by Lynn Red
“You mean it?” she asked. “You’ll really be my friend? I’m so lonely since we came back... if you’ll be my friend I’d like that,” she sniffed. “I’d like that a lot.”
Sitting there outside, surrounded by these two people who suddenly felt very close to me, I felt my heart break for the second time in one night.
-8-
Lilah
I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone breathe so peacefully.
I closed Charlotte’s Web, which Rex insisted was Leena’s favorite book because she liked the pig so much, and tried to shuffle out from under her without causing too much commotion.
Even at six, Leena was still very much a bear. She was small, not much more than three and a half feet tall, but she was dense. She had muscles in her arms and neck that I only dreamed of having on my very best gym days. Every time the little cub took a breath, she made a cooing sound that was almost like a leftover remnant from being a baby.
Rex walked into the bedroom and crooked his head to get a look. “Cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” he whispered. “You two make a good pair.”
I blushed and smiled, but I knew he was right. I’d never felt so warm and pleased with myself as I did when Leena started curling my hair around her fingers, and then started snoring gently.
When I stopped reading, she stirred a little and mumbled something about how I should keep going, so I did.
For thirty more minutes.
Anyway, by the time Rex came back with a glass of wine and a tray of bruschetta – which, by the way, did I mention that he’s literally the most perfect man in the world? He makes bruschetta! And he does it right, with the chopped tomatoes, a little onion, sprinkled with parmesan and baked under the broiler until it’s all crunchy and... Well, needless to say, when the scent of basil and oregano and home grown tomatoes hit my nose, I suddenly had the urge to say goodnight to my new friend and join the other one.
“She won’t wake up,” he said, a little louder than I expected. Rex grabbed Leena’s arm, which had somehow snaked around me, and lifted it off my lap.
Sneaking as best I could, I got up off the bed. The mattress only squeaked the smallest little squeak, but just like he said, she didn’t stir. Rex was beaming. I could see the pride, the love, the devotion, all wrapped up in a protective layer. If anyone messed with her, I had a feeling they’d really, really regret making that choice.
“Look at that,” he said, as he led me by the hand toward the bedroom door. “I haven’t seen her do that since she was three or four. You must’a really cast some kind of relaxation spell on her.”
Rex slid his hand around the small of my back, warming my skin through my thin, cotton He-Man t-shirt. The thrill that crept down my belly and between my legs embarrassed me a little, but somehow it didn’t seem to matter very much.
He rubbed my back just above the waistband of my jeans. “Look at her,” he whispered. “My little girl. All snuggled up and fuzzy.”
As I watched, Leena started snoring gently, in the way that only little kids with clean consciences can snore. One of her hands flopped over, off her belly, and thumped lightly on the mattress. Light brown hairs sprouted out of her arms and chest and face. Before long, her ears had rounded off, and she was grumbling, rolled up in a ball. I walked across the room on my tiptoes and pulled the blanket up around her fuzzy chin.
When I returned to Rex’s side, and put his arm back around my waist and pulled me close. “She never does that for me,” he said with a grin. “Last time I remember her sleep shifting was when her mother was still alive. And that was... wow, must’ve been four years ago now. Leena was just going on two. Her mom was still mostly healthy...”
I squeezed back when he trailed off and looked up at Rex’s face expecting to see sadness. Instead, he was beaming. “You’re, uh, this is going to sound crazy,” he grinned. “But I think you’re good for her. She really took to you.”
I didn’t know what to say. I just watched her rising, falling chest, and the gentle fluttering of her eyes. Every now and then her fingertips waggled, like she was playing a dream-piano. As I did, the most bizarre feeling of calm, comfortable warmth spread over me, just like that big, fuzzy blanket wrapped around Leena. I found myself squeezing Rex’s hand in mine.
Soon though, my heart started pounding. Am I good for her? I asked myself. Or is it just that I’m here and no one else is? What do I have to offer a little girl? I’m just a painter with no plan except to paint more. I’m just a raccoon with a slightly questionable past and three misdemeanor theft arrests. What is it that makes me so good for her?
