Monochrome My Madness

by Ashleigh Giannoccaro

  My head pounds with the start of a headache that I know will consume me before the night is over. I drive to the office, where my brother has returned to no doubt wait and see how I react to Shannon’s revelation. When I find the weasel who told him, they will die by the hand of my wicked wife. I still intend to marry her. I am taking back the out I gave her. I don’t want to live without her. I want her to love me as I love her. I know she won’t, but I need somewhere to let this feeling out and she is the only one. I don’t know how to be me without her anymore it’s a dangerous existence because Shannon is a different sort of monster. I cannot manipulate her, change her or control her, she does all those things to me and I let her. I let her because I love her.

  My body roars at the thought of my brother knowing that Rowan and Lauri have a baby, I am sure she is born already, I have lost track of the months. I need that child to complete my legacy I won’t let him take them from me. That baby is going to be my heir and nothing is going to stop that from happening. She is the last Spillane and I want her for myself.

  Sahib rings my phone non-stop no doubt trying to make me stop, wait a little longer. We need a few more business pieces set in place before Neil dies. He can improvise, because this ends tonight. It is my plan and now I am taking charge of it.

  The offices are dark and quiet, I know he has some men here he is still scared and being alone is not the best thing to be when your whole family has died in the last few months. The papers are labelling it the modern mob war and calling it a cleansing of the streets. I know the truth, that is what will replace them on the streets, is far more sinister and dangerous than their old school mob tactics ever were. The new age of criminal warfare is about to hit this city and many others.

  I walk down the passage to the only office with light beaming through the open door, mine. He won’t find what he seeks in there I don’t even know how my family in the Cape are doing I cut ties all together when I got here. I kept them safe from this and from me. There isn’t a trace of them anywhere. I hope they are all alive.

  He is bent over my file cabinet shuffling through papers at a frantic pace when I grab him by the throat. He is no match for me physically he is weak and he is so afraid of the mysterious threat out there that he cannot react with any real power. “Did you find what you are looking for Neil?” I hiss in his face my hand squeezing the air from him so he cannot answer me. I know he did not find anything. “You see brother you won’t find it here. You are afraid of the wrong things you fool.” I continue my assault on his windpipe. His eyes begin to bug out and turn red and the blue hue around his mouth tells me I am winning, he claws at me desperation dripping of every movement. I smile at the demise of the last O’Reilly. “I am taking what was always mine brother, I came home to claim an empire and you are the last thing in my way.” A flash of recognition flashes in his eyes just before they go dead and my monster is finally set free. I put a bullet between his eyes for good measure and leave. Tomorrow I play the role of grieving brother and family saviour. Stepping over his dead body I come face to face with Art, he nods at me and goes to work cleaning up any evidence of my being there. It is over. I feel the life time of strangulation loosen and I can breathe in my new life. I am free. I am happy. I am alive and I am sick.

  I phone Sahib from my car. “It is done. Make it work Sahib.” He doesn’t answer me just hangs up. The last pieces of the plan will slide into place now.

  I drive home to Shannon to tell her that I will not be setting her free. Ever.

  I am a murderer. In a way, I have been for such a long time. I killed Rowans father for my dad. Then I killed Cassie. There is always a price in this world and our currency is lives. Someone always pays. Neil paid today, he paid for the hurt his mother inflicted on me. He paid for not being man enough to do his job and making me kill my best friend’s father. He paid for raping Shannon and he paid for stealing my place in this family. He paid for making me into a monster. Today was his day to pay – Mine will come.

  I WAIT WHAT FEELS LIKE too long for him to come home. He doesn’t come back. I see his car stop outside from my window. I watch him look at the house for a long time, he walks up the path looks at the steps then turns and walks back to his car and leaves again. Deep in the pit of my stomach I know something is horribly wrong. There isn’t even a ghost of a monster in his eyes, the glazed look is empty as he retreats from this house and me. Broken. Or maybe finally fixed?

