The Boyfriend Swap

by Meredith Schorr

  Marshall, a good friend and sometimes-colleague of my dad, jutted his shaved head toward Perry. “Barbara mentioned you’re an actor.” Marshall sat directly across the table from Perry, who was to my right.

  “I am,” Perry said cheerily.

  “She also said you were seeking agent representation.”

  Perry replied, “I am.”

  I subtly kicked him under the table and whispered, “Expand your vocabulary” out of the side of my mouth. Perry’s main purpose for agreeing to the swap was to make connections to take his career up a notch. At some point in the last three hours, I’d shocked myself by developing a smidgen of interest in Perry’s future, and I didn’t want him to blow it by showing a complete lack of charisma due to an alcohol-induced brain malfunction.

  “My manager is great, but even he agrees having an agent on my team could make a world of difference,” Perry clarified while I nodded my head in approval.

  “I represent artists through Take 3 Talent. Name dropping over butternut squash soup is tacky, but if you want to talk privately over dessert later, let me know.”

  “My answer is a resounding yes,” Perry said. He smiled wide and gave a thumbs up sign. His corniness was eye-roll worthy, but I was pleased for him. There would be at least one bright spot in this dark train wreck of a day.

  Marshall leaned his muscular upper body, surprising for a man probably pushing fifty, forward in his chair while blatantly scrutinizing Perry with narrowed blue eyes. “You’ve got a good look—dangerously handsome, but your face is inviting and unexpectedly approachable. I bet you don’t take things too seriously and are probably self-deprecating.”

  When everyone glanced at me curiously, I realized I’d snorted in response to the laughable “self-deprecating” comment. “Sorry.” I pointed at my throat. “Tomato went down the wrong pipe.”

  Perry smirked at me, but Marshall smiled politely before returning his focus to Perry. “Ever done any comedy?”

  Perry sat straighter in his chair and puffed out his chest. “I’ve done some improvisational work and a couple of comedic roles in off-Broadway productions. I’m open to both comedic and dramatic roles.”

  “Let’s definitely talk.” Turning back to me, Marshall said, “Your boyfriend might be the next big thing. How does it feel?”

  Before I had a chance to reply using my own improvisational skills, Perry broke in. “I’m actually back on the market. Sid and I broke up earlier today.”

  I didn’t even realize I’d dropped my fork until I heard metal crashing against porcelain. I lifted my butt off my seat in surprise. It figured, the second I let my guard down around Perry, he screwed me over. So much for my plan to make as little fanfare of our split as possible. Even as my head spun in embarrassment, my brain worked to recover and gain back control. I smiled sweetly at Marshall. “I thought it better to keep it to ourselves until after the holiday, but my impulsive ex here can’t keep a secret to save his life.”

  Perry smiled sheepishly. “It’s true. I’m honest to a fault.”

  “It’s your cross to bear,” I said, not even trying to hide the sarcastic tone of my voice.

  “Did I hear something about a secret?” my mom asked from her end of the table.

  I silently cursed the acoustic tiles my parents had installed on the ceiling to improve the sound quality in the room. “If it’s a secret, Mom, best not to announce it across a table of forty people. Am I right?” I flipped my hair and smiled charmingly at everyone at the table whose eye I caught—except for Perry. I wouldn’t even honor him with the evil eye. I was too annoyed at him for ruining our peace.

  “It’s not a secret if it’s a topic of discussion at our Christmas dinner,” my dad called out before gesturing for a server to refill his wine glass.

  And with my father’s statement, the table fell silent as all the guest—relatives, friends, and business acquaintances alike—ceased eating to stare at Perry and me.

  Perry waved his hand. “It’s nothing really. Sidney and I have called it quits. Irreconcilable differences.”

  “It’s all right. We agree we’re better off as friends.” I stood up and said, “And now back to our regularly scheduled programming,” before sitting back down and hoping the conversation was over.

