“That weren’t no tree, Ma’am.”
“Of course not, Mr. Temperance; it is a gallows. The three sides make it so much easier to conduct multiple executions simultaneously, Mr. Temperance.”
“That’s mighty efficient, Ma’am.”
“The Empire prides itself on practicality, sir.”
“I like this big old Westminister...”
“Westminster.”
“That’s what I said, Westminister.”
“No, I am saying ‘Westminster, where you are saying, Westminister.”
“I still don’t get it.”
“Never mind.”
“Well, Miss Plumtartt, now that we are in the Palace of Westminister, I’m feeling pretty safe. That big ol’ clock Big Ben stands over one end of the palace like a Buckingham Palace Guard. I don’t reckon nothing bad could ever happen in a place as dignified and impressive as this wonderful building.”
“The people who fought the great fire in this building would disagree.”
“Hunh? Oh yeah, I guess they would.”
“And the countless legislative battles.”
“Well, yeah, I wasn’t counting them.”
“By Jove, Mr. Temperance, today’s date is of historic significance in that regard. Why this is November Fifth. Does that date hold no meaning to you, eh hem?”
“No Ma’am.”
“Are you familiar with the firework laden holiday, ‘Guy Fawkes Day’?”
“No Ma’am.”
“Two hundred and seventy years ago, King Charles the first burst in upon the House of Commons unannounced.”
“Is that it?”
“Well, this was considered poor form, you see. Parliamentarians took it upon themselves to throw down this rude person. Royalists were unable to stem the tide of the cross ettiquarians. One such stickler for courtesies, a Puritan by the name of Oliver Cromwell, rose to power and impressed his own brand of Patrioticy across the British Isles. A sizable percentage of the population was slain before Charles, the regrettably boorish monarch, was tried by Cromwell for treason and subsequently executed.”
“Oh my Goodness! Y’all executed your King for not knocking?”
“In essence, yes. I suppose in retrospect, it does seem a bit harsh, but you have to see things through their eyes, don’t you know, eh hem?”
“Is that why y’all have a foxy guy fireworks day?”
“No, you see, Guy Fawkes was disenchanted by the entire process. The angry villain took it upon himself to kill every member of Parliament. To this end, he acted to blow up this entire structure.”
“Eek!”
“Indeed. He packed the basement with kegs of gunpowder, and only by the narrowest of margins, was prevented from creating a catastrophe.”
“Gee, whiz!”
“Remembered as ‘The Gunpowder Plot’, Guy Fawkes Day is celebrated by the setting off those same, though vicarious, fireworks which he failed to ignite.”
“Kinda ironic, hunh, Miss Plumtartt.”
“Quite, Mr. Temperance. Ah, here we are at the offices of Lord Dashwoodey. I am searching out an old friend, Lord Dashwoodey’s personal secretary, Redruth Argyle Schtuppe. Oh, Schtupsy, that is you is it not, my dear?”
“My word, can it be? But it is! Persephone dah-ling! How delightful to see you, my dear. What brings you to the Palace?”
“I should like to speak with Woodsy, of course, darling.”
“Oh but Persephone, Lord Dashwoodey is just now meeting with two important Members of Parliament. Woodsy and M.P. Whistlethorpe are consulting with Lord Mortontoh in his offices.”
“That’s perfect, Schtupsy. Now be a good boy and guide us there straight away.”
“Oh, Persephone, you will get me in all sorts of trouble. ~sigh~ So be it, for I find you irresistible, you delectable morsel.”
“Schtupsy, darling, do you happen to know any Members of Parliament, or high ranking officials within Westminster that have but one leg, eh hem?”
“One-legged men? Prosthetic or phantom?”
“Unknown.”
“Missing from the hip or the knee?”
“Again, this is unknown to us.”
“Gee, I guess I was just thinking of a man with one big froggy leg in the middle.”
“Improbable, Mr. Temperance.”
“There’s that old whaler that has purchased a position: Lord Israel Piquodde Ahab. He stomps the halls upon a stump carved from the jawbone of a great whale.”
“Delightful.”
“Member of Parliament Ironstride is equipped with a spring driven prosthetic left leg after an unfortunate shipbuilding accident.”
