A Lover's Lament

by K. L. Grayson

  My lips lift at the corners, a grin splitting my face. “Yeah?”

  “Definitely.”

  “Well, okay then. So call me when you can?”

  “Soon. I promise.”

  My heart soars as I let go of all the insecurities I was having about Devin. I know that when I lay my head down tonight, he’ll consume my dreams. “Goodnight.”

  “Katie?”

  “Still here. You’ll totally have to hang up first.”

  His boisterous laugh fills the room—and my heart. “I’ll hang up first, not because I want to but because I’m fuckin’ exhausted and I have to be up in like three hours. But I need to tell you something.”

  “What’s that?” Pushing my foot on the floor, I rock back in the chair, completely content and happy. For the first time in a long time, I feel genuinely happy.

  “It was your eyes.” Adrenaline pumps through my veins. Warmth radiates throughout my body and the smile that’s been plastered to my face since hearing his voice again … yup, it just got a little bit bigger. Devin clears his throat. “You’ve always been gorgeous, Katie, and I knew that no amount of time would change that. But from the first time I laid eyes on you in the first grade, it’s always been your eyes. And when I get to see you again—and I will get to see you again—I’ll tell you exactly why they’ve always captivated me.”

  “Or now … you could tell me now.”

  “Some things need to be said in person.” I can hear him smiling through the phone. “Katie?”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m so sorry for hurting you.” His voice cracks on the last word, and that crack resonates all the way to my soul. “I’ll never be able to—”

  “I forgive you.” Once again, the words rush from my mouth before I have any time to think about them. But I’m okay with it, because right now I feel so incredibly light as my heart flops over inside my chest.

  Devin breathes heavily into the phone for several seconds. “Goodnight, Katie.” I get the feeling he’d stay on all night if he could.

  “Goodnight, Devin,” I say with hesitation. The click and buzz of the dead line sends my heart plummeting into my stomach because I have no idea when I’ll get to talk to him again.

  Visions of that news story I saw the other day flash through my head.

  If I’ll ever get to talk to him again.

  “The Proof of Your Love” – For King and Country

  I’M BUZZING. MY WHOLE FUCKING body is buzzing and her voice still rings in my ears as I return the phone to its cradle. I can hardly fight the smile that’s streaked wide across my face, so much so that my cheeks are aching. How can someone thousands of miles away make me feel this … this … euphoric? And how in the hell I’m supposed to concentrate on anything else now is beyond me.

  Stepping out of headquarters, I head toward our tents, wondering what she’s doing at this very moment. It makes me sound like a fucking pussy considering I just got off the phone with her, but what can I say, the girl makes me stupid. She makes me think and feel things that I haven’t let myself think or feel in a long-ass time—things like marriage, kids, love, and a future away from here. A future where I can go to bed with her gorgeous body wrapped around mine and wake up every morning to her beautiful face. Those are the things I’m thinking of, the things I’m dreaming of, and the things I’m determined to make happen, because what I feel for Katie surpasses normal human reasoning. I have to make it back to her. I have to feel her in my arms and make her mine. There isn’t any other option.

  “Well, I’ll be damned,” a voice calls out just as I’m about to enter the tent. I look over my shoulder, and under the moonlight I see Navas seated by the fire pit with a half-smoked cigar clenched between his fingers. I stop in my tracks, then spin around and walk toward him. Hooking my foot around the leg of a chair, I pull it toward his and take a seat.

  “What?” I ask, feeling the smile still tugging at the corners of my lips. I fight the damn thing the best I can, but it’s a losing battle.

  “That shit-eating grin you got. It about blinded me when you walked past.” He laughs and slaps a hand against his thigh.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, pulling a cigarette from the pack and lighting it.

  “The fuck you don’t,” Navas says with a chuckle. “You pretty much live at the Comm Center now! You really are into this girl, huh?”

  “You already know I am, fucker.”

  “Why don’t you want to talk about it?” he asks, looking me intently in the eye as if trying to read me.

  “I don’t know, man. I guess I figured you’d think it was all crazy. Fuck, sometimes I even think it’s fucking crazy.” I take a long drag of my cigarette and think about the words that just came out of my mouth. It’s something I’ve thought a lot about.

  “What’s crazy about it?” he asks.

  “I don’t know. I haven’t talked to the girl in ten fucking years.” And you have no idea what I did to her, I think to myself, knowing full well that not talking to her for ten years doesn’t mean shit.

  “Have you talked on the phone, or webcammed, or has it just been letters and emails?” His eyes quiz me even harder now as he puffs at his cigar. He looks like a mob boss interrogating a potential snitch. I can’t say I like these reversed roles very much.

  “First phone call was just now,” I say, letting the fresh memory of the conversation tug at my attention. God, her voice is perfect. So soft and delicate … the kind a guy would be lucky to have whispering ‘good morning’ from the pillow beside him. I wonder if her heart raced like mine did during our call?

