Twenty minutes later we’re entering into a room that is surprising fresh and clean. I take in the surroundings, while a groggy child decides to wake up and be nosey. I let her get down and stretch out her legs after an extremely long ride. We’re not even halfway, so I’m sure it will get worse before we arrive at our destination.
Sadie throws her duffle bag on the bed and goes back out to the vehicle to get something else. She comes back with a suitcase. “What’s in there?”
“My stuff. Hair products, shoes, pictures. I didn’t want to leave it all behind.”
“I left everything. I had to. All I have of Etherly is a picture that’s crumbled in my wallet. She’s pregnant and glowing. It was always my favorite.”
“I’m sorry, Rogan. I can’t imagine how hard that is.”
“Yeah, it’s fine.” I tap on my head. “All my memories are right here.”
“I guess I should call you Ryan.”
“Probably best.”
“Should I call you Rana?”
We both laugh at the same time. They kind of go together. “Wow. I never thought of it. Ryan and Rana. R and R.” She giggles more before yawning. “I need a nap.”
After giving Mila some time to play in the bathtub, I find Sadie sound asleep on one of the double beds. She’s curled up overtop of the covers, so I take my blanket off of mine and drape it over her. Then I pull out the soft fleece blanket that Etherly made for Mila when she was born. It’s not big enough to cover the both of us, but with the sheet it will suffice, especially when I know she’ll be nestled up against me, eventually causing us both to sweat.
Before I can find a peaceful slumber, I stare over at the innocent female going out of her way to help me. I’m appreciative, but also guilt stricken. I don’t want my messed up life to bring her down. When I know we’re safe I’ll make sure we part ways. It’s the right thing to do.
Chapter 13
We hang around the motel until the next evening, mostly because we want to get as much rest as possible, and also travel at night so Mila sleeps. Spending hours stuck in a confined space with someone forces us to get to know more about each other.
I find myself drawn to conversations with Sadie, but question whether I’m actually interested in a friendship, or desperate from not being able to have a normal one for such a long time.
I’ve always been outgoing, so this type of connection comes natural. I feel comfortable with her, but at the same time skeptical. The longer we’re together the more I feel like she’s depending on me to give her a new start. I can’t be responsible for another mouth to feed, but know I have to use her until I’m situated. I often find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to kiss her again. It was nice while it lasted; feeling the touch of another woman after being alone and miserable. The distraction alone was enough to awaken dormant parts of me.
Maybe the danger attracts me to this mysterious woman. She’s telling me about her life, but I feel like she still hides things. She refuses to talk about relationships, other than saying she slept with someone for drugs once. It makes me think back to Etherly and question how she found the means to get her drugs without me knowing. Was she doing favors for dealers too? Is this what junkies’ do for a fix? It disgusts me. I loved her, even through the toughest of times. She wasn’t easy to love either, but I did it. I thought we could get through anything, nonetheless the more time I spend with Sadie the more I wonder if I knew my wife at all.
What is wrong with me? Am I overthinking the last several years of my life? Have I lost my mind?
Our next stop isn’t until we reach Louisiana. We don’t go into New Orleans, even though I can tell Sadie would love to see it. We’re determined to get across the country in a few short days, and can’t take the chance of being recognized when we’re this close to making it.
We stay in another cheap motel, this one only has a king-sized bed. At this point we’ve literally been talking to each other for more than twenty-four hours. I know her favorite color is black. She rode a bike at the age of four, and broke her arm at six. She likes rock music, but also a bit of older country. She was majoring in psychology, or at least hoping to with having to pay for it herself. Her grandmother was nice, but never made her feel wanted. It’s little details that I’ve learned that make me feel more trusting around her, however I don’t let my guard down.
