Mine To Lose

by Lockhart, Cate

  ‘How are you doing?’ and ‘Don’t worry, it’ll soon be over,’ was all he said while I was delivering, but I took what I could get.

  I was pretty sure Pam had something to do with his presence there, and if I wasn’t so worried about my babies, I would have laughed about her Irish persuasion. All throughout the proceedings, my husband remained serious and composed. I hoped it to be a sign that he was reconsidering things now that he was about to meet his children in the flesh. Surely the realness of it had to have some impact on his heart.

  Our two girls were beautiful, but being premature, they were extremely frail. My intense hyperventilation during the birth caused me to lose consciousness, and I woke up almost three hours later, still exhausted. Ethan was on night duty, and he came to see me when I rang the night bell.

  ‘Hey, sweetheart,’ he whispered. ‘You should rest.’

  ‘Are my babies okay? Please, I have to know,’ I begged him, but he only hushed me and fixed my pillows.

  ‘Dr Howard will be in to see you in a minute,’ he said.

  ‘No, I have to see them,’ I insisted. ‘Is Jordan here?’

  He shook his head. ‘I’m sorry. He left shortly after the delivery.’

  The door opened, and Dr Howard walked in. I could see the sorrow in her eyes as she neared.

  I choked on a sob. ‘Just tell me the truth. Are they dead?’

  She held my hand and squeezed it. ‘Katie, I’m sorry. Your first born died, but her sister is hanging on. She’s fighting like a true warrior,’ Dr Howard tried to lighten the awful weight of the news. ‘But she might have suffered some brain damage because of the premature birth.’

  I hardly heard anything she said through my sobbing. Naturally, I was shocked to hear that the baby who was still alive would have a difficult life of disability. However, I think at that very moment I was crying almost solely for my dead baby, the weaker one who could not make it. For her, there was no hope and no amount of love could help her anymore. It was so final, so awfully sad.

  As to be expected, Ethan was there to support me when the father of my babies had abandoned me. After my doctors left, he sat down on my bed.

  ‘So, what are you going to call your girls, Katie?’ he asked gingerly.

  I looked up at his serene expression. He was positively glowing with compassion, and it filled me with wonderful warmth. My eyes dropped to the white and green fabric of the bedding. ‘I haven’t even thought about that, you know,’ I choked through my tears, knowing that one of those names was going to be written on a tomb stone. It was a difficult task but it was one that needed to be done. I didn’t want people to keep referring to my deceased daughter as baby A. She had lived. She had been of this earth and needed a name. Without much searching, it came to me – undeniably, as if it had always been my baby girl’s name even before she was born. I gasped and smiled, ‘Leonie and Naomi.’

  Ethan drew a deep breath. ‘Beautiful. Just beautiful.’

  ‘Can you bring Leonie to me, please. I want to hold her before …’

  ‘I know angel, I know,’ he said, wiping away the tears running down my cheeks. He disappeared, and when he returned, he held my baby in his arms, wrapped in a white blanket and handed her to me. I looked down at her. My own flesh and blood. The beautiful baby I had bonded with for six months, and I cried. I cried for the life she would never know. For the time we’d spend apart. For all the things we wouldn’t do together.

  I kissed her tiny forehead and held her close.

  I was so grateful that I finally got to meet her.

  ***

  ‘They want me to let Naomi die, you know,’ I uttered solemnly. Pam and I were sat in the hospital’s café after I’d just finished having a meeting with my consultant. It had been nothing but bad news followed by bad news.

  Pam nodded sorrowfully, tears welling in her eyes.

  ‘Jordan said I should spare Naomi a life of pain and procedures ... and that is if she survives the next few strenuous and painful months.’

  ‘You’ll be able to handle anything that needs to be done, Katie. And as for Naomi, I believe, just like her mum – she’s a fighter,’ Pam declared. I could see that she meant every word.

  ‘Thank you.’ I smiled weakly. ‘How can Jordan be so cruel, Pam? He’s like a stranger to me. How could he want to kill his own child? His own flesh and blood?’

  Pam shook her head slowly. ‘You never know what anyone’s really like until the shit hits the fan. It’s only then you get to see their true colours?’