  I wait longer still and when I cannot wait any longer I call Art. The sun is almost up and I am worried that he won’t come back at all. What if he no longer needs me now that Neil has uncovered his family?

  “Art, where is he?” I speak softly my concern is genuine right now. “Be patient Shannon this is bigger than the two of you. He will come back. There are things you don’t know or understand.” Art’s voice is weak and strained and is hushed with secrets, more secrets. “I am afraid Art, he came back here, but it was like he couldn’t come inside.” I try to get something from Callum’s confidant and friend. I will take any answers I can get right now. I feel a deep loss in the pit of my stomach, I feel that my Callum is already dead. I get the gut twisting feeling that he has let me go, set me free – and I don’t want to be free from Callum. Not yet, it’s too soon.

  “I will come and wait with you Shannon. I will bring breakfast.” I smile at his insinuation about my food. He is the only person I have ever seen remotely close to Callum. “Thank you, Art, breakfast will be excellent.” It really will be after the long sleepless night. My stomach growls at the mention of food reminding me I haven’t eaten in ages.

  I get dressed and wait for him to come over. I am worried that he doesn’t know where Callum went or he would be with him. The two are never far apart. I know they had been friends before Callum left and I vaguely remember Art being around with them when Cassie was alive. He isn’t a family member, but he works for the O’Reilly’s has done since he was just a boy. An innocent boy no doubt trapped into their darkness with no escape.

  I open the heavy wooden door for the man who has become Callum’s shadow over the last months and he walks past me cautiously. These men know who I am and what it is I do, they are all somewhat sceptical of my motives. I see the way they watch me and everything I do in detail. Art carries bags of food to the kitchen and I close the door and follow. It is raining this morning, the grey sinister rain, that has the whole place, feeling gloomy and dark. The ominous feeling, that death is closer to me than normal, weighs heavily on me today. I look behind me as if I will see it there clinging to me with its menacing claws, it always is even if I cannot see it.

  Art unpacks fresh Belgian waffles and two cups of coffee, he doesn’t even trust me with that. He sits his big body down at the kitchen table and I follow. “Where is he Art?” I eventually ask him because he doesn’t offer me any information. His silence has said too much already.

  “I don’t know Shannon, but he couldn’t come back here just yet. He will come home later on. You should turn on the news.” The way he says news I know that nothing good could possibly have happened last night. I scrape my chair back on the kitchen floor and stalk through to the den. The telly is rarely used and I cannot even find the remote to switch it on, I feel panicky and claustrophobic. “Oh, Fuck It! Art just fucking tell me NOW!” I scream at him. I can feel the shaky doubt and desperation in my voice. What has he done?

  “Neil is gone, Callum killed him last night. There are things you don’t know Shannon, the bad blood between them goes so deep.” He sits on the sofa in the den and stares at the floor between his feet. “I am going to tell you some secrets Shannon it goes against the way things are done and I hope I can trust you. Neil was born before Callum’s mother died. There are only about two months between them. Mirrie was the love of Connor’s life, but he was married to Avery Spillane in an arrangement set up by their fathers. Callum was maybe three or four I think, when Connor’s father died. He begged for a divorce, to end the agreement, Mr. Spillane
refused. He dragged her and Callum here to this house one night and demanded the old man choose he would either let them divorce or he would kill Avery. The old man was stubborn. Connor shot her, on the front steps in front of Callum and the old man. He left Callum here all night out in the cold in his mother’s blood while he moved Mirrie, Neil and Warrick into his home. When Callum got home next day, he moved into his very own hell. Nothing was ever his after that.” My lip quivers with tears I want to cry for Callum.

  I swallow the lump his words have formed in my throat, I knew Callum was the product of a ruthless father, but the story explains so much of him. In this house, live the ghosts of his family, of his life and it was the beginning of his torment. I can see the image of him as a small boy on those cold steps covered in his own mothers blood and I feel my armour of coldness melting a little for the boy they destroyed.