After a bite to eat, we watch some television with Mila playing on the bed between us. Sadie leans in my direction with one hand in her hair while teasing Mila. She seems comfortable with my daughter, but at the same time I wonder if it’s just to impress me. I get the feeling that she’d do or say anything to ensure I don’t leave her behind. The longer we’re together the more she appears to want to keep our newfound friendship going. I know I’m going to always be looking behind my back, where she can start over new and never have to worry about seeing the creeps who are after her. I think I’m just at a point where I’m okay if I’m alone, and it’s time she hears it from my lips. “Sadie, I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done to get us this far.”
“Don’t you dare tell me I can’t tag along. You need me to get through the border, Rogan.”
“True, but I think it’s best if we go our separate ways afterwards.”
She nods. “I get it.”
“You do?”
“I mean, yeah. You never planned on having a third mouth to feed, not that I wouldn’t work too. We’ve only known each other for a couple of days. I can’t expect you to invite me into your life. I know what this is to you, and I’m okay with it.” She plays with Mila’s curls. “I’m glad I got to know you though. I think you’re a good man. Maybe one day you’ll be able to open your heart to someone who can love you as much as you and Mila deserve.”
I have to look away. The idea of being loved seems impossible. How can I ever be with someone and live a lie? I’d be lying to them from the start. We aren’t ever going to be Rogan and Mila again. It’s unfair to include someone into that. “I doubt it. I wouldn’t be interested anyway. My heart died with Etherly.”
I can tell she’s taken back by my admission. “That’s deep, dude. Really deep. Wow. I hope she knew how lucky she was.”
With that, she stands and heads into the bathroom, where I hear the shower turning on. A cartoon plays on the television, attracting Mila’s attention. She rests her tired head on my stomach and watches as the characters tell a story. While she’s occupied I close my eyes and imagine being in the bathroom with Sadie. I know it’s wrong to do so, but I can’t help it. She wears such tight clothing, leaving nothing to my vivid imagination. I’m captivated by the kisses we shared when we first met, and what it could have lead to if she weren’t trying to manipulate me. I even wonder if she thinks about it too.
When I know my daughter has fallen victim to her own sleep deprivation, I situate her in the center of the mattress and sit up. The man in the mirrors reflection looks nothing like the person I used to be. I’m gruff, my hair overgrown and out of control, and my beard is just as wild. I feel like a lumberjack, masculine and dirty. After what seems like an hour, I hear the sound of the shower turning off. I close my eyes and picture Sadie climbing out, a soft towel wrapping around her smooth skin, her slicked back hair falling over her breasts as she leans forward and wipes away the steam in the mirror. Is she primping because of me? Does she want me to notice her, because I do, every single time she’s close. It’s like she’s unknowingly teasing me until I break, and I want her to, at least in my mind.
I find myself standing in front of the bathroom door when it opens, a cloud of steam escaping the small area. “Did you need to get in here?”
I nod and move to the side so she can get by. Our bodies slightly brush, sending an electric shock right to my groin. We make eye contact, and I’m sure she’s thinking the same thing I am. What if we just went with it?
“Was there something you needed, Rogan?”
I nod again, unable to speak with her so close to
me. I could easily lean forward and suck on her sweet, still wet lips. Sadie doesn’t move from her position. She inhales deeply, a hint of a smirk painted over her face.
She drops the towel. “This?”
I keep my eyes focused on her face, fighting the urge to take in every single inch of her perfect body. She’s giving me the opportunity to take what I desire, but parts of me still fight with right and wrong. When I don’t react, she takes my hands, slowly trailing them up to fasten around her waist. I swallow a huge lump in my throat and struggle to find words to say how this makes me feel, how nervous I am to touch another woman after some time. Instead of being fueled by uncertainty, I’ve come to know this person. It’s different then the other night could have turned out. “Touch me,” she whispers against my lips.