  ‘Well, he certainly had me fooled. All of this time, I thought his mother was to blame when it’s been him all along. All he’s done is to hide behind her.’

  ‘Well, at least you know the truth now,’ she said without changing expression or posture.

  ‘I think I’ve always known, but I just didn’t want to see it. More fool me.’

  ‘You’re not a fool for loving him. He’s the fool for throwing it away.’

  Chapter 33

  A week after being released from hospital, leaving my little Naomi in intensive care to heal, I felt drained beyond belief. All the strain of worrying about my baby fighting for her life made me feel so useless. Jordan came and went and kept things relatively amicable between us, but we were not best friends by a long shot. At least we were talking, not fighting, and he had his moments of support where he would bring me a cup of soup or make me tea when I was exhausted. Between my long hours at the hospital and working during the day, my health began to deteriorate.

  ‘You really need to take a few days off, Katie,’ he said softly one night. He was sitting on the sofa watching football but cast a look in my direction every now and then. I was behind my laptop screen, researching my daughter’s maladies to try and find some alternative coping mechanisms.

  ‘I will, as soon as Naomi is out of the woods,’ I mumbled absent-mindedly.

  ‘She’s too weak. You’re killing yourself trying to keep her alive. It’s getting ridiculous,’ he frowned, shaking his head.

  ‘Ridiculous?’ I asked. ‘Is it ridiculous to want our child to stay alive? Jesus Christ, Jordan, you’re more like your mother than I ever thought.’

  My mention of Martha made him sit up. ‘Do you always have to bring her into everything?’

  ‘She is the reason you’re like this, Jordan. She makes no secret of the fact either. Think about it. You’re literally suggesting that your daughter, your very own daughter, be put down like a dog because she’s sick,’ I ranted. ‘Just think about that for a minute. My God, I’m amazed that you managed to stay alive under Martha’s keep. Imagine how her having you must have vexed her, to have to raise you and set her own life aside to care for your needs.’

  Jordan said nothing because he knew I was right.

  ‘She is turning you into her. And from what you suggest, you want your child to die?’ I gasped in disbelief.

  ‘I’m concerned for you, Katie,’ he retorted. ‘You’re exhausted and getting sicker every day. Don’t you see that I care about your well-being? If you pull the plug now, she will be spared a lifetime of pain and discomfort. Even the doctors are telling you to let her go. You’ll be spared having to be a nurse all your life, having to be pitied by people everywhere you go and not having a life of your own. And for what?’

  ‘For my baby!’ I shouted at the top of my lungs. ‘I will not just let her die, Jordan. And if that’s what you want, then you should not even bother being in our lives.’

  ‘Is that so?’ he sneered.

  ‘Yes it is. Don’t think for one minute I believe your bullshit that pulling the plug on our daughter is because you care so much about me. You do care, I’ll give you that. You care about your freedom and your work, and let’s not forget Martha. You don’t give a shit about me and my health. It is just an excuse to get me to let her die so that you and I can live our old life of travelling and partying. That’s as far as your loyalties lie!’

  Jordan jumped up, slipped on his shoes and
got his coat.

  ‘As I recall, you had a right fucking good time with our old life, Katie,’ he barked as he collected his car keys. ‘Now you crucify me for wanting back my adventurous wife! I’m going out before I do something I’ll regret.’

  ‘Tell Mummy I said hello!’ I screamed after him as he slammed the door. The wall shuddered so violently that our lobby mirror came off and shattered on the floor. It did not even bother or surprise me. In fact, it was a perfect metaphor to what our life had become. The shiny shards of a glittery, broken love lay worthlessly on the ground now.

  Chapter 34

  I spent more and more time at the hospital, sitting with Naomi and getting all the support I needed from Pam. I had to make arrangements for Leonie’s burial on my own as Jordan wanted nothing to do with it. In the end I said goodbye to Leonie with only myself and Pam present. I didn’t invite my parents. They would have noted Jordan’s absence and the last thing I wanted was to open a can of worms that I couldn’t fit a lid back on again. I told them Jordan and I wanted to say goodbye together. That the heartache was too much to have others present. Thankfully they were understanding and respected my wishes without any aggro. My heart still ached at my tragic loss but I had to keep going. I had to be strong for Naomi. I knew Leonie was in safe hands now. She was with my Gramps. I was sure of it.