  I don’t have words I just sit down in Callum’s chair and wonder where he went. I can smell him on this chair and feel the smallest pang of guilt. His smell comforts me and I feel close to him even though he isn’t here at all.

  “Mirrie beat him every single day, he was the punching bag for her unhappiness. Connor was never faithful, to any of them. She made him the monster he is.” I turn away from him so he cannot see the shame on my face he knows what Callum does to me. “Don’t be ashamed of it Shannon, I know him, I know what he does to you. I also know he isn’t always that way. We all have our demons. God knows you have a few of your own.” I look at him, he thinks I am weak. It turns my blood cold and makes me want to kill him before Callum returns, but he is the only one who has ever been truthful with me about Callum. No one ever speaks of these stories, of the horrors that stamped out an entire family so Connor could be King.

  “How do you know Art? There are times it takes days for me to heal enough to even get out of bed. Do you know he ties me to the bedpost at night?” I ask him I want to engage him I want to know more. I need to stop the guilt. He is a monster that is why I am killing him. I don’t want to feel sorry for him. But now I do.

  “Whose fault is that Shannon?” He answers with a hint of a smile on his face. My own and I know it.

  “Why does he loathe Neil so much? It has to be more than just that?” I push him for answers I know I shouldn’t get.

  “When we were just boys and Connor was teaching his boys the way of the family. He was angry at the friendship between Rowan and Callum, Rowan was a Leahy. He wanted Neil to kill Rowan’s pop – a rite of passage for his golden boy while they made the other sons watch. When Neil wet his pants and couldn’t do it the old man held a gun to Callum’s temple and made him shoot his best friend’s father.” He shakes his head at the memories his words are stirring up. “It goes so deep Shannon. He is broken and shattered beyond repair, but I know something and I am going to tell it to you. He loves you, he doesn’t want to and he knows you don’t love him. The rejection is bitter because of Cassie. If you don’t at least fucking pretend to love him Shannon, I will put you in an early grave. You don’t dare abandon him now.” His voice is thick with the threat and I don’t think he is telling a lie. He would and probably has already killed for Callum. I never thought of my not loving him as a rejection I simply cannot love anyone I don’t even want to try. Pretending, however is something I am splendid at and if it keeps me alive then I am all for it.

  I don’t answer the giant man threatening me I just stare into his eyes, he’s dangerously loyal to Callum. The truths revealed have made me understand what makes Callum tick a little more, he is a little boy who just wants to be loved.

  The moment is shattered by the sound of the front door banging open and the police storming into my home.

  What have you done now Callum? Where are you, don’t you know that I need you?

  ALTHOUGH EARLY, THE PLAN flowed exactly as it should, the police came to our home looking for me, afraid for my safety that I may be dead by the hand of my brother’s killer. I am officially a missing person presumed dead. Shannon and Art were there, afraid of what was happening. No one would ever suspect me, ever. The scapegoat would arrive in the UK in the next few hours and I just needed to stay put until then. I am not the only person who hated their father. Sahib’s father would be taking the fall for it all and he and I would continue a very profitable working relationship without the old men holding us back. It all came down to this, so why does it feel like a hollow victory? I am waiting for the other shoe to drop –and drop it will. Something about this feels decidely wrong and my evil gut says that I am in a world of trouble. I should feel better than this, they are all dead!

  I wanted to go back and tell her what was happening, but I couldn’t walk up those steps and into that house with my demons so close to the surface.I wouldn’t be able to control what I did to her if I were to be faced with any more of it. I don’t want the memories to come. I don’t want to kill the love of my life.

  I wait at the warehouse for Sahib to come and set things up for the final part of the plan. His father will be here soon and the police will be tipped off to his activities over the last few months and that he might be holding the heir to the O’Reilly, family hostage. His international crimes have been exposed to the press and authorities and he will fall. Hard. I may have moved the pieces early, but they will fall into place perfectly. We have been putting this into motion for six years now. A flawless plan, but I feel like I have missed a piece of it. Something is decidedly off.

  “You just couldn’t fucking wait could you Callum?” Sahib sighs at me irritated at the fact that we now have to rush a little. “I am sorry Sahib, he knew things he shouldn’t and the other players were put at risk.” His eyes bore holes into mine. We need my South African family to continue this business and losing even one of them could fuck it all up. We need Rowan’s skills to eliminate the few people who may still get in our way. There will always be enemies out there, we are criminals and criminals all have enemies. I need my sisters’ clean name to launder money and grow the wealth of the business and I need Lauri to have that baby so that I have an heir to leave this all too when I die. I will die, we all have an expiry date and those who live in the shadows of this world tend to reach theirs earlier than most. I need them, I miss them. I would die to save them.

  Sahib shakes his head, it is not only me who has had to kill their family and purge themselves of the demons beneath the surface. We dealt with his family first you see, we needed to create a believable feud. He has buried brothers, sisters and a mother in the name of this plan. It has to work.

  I will still be in this shitty city for a long while yet. There needs to be no way this ever comes back to us. Leaving right away would be suspicious, not very suspicious since most people are aware of how much I fucking loathe this place, but I will be expected to take care of business and bury my brother properly. Even when my gut tells me to leave and go home, I know that I must stay and I must stay away from them more than ever. If Neil knew then someone else knew too, he was too stupid to do his own digging. He found them, he was never supposed to find them.

  There are a few people in this world, I will not lose in this fight, Rowan, Amya, Lauri and Shannon, are on that very short list.

  Sahib closes me in the small room where he proceeds to hit me, I don’t hit back I don’t even try I need it to look like I was forced to go with them. The copper taste of blood fills my mouth a little more with every single punch he lands. The damp smell of the old building no longer fills my nose I can smell my own blood being spilled. I simply relax into his assault and he holds nothing back. Like me, Sahib keeps his body ready to fight his accurate strikes connect all my weak spots making sure they leave marks behind. Every attack frees me a little more, every burst of pain burning through the shell my demons had created. His fists split my lip open and my tongue licks the copper freedom as it drips down to my chin. Two monsters in a cage and we are finally free of the people who put us in the cage of their madness. I will always be a villain, I will never be good, I am c
riminal. Today I am burying my monster I won’t need to free my demons that way any longer. I am free of them. My family has stolen my life for a very long time and now it is done. Maybe that’s why Rowan was so free to love Lauri, he was never vengeful. He never held his life against anyone. Not even against me, even after I killed his father. I forgive them now that they are all dead, but I will never forget. I cannot forget how I was made.

  Sahib stops and I breathe in feeling every broken rib, every boot mark and punch throb with the end of my nightmare and the beginning of me.

  I wipe the blood from my mouth and smile at the only person I know who could possibly understand the chains that have just been snapped lose. Sahib found his peace awhile ago and I know he can see that I have taken mine from his beating. His sly smile matches mine and he nods at me that he is done.

  “Finally Callum, it is done.” He doesn’t have many words he never does, but those few say it all. He gives me his hand and pulls me to my feet. Then he turns his back and walks out the door locking me in solitude. I don’t know how long I will wait in here, but I need this time so I will wait.

  I slide down the wall that holds my broken body up and collapse into a heap on the damp, dirty floor, the space seems to close in on my solitude. My mind plays my whole life back to me in a string of pictures and my heart sinks at how many of them are sad or violent. There are so few where the little bit of light in my soul can be seen. I missed so much in my quest for control to free myself of my father’s iron hold on me, but finally, the account is settled and I can live. My mind floats back in time past Cassie and I know what I felt was real and that it was her light that made me want her even more her light could bring just a small bit of mine out. Then I see Shannon, the ghost of love lost. There is no light in my Princess I know that there never will be, but I cannot let go of the of glimmer of Cassie that shines through her and I know I never will. I find a small shiny piece of hope and I cling to it with everything in me.