My dinner came back up before I could pull away from the curb. I left the disgusting puddle of bile there hoping that Jamey would come home and find it, realizing that I wasn’t some toy he could toss around. He’d destroyed me, physically and emotionally. He deserved to have his dick chopped off and fed to piranhas. Wishing him death wasn’t going to give me closure, but it sure as hell made me feel better.
Chapter 14
Jamey
I’d like to say that it got easier as the days went by, but it wouldn’t have been the truth. The more time that passed only made me wish I could go back and do things differently. I never realized how much Peyton meant to me until she was gone from my life. What was the most surprising was that it wasn’t the sex that I was missing so much. It was her smile, and the way she looked at me like nobody else in the world existed. She took care of me in a sense, nurtured me to push me to be a better person. I felt lost, completely out of my realm.
After spending the night at my brother’s house that first night I knew I couldn’t sleep in my bed and not think about her, so I agreed to go ahead and take over the lease to his place. I also took on more hours at the diner to stay busy and make extra money to be able to afford a place on my own.
After two weeks of being miserable I helped my brother move into his new house. Since Lacey wanted new furniture, they left me almost everything. It was nice not having to move twice in one week.
I don’t really understand why, but I started hanging out with my brother more. It was as if me being let down had opened up a door for us. We didn’t bicker, and he was constantly inviting me to things that he’d never done before. It was also nice to hang out with my cousin Ford. Since Lacey and Sky were best friends they were together all of the time. The house they purchased needed work, so every night they’d meet over there and help out.
It wasn’t until a couple weeks after the whole ordeal with Peyton that I started to feel like the fifth wheel. Joey and Ford had women that loved them, while I usually sat in a chair away from them watching how happy they all were.
I was jealous.
It really made me realize all that I’d been denying myself, and I knew that my brother had been right before. Once he met Lacey everything about his life had changed. She made him see that being alone wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be, not when something so amazing could be waiting at home for him every night.
I got that now.
I understood what it was that he was talking about, and it hurt a little more that I’d had the chance to have it and somehow let it slip away from me.
On a Monday when we weren’t too busy my mother pulled me aside to have a chat. After the last argument about Peyton I wasn’t really sure of her motive.
“Jamey, I want you to be honest with me when I ask you this, because to be perfect blunt, I’m worried about you. Are you okay?”
I shot her a sarcastic grin, like she was way off base. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Do you really believe that you can bullshit a bullshitter?”
I shrugged and looked down at the table. Grabbing the salt shaker to avoid eye contact with my mom. “Fine. I’m not okay. Are you happy now?”
“No.” She crossed her arms and waited for me to look at her. When my mother spoke she required eye contact, and she’d stand there silent until she got it. “Is it because you moved out? I knew it was a bad idea.”
“It’s not that.”
“Then what, Jamey? You’ve been moping around for weeks now. Hell, even some of the customers have noticed.”
As scared as I was to mention her name, I knew I had to come clean with my mother. She had the ability to cut me off from a job if she wanted to, and from the way she was talking it seemed as if she was more concerned about my performance at the diner. I was getting that vibe from her. Sometimes she was extremely hard for me to read, or maybe I just sucked at understanding women period.
“I’m havin’ girl problems. Before you say somethin’ you need to know that I’m not foolin’ around anymore. This shit is for real.”
“I figured as much, since I haven’t seen her around.”
“You can say her name, mom. I know you hate her, but you don’t have to pretend that you haven’t known her since she was born.”
“I don’t hate Peyton, son. I hate what she does to you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. All she ever wanted was to be with me. Everything that happened between us was on me. I didn’t understand the hype about bein’ with one person.”
“Jamey, part of my problem with Peyton was the fact that our families are so close. I knew that by you two dating each other it would only cause problems. So what happened? Did she finally wise up?”
“It didn’t exactly happen that way. You remember that chick Angie from Jersey?”
“She’s hard to forget with that accent. Why?”
“She told Peyton that we were together when we weren’t. She ruined everything we had goin’, and I don’t get why she did it. Peyton didn’t deserve that shit. Now she refuses to speak to me. In fact she told me that she never wants to see my face again. The hardest part about it was that I finally realized what I wanted. I made a promise to her for us to be together, and it’s all over now.” I sat down the salt shaker and leaned back in my seat, running my hand through my hair as I waited for my mom to reply.
“Sometimes it takes something drastic for people to see how important things are in their life. Your brother had to leave the country to see it. I don’t know how I raised such hard-headed boys. I thought I’d taught you to respect yourselves, and the women that you got involved with. A part of that blame should fall on me.” She leaned forward so that she could talk in a lower tone. “I don’t like seeing you hurting the way you are, but if Peyton can’t see the truth you need to move on. You can’t live in limbo while she’s out running around. It’s not healthy.”
“Mom, I respect your advice, but you’re wrong again.”
She raised her brow, silently demanding a further explanation.
“I don’t care how long it will take, or what I have to do to prove it. I’m goin’ to get her back.”
“You’re in love with her. I get that.”
That word was getting easier to hear. “It’s more than that. I know we’re young, and maybe too naïve to understand what it takes to be in a relationship, but I need to at least try. If you taught me anything it’s to never give up. I’m not goin’ to leave the country like Joey. I’m stayin’ and I’m fightin’ for what I want, even if I have to go through Shayne.”
“I’m not the best at giving advice considering my track record. I met your daddy when I was just eighteen, and when he moved us over here I never thought I could be happy. After I got the diner I ignored his needs, focusing all my energy on making this business work. Even though I learned my lesson when he left us, I wasn’t that upset about it. I’d worked too hard to make a name for myself. It’s hard for me to see you and your brother struggling with relationships, especially when I’ve never felt the way that you feel. Sure, I loved your daddy, but it wasn’t that forever kind of love. Some people just never find that.”
I leaned forward to match her position. “Mom, I’m not askin’ you for advice. Hell, I don’t even know what I’m doin’ right now. All I know is that I need to change. I can accept that Peyton may never speak to me again, but I don’t want to ever feel like I do now.”
My mom finally smiled. “It gets better with time. As far as you and Peyton go, I hope things work out. I know I’m hard on you about her, but it’s only because you two were so rocky that I knew it would cause problems. If she means that much to you, and your happiness is being affected, it’s best that you try to make amends, or else it will eat at you because you never found closure.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. The problem is that she wants nothin’ to do with me. I’m pretty sure she’s seein’ someone else. When we had our fallin’ out he came to pick her up. She says that t
hey’re just friends. I really don’t know.” I thought about that dude picking her up. She jumped right in the car with him like he was her hero. Whoever he was, I hated him.
“Jamey, do you think that maybe your history with females had led you to believe that no one of the opposite sex can be friends?”
“Possibly.” She had a point. I’d never been interested in being just friends with a chick. They either wanted to fuck me, or nothing to do with me at all.
“Perhaps this man is just a friend. If I know anything about Peyton it’s that she’s crazy about you. I highly doubt she had someone on the side who was willing to wait and see if you two worked out.”
I put my hands over my face for a second and tried to make sense out of the whole ordeal. “Mom, that’s just it. The night Peyton came over it wasn’t to get back together, not at first. She could have been involved with this guy the whole time and not told me. Sure, she picked me, but as soon as she thought I’d screwed up it all changed.”
“You won’t know for sure unless you ask her. Don’t assume and get yourself pissed off.”
“She’s not talkin’ to me.”
“Jamey, there’s no real immediate solution to this. You can either wait it out or figure a way to move forward. I just hate seeing you moping around. Enough is enough.”
“You’re right. I need to snap out of it.”
She reached across the table and touched my forearm. “I love you and your brother with all of my heart. If you need to talk, or spend the night at home, it’s okay with me.” I almost wanted to laugh at her. Basically that meant that she missed us being around. The house was too big for just one person. It was a good thing she’d been seein’ someone.
“Thanks. I will keep that in mind.” I didn’t want to make her feel worthless. I already felt that enough myself.
“I’ve got to get back to work. Let me know how things go.”
“Mom.” I waited until she turned around before continuing. “Thanks for the talk, and if she decides to give me another chance, which she probably won’t, I hope you’ll be able to accept us.”
“I promise that I will be happy for you, only because I feel like you’ve finally learned how to be in a relationship the right way. Treat her right, Jamey. That’s the key.”
“I know. If she gives me another chance I’m goin’ to.”
When my mom walked away I sat there looking around the diner. Though it was semi-empty there were several couples and families eating. I watched them interacting, smiling, frowning, and laughing. As they all went through different emotions they all had one thing in common. They weren’t alone.
I didn’t have many goals in life. My job was given to me before I was even old enough to work. To want something so bad that I could taste the happiness was unbearable. I wasn’t giving up on Peyton, and I was willing to do whatever it took to change her mind about me.
Chapter 15
Peyton
It had been three weeks since I’d last heard from Jamey, and a lot had happened since then. School kept me busy during the week, and when I went home at night I spent most of my time helping my brother and Ashley with the twins. Since they knew nothing about what had happened with Jamey, they never asked me about him. I found that comforting to know that being at home was a safe place.
Wayne and I spent the weekends together, mostly just hanging out and doing fun things with Abigail. Each time we were together I found myself drawn to the type of man he was. We’d kissed a few times in a chaste kind of way, but never anything that led me to believe that we were anything more than friends.
It was a good thing knowing that he didn’t expect things out of me. When I was younger it was all guys ever did. I’d slept with my fair share of them, regretting it the next day almost every time. Jamey had been the exception, but our relationship was rocky at best, when he even admitted that we were anything at all. For the most part I’d never had a long-term relationship that I was able to brag about. It made me sad admitting it.
Wayne had listened to my sob story more than once, and never had he complained that Jamey was all I talked about. His kind soul made me feel like I mattered, which was something I’d never been familiarized with.
On a Sunday, after spending most of our day at a local state park, we headed back to Wayne’s to cook out on the grill. He was making us his famous chicken and went on and on about his secret seasoning. The meal tasted delish, but Abigail was so tired that she started falling asleep at the table. Wayne got up and carried her to bed before returning.
It was one of those awkward moments where we were fully aware that we were alone. Suddenly it was as if neither of us could conjure up the nerve to speak. I cleared my throat and did my best to break the ice. “It all tastes great, Wayne. Thanks for havin’ me over.”
“It’s my pleasure.”
“Abigail was worn out.”
“Yeah, she sure was. She really likes you, Peyton. I think you came into our lives at the perfect time. You know at night she asks about her mother.” He took a sip of iced tea before continuing. “It’s hard to talk about her to my daughter. Every time she asks me something all I can think of is that she’ll never know her mother. It damn near kills me inside. You being around makes it a little easier. I hope you know how much you mean to us.”
Was this his way of telling me that he wanted to be more than friends? I was a little caught off guard. “Wayne, you two mean a lot to me as well. It’s just that -.”
He held up his hand. “Maybe it came out wrong. Forgive me. I’m not used to being alone with women. My wife always used to say I was horrible at this. She teased me whenever she got the chance.” He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “There I go again, talking about her. Sometimes I can’t help myself. It’s like she’s with me all of the time and I’m constantly mentioning her to impress her. I’d never want her to feel like I’m trying to replace her, because honestly, I don’t think I can.”
I felt a knot forming in my throat. It happened every time he talked about his love for her. “Wayne, it’s okay. She was the love of your life. Maybe she is here with us.”
“She’d like you. You both have this similar spunk about you.”
“I wish I could have met her. It would be nice to have a female to talk to about my problems. She seems like she was great for advice.”
“She was a people person, a busy-body. Though she never snooped, she knew everything about everyone, in a sincere way. It was as if she was put on the earth to spread kindness. Does that make sense or am I sounding completely irrational?”
Wayne second guessing his sanity was pretty funny in itself. He was the most intelligent person I’d ever met, and certainly as sane as they come. “I agree. From what you’ve told me, she was an all-around woman. Wayne, I appreciate it so much that you talk about her the way you do. You say Abigail will never know her mother, but she lives through you. Even I can feel it.”
Wayne caught me off guard again when he reached across the table and grabbed my hand. “You don’t know how much that means to me.” He started to cry, and I felt it necessary to get up and wrapped my arms around him. “I’m so sorry, Peyton. Sometimes I just want to give up. You don’t know how hard it was watching the person that I loved more than life itself dying. That day that we found out the treatment wasn’t working I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t let her see how much pain I was in. I couldn’t let her hurt for me. I had to put up a façade and be strong, even when my whole world was coming to a crashing end. While she lay in that hospital clinging to life, I was at home staring at a little girl who’d never understand why her mother wouldn’t be coming home.” He cried harder, causing me to react in the same way.
When you’re young you never give much thought to things like death. You say things like you would die without the person in your life, but the reality is hard to grasp. My brother knew that fear that Wayne felt firsthand. He’d had to sit back not knowing if Ashley was ever going to come home. He’d never given u
p hope, even when we’d all had our doubts.
“I can’t even imagine what that was like for you, Wayne.”
“I dream about her. It’s not every night, but most. I swear, sometimes I just want to sleep because I know there’s a good chance that I’ll see her again. I know it’s ridiculous, but to me it’s so real. It’s like she knows it’s the only way we can be together.”
This poor man was broken, and I knew I had to be there for him. My problems didn’t compare to the life-long pain he was suffering from. All selfishness aside, they needed me. “I’m here for you.”
After I got Wayne calmed down enough to move to the living room, I went back into the kitchen to clean up dinner. In all honestly I needed to do something to keep from losing it myself. Sometimes being around Wayne was too depressing, not that I’d ever admit that to him. The last thing he needed was to feel like he was annoying me. I wouldn’t have even called it that anyway. There were just times where I didn’t know what to say.
I found Wayne had fallen asleep when I finally finished up with the dishes. When I went to cover him, he grabbed my hand. It startled me and caused me to abruptly pull it away.
He looked at me with desperate eyes. “Don’t go.”
I stood up straight and put my hands on my hips. He needed companionship, and I wasn’t about to walk away when he was so emotional. “I’m not lettin’ you sleep on the couch again. It’s my turn this time.”
Wayne sat up straight and looked right into my eyes. He grabbed both of my hands as he spoke. “Peyton, I was wondering if you’d be willing to sleep next to me tonight? I promise that I won’t try anything. I just don’t want to be alone.”
If this was any other guy I’d think he was trying to get into my pants, but Wayne was different. I trusted him. “Okay. I’ll stay with you.”
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