility tests and treatments… but that stuff is so expensive with no guarantee of anything… my head was spinning, Axel.”

  I gently touched her cheek with one hand. “So there’s always an option, Shel. The doctor even said so. It may not be the one you want, but it’s there. It’s like us. I never imagined a world where I’d marry you, get divorced, and get
back together again. But here we are. Not the path we planned, but we’re still here. Holding hands.”

  Shelby smiled. A forced smile. But at least it was something.

  “I don’t want to talk anymore,” she said.

  “Tell me what you want now and I’ll make it happen.”

  “I want to fall asleep in your arms.”

  4.

  “For the record, you stole our first kiss.”

  Shelby lifted her head and put her chin onto my chest. “What?”

  “You said something at the hospital with Sawyer and Kate. About you kissing me first. You stole that kiss.”

  “But it still counts as our first kiss,” she said with a grin.

  We had been in bed for over an hour. Talking, kissing, hugging. Forgetting the world. Forgetting time.

  “It does, but it wasn't the way I wanted it.”

  “We were teenagers.”

  “Don’t give me that crap,” I said. “Age never mattered before to us.”

  “Oh, so you had something all romantic planned out?”

  “Actually, I did.”

  “Really?” Shelby popped up. “I need to hear this.”

  Next thing I knew she was wrapped up in a sheet, sitting on her bed, waiting for me to tell her a story only I knew existed.

  “Okay,” I said with a laugh. “We were sitting there on the back steps of your house. I had this urge to kiss you. I’d had it before. I just wasn’t sure about it.”

  “You were so cute back then,” Shelby said. “Before you got big and strong and tattooed and liked to fight people.”

  “I blame all of that on you,” I said. “You made me feel all those feelings.”

  “Right. It’s always my fault.”

  “Just listen for a second. I didn’t plan on having our first kiss that day. But it worked. We talked. We were near each other. The moment hit and I was like… oh, shit… and then you moved in and kissed me. Bam. Lips to lips. My heart exploding.”

  “To be fair, you did kiss me right after,” Shelby said.

  “Yeah. I did more than that.”

  Shelby blushed. “We had no idea what we were doing.”

  “But my plan was to wait until you were wearing that blue dress again. Or something like it. And I was going to put on some fancy looking clothes. I was going to go down to Mrs. Anley’s house and steal some flowers from her garden. I wanted it to be amazing for you.”

  “That’s so cute,” she said. She started to climb up the bed toward me. “And everything that happened was amazing.”

  “I agree. Just not what I’d planned.”

  “What happened to you? You were young, sweet, cute, innocent.”

  I touched Shelby’s face. “You happened, love. You destroyed me. Made me evil.”

  Shelby laughed. “Thanks.”

  We gently kissed and she put her head back onto my chest.

  “Everything that happened with us was always fucked up. But it always worked. Amazing, right?”

  “Amazing,” Shelby whispered. “Just like you, Axel.”

  “Nah, I’m just following your lead. That’s all.”

  We got quiet again for a little bit.

  Then Shelby whispered, “I’m sorry about this.”

  “About what?”

  “This. What’s happening. That I can’t give you normal.”

  “I don’t want normal, Shel. I just want you.”

  I kissed the top of her head and let her drift off to sleep once and for all. I then carefully rolled her off me and sat up on the edge of the bed. It was good to have a minute alone to process everything. I ran a hand through my hair, taking a deep breath. I looked back at Shelby as she slept. Sometimes, it was impossible to think what she went through. What her body went through. And now, years later, things were still happening. I had no idea she wasn’t feeling good. I had no idea the word cancer had been thrown out there. And I couldn’t believe that she had to take that call by herself. To hear someone tell her that she wasn’t going to be able to have kids.

  But the doctor mentioned another path. Which was kind of our thing.

  From being told that we were stupid for getting married, to me sitting there, technically her ex-husband, starting to spin the future into the way it was supposed to be.

  That’s when something came to me.

  I looked back at Shelby again. I nodded and smiled.

  She was fast asleep, her heart and emotions all balled up tight like a knot of Christmas lights.

  I knew a way to take care of it. Or at least try to. A way to show her how much I loved her, how much I cared, and that I was in this thing for forever. I didn’t need the past to hurt my future. I would never forget what we lost together. Hell, I’d never live down getting divorced from her.

  But tomorrow… I could help with that.

  I dug my phone out of my pocket and snuck out of the room.

  I stood in the kitchen of Shelby’s apartment and stared at my reflection in the window above the kitchen sink.

  There was one call I needed to make.