  ‘One day soon, you’ll come to realise that sometimes bad things happen to facilitate good things,’ Ethan said, as we sat next to Naomi’s incubator.

  We were having a discussion about Jordan who seemed to have not only checked out of being a father but out of our marriage as well.’

  ‘How do you mean?’ I asked.

  ‘Sometimes the arid winter fields of the valley need to be set on fire. Sometimes the earth has to be scorched to black for spring’s new shoots and tillers to grow from it more virile, greener than ever from the fertile ground,’ he declared dreamily.

  ‘I think I know what... you ... mean?’ I frowned. I did know what he meant, having developed a knack for his use of metaphor.

  ‘I know you get what I’m saying. If Jordan wants to be with you, he will break down the barriers. If not, these things only happened to steer you to your new happiness.’ He smiled and sighed self-consciously, ‘Och, I’m just a helpless romantic.’

  ‘Nothing wrong with being a romantic. Even if you bombard people with your insufferable positivity. ‘

  ‘Hello!’ I heard from the hallway outside the door. My heart skipped a beat when I saw him. The man whose Mercedes I had hit months ago. What on earth was he doing here?

  ‘Oh, Damian’s here,’ Ethan said. ‘Katie, this is Damian Titus. He’s one of our consultants here.’ Ethan rose to his feet, ‘He’ll be wanting to speak to you about Naomi. I’ll be back in a while.’

  I stood and waited for him to join me. I wasn’t certain he would remember me. ‘Damian,’ I smiled. ‘I’m Katie …’

  ‘I remember.’ He winked reassuringly as he looked down at his feet. ‘Glad to see your morning sickness has subsided.’

  I could feel my cheeks on fire. ‘Oh, um?’

  ‘I’m only kidding.’ His face turned serious. ‘I’m sorry about the loss of your daughter Leonie.’

  The fact that he used her name brought tears to my eyes. Not even Jordan, Leonie’s father had addressed her by her name. He sat on the chair beside me and gestured for me to sit. Before speaking, he looked at Naomi for a few seconds, in her incubator sleeping soundly on her tummy.

  ‘How’re you doing?’ he asked, a bit more seriously.

  ‘Teetering on the cliff edge,’ I replied. ‘The waiting is killing me.’

  ‘I understand that,’ he agreed. ‘Not knowing which way things are going to swing – in everything in life – is immensely frustrating. The wait makes one put a hold on living, on getting other things in one’s life done.’

  ‘You nailed it on the head.’ I nodded, looking at the tubes and needles stuck into my baby’s tiny body.

  ‘She’ll come through this, I’m sure. I hear she is already stronger than she was two days ago,’ he soothed my worries.

  His large blue eyes reminded me of a thawing fjord on an icy morning, and his scruffy blond hair gave him a boyish charm, but I guessed him at about 37 years old. We spent the next half hour discussing Naomi’s treatment plan, and before I realised it, it was nearly eight o’clock. Jordan would be home soon, and I wanted to catch him before he went to his mother’s. We needed to discuss our future and whether we even still had one.

  ‘I have to go,’ I said, bending over the incubator and kissing the top of the dome that covered my little girl. ‘Can you tell Ethan I said goodbye?’ I asked Damian.

  ‘Of course, Katie. Go get some rest now, alright? Don’t want to see you end up in hospital again,’ he said sincerely. ‘I’ll check in on the little tiffin for you every few hours.’

  ‘Thanks.’ I smiled as I put on my coat and reluctantly left.

  Chapter 35

  I drove home, wondering what kind of mood Jordan would be in. The more time that passed and Naomi’s condition improved, the worse he seemed to get. Feeling amorous, I wondered what it would take to have sex with Jordan again. It had been months since we’d had any sexual contact. Yes, we had been through the wars these last few months but stupidly there was still a part of me that clung on to the hope that my Jordan was still in there somewhere. I knew I was an idiot for even thinking like this, but I stilled loved him. I couldn’t help it. You can’t just turn off love one day. Isn’t that the reason they call it unconditional? You love someone through the good and the bad – in our case, it had been very bad.

