Wayne stood up and turned off the lights before leading me into his bedroom. He pulled off his shirt, and for the first time I’d seen his bare chest. His small patch of hair on his chest was sort of sexy, and I was surprised at how slender he was. All those polo shirts didn’t do him justice. He didn’t have a bad-boy body like Jamey, but his distinguished look made him just as handsome.
Not knowing how I should react, I slid off my shorts, but left my tank top on and climbed into the other side of the bed. Wayne did the same, rested on his side and looked right at me. “It’s been a long time since I’ve slept in the same bed as someone over the age of five. Forgive me if I don’t know how to act. If you want to put a pillow between us it’s okay.”
For some reason I took offense to his comment. Not in a way where I was mad, but more like he couldn’t let himself feel comfortable. In order to rectify the situation I knew I needed to make him see that I wasn’t nervous being around him. I scooted closer and intertwined our fingers together.
I get that this wasn’t what normal friends did, but Wayne wasn’t what anyone would call normal. He lived his life for his daughter, because she was all that kept him going. He needed to know how to live again, even if it was just the two of them.
He let me hold his hand and sit it on my hip over the covers. For a while we just lay there looking into each other’s eyes. It was intense, but at the same time therapeutic. When he let go I started to worry until he reached over and brushed the hair away from my cheek. “Thank you, Peyton.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Wayne.” He gave me this look and I don’t know what came over me, but I leaned forward and attempted to kiss him. At first it felt like he was responding, until he pushed me away.
“If I’ve given you the wrong impression I’m sorry. I didn’t ask you to sleep with me tonight so that we could be intimate.”
I wasn’t offended. He was freaked out, and I was going to be understanding. “No. I’m sorry. I just thought we were havin’ a moment.”
I went to turn but he stopped me. “Peyton, if I was a whole man again I’d want to be with you in every way possible. My feelings for you are there, and I hope you know that I appreciate what we have, but I can’t pursue them. It’s not fair to you. I’m man enough to admit that if I can’t love you completely, I won’t try to waste your time. Our friendship is too important.”
“Should I feel rejected, because for some reason I do?”
He touched my cheek, causing me to close my eyes. “No. You should feel like you’re important, too important to be hurt again. As much as I want you in my life, and I most certainly do, I know it won’t be fair. You deserve more. No woman wants to be burdened with a man’s dead wife.”
“She wouldn’t want you to live like this. You said it yourself that she wanted you to be happy.” I wasn’t trying to get him to change his mind. Honestly I knew I was too hung up on Jamey to get involved in a serious relationship with Wayne.
“I know, but that’s just it. The only way I will be truly happy is if I’m with her. I know it’s not possible. Trust me, I’ve been to my share of therapist meetings to know that I’m being intolerable. I’m thick-headed, and devoted. What everyone doesn’t take into consideration is that I promised to love her forever. I didn’t say the part where it included till death do us part, because I wanted to love her forever. If we’re reincarnated then I wanted to love her in that life too. Nobody gets it.”
“I do.” My sudden admission made him stop and stare.
“So you don’t think I’m crazy?”
I touched his cheek, the same way he’d touched mine. “Of course not. I think that you are the most devoted man I know. Don’t you get it, Wayne? You give me hope that every man can love wholeheartedly. You made me open my eyes and see that it was worth the fight that it was worth the pain. As much as you’ve been through, it’s unconditional. I have to believe that it’s goin’ to get better for you, because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to smile again and not feel guilty about it.”
“I can’t help it.” His lips started trembling again.
I touched them softly as I spoke. “I’m here if you need to cry, scream, smile, whatever. I’ve never thought you were crazy, and nothin’ you say could ever make me think that.”
Wayne leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. It was out of character, so I got that it was for the appreciation he felt for me. “You’re so special, Peyton. Don’t let anyone tell you different. That boy doesn’t know what he lost. ”
That night I let Wayne wrap his arms around me and hold me. As much as he needed it, I think I felt the same way. It was so good to feel nurtured for a change. Even though our relationship was plutonic, it was the most serious I’d ever experienced. By being with Wayne, I was learning what I wanted out of my life, and the kind of man that I deserved to find. I was learning that in order to find my own happiness I needed to love myself first.
I wasn’t the slut that everyone saw. I was a human being that only ever wanted to feel appreciated.
For the time being I was finally content with what I had in my life. I was striving for a career, had the best friend a girl could ask for, and my future was in my own hands.
Chapter 16
Jamey
I waited a month before I tried to contact Peyton again. One night, alone in my apartment, I scrolled through social media sites trying to figure out what she’d been up to. A picture of her and a little girl caught my attention. The caption just said the little girl’s name, but underneath was a comment from a guy named Wayne. It made me so uneasy to see her interacting with another male, and after I’d checked out his profile I was sure that it was the guy that had come to her rescue, which obviously meant they were still hanging out.
While I was trying to figure out a way to get her back, patiently waiting until she’d had enough time to calm down, she’d already moved on to someone else, with a kid.
Maybe I shouldn’t have commented, but I let my jealousy fuel my next move before I had time to reconsider.
Underneath the picture, and comment from Wayne I posted. “Nice built-in family. Must be nice.”
Not even five minutes later I got a notification that she’d commented back. “I shouldn’t have unblocked you. Please leave me alone.”
That only made me angrier, so I replied. “For someone that’s so judging it’s nice to see that you were screwing around the whole time we were trying to get back together.”
I watched as a reply instantly appeared on the screen in a private message between us.
Don’t you dare compare my life to yours. I NEVER cheated on you. - Peyton
I saw that dude with you twice. You mean to tell me that you weren’t seeing him the whole time? You’re a hypocrite. – Jamey
I don’t have time for this. I’m deleting you. – Peyton
Fine. Do whatever you want. Just know that I didn’t sleep with that bitch like she said. Believe whatever you want. I meant every word I said to you that day, Peyton. If I could do things differently you’d be with me instead of him. – Jamey
You don’t know that. – Peyton
Yes I do. I’ll leave you alone like you want. I’ll stop talking to you and move on. Just answer me one question. Can you do that? – Jamey
One, and then you leave me alone. – Peyton
Do you still love me, Pey? – Jamey
I waited patiently for a reply, but got none. After thirty minutes I shut my computer realizing that she wasn’t going to answer me. It could mean two things. She still loved me, or she hated me. Either way I’d never know.
Peyton deleted me from her account that evening, still without replying to my question. It got me so angry that I felt the need to confront her about it. Against the advice of my family, I text her.
Why won’t you talk to me? Do you have any idea how hard this is? – Jamey
I saw that she read the post, but I didn’t get a reply until that night, probably when she was lying in
bed alone or her boyfriend had fallen asleep.
You know why I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t make me change my number again. – Peyton
I miss you so much. If you’re trying to make me suffer you’re doing a great job. – Jamey
I really don’t care how you feel anymore. You hurt me. You lied to my face. You cheated on me. What part of that is my fault? Everything you’re feeling is because of the things you did. – Peyton
Fine. I’ll take the blame. I did lie. In the beginning I cheated on you. However, I did not sleep with that chick like she said. I haven’t been with her in a long ass time. She was doing that to get to you. I swear on my life, Pey. – Jamey
Save your story for someone who cares. I’m over it. Move on with whomever you want. I’m not wasting anymore time on us. – Peyton
So I guess this means you don’t love me anymore? Is it that easy for you to move on, because I’m having a hard time thinking about anything besides you. – Jamey
You can’t do this to me. – Peyton
Do what? Care? I need you. – Jamey
You need to get your dick wet. I know you, Jamey. This isn’t about feelings. You’re too selfish to care about me the way I wanted you to. I know now that there are other men out there that can be real. – Peyton
Who? That Wayne guy? – Jamey
None of your business. Stop messaging me. I don’t want to talk to you. – Peyton
I’m not stopping until you answer me. I won’t give up until I know for sure that there’s no chance for us. I’m going to prove to you that I’ve changed. – Jamey
The answer is no. I don’t love you anymore, Jamey. In fact, I don’t know if it was ever love. Now leave me alone. – Peyton
I traced over her words and felt sick to my stomach. She’d given me the devastating blow that I was afraid of getting. She’d made it clear that we didn’t have a chance. I’d screwed up and lost out on being with her. My ego couldn’t take anymore negativity.
Since my brother and Lacey were spending a week at the beach I decided to drive the half hour and go hang out with them. After being rejected by Peyton the last thing I wanted to do was sit alone at my apartment thinking about what could have been.
Joey and Lacey were pretty cool about me staying with them. The place they were staying in was owned by her family, and it had plenty of room for me to stay out of their way. Ford and Sky showed up the next day, and once again I felt like the odd man out.
On the third night, which happened to be a Friday, we all went out to a local restaurant, which happened to have entertainment after nine. They’d planned to get a bite to eat and stick around until the band started.
I hadn’t been out in so long, and it wasn’t like I felt like going. Still, the girls convinced me that I needed to break out of my shell.
We’d been there for about an hour when I saw someone who literally made my head turn. First I spotted Shayne, his wife, and the twins, but at the same table as them was Peyton. She looked so beautiful. Her tan made her skin glow, and her blonde hair looked almost white. I sat there on a barstool staring at her, until Joey saw who I was looking at. “Did you know she was at the beach?”
“I’m not surprised. She likes it here. Her family comes a few times a year to stay at their place.”
“Are you goin’ to talk to her?” He was almost having to shout over the loud crowd of people that surrounded the bar.
“Probably not.”
“That’s your call, bro.”
Joey went back to talking to our group, while I sat there watching the woman I was in love with. She was smiling, laughing, and seemed happy. It was a surefire kick in the testicles. I could have been the one making her smile. Instead I was sitting at a bar creepily stalking her.
In a matter of minutes the situation changed. Peyton stood up from the table and started to walk toward the bathroom. I couldn’t help but get up to beat her there. She didn’t know it was me until it was too late for her to turn around. I didn’t smile, or say something to draw a reaction. Instead I stood there staring into her eyes.
“Jamey. What are you doin’ here?”
“I’m here for the week with my brother. What about you?”
She was talking to me normally, and I knew I couldn’t push it. We were being cordial for once. “Same. Shayne and Ash asked me to come. I told them I’d babysit if they wanted to go out a few nights alone.”
“That was nice of you.”
She got this disgusted look over her face as she replied. “I am a nice person, Jamey. I guess you were too busy when we were together to notice. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom.” She walked inside without waiting for me to respond.
For a few moments I stood wondering what I should do next. I surely didn’t want to stop talking to her, so I followed her into the restroom.
There were only two stalls, and I could see her feet under the door. I leaned against it as I spoke. “Pey, we need to talk.”
“Oh my God. Get out of here.”
I almost laughed. “I’m not leavin’ until you hear me out.”
“I’ll scream.”
“Please. Just listen to me.”
I heard the toilet flushing and moved away so that she could come out. I saw her feet approach the door, but she never opened it. “So talk.”
“You’re not goin’ to come out?”
“No. Just say what you need to say and then go.”
I leaned my head on the outside of the door and traced the paint as I spoke to her. This was my chance to make things right. She was listening, whether she wanted to or not.
“I’m sorry.”
“For which thing?”
She wasn’t going to make this easy. “For all of it. For lyin’ to you. For cheatin’ on you a long time ago. For takin’ you for granted, even when I knew you were the best thing about my life.”
“Did you rehearse that?”
“You don’t have to rehearse the truth. I mean every word.”
“I wish I could believe that, Jamey.” I could hear her voice cracking, as if she was getting emotional. If that was the case then it meant she didn’t hate me, not completely.
“It’s all true, baby.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“You’ll always be my baby, Pey. That name is yours forever.”
“How can you say the words forever to me? How dare you say that after all we’ve been through. I begged you to be with me, to want only me. You couldn’t do it. This conversation is a waste of time. You love yourself. Everything else is a game to you.”
“You’re wrong. I hate myself, especially for what I did to you, to us. You show me where there’s a time machine and I’d go back and make it right. I wouldn’t take you for granted, not a single day. I wouldn’t pick my friends over you, and I sure as hell wouldn’t even look at another woman, unless it was to compare how they would never be you. Don’t you get it. I want to be better, and the only way I see that happenin’ is bein’ with you. I made mistakes, I know that. I get that I hurt you, and I understand how you don’t trust me. All of that can be fixed with time. I can prove it to you, if you just give me the chance.” I was pleading, and I was okay with it. It was how I knew for certain that my feelings were real.
It got quiet for a few minutes, and then I felt the door unlocking. Peyton walked out to face me with tears in her eyes. I could hear her sniffling as she conjured up enough nerve to speak. “I waited so long to hear you say that.”
I took a step forward, breaking the distance between us. I reached for her face, watching as her eyes closed when I touched it. “Please give me another chance. I’ll do anything.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. I can’t do it again.”
“This isn’t like the other times. I’m pourin’ my heart out to you. Can’t you feel the difference? Can’t you see how much I need you, how much I want you?”
She shrugged and leaned against the stalls. “I don’t know what’s happ
enin’. Jamey nothin’ about this is easy. No matter what I choose someone will get hurt. Don’t you see? We don’t work. We never did.”
It hurt so much to hear her saying it to my face. She was right there in front of me and I couldn’t convince her that I was sincere. “If this is over than can I just have one more kiss? Just let me say goodbye the right way, please?”
Peyton didn’t answer with a response. She simply nodded and let my lips come closer to hers. I closed my eyes as they made contact and savored how familiar it felt to kiss her, how natural it was. Pain overwhelmed me as our kiss intensified. Peyton was giving me one final kiss, and she was definitely showing me everything that I’d be without. Our tongues collided, while my hands found her tiny waist. I pulled her closer to me, as I poured my heart into the embrace. Breathless, I pulled away after feeling her tears reaching our lips. I licked over mine to taste her salty pain. I’d never wanted to cry in front of anyone, but this moment between us was almost too intense to hold it in. Her bottom lip trembled as she spoke. “I will always love you, Jamey, but it hurts too much to be close to you.”
She ran out of the bathroom leaving me there to indulge in the worst pain I’d ever experienced.
Chapter 17
Peyton
Had that really just happened to me?
I couldn’t believe it, and I certainly wasn’t going to stick around for more. I needed to get as far away from the restaurant as possible. Without explaining the root of my desperation to my brother and Ashley, I stopped by the table to tell them that I wasn’t feeling well. If they saw Jamey they could figure it out on their own, without me having to go into detail with an explanation.
I took the bus back to the beach house, crying the entire way. An older couple handed me a travel sized pack of tissues, in which I filled every single one with tears and snot. It didn’t matter how much time had passed. Seeing Jamey face to face had brought back every feeling that I’d felt for him. I couldn’t shake him, no matter how hard I tried. It was as if no time had passed. When we kissed every rush of emotions came back full-force. I didn’t just miss him, I longed for his touch, for that affection that he’d always given me when it was just the two of us.
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