My eyes flutter as I struggle to keep from moving too fast. The fight is real, because as soon as I feel those tantalizing lips coursing over mine I’m caught off guard. She’s jumping up into my arms, me leaning her back against the sink to steady her. Our skin presses together, me shirtless and her completely naked. Soft breasts await my touch, our tongues caught up in a playful mingle. We crash into a deeper kiss, the tension only heightening the embrace. I’m rock hard under her body, so close from being able to slide in without permission. My mouth licks away the remaining water beads on her neck as I explore her sweet tasting skin for the first time. I’m at the nape, her head turning to the side to allow me space. My hands drift until they’re both cupping Sadie’s supple breasts. She’s so lovely I want to go slow, but the burn between my legs taunts me to tear her apart. I’m alive again, a piece of me seeing light after being trapped in a deep endless cave.
We kiss again, this time roughly, our teeth clanking together when it becomes aggressive. I pinch at her nipples, as our kissing continues. Every part of me burns to be touched, and as her hands begin to unfasten my pants, I know this is only going to get better. Right here, right now, I’m taking what I want, and she’s allowing it. It’s been too long. I need release, finding excitement in the idea of having it. I’m coming to life, mapping my way down her stomach before she’s able to prevent it, not stopping until I find myself on my knees, watching as her legs spread open for me. Seeing her like this, wanting what shouldn’t be mine, makes the craving worse. I can’t help from dragging my tongue over the smooth of her inner thigh. She leans back against the hard porcelain vanity as I narrow in on her awaiting bud and draw back to watch for a reaction.
That’s when we both hear it. The sound of vomiting. Choking.
Unconcerned for where I’m leaving things, I rush for the bed where I find my daughter struggling. She’s puked all over the blankets, her red face displaying a pair of weakened eyes. She’s helpless, and as I come down to pick her up I notice the temperature of her skin. It’s happened so fast, but I’m certain even without a thermometer. She’s burning up, I’m sure because I’m hot as it is and she’s sweltering.
Sadie is handing me her used towel to wipe off Mila’s face. She scurries to put on some clothes so she’s able to help. I take Mila into the bathroom and start running some cool water, taking a washcloth and coasting it over her forehead. “You’ll be okay, princess. Daddy is here. I’ll get you all taken care of.”
Sadie rushes into the bathroom. “Do you have medicine for her?”
I nod. “Top of duffle bag. Children’s Tylenol.” It’s the only thing I remembered as far as medication goes.
I manage to get Mila to take a dose before she begins crying. We wrap her up in a towel and get her back in a stripped bed, not caring about the mattress being sterilized. I hate seeing my child sick, especially being on the run like this.
“What should we do, Rogan?”
“It’s probably viral. Let’s see if the medicine helps before we go jumping to conclusions. This happens a lot in children.” I know she’s not a kid expert, so this is a learning experience for her.
I’m unsure of the hour when Mila suffers her second bout of vomiting. Once again she feels like she’s on fire. For the second time I stick her in a cool bath praying it will help. Two hours later she’s still sick, and now I’m in a panic. “Let me take her to the hospital. I’ll say she’s my daughter, Rogan. Please. She’s suffering.”
“I know,” I say frustrated. “She needs me to be there.”
“You can’t!” She corrects. “You know it’s not safe.”
I’m torn apart considering she’s right. I can’t be seen with Mila or else we’ll be caught when we’re so damn close from getting away. With my child’s health at stake, maybe even her life, I have to put trust in someone I’m still unsure of. “Okay. Okay, she needs to go now.”
Without a thermometer I don’t know what her temperature is, but she clearly needs a doctor. Little kids dehydrate easily. I can’t risk her getting worse because I’m afraid.
Sadie doesn’t say much when I hand over the passport with her new name on it. She darts out the door and promises to call the cell phone she’s left when she knows something. I’m in shock as the car pulls away. This is unreal. Mila was fine and then she was sick as a dog. I’m worried and upset I can’t be there with her. It’s like a nightmare. The moment she needs me the most and I have to stay behind. It’s not fair.
It’s been three hours. I’m pacing. I’ve walked to the store and purchased cigarettes. I’ve called and gotten nowhere with the. On the verge of calling an Uber to take me to the hospital so I can be with them, I’m frantic.