“How distressing.”
“Member of Parliament, General Granville Ovis Grapeshaut, lost a leg in the Crimean Campaign.”
“I am so sorry.”
“Oh, that reminds me. There is a special regiment of one-legged Palace guards, made up of Crimean veterans.”
“That shoots the number right up there, doesn’t it? Any other official types you can think of, Schtupsy?”
“As we are now arriving at Lord Mortontoh’s offices, I shall ask a couple of my counterparts. Good afternoon old beans. Johnny old boy, do you or Herbertte know of any one-legged chaps hopping about the Palace corridors? My friend Persephone is interested in monolithic man.”
“Schtupsy, you cad. Shame on you for not making proper introductions. Persephone, you absolutely radiate with beauty and refinement, my child. You must be the famous Persephone Plumtartt! Of course you are! I am thrilled to meet you my dear, my name is Johnny, Johnny Goldbuckets.”
“Watch him, Persephone, he’s a charmer! More often than not, our Johnny is known as ‘Smiling’ Johnny Goldbuckets.”
“Ho, ho, I say, thanks for the warning, Schtupsy. What is your position here in Westminster, Smiling Johnny, eh hem?”
“Persephone, I have the honour of being personal secretary to Member of Parliament Whistlethorpe, the Naval Secretary. This is a gravely important and influential position and a responsibility I shoulder proudly. Nevertheless, should you have need of assistance beyond what our Schtupsy can provide, please allow me to be your escort. I freely offer my services as you seek this one-legged Parliamentarian.”
“Oh no you don’t Johnny, not before I have had a chance to introduce myself. Good afternoon, Persephone and welcome to Westminster. I am Lord Mortontoh’s personal secretary, Herbertte Marshall. Should you need shelter from the avalanche of charm and sophistication that is our Smiling Johnny, please do not hesitate to call upon me.”
“Smiling Johnny Goldbuckets and Herbertte Marshall, I am delighted to make your acquaintances, gentlemen. However, if you could see to answering my earlier inquiry as pertains to one-legged men in the halls.”
“Is your quest for the gentleman to wish him well, or is this a matter of a sensitive nature?”
“A delicate affair of state, I should think.”
“As a matter of fact, Persephone, I do happen to know of someone.”
“Who might that be, Mr. Goldbuckets?”
“Herbertte!”
“Dash it all, Johnny, I go to great effort in disguising the awful thing.”
“Why Mr. Marshall, I never would have suspected.”
“It’s true, Persephone, but as it happens, I too know of a one-legged man in the vicinity.”
“And whom might this be, Herbertte, dear?”
“Smiling Johnny Goldbuckets!”
“Hah! I thought my leg, or lack thereof, was the best kept secret in Parliament!”
“It is, Johnny, old chap, it is. Oh, I say, the Members are prepared to see us. After you, Persephone, darling.”
“Thank you, Herbertte.”
“Your footman may remain outside.”
“No, Mr. Temperance is not an employee. He is a trusted companion.”
“Howdy, y’all.”
“Persephone, you can’t be serious. This creature cannot be presented to the M.P.’s.”
“It
is a matter of National Security.”
“Very well, then. Lord Mortontoh, Member of Parliament Whistlethorpe and Lord Dashwoodey, I present you Miss Persephone Plumtartt and her not footman.”
“Persephone Plumtartt! What brings you to Westminster, my lovely child?”
“I suspect a sinister plot by anarchy-minded globalists which intends to strike at the heart of the Empire and from there, take over the world.”
“How can this be, Persephone?”
“I maintain that a deeply planted mole in these very halls is secretly financing a private military vessel with the idea of controlling the world’s oceanic commerce.”
“Ridiculous! The Royal Navy rules the oceans!”
“Not if some diabolical new ‘beneath the surface’ boat is utilized.”
“Beneath the surface boat? A ship that sinks itself? Good riddance. Burbity.”
“The possibilities of such a craft lie in its ability to hide beneath the ocean waves, and to then sink by way of motorized munitions, any ship that happens by its eelish lair.”
“Harumph. What sort of coward hides underwater, instead of facing his enemy like a man?”