I guess Rex felt me start to tense up. “Come on,” he said in his easy, soft voice. “We got some wine to drink. And, this bruschetta isn’t going to stay hot forever.”
I’m not ashamed in any way whatsoever to admit that when my heart starts pounding and my pulse races, the quickest way to calm me down is with some Malbec and a plate of bruschetta. And here I was, with a man who either knew exactly what I needed, or was really good at guessing.
He balanced the plate on his forearm and both stemmed glasses in one hand. With the other he warmed the small of my back one more time, as if to tell me that everything was okay, that I had nothing to worry about.
And damn if the smell of parmesan, roasted tomatoes, freshly toasted bread and the vague hint of acidic sweetness from the wine didn’t help.
*
“How long have you been here?” he asked as we gently swayed back and forth on the low-hanging swing on the front porch. Each time we went forward, the chains attaching the bench to the frame squeaked lightly.
I checked my watch. “About an hour and ten?” I asked, smiling up at him and knowing very well that’s not what Rex was getting at. He watched me, and I just shrugged. “I don’t remember, actually.”
That got a little bit of a funny look.
I curled one of my legs up and used it as a rest for my chin. The other I let swing back and forth with enough force to make us sway. “What?” I asked when I noticed Rex’s sidelong gaze. “I’m not making it up. I have nothing but weird, vague memories of being a little tiny girl.”
“Really?” Rex asked. He took a long drink of his wine, finished it, and then opened a beer. He stuck an entire bruschetta in his mouth and swallowed after chewing three times. “If you don’t want to talk about it, I—”
“I... have two sets of parents.”
He looked out over the shrubs. A relaxed calm spread over Rex’s face as he listened. He snuck his fingers in between mine and circled the back of my hand slowly with his thumb. I think that was the first time someone ever bothered to hold my hand, as weird as that sounds.
I kinda froze, not really knowing how to react. Gently, he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, and looked over at me, letting his eyes warm my soul. “It’s all right,” he said. “I was serious – if you don’t want to talk about it, I won’t bother you anymore. Just... I want you to be comfortable around me. I want you to know you’re safe with me, just like you calming me.”
“Mine were... Not good. My first set, I mean. They were kinda... well, I don’t want to get all weird on you, so I’ll skip some of the worst.”
Rex squeezed my hand. “I want you to tell me whatever you want to tell me. If you want to talk weird shit, talk weird shit. If you want to tell me only good things, tell me that. If you want to make up a crazy story and pretend you’re someone you’re not, I probably won’t believe you, but feel free. I’ll act like I buy it.”
“Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked, momentarily deflecting my shitty childhood. “I’m not doing anything anybody else wouldn’t.”
“Burgers,” he said. “You brought me those burgers. Which reminds me.”
Rex reached into his shirt pocket, but something made me put my hand on his chest. “If you don’t pay me,” I said, “then we’ll have to see each other again.”
“Do we need an excuse?”
I shrugged. “Never
hurts to have one. Sometimes it makes it easier to, you know, commit? I don’t know.” Nervously, I giggled. “I’m acting like an idiot. Listen to me.”
“No,” Rex said, his voice suddenly very serious. “You don’t sound stupid at all. You sound like someone with a good soul who has a lot of buried pain.”
A puff of air came out of my nose. “Yeah, I guess... I guess that’s true. I, uh, I had a pretty bad go at it, you know?”
I waited for him to say something, but instead he just squeezed my hand tighter. Great. He cooks, he’s a great dad, and he knows how to listen. How the hell am I ever going to get myself out of falling in love with this guy?
“I don’t trust,” I gulped. “Easy, I mean. I... Okay you want the long version or the short one?”
“It’s a school day tomorrow,” Rex said with a grin.
