“Um, no Ma’am, I reckon it don’t discomfort me too much none.”
“I am so happy, for I confess, the physical contact does bring a feeling of comfort for oneself.”
“Um, yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I reckon it’s a comfort for oneself on this end of things too.”
“One is overjoyed.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Inexplicably, the fireworks engender a mood romantic, wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Temperance, eh hem?”
“Yes, ... Ma’am.”
“I can envision a young couple, a pair of lovers, actually, pictured in amorous embrace, kissing one another without restraint, caught in silhouette by a backdrop of firework display. Is this not a pleasing notion, Mr. Temperance, eh hem”
…
“I say, eh hem?”
…
“Eh, hem?”
“... Yeah, … I know what you mean... The, fireworks, … they’re so, … pretty...”
“Mr. Temperance?”
“Guy Fawkes... Gunpowder... Fire...”
“Mr. Temperance, you seem distracted.”
“Yeah...”
“Mr. Temperance, you have a mad gleam in your eye, sir.”
“Yeah...”
“Your hands, your face; they are sprouting with coarse hair!”
“...rrr...”
“Mr. Temperance, come back!”
“Where are you going?”
“Mr. Temperance!”
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fire.
Fire
Every.
Where.
It’s in the,
sky.
It’s in the,
air.
It’s on the,
ground.
It’s all a,
round.
Concussive,
blast.
Sonic,
fast.
Booms get,
louder.
Blessed,
powder.
The booms, they come from the river, the river, the river. Celestial blossoms of momentary incendiary immensity guide my path. Rockets fly from that bridge, bridge, bridge.
“Hey, easy there, mate. Where do you think you’re going? This area is off limits. Stay back with the spectators, sonny.”
“..rrrrrr...”
“Eek! It’s a monkey! That animal is tampering with the ordnance. Stay away from those munitions, you goofy gorilla!”
“..rrrrrr...”
“You could blow up the bridge, you dangerous animal. Stop that! Now, I’ve got you!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
~stroike!~
Yeah.
London Bridge is falling down,
falling down,
falling down.
Yeah.
London Bridge is falling down.
It’s blowing, up, up, up/up!
“Blimey, boys, that little fire chimp is trying to set off the whole show at once! Grab him!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Got you, you awful little pyro-monkey!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“The ugly brute is strong! Everybody hang on tight!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Beware of the feisty creature’s claws and fangs!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Augh! And be sure to beware his awful breath!”
“Bleh-Rargh!”
“Augh! Don’t let the human clothes fool you, this chimpanzee is vicious!”
“Hurry, let’s pitch him in the river! Ready men? One... two... heave!”
“Happy Guy Fawkes Day!”
“B
l
e
h
-
R
a
r
g
h!”
~splash!~
~ * * * ~
“Ah, Mr. Temperance, there you are. I was beginning to wonder if you would be making an appearance this morning, eh hem?”
“Hunh?”
“You are tardy, sir. Moreover, I am unhappy as concerns your abrupt departure from our date. Can you explain your inexplicable behaviour?”
“Um, I don’t rightly remember nothing, Ma’am. I don’t reckon I was feeling too good.”
“I am not surprised to hear it, sir. You were not yourself, when last I saw you.”
“Golly, Miss Plumtartt, I wish I could explain myself, but I ain’t got a clue as to where I’ve been. All I remember is leaving out of the workshop. I don’t recollect nothing else ‘til I woke up in an alley along the wharf before dawn. I think I must have gone for a dip, ‘cause my clothes are all soggy.”
“One hopes you did not get up to some mischief or another during this mesmeric spell. Let us see that you suffer no more bouts of amnesia, Mr. Temperance. Something must have occurred to you while at work. Do you recall what this might have been? Perhaps Professor Diddlefudde is involved, eh hem?”
“But you told me to pretend not to know that I know that you know that I had already divulged this project of National Security to you when they said not to, and I have to do as I’m told because of National Security and such and I don’t think I am supposed to say anything about being a test subject for Professor Diddlefudde, Ma’am.”