  “I knew something was off with you two today,” Aunt Eileen said.

  “How could you let him go, Sidney?” my mom cried out while dramatically fanning herself with a linen tablecloth.

  “Who said it was Sidney’s idea? I bet Perry broke up with her to date Jennifer Lawrence,” Great Aunt Edna suggested.

  “What makes you think Perry even knows Jennifer Lawrence? His most impressive gig to date was a teeth-whitening commercial.” I knew it was a low blow, but my own blood relatives insinuating that Perry was too good for me was cruel too.

  “And therein lies your problem,” Uncle Gil stated.

  “Where are you going with this?” I asked.

  “You’re too focused on the bottom line. You need to hone your nurturing side or you’ll never have a successful romantic relationship,” said Uncle Gil.

  “I’ve never met anyone as competitive as you, Sidney,” Aunt Ruth agreed.

  Cousin Lauren snorted. “Remember when you raced Patrick to see who could fold the origami box at my dad’s fiftieth birthday party at KOKU?”

  “And then you dumped him when he beat you,” Uncle Gil added.

  “We were barely even dating,” I protested to deaf ears as my family members continued to volley back and forth. I felt like a lab rat being scrutinized by a bunch of novice scientists.

  Aunt Eileen asked, “Have you even had a real boyfriend since Jake?”

  “If memory serves, she couldn’t handle both law school and a love life,” my dad said. “B&B thanks you for making the right choice.”

  “You can blame yourself if she never settles down, Harvey. She gets her competitive nature from you,” my mom shouted across the table.

  My stomach cramped like I’d been kicked in the gut—hard. I had no idea my family felt this way about me. It was too much all at once. Unable to hold it in any longer, I regarded Perry with my stoniest glare, but he wasn’t looking at me. His face had drained of color and he darted his eyes around the table in apparent shock. As if sensing me staring at him, he turned to me with a pained expression and mouthed, “I’m so sorry.” Rising from his seat, he said, “Hey now. Christmas is supposed to be about kindness toward all men, which I assume includes women like Sidney here.” He gestured toward me before addressing the other guests again. “Sidney is an amazing woman who deserves your support in this difficult time. Our breakup is a private matter, but I assure you it has nothing to do with any shortcoming on her part.” He sat back down.

  Marshall was the first to break the silence by clapping, but soon everyone joined in a standing ovation I assumed was aimed at Perry’s heartfelt speech. Everyone, that is, except me. I used the opportunity to take ownership of the one remaining crescent roll. Too bad I’d lost my appetite.

  Robyn

  After we’d finished dinner and dessert and my grandparents went home, the rest of us hung out in the family room, hoping a glass or two of Lambrusco would aid in our digestion of more food than any of us usually ate in two days. Meet Me in St. Louis aired on the muted television while the annual Christmas soundtrack played on the stereo. When Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas” came on for at least the third time and none of us could complete a sentence without pausing to yawn, the night came to a close. Jordy was the first to excuse himself to bed, but when I caught Will fighting to keep his eyes open, I knew it was time to call it.

  The remaining four of us climbed the stairs to the second floor and stopped in the hallway before going to our respective rooms. “Goodnight, guys. Dinner was awesome.” I kissed my mom on the cheek. “And thank you both so much for my present. I love it
.” I embraced my dad, squeezing tightly. My parents had bought me a Roland V-Synth Synthesizer. I didn’t have room in my apartment for a full-sized piano and relied on the one at work. With a keyboard at home, I wouldn’t be limited to playing songs only appropriate for the under-thirteen crowd, and I might even succeed in writing an original song for something other than a school concert. I worried it was too expensive, but they’d assured me they found a good deal on eBay.

  “Our pleasure, Snow White,” my dad said before glancing conspiratorially at Will. I watched them share a smile.

  “We hope you enjoyed yourself, Will,” my mom said. “Robyn seems to think we’re a tough crowd. Don’t you, sweetheart?”

  My cheeks warmed. “Not tough, but unrelenting. Suppose Will wasn’t a music lover. This night would have been super awkward for him.” And me.

  “Anyone who doesn’t love music deserves to feel awkward,” my dad said.

  Will chuckled. “True story.”

  I’d lost count of how many times my mom had beamed at Will over the course of the weekend, but she did it again. “I like this guy.”

  I shook my head at her but smiled. “I couldn’t tell.”

  Extending his hand to my dad, Will said, “Thanks so much for including me. I had such a great time.” He hugged my mom, who mouthed, “Love this guy” over his shoulder.

  I feared she wasn’t alone in that emotion and my stomach plunged. He’d go back to his life with Sidney after tomorrow, and there was no reason for us to see each other again. I didn’t know what Will was thinking, but even though nine years had passed since I watched him drive away to college, I felt the same now as I did then—heartbroken.

  A few minutes later, Will and I lay side by side in silence under the girly purple and white polka dot ruffled comforter I’d delighted in as teenager and wished I could still get away with in my twenties. We only had one more sleep before we’d return to the city and our regular lives, and I wanted to say something before it was too late, but I didn’t know where to start. If I admitted my high school crush on him had returned with a vengeance worthy of a sappy Hallmark movie, would he say he had feelings for me too? Or was I destined to play the part of the lovestruck teenager pining for the unattainable “it” boy through my twenties too?

  Going straight to bed was probably for the best. Declaring my romantic interest in Will before officially ending my relationship with Perry was a bad omen, not to mention not very fair to Perry. There was also Sidney to consider. Actively coveting another woman’s man broke the unspoken girl code. It could also put my living situation in jeopardy, since Anne Marie idolized Sidney and probably wouldn’t support my trying to steal her boss’s boyfriend. I groaned to myself in frustration. My Fairy Godmother was doing a crappy job of looking after Snow White right now.

  The still of the room was truncated by a quiet chuckle originating from Will’s side of the bed. It stopped suddenly. I wondered if he was laughing in his sleep, but then he did it again. “Did I miss something?” I asked, happy for the excuse to initiate conversation.

  “I was thinking about your grandparents’ reaction to you dating a ‘regular’ person,” Will said before laughing again.

  I groaned again, this time out loud. “I know. If I brought Perry or any of my exes, rest assured someone would mention before the curtain came down on the day how predictable I was for dating an actor or a musician. This time, I brought you, a lawyer and the complete opposite of my usual type, and we’re lucky neither Nana nor Pop Pop went into cardiogenic shock.” I’d join in Will’s mirth if I found it remotely as humorous as he did.

  “How do you think they’ll react when you tell them you’re back with Perry?”

  And here it was—the opening I’d been waiting for. The time had come to tell Will my attraction to him had grown stronger after spending so much time together and regardless of what happened between us, I was going to end things with Perry. Even though it was dark in the room, I closed my eyes, hoping I’d feel less vulnerable if I couldn’t see him. “The thing is—”

  In a quiet voice, Will said, “He’s not right for you, you know.”

  I opened my eyes as my heart slammed against my chest. “How do you mean?” Was he going to throw himself in the ring for my affections?

  The bed shook beneath me as Will rearranged his position so he was leaning on his elbow facing me. I remained on my back. “He’s not good enough for you.”

  Unless there was abuse involved, I didn’t measure couples in terms of one person being better than the other. Two people were either the right fit or not, and while Perry might not be The One for me, I didn’t think I was superior to him in any way. “I don’t think you’re being fair—”

  “Did you ever consider your attraction to only flaky creative types is a crutch because you’re not ready to settle down?”

  I sat up and looked at Will. “What are you saying?” My pulse raced as if preparing for an attack.

  Will mirrored my position on the bed and frowned. “Take Perry for instance. You’ve already mentioned you guys don’t really talk about the future, and it’s probably because Perry can’t afford to plan beyond tomorrow. Since he’s so unstable, it makes him safe for you to date because you don’t have to worry about it going anywhere.”

  All my blood seemed to travel up my body and land on my face as my anger grew. “Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud. I knew a Juris Doctorate permitted you to give legal advice, but I had no idea it also qualified you to psychoanalyze me.”

  Will pushed the covers off his legs. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  Staring down at my wobbling knees under the comforter, I replied, “No, you shouldn’t have.”

  He patted my shoulder. “It was just a thought.”

  Flinching from his touch, I said, “For one, it’s none of your business. And considering you’ve been married…let me count…zero times and have been dating Sidney for less than six months, I resent your insinuations.” My body was shaking like I’d come in from the rain. How silly of me to think Will’s aversion to Perry was based on his own desire to be with me. He was merely concerned by the extent of my emotional availability and had likely been formulating his theory the entire duration we’d been together.

  “I didn’t mean…”

  I turned my back on his side of the bed as a signal the conversation was over. I willed myself to fall asleep, but I couldn’t turn off the thoughts in my head. I also couldn’t stop wondering what Will was thinking. Had I overreacted?

  “Robyn?”

  I lay still as a corpse, holding back the guttural sobs perched precariously at the edge of my throat.

  “I know you’re awake.”

  My brain itched to respond, but my heart was having no part of it.

  “Please don’t be mad. I’m sorry.”

  When his phone rang, he vaulted off the bed, muttering, “Dammit.”

  I heard him say, “Hey, Sid,” before leaving my bedroom and closing the door behind him, presumably to have a private conversation in the hallway or bathroom.

  Chapter 14

  Sidney

  “Merry Christmas,” I belted out in forced cheer. I heard the click of a door closing. “Did I interrupt something?”

  “No. We were just…” For a moment, the only sound was Will’s breathing, but then he said, “Merry Christmas back at you. Did you have fun?”

  I flashed back to my time with Perry in the pantry as the knots in my stomach twisted and turned. “Typical Bellows holiday. Nothing more, nothing less.” I swallowed hard at my lie. “Glad it’s over. How about you?” I hoped my guilty conscience wouldn’t seep into my voice. I wanted to wait until we were face to face to tell him what happened.

  “Same here, I guess.”

  “I’m sorry I talked you into it, Will.” At least that much was true. I’d been so afraid my parents would unk
nowingly sabotage my relationship with Will. I’d managed to do that just fine without their help.

  “It’s okay, Sid. I’m glad you did.”

  “You are?”

  Will coughed. “I just mean you shouldn’t feel bad. The Lanes treated me well. And I met up with some friends from high school. It was fun. No need to apologize.”

  I sat up. “So…it wasn’t too awkward? Pretending to be Robyn’s boyfriend?”

  Will seemed to hesitate, but then said, “I guess I’m a better actor than you give me credit for.”

  “Well, that’s good.”

  “I was wondering…” His voice dropped off.

  “Yes?” I prayed he wouldn’t say he was curious if I’d sucked face with Perry. I really needed to own up to the kiss in person so he’d see in my eyes how sincerely remorseful I was. Would he forgive me, or would it be the end of us? I wasn’t ready to call it quits on our relationship, but I suspected it was already over and he just didn’t know it yet.

  “What’s your favorite Christmas song? Did you ever watch Meet Me in St. Louis?”

  I wiped my tired eyes. “Um, what?” He was talking too fast and sounded like a hyperactive second grader.

  “It’s just, I don’t know much about…” He hesitated. “You know what, never mind. Can we talk more tomorrow? I’m beat.”

  His mood swing hurt my tired and guilty heart. “Yeah. Me too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Goodnight.”

  “’Night.” I ended the call and placed my phone on the nightstand. I sat on the edge of my bed and buried my face in my hands. Had it really been less than a day since I’d woken up that morning? I was exhausted like I’d worked an entire week—with overtime.