I pursed my lips, then let a quick laugh escape my lips. And thank goodness for that laugh. It cut straight through all the tension; it split the ache in my chest in half and let me breathe. “Short version it is,” I said, smiling.
His palm against mine was so warm and comfortable that I could hardly imagine what it would be like to not have him.
I took a long, deep breath, inhaling the coming rain and the smell of Rex’s almost-gone cologne. “My parents didn’t really know what to do with me. They, uh... well I was born in Clinton, about an hour down the road. Clinton’s a weird place. It’s nothing but normal old humans, and it’s down the road from, you know, this place. Anyway, I was born there, my parents were in and out of jail – luckily only one would get thrown in the can at a time – and then eventually, when I was about seven, they left me to an uncle.”
“Jesus,” Rex said, taking another drink. Quickly he returned to listening.
“Yeah, I... well, this uncle, he ended up being kind of a horror.”
I saw Rex prickle.
“No, no, not like that. Nothing like that. He was just a drunk. None of my problems are his fault. He didn’t know what to do with me, so he ended up shipping me to a home.”
Rex was shaking his head.
“I’m making it sound worse than it was. But anyway, he died and I ended up on the streets at eight when I ran away from said home. Stealing, making my way the only way I could. I kinda... I don’t talk about it much because I was honestly a pretty awful person for a lot of my life.”
“But it turned around,” Rex said. “And it sounds to me like you were just doing what you had to do.”
“Yeah,” I paused. “I guess you’re right. But, anyway the Jorgensons took me in – I don’t even remember my actual last name – and straightened me out. I’ll never understand why they went through all that for me though. I’d been picked up four times for petty theft by the time I was twelve and... I guess there just wasn’t anywhere for me to go.”
Rex’s eyes were distant, but he was still squeezing my hand. “They did it because they saw the same thing in you that I see. Everyone can see your kind heart, and the way when you smile. Your eyes kind of twinkle when you smile, you know. It makes me calm, and calm for me is not something that comes easy.”
For a second we just sat in silence, him tracing gentle circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. “You know you’re worth it, right?” he asked, breaking the silence. “Leena sure took a liking to you. I haven’t seen her get that snuggly with anyone in a long time.”
The way he said ‘long time’ made it stick in my head a little. It was almost like he was insinuating that I replaced...
“I can’t do that,” I said, suddenly. I felt like my heart was either going to explode or twist up until a knot and choke me. “I can’t... this, I mean, I can’t do this. I’m not ready, I can’t handle being—”
“Lilah!” Rex said, trying to hold my hand as I pulled away. “What are you talking about? You’re not replacing anyone. I was just saying that she likes you, that you’re good with her. I’m sorry if I scared you, I don’t—”
I knew this was going to happen from the second I spied on them through the window. I knew I’d let this get to a point where I felt like I was taking a turn and there was no going back. Just like always. You never can manage to do anything for long enough to make it right. The self-defeating voice in my head rang in my ears like a church bell that has no respect for the fact that it’s eight in the morning and you’ve got a hangover and not going to church anyway.
“If you want to go slow, I can do that. I do things fast, I take risks and don’t look back. But for you? I’ll go slow, or try at least.”
I pulled my hand away as soon as I realized he’d caught it again. What was I doing? What was I thinking? I can’t even begin to figure out what was rushing through my head. Was it just that everything was going too good, and I needed to do something perfectly Lilah to muck it all up and make sure it stopped before it could start?
I clenched my jaw shut, to keep myself from saying anything that would fix what I knew already was a monumental screw-up. Because after all, without self-sabotage, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Biting the insides of both my lips, my chin trembled and the tears heating up the corners of my eyes in the instant before they fell.
But just to run away and not say anything? After he’d been so nice? I might be sorta wonky, but I’m not that bad.
“I’m sorry,” I squeaked. “It isn’t that you’re too fast or that you’re too slow, I think it’s that you’re too perfect and I can’t have anything this good in my life without constantly questioning it and thinking it’s going to disappear every morning when I wake up.” I sniffled, pushing my glasses back up my nose.