  ‘How was your day?’ Jordan asked when I walked into the kitchen. ‘I’m making lasagne tonight.’

  I stared at him for a few seconds, sucking on the neck of a beer bottle before answering. It was like cohabiting with Jekyll and Hyde.

  ‘Not for me thanks,’ I said without any real enthusiasm,

  ‘Suit yourself,’ he said. ‘It’s a good …’

  ‘Jordan, we need to talk about our future,’ I blurted out before I could stop myself.

  He stopped drinking his beer and looked at me. ‘You do, do you?’

  ‘Yes. We need to talk about what we want from our relationship.’

  ‘You know what I want. You’ve known from the very beginning. But you decided to move the goalposts, and here we are.’

  ‘And where is exactly is that? Do you want a divorce? An open marriage?’

  This was the first time I’d even touched on the possibility of infidelity. His expression didn’t alter, and for the first time, I started to doubt myself. Had Vicky lied about their affair, after all she hadn’t shown me any proof. Had I been a bit too hasty and naïve to believe her?

  Jordan planted his bottle on the worktop and said, ‘What I need is a leak.’ And abruptly turned and left the room.

  I walked over to where his beer was, picked it up and took a swig. By the end of the night, I was determined to get this marriage back on track. If Jordan was willing to give it a go, so was I. But we would have to go to counselling to sort out his feelings for Naomi and Martha. He would have to promise to put us first.

  My heart ached at the thought of what my life would be like if he chose Martha and a child-free life. My depression crept up on me again. All I could think about to help was Ethan’s statement about sad things making way for good fate. Then I thought of Damian and his tolerance, his compassion and his honest care about me and my baby. Why couldn’t Jordan be like that?

  Suddenly, Jordan’s message tone sounded, and I instinctively picked it up. No big deal; we always checked each other’s messages and answered calls before. But I was wrong. Not lately, I had to remind myself. Things had changed between us on every level. I opened the message, and my heart stopped. The hurt burned into my chest and the pit of my stomach as I held my breath. A woman called Krista had sent him a vulgar message along with a nicely placed shot of legs spread wide open, showing her v
ulva.

  In shock, I saw her name several times on a list of texts reaching over more than a month. There were three from Lesley too, the woman apparently always bothering him about work. The text between the two of them would have turned a nun’s hair grey. It was extreme porn at its best. Leslie had been sexting him since forever, even before I was pregnant.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Jordan roared as he came up behind.

  I stood there, dumbstruck saying nothing. It was enough that he knew I knew. He was a monster. The Devil himself.

  ‘Didn’t I tell you to leave my phone the fuck alone?’ he said in a menacing growl.

  ‘No wonder you don’t want to sleep with me,’ I said plainly, concealing my broken heart under a tone of indifference. ‘Looks like you have plenty of female company to keep you going. Kristie’s photo is my favourite. I love how she pulls it apart with her fingertips,’ I said snidely as I flashed the image at him.

  He lunged at me. ‘I told you to leave my fucking phone alone you fucking cunt!’ he roared

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He’d never called me derogatory names before, not for any reason. Clearly, he was livid about being found out, but I never expected Jordan to become Mister Hyde at me. Remorseful yes, but angry at me, like I was the one in the wrong. What came next I never saw coming. Jordan tried to grab his phone from me, but I was too quick. He grunted with fury and grabbed the beer bottle on the table.

  ‘I have had it with your fucking selfish shit!’ he hissed and swung the bottle at my face. I avoided him striking me against the head by the grace of God, but he struck me against the side of my knee with the heavy glass bottle. I screamed, falling to the floor. My mind refused to make sense of the brutality of his kicks, but when he pulled me up and threw me on the glass table and it shattered beneath me, I knew this was serious. Cuts all over my face and arms, I stumbled to my feet, but Jordan was there already. He punched me in the face, and I collapsed again.