While I struggle to keep it together, I consider Sadie changing her mind and contacting the authorities, or someone recognizing my kid as the missing girl on television. Maybe that’s why she hasn’t called. What if she’s in custody and Mila is on her way back to my in-laws?
I’m running as fast as I can. Following the GPS on the phone, I race down roads in order to find out for myself. I have to know if my little girl is okay, or if she’s been taken into custody by the authorities after us.
My heart rips to shreds when I finally make it to the parking lot, spotting several police cars sitting outside. I hunch over to catch my breath and succumb to the fact that this charade is over. I can’t change what’s been done. I’ve sealed my fate. What comes next is all my fault.
Chapter 14
I watch from afar, hoping I’ll catch a glimpse of either my daughter or Sadie being escorted outside, but it doesn’t happen. An off duty nurse approaches her car in the parking lot, so I hurry over and ask what’s going on while acting like I’m outside for a smoke break. “Hey, excuse me. What’s happening with all these cops?”
“The hospital is on lockdown,” she replies. “They’re looking for some guy they think might be inside.”
My stomach knots up again. It’s me. They have to think I’m in the hospital. Backing away without looking guilty, I make my way across the street to watch from afar. I don’t know why I do it other than to see my little girl one more time before she’s gone.
I’ve fought back my tears for entirely too long to feel ashamed when they begin to fall down my cheeks. I knew this was a possibility. I knew as soon as I set this plan into motion that there was a good chance it wouldn’t work.
I also knew how much it would hurt to lose her again.
It takes me forever to walk back to the motel. With each step a part of me dies a little more. I know sulking won’t change things. I’ve failed. I’ve failed myself, but mostly my precious little girl.
I can barely see when I arrive back at the room. My feet ache, but it’s only reminds me of what else hurts worse. A burning in my eyes prevents me from focusing as I open the door, but I’m certain what I see has to be real, because I know I haven’t taken anything to make me hallucinate.
Sadie sits up on the bed, her eyes full of concern. Then relief. She rushes over, taking me in before wrapping her arms around me. “Jesus Christ, where have you been?”
Looking past her, I spot a sleeping little girl, which causes me to fall to my knees. “I thought you were
gone.”
She crouches down to face me. “Gone? What do you mean?”
“Like the cops figured it out.”
“Why would you think that?”
“I waited,” I start to explain. “I felt like it was hours. When I couldn’t get the hospital to give me information over the phone, I decided to go there.”
“Did you call a cab?”
I shake my head. “No. I walked, well somewhat ran. When I got there I saw a bunch of cops and unmarked vehicles. I asked a nurse about it and she said they were still searching for a guy they believed to be in the building.” I’m embarrassed to admit the rest. “I thought she was referring to me.”
Sadie puts her hand over her mouth. She understands what I’ve been going through. Her arms pull me close as I search for a way to calm down without making a fool out of myself. “What happened? How did you…”
She cuts me off. “You were right. It’s viral. They gave her Motrin and the fever came down. The doctor said I could take her home after they monitored her for a couple hours to make sure it didn’t spike again.”
I peer over at the sleeping beauty. My bottom lip trembles as I fight to speak. “I thought I lost her again.”
“You didn’t, Rogan. She’s going to be fine, but we should probably stay here another night to let her recuperate before we get back on the road.”
I raise my hand and let it cusp her cheek. She leans into it, as if to appreciate my touch. “Thank you.”
“I should have stepped away to call, but I didn’t want to leave her.”
“It’s okay. I’m on edge. Paranoia is getting the best of me. I’m terrified that the closer we get, the more we’re at risk of failing. Does that even make sense? Am I losing my shit?”
Sadie takes my hand and holds hers over it. “You’re not crazy. You’re scared. Mila is going to be fine. In a few days we’re going to cross the border and the two of you can start over like you want. It’s going to be okay.”
The Wrong Side of Rock Bottom Page 10