“I say, this would be a war-winning sort of coward, Lord Mortontoh. I might add, there is nothing cowardly about operating such a fantastic craft. I pray you do not underestimate the sagacity of our foes.”
“By Jove, arrest the scoundrels at once! Burbity!”
“Would that we knew who they are, m’Lord. This gentleman, Mr. Temperance of the United States, has been secretly employed to work on the project. I recommend allowing Mr. Temperance, to continue his project with a mind toward gaining actionable data. When the moment arrives, we shall snatch up this ambitious mouse and gaggle of anarchy-minded mice in the talons of Royal retribution.”
“Hear, hear. Jolly good. Burbity.”
“Let me speak with the Temperance chap. Come here, boy.”
“Yessir, Mr. Goldbuckets, sir!”
“What’s your first name, lad?”
“Ichabod, sir.”
“Hah! Ichabod is it? That’s just fine; a good honest, name that is. Tell me, Ichabod, are you a trustworthy sort?”
“Yessir!”
“Hah! Bless me, but I knew it straight away. The moment you walked in, I says to meself I says, Smiling Johnny Goldbuckets, there is a lad that is loyal to a fault and smart as paint. That’s what I thought, just the moment I clapped eyes on you, boy, strike me dead if I’m lying. I asks you, Ichabod, was I wrong, boy?”
“Nossir!”
“Good! Splendid! Bless my buttons! Now then, the way I sees it, we’ve got our own little spy in the enemy’s camp right now. Can we count on you to do your duty for God and Country?”
“Yessir!”
“Even if the country is not your own?”
“Yessir, but I don’t know nothing about being no spy.”
“Now, don’t you worry about that, Ichabod, you just do as you’re told, and all will end well.”
“Yessir, but ain’t spying kind of deceitful? I don’t know if I like that too much.”
“Oh, it’s just a wee little fibby, Ichabod. Besides, this is a matter of National Security.”
“Yessir.”
“Good boy! You might end up winning a ribbon!”
“Gosh!”
“I say, Mr. Temperance will be pursuing one end of this investigative thread, whilst you men of Westminster attend to finding this Parliamentarian connection. You gentlemen must flush out our palace spy from within.”
“Bup, bup, bup. A bit of the old ‘cloak and dagger’ business then, eh? Splendid. What shall we do here, Persephone?”
“Thank you, Lord Mortontoh. This war-craft is being financed by government funds. This is most probably disguised as some mundane and officious bureaucratic project. We must trace their source. Lord Dashwoodey is Secretary over the Navy. Lord Mortontoh’s Exchequer's office tracks the funds that course through the Empire’s veins. The money is disguised somehow. I hope that Herbertte will track the moneys involved. M.P. Whistlethorpe’s office of industrial development might track the requisite engineers for such a project. I have advice for you all, beyond your search for the culprits. I must caution you to be wary, gentlemen. There is a saboteur among your fellows. He wears two faces: One is kind and affectionate. This is the face of an England-loving patriot. The facade is a falsehood most infamous. The man’s true face scorns his fellow countrymen. Whilst he wears the banner of patriotism, his dark heart cares only for himself. He is completely self-absorbed and is driven by an unquenchable thirst for power.”
“An unquenchable thirst for power, you say? Sounds like she’s talking about you, Herbertte.”
“”Ho, ho! It sounds as if she is speaking of anyone in Westminster, Johnny.”
“Harumph. A traitor in the halls of Parliament; inconceivable! I relish the thought of throttling the throat of this misappropriating mutinist, this political pirate, this sink boat buccaneer. These scoundrels must be stopped at once!”
“I say, there is one man that I fear shall be our undoing, Lord Mortontoh, eh hem?”
“Name him, Persephone, and I shall have him clapped in irons. He will remain there until the end of this Dynasty.”
“The man that I fear will be our downfall is none other than yourself, Lord Mortontoh.”
“What?!? You shall take back that calumnious remark at once, young lady.”
“One does not question your love nor loyalty of country, m’Lord, merely your wide fame at being unable to maintain a secret for more than three seconds.”
“What are you saying, Persephone?”
“I am stating that you are unequivocally the most gossip prone man in the country.”
“You traitorous woman! How dare you impugn me in such an unworthy manner!”