“One sees. You have answered me sufficiently, sir. I will see to Professor Diddlefudde. In the mean time, I forbid you from anymore experimentation participation, eh hem?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Good, let us speak no more of it.”
“Yes, Ma’am. Oh, the woman sitting behind you is trying to get your attention, Miss Plumtartt.”
“Good morning, folks, I’m sorry to interrupt, but would you mind sharing your sugar?”
“Of course not, my dear. Here is the sugar.”
“Thank you. Hello, wait a moment, I know you. You’re Persephone Plumtartt! I have followed your many adventures. It is a thrill to meet you, Persephone!”
“Thank you, Miss?...”
“Jigglemire! Dipsy Jigglemire. You can call me Dipsy! I’m a top-notch newspaper reporter, I am. Anything worth covering in this city is sure to have Dipsy Jigglemire all over it. Ha, ha! Yeah, sure, you can bet your typesetter on it, sister. Whoiy, here’s me latest article:”
The Morning Splendour
Mad Anarchist attempts
to Blow up London Bridge!
London, England, November 6, 1877.
~By Dipsy Jigglemire.
Yesterday’s Guy Fawkes celebration was intended to be a day of wholesome, patriotic enjoyment for our fair city. While the bulk of the population frolicked in harmless patriotic joy, outside a few terrified pets, occasional lost eyes, or errant fires, there are normally no untoward mishaps associated with the drunken, and incendiary-laden holiday.
That was until last night’s Gunpowder Plot celebrations. London Bridge, laden with revelers for a prime view of the fireworks display, came under assault by a maddened beast. Reports vary, but many witnesses are swearing that the structure was attacked by some sort of ape in a cheap suit. Callously striking down all who opposed him, a creature assaulted the armament squads tending to the firework display. The monkey is said to have been intent on setting the entire stock of munitions ablaze. This action would very likely have taken many lives and caused great damage. After a fierce struggle, a quick thinking mob hurriedly cast the vicious little monster into the Thames. We, as a city collective, hope that the monster broke his neck in the fall and drowned. Further, it is our fervent prayer that this anarch-ape now lies in the river’s silty bottom, food for the prawn.
“Ha, ha! What a story, eh?”
“Golly, Miss Jigglemire, that there’s a hoot to holler about, Ma’am, and that’s a fact.”
“An American! Hello, there, little fella, what’s your name?”
“Ichabod Temperance, Ma’am!”
“Ichabod! Ha, ha! Nice to meet you, Icky, you can calls
me Dipsy!”
“Gosh, that sure is exciting, you being an investigative girl reporterette for a big metropolitan newspaper, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am. How did you get the low-down on the skinny?”
“It’s on account of my fiancé being the lead detective on the case! Persephone and Icky, meet Scotland Yard’s handsomest, most brilliant, and greatest detective ever, Nichodimus Cobblechunk.”
“Hello Miss Plumtartt. Nice to meet you Temperance. I tell you, this is a great time to be a London detective! We enjoy the world’s most modern crime fighting technology! No criminal that wishes to escape justice had better fall within our sights. As dependable as the tide upon the Thames, we bag our man, every time, and you can bet the rent on it. Whether the fiend be ape or man or something in between, Scotland Yard will surely bring him to heel. We have searched the river looking for last night’s scoundrel. We have not found him yet, but we will, just you mark me words.” ~sniff.~ “What’s that smell? It’s the boy. Temperance, you smell rather musty. Here, what’s this? Your sleeve is damp! What’s the meaning of this? Come now, out with it this instant!”
“Well, you see, what happened was...”
“Oh, I say, I have a reasonable explanation! Eh hem, yes, let’s see, eh, oh yes, I, eh, accidentally pushed Mr. Temperance into a rain barrel.”
“Hunh? What are you talk...Ow! You kicked me, Ma’am!”
“Shush, Mr. Temperance!”