  “Gonzo… it’s Axel… I want to talk to you about that motorcycle… I need a big favor.”

  Twenty-One

  *PRESENT DAY*

  Shelby

  1.

  “More coffee?” Kate asked.

  “I’m good,” I said. “Thanks. One more cup and I’ll be shaking like I just got electrocuted.”

  “I’m sorry. I live on it right now.”

  I glanced over to little Jack sleeping in his swing.

  I nodded.

  “I can imagine,” I said. “He’s keeping you up, huh?”

  “Nothing I didn’t expect,” she said. “Poor Sawyer keeps getting up too.”

  “Why’s that?”

  “Just to sit with me. Which is adorable. But I keep telling him to just get some sleep. When I need him, I’ll let him know.”

  “That’s great he’s like that with you and the baby.”

  “Oh, he’s amazing.”

  I looked over at Jack again.

  I was hurting on the inside. Which was my business to feel and deal with. I’d never have this. Ever. Beyond the pregnancy and giving birth, I’d never have the late nights, messy house, bed head all day, drinking coffee like it was life.

  “You okay, Shelby?” Kate asked.

  “Yeah. I’m trying to figure out who Jack looks like.”

  “Please say me,” Kate said with a wink.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I think he looks like Sawyer.”

  “Figures,” she said.

  I laughed. “Thanks for talking today.”

  Kate slid her hand across the table. “Thank you for calling me. For coming over. I’ve been a little cooped up lately. Sawyer’s been busy. He and Tate are figuring out the new shop. I haven’t talked to an adult… whatever. It means a lot that you called. That you trust me.”

  “I’ve always trusted you, Kate. When things happened with Axel, it was like a clean cut. Which was so dumb to do. Because it didn’t fix anything. It didn’t help me at all.”

  “Yeah, but you’re here now. And what you told me… I know you made me promise not to say anything stupid or sad or whatever. So I won’t. But just know that my heart is full. Because I know it means a lot to you.”

  “I guess I always have St. Skin, right?” I asked. “I mean, and baby Jack over here. You need a night out with Sawyer, you’d better call me. And of course, Jason too.”

  “You did so good with him at the hospital, Shelby. I was scared out of my mind for him that day. And you made him so relaxed. He still talks about you.”

  “He does?”

  “He calls you Axel’s pretty friend.”

  I smiled. “Don’t let Axel hear him call me pretty.”

  “Oh, please,” Kate said. “Jason could take Axel.”

  “You know, you’re probably right.”

  “The amount of stuff Jason knows about dinosaurs, spiders, snakes, scorpions… he’d talk Axe
l into submission and then knock him out with some super killer venom or something.”

  I laughed harder, covering my mouth so I didn’t wake up Jack.

  “Men,” Kate said.

  “Boys,” I said.

  “Even truer.” She sipped her coffee and made a sour face. “It’s cold.”

  “You don’t like cold coffee?”

  “No. People who drink cold coffee are horrible. Coffee was meant to be hot.”

  “I can’t say I disagree with that.”

  Kate stood and walked to get the coffeepot. She poured herself another cup and looked at me.

  “Fine,” I said. “Twist my arm.”

  “Hey, I would prefer wine or something else,” she said. “But I need this for the moment.”

  “All I hear you saying is that you need a girls’ night.”

  “Yes,” she said. “Leave the guys to deal with the kids.”

  “I can go for that,” I said. “After everything that’s been happening…”

  “Are you kidding?” Kate said as she put the coffeepot away. “You’ve been on a roller coaster, Shelby. I don’t know how you’re doing it.”

  “I say that to myself all the time.”

  “No, really,” she said. She sat back down and reached for me again. “I know your sister’s boyfriend passed away. That had to be hard on her. Which meant it was hard on you.”

  “A little,” I said.

  “Then Axel comes walking right back in. And it’s obvious that you two were never meant to get divorced. And then medical situations… wow.”

  “When you put it like that, I think I need a drink.”

  “Oh, I’ve got plenty of treats.”

  “No. If I start that now, the day will not end well.”

  “Hey, can I ask you something?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Do you ever get tired of… living fast?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know, just living fast. Like, when Sawyer came back last year and things… I just finally had to slow it all down. It’s not easy when you’re pregnant. But I needed it, Shelby. So badly.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I get that. That’s sort of why the divorce happened. Axel and I were always living too fast.”

  “But that’s up to you to control. Look at what you have right now. Look at where things have settled. Are they perfect? No. Nothing is though. But maybe if you slow it all down, it’ll make more sense.”