  “No, shit?! That’s cool, man. How’d it go?”

  “It was …” I trail off, my thoughts still on the call, my mind filled with images of her wrapped tightly in my arms. “Perfect.”

  “You going to call her again tomorrow … or, fuck, I guess it’d be tonight?” he asks, rising to his feet and throwing the cigar butt in the pit. Taking one last drag of my cigarette, I flick it to the ground and then follow him to the tents.

  “Yeah, I think I just might do that.”

  My day went by as slow as hell, mostly because I was counting the minutes until I could get back to the Comm Center. Good God, I sound like a fucking girl. I look around, half expecting someone to walk up and shoot a bullet through my man card.

  When I’m certain I’m alone, I pick up the phone and dial her number. Each ring raises my level of anxiety, and I shift around nervously in the seat. I hope she picks up. Another ring and I’m wishing I had actually scheduled a call with her.

  “Hello?” Her sweet voice sends a jolt of electricity through my system, leaving me breathless and at a complete loss for words. “Hello?” she says again, bringing me to my senses.

  “Hey, sorry, it’s Devin … hi!” Fuck, I just sounded like a little kid.

  “Devin.” She releases my name in a husky breath, and the sound makes my dick go instantly hard. Closing my eyes, I picture us sitting together on the couch, her legs straddling my hips, my hands roaming ever so slowly up her arched back—

  “I was hoping you would call. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if you would or not, but I was hoping …”

  “You were?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” she purrs. The sound is too fucking erotic, and I have to reach down and rearrange my junk.

  “This whole time difference thing makes it a little difficult. I wasn’t sure when would be the best time to call you.”

  “You can call me anytime.” Her voice may be soft but her words speak volumes, and something inside of me clicks—something that I’ve been worrying about. This is real. “No matter when it is, I’ll do my best to answer … promise.” The sweetness in her promise makes me ache to have her near me, and I have to change the subject before I do something stupid like beg her to marry me. Because that would totally be stupid. Right?

  “How was your day?”

  “Uneventful,” she says with a sigh. “I had today off, so I went
for a run this morning and did some shopping this afternoon.”

  “Run?” I laugh, remembering how much she used to despise running in P.E. “The Katie I know isn’t a runner.”

  “Knew … the Katie you knew wasn’t a runner. A lot has changed over the last decade.”

  The smile falls from my face for several reasons. First, because she’s right. A lot has changed. And second, because it does nothing but drive home the knowledge that I don’t really know her anymore, and maybe more has changed than I think.

  “Okay, I totally lied.” Her husky laugh travels south, and my cock goes from rock solid to throbbing against the confines of my zipper. “I’m so not a runner. But I tried! I really did try. I got up at the break of dawn, laced up my Asics and ran around the block.”

  “You ran around the block?”

  “It’s a big block.”

  “You’re so full of shit,” I joke, feeling the smile slide back onto my face. “I bet you didn’t even run the whole way.”

  “I hate you.”

  “Because I’m right. You totally walked, didn’t you?”

  “I jogged,” she corrects. “There’s a big difference. And enough about me.” She huffs, but the amusement is clear in her voice. “How was your day?”

  “Boring … but a boring day is a good day over here.” I pause and think about how lucky we’ve been as of late. Not much has happened since the incident with the girl, and the missions have run smoothly thus far. In my experience, that means something is bound to happen. There’s always a calm before the storm.

  “What’s it like over there? And what do you do … wait, am I allowed to ask that?”

  “Yeah, you can ask that.” I laugh, secretly loving that she wants to know more about me. “It’s nothing too special. We’re on something called a combat outpost, so it’s pretty small … just bare essentials. A few buildings, one of which I’m in now, and some tents we stay in. A couple of porta-potties but no shower.”

  “No shower? Yikes!” She laughs but catches herself, as if she feels bad for jesting me.

  “No, you have no idea. Our tents have a smell that could be collected and used as a biological weapon. It’s beyond bad.” She laughs loudly through the phone and it makes me want to continue, if only to hear that sweet sound again. “I do my absolute best with baby wipes and water bottles, but some of these guys over here have a misunderstanding of what good hygiene is. I swear this guy Elkins hasn’t changed his uniform in months. You could stand it upright without him in it.”

  “Oh God,” she slips out between laughs.

  “As far as day-to-day life though, it has its ups and downs. There are incredibly slow, dull moments, and there are times when I feel like I’m in an action movie ... and some days I wish it were a movie.” At least then I could pick up after the credits start rolling and go home, safe and sound.

  Katie clears her throat. “It’s crazy it’s only been a little less than twenty-four hours since we last spoke. It felt like a whole lot longer.” There’s the girl I grew up with, I think to myself, never afraid to say exactly what she’s thinking.

  “You seriously have no fucking idea.” My head falls back between my shoulders, and I run a hand along the back of my neck. “Right now, a lot of our job is just sitting around in a Humvee doing nothing, so time drags on at a snail’s pace. After the day I had, I feel like it’s been weeks since we’ve talked.”