“Ha, ha! ‘Rain barrel’? Ha, ha! That is perfectly preposterous, Persephone! You’re lying!”
“Bah! Dipsy’s right! I’m an experienced Scotland Yard detective. She is an ace crime reporter. You can’t lie to us, Persephone, and expect to get away with it.”
“Ha, ha! Out with it, Persephone, it’s obvious to us all what’s going on here, isn’t it, Nichodimus.”
“Aye. I advise ye’ tae speak with truth this time, Miss Plumtartt.”
“I, … I say, I, … don’t know what to say.”
“One word says it all, Persephone.”
“You’ve got that right, Dipsy.”
“‘Accidentally!’”
“Bwahhhhhhh, hwah, hwah, hwah! Did you ever hear a better one than that, Dipsy? She says she ‘accidentally’ pushed him into a rain barrel! Bwah, hwah, hwah!”
“Whooo-whooooooo! Yeah roight! That was directly after Icky ‘accidentally’ had his arm around the wrong girl’s waist! Whooo-whoooooo!”
“No, Ma’am, Miss Dipsy, Ma’am, it weren’t that way at... Ow!”
“OOOOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhh, I say, you two sleuths have found us out eh, ha, ha, as it were, eh hem?”
“That’s enough play now, Miss Plumtartt. Let’s have it, and let’s have it true.”
“Nichodimus is right, love. You can tell Dipsy what really happened.”
“Er, I say, ehhhh...”
“You caught Icksy wiff ‘is trousers down!”
“Hey!”
“Ha, ha! Inflagrant’e!”
“No, y’all! It weren’t like that at all!”
“Hee, hee! Practicing the horizontal boogaloo with a comely instructor!”
“Oh my Goodness, no Ma’am!”
“Hah! He’s blushing as red as a beet, Dipsy! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!”
“You see, what happened was...”
“Yes! Hear, hear! Oops! I mean to say, I say, his, that is, your, wandering eye brings me to anger in a terrible flash, Mr. Temperance. I am extremely embarrassed by the entire escapade.”
“But Miss... uhh, never mind.”
“Now, now, we mustn’t keep these two professionals from their appointed tasks, Mr. Temperance. You are expected in your workshop, and I am expected at Westminster.”
“Westminster? The Yard investigated a murder there yesterday. The victim was identified as a radical Scotland separatist: ‘Two-fingered’ Mackie Dugan. This man was a known bomb maker and anarchist.”
“Anarchist? Like that there feller on the bridge y’all are after?”
“Mr. Temperance, shush! Oops, er, that is, far be it for we to instruct these detectives on their valued work.”
“Great Exploding Bomb Threat Stories, these kids are right, Nichodimus! Both the murder victim and this bridge bomber are mad with incendiary insanity. They have to be connected!”
“Why, Dipsy, if it had not been for Ichabod and Persephone, we might have missed a vital clue! Thanks, Persephone and Ichabod; you have been of tremendous help in solving this case! Goodbye, my new friends, I must hurry on to Scotland Yard. I have work to do!”
“You and me both, Nichodimus! Ciao, kittens!”
“Wow! A real ace lady reporter and a Scotland Yard detective! They sure are something, Miss Plumtartt. I sure wouldn’t want to be the criminal they’re after.”
“Eh hem, yes, well, ehm, tell me more of your work yesterday.”
“Well, I was left a big old set of blank blueprints and written instructions to design a swimmy iron sausage. Dang, Miss Plumtartt, if whoever gets those plans ever builds one, that little sausage will scoot, I tell you what.”
“Did you complete your appointed task?”
“Yes, Ma’am, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. I ended up helping Professor DiddleFudde with some of his work.”
“Excellent, Mr. Temperance, you must keep up the illusion of cooperation.”
“Hunh?”
“You must appear sympathetic to our enemies, whilst remaining true to your core ideals.”
“Gee, I don’t like the sound of that, Ma’am. That’s kind of like talking out of both sides of your mouth.”
“Sir?”
“The inside and the outside.”
“One sees, but under the circumstances, please remember to whom your loyalty lies.”
“You.”
“No.”
“Home.”
“No.”
“Truth.”
“Yes. No. Maybe. Blast it, Mr. Temperance, just trust me and stick to the story.”
“It ain’t right to tell a story, when folks ought to tell the truth.”
“This is a case of National Security!”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Good, now then, here we are at your engineer studio. Stay here all day. Do not leave until I arrive back to pick you up. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Follow your instructions and stay out of trouble!”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“And no more experiments with Professor Diddlefudde!”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
~ * * * ~
“Blast you, Temperance, quit squirming when I try to look in your ear. Have you experienced dizziness? Exhaustion? Diarrhea? Fainting? Lapses of memory?...”
“Hey, maybe that last one.”
“‘Lapses of memories’; it figures.”
“Sorry, Professor DiddleFudde, sir.”
“Have you made progress with the Plumtartt woman?”
“What do you mean by progress?”
“‘What do I mean by ‘progress’’! What do you think I mean? I mean, did you make any moves on her in relation toward building a relationship that has to do with romance of a graphic nature is what I mean. You know, the kissing, the smooching, the canoodling.”
“Oh, nossir! I would have remembered that, sir!”
“You and me both, kid. So, I merely have to make a minor adjustment in the serum to get the desired results.”
“What desired results?”
“None of your business, now don’t move, this won’t hurt a bit.”
“You always say that, but...Ow! Hey, that hurt! Now, Professor, I done told you that I was through with your experiments! You’ve got to stop sticking me with them there needles and injecting me with whatnots!”
“Quiet, sissy-boy, and get out of my office. It’s time for you to leave.”
“Yessir.”
“Try to make a little progress!”
“Yessir.”
Gee, out of Professor Diddlefudde’s office, down the stairs and out
the front door. This little door on Cheapside is so small, it’s hard to step out without being run down by sidewalk traffic.
“Yoo, hoo, Mr. Temperance. Please step into this cab and shut the door. I am taking no chances with you.”
“Yes, Ma’am.”
“Report.”
“Well, I showed up in my office this morning and what do you know? My terpeeder plans were gone and a fresh set of blanks and instructions were in their place.”
“Details.”
“They wanted my terpeeder to be able to track any fishies that tried to elude it.”
“ I see. Did you accomplish this duty?”
“Yes, Ma’am. I left the plans and then helped Professor DiddleFudde.”
“Very good, I approve of the subterfuge you are creating. Oops! I mean, good boy, Mr. Temperance.”
“I want to make up for your not having a good time last night, Miss Plumtartt.”
“Not to worry, Mr. Temperance, the incident is behind us. I wish for us both to spend the evening safely ensconced in one another’s rooms and beds.”
“But I want to go out, Miss Plumtartt! I don’t remember nothing from last night. I’ve been cooped up all day and I want to go out!”
“Very well, we shall take in a short show and then make an early evening of it, sir.”
“Gee, whiz, that’s awfully swell, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Thanks!”
“Perhaps you would enjoy the sights of ‘Healthy Helen’s Hippodrome of Hefty Heroines’?”
“Uhh.”
“‘Penelope’s Perpetual Parade of Pleasing Playthings’?”
“Goodness, no!”
“‘Barbarella’s Boudoir of Bounty and Joy’?”
“That sort of stuff is for grown ups!”
“Of course, Mr. Temperance, I am teasing you. I suggest we enjoy an early show of the ‘Footlight Follies’, that is directly here at hand.”
“This here is a cute little theater, Miss Plumtartt, Ma’am. Looky there, they got ‘em a little song and dance duo. Two fellers dressed in matching striped trousers and straw hats.”
Looking at you,
Puts me at ease.
Looking at you,
I know life is a breeze.
Looking at you,
brings the warmth of tea,
because,
Looking at you,
is like loo~~~king, at me!
“I say, isn’t that just adorable, wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Temperance?”
The Two Faces of Temperance Page 4