“Ha, ha! Calm yourself, Lord Mortontoh; Persephone is absolutely correct. I dare say there are more wagging tongues in the halls of Westminster, than there are wagging tails in the whole of the canine species. We in this room must pledge ourselves to complete secrecy. Moreover, we must form a sacred affirmation. I, Jonathan Quicksilver Goldbuckets, and all present do hereby pledge by all that we hold honourable, to unearth this traitor and bring these deceitful rogues to justice!”
“Hear, hear!” “Jolly good!” “Right-oh!”
“Burbity.” “Harumph.” “Capital!” “Yessir!”
“Thank you, Johnny. Our Cabal, then, is thus enjoined.”
Chapter Two.
Our Ship sets Sail!
“This here torpeeder project is pretty interesting after all.”
“This thing is like an iron sausage. The beneath-the-surface vessel will have to point towards the whale pack they want to track, and then send their rapid deployment probe on its way. I’ve got me a hot little sausage-shaped engine to fit this thing; I just can’t make up my mind as to having one propeller or two. I like the idea of stacking them. I think I’ll go for two!”
“Uh, oh, I hear Professor DiddleFudde heading this way again. I hope he does not want anymore help with his project. I am feeling like a pin cushion!”
“So, there you are, Temperance. You are there because I am here and I am back again. I am back again of course to suck your blood. Just kidding. But really, don’t move. This won’t hurt a bit.”
“Ow! That hurt, and more than just a bit!”
“Quit being such a mamby-pamby baby! I need to cuff your arm and take your blood pressure. Hmm, not bad considering how many times I have had to bleed you today. Let me see, I need to swab your tonsils.”
“Ghulk.”
“No biting! Now then, I want to take your temperature. No, the other end. Good, now then, I merely need to inject you with this experimental serum and I will be done.”
“Hunh? What experimental serum?”
“None of your business! It is top secret! You must swear to complete confidentiality! This is a matter of vital National Security”
“Oh my Goodness, I
wouldn’t want to do anything wrong, sir.”
“Then keep your big trap shut! Do you understand me?”
“ * ”
“Open your big trap long enough to answer me.”
“Yessir.”
“Now then, run along and attend to your Plumtartt woman. Act normally. She must not be made aware of the experiment. If you notice anything unusual, make note of it and report it directly to me at your first opportunity.”
“Yessir.”
“Enough with all the ‘yessir-ee-ing’, you daudlemuffin. Attend! Attend! Attend!”
“Golly, that old Professor DiddleFudde managed to shove me down three flights of stairs with all that ‘attend’ yelling.”
“It’s good to be outside in the street. I’ll just lock this door. Now to finding Miss...”
“Oh, yoo-hoo! I say, Mr. Temperance, here I am.”
“Howdy there, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I didn’t expect you to be waiting out here on the sidewalk.”
“I say, this will be my first time to witness a Guy Fawkes celebration while actually here in the City. I enjoy fireworks displays and have been quite looking forward to tonight’s celebrations. Do you enjoy fireworks as well, Mr. Temperance?”
“Oh, yes, Ma’am! I think there is a little pyromaniac in all of us!”
“Perhaps that little impulse could be released if the proper switch were unlatched.”
“Kind of like, on the one hand, you want to put a fire out, but on the other hand, you like to watch it burn.”
“I suppose pyrotechnica could be seen to have a duality.”
“There go some fireworks over there, Miss Plumtartt!”
“Oh, jolly good, yes, quite, good show chappies, I say.”
“Oof! I could actually feel the concussion from that skyburst display, Miss Plumtartt!”
“So too, did I, Mr. Temperance.”
“Oooh, a giant starburst, Ma’am!”
“Enormous, sir.”
“Ahhh, a secondary explosion.”
“Satisfactory.”
“A spinning pinwheel!”
“Dangerous.”
“The sky is full of dazzling delights, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am.”
“Just so, Mr. Temperance.”
“Hunh? What are you doing, Ma’am?”
“I am tilting my head back for a better view of the sky, Mr. Temperance. It is merely a happy coincidence that this action should bring it to rest upon your shoulder. This does not discomfort you much, eh hem?”
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 3