Rex studied my face, shaking his head. Those tattoos around his eyes seemed to come to life, and the big one running down his muscled forearm flexed every time he moved. “If it’s something I did...”
“No,” I said, shaking. “It’s me. I’m scared. Even though I haven’t been able to admit it to myself until right now, I’m admitting it to both of us. I’m scared of being responsible for... Shit, I’m scared of being responsible for myself, much less someone else.”
“You don’t,” he started, and then stopped.
“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” I said. Those hot, stinging sensations in my eyes had turned to slow, fat drops that rolled down my cheeks. “I never wanted to hurt anyone. I can’t, Rex, I’m sorry. I can’t risk letting you down, letting her down.” I shook my head. “I’m too weak for this. I don’t feel like it most of the time, but every now and then? It hits me right in the stomach and I just can’t bring myself to do this.”
“Hey, now,” Rex said, reaching out one of his calm, patient hands and stroking my hair. “I understand, this is a sorta rough thing to be dropped into. I don’t want you to feel like I’m forcing you into anything.” He shrugged, smiling. “This is... well, look, this is what it is. I’m me, and Leena’s Leena and you’re you. If you want to come hang out, play some Mario or whatever it is she likes, then that’s perfect. If that’s too much, I understand. I really, really understand.”
He paused for a second.
“You know why I turned into a celibate monk? It’s not because I don’t want to feel someone against my skin, or because I don’t need, with every fiber of my being, someone to hold at night. It’s because I’m like you. I don’t want anyone hurt by what I’ve got in my baggage. I know I’m not easy, and so,” he let out a long breath. “So that’s where we are. I know it’s hard and I don’t blame you for being scared.”
Rex was being serious. Every word that came out of his mouth was the truth. I knew it was. So why couldn’t I believe it? Why do I always do this?
I turned away, not wanting him to see me cry, but from the tears running down my face, you’d never know. Truth was? I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to be there with him and with Leena, but goddamn if reality wasn’t anything I could be inconvenienced with right then. I convinced myself of a million things I wanted more, none of which I actually did.
Oh my God, I thought. Th
at’s not what’s happening here. I don’t “want” him, I don’t want sex or a boyfriend... This is so much more, this is... I somehow managed to fall in love with this guy.
He watched me, kind eyes flaring in the moonlight.
And then, out of nowhere, he grabbed one of my hands again, held my shoulders and stared into my eyes. “The first time I saw you,” he said in a whisper, “I promised myself I wasn’t going to let you get away, not without a fight. I don’t know what it was about you, but there’s something in your heart, in your soul, that speaks to me. There’s something in there that makes me burn for you in a way I haven’t for anyone else, not even Leena’s mom. And if that makes me a bad person, then... well to hell with it.”
In the space of one breath, he pulled me to him and clutched me hard to his thickly muscled chest. Every beat of Rex’s heart reverberated through me. His breath, hot on the cool night, caressed my throat, and in that instant, the only thing in the universe I wanted more than I wanted to run was for him to kiss me.
I squeezed him back, letting my fingernails scratch him through his shirt.
“I’m not going to make you stay,” he said. “I’d never do that to you, or to anyone. But I’m also not going to let you go without...”
“Without what?” I asked, swallowing hard as I stared up.
My lips opened, expectantly, unconsciously. I could have counted the seconds by the beating in my chest.
And then he did it. He closed his eyes, pulled me close, and tasted me so deep and hard and long that I couldn’t keep my knees from wobbling.
His tongue went in a slow path around the inside of my bottom lip, and then between my teeth, swirling against mine. Rex held me tight, his forearm flexing against the small of my back and his other hand flattened between my shoulder blades. Through the thin fabric separating my skin from his hand his heat burned into me.
The deeper he pressed his tongue, the more I ached, the more I longed to have him make me mine. I burned, I hurt, and the only cure was to have him – all of him – inside me.