  I pause for a moment and a crackling static takes over the line. “Am I going to make a fool of myself if I say you were the only thing on my mind the entire twelve-hour mission?” I laugh, but it’s the nervous kind that comes out all wrong.

  “Really?” she asks, her voice laced with disbelief.

  “I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I got your first letter.”

  “Devin …” The rough sound of my name falling from her lips is almost my undoing. What I wouldn’t give to hear her say my name like that, naked and writhing beneath me. “I like it. I like that you think about me … that you couldn’t stop thinking about me.” She pauses. My heart is pounding against my ribcage as I wait for her to continue—and she will continue. I can feel it. Her honesty and openness amazes me … everything about my girl amazes me.

  My girl. Fuck, that sounds good.

  “I’m happy to hear that you think of me because you, Sergeant Clay, have taken up way too many of my thoughts as well. So it makes me happy to hear that the feeling is mutual. I’m glad I’m not alone in this.” My chest tightens. This girl couldn’t get more perfect. How in the hell I got so lucky, I’ll never know.

  “More than mutual.” The words jump from my mouth before I can stop them. Damn, it probably makes me sound like a fucking pussy, but it feels good telling her that. I shake my head, even though she can’t see me. “I looked forward to your letters and emails, Katie, but now that we’ve talked … I can’t tell you how nice it is to be able to call you after the long-ass day I had. You know I’m gonna crave your voice now, don’t you?” I hear a quick intake of air, and I can’t hold back the smile tugging at my lips. My eyes drift to the clock and I cringe—I forgot about the time difference. “I hope it’s alright that I’m calling at this time.”

  “Of course,” she says. “Like I said, call me anytime. If I’m not around to answer or have something else going on, I’ll just email you and you can give me a call back. Deal?” God, how could I not agree to everything this woman says?

  “You’ve got yourself a deal.” And because nothing in my life is ever easy, I hear a long whistle followed by an explosion off in the distance. The sounds put my body on high alert. I straighten up in my seat, stiff as a board, and listen for any more sounds.

  “Devin?” I hear her, but I don’t respond right away. I listen as another long whistle sounds and another blast hits—closer this time. “Devin, what is that?” The panic in her voice reclaims my attention.

  “Hey, it was nothing,” I lie, shifting the phone to my other ear. I cock my head and listen for more.

  “Are you sure? It didn’t sound like nothing.” Damn it. This is the part I didn’t want her to be exposed to—the part I wanted to pretend didn’t exist. I want to end the call before the mortar rounds strike closer and the sound of the explosions cannot be mistaken, but I can’t bear to let her go. The commotion on the other side of the door in headquarters has picked up now, and I know shit is about to go down. Just a little bit longer. I need to talk to her just a little bit longer.

  “Nothing out of the ordinary, I promise.” The last word is cut in half by a whistle that punishes the eardrums and is followed by an explosion that rocks the walls of the building as if they were made of paper. The phone clicks and buzzes, but I hear Katie faintly calling for me on the other end.

  I can hear chaos outside and I know this is bad. They’ve successfully targeted their mortar rounds and there are sure to be more to come. “Katie?” I call frantically into the receiver, needing to know I didn’t lose her, desperate to hear her voice one last time.

  “Devin? Devin, I’m scared. I can’t los—” Her trembling voice is muted by the static buzz, but I know exactly what she was saying because it’s the same thing I was thinking.

  And maybe that’s what motivates me to continue. Maybe that’s what pulls the next words from my throat.

  My words are rushed, and I don’t even know if she can hear me, but she needs to know … I want her to know. “I want you back. I want us, Katie, and I’ll—”

  The line goes dead—my words cut off—and I’m thrown from my chair as another explosion rocks the earth beneath my feet.

  “From Where You Are” – Lifehouse

  “DEVIN?” ALL THE BLOOD DRAINS from my face, my heart racing so fast it’s literally seconds away from exploding. “Devin!” The shrill sound of a woman screaming penetrates through the blood pounding in my ears, and I look around before realizing that woman is me.

  “No. Nononono.” Snapping the phone shut, I rub my fingers over my temples, tryi
ng to drown out what I heard. Devin’s words were broken and barely audible when they completely cut off. Images of him lying on the ground, hurt or worse, start playing through my mind, and I look around, frantically trying to decide what to do. I need to do something. I can’t just sit here and do nothing.

  My body freezes at the realization that there isn’t a damn thing I can do. Devin is half a world away, and I have no other way to contact him. “Oh, God.” My limbs go numb. Fear courses through my body, robbing it of normal function and control. On unsteady legs I push from the couch, and with jerky movements I walk across the living room into the kitchen, my phone gripped so tight in my hand that my knuckles are painfully white.

  I can’t do anything. Just like with Daddy, I’m helpless.

  Sucking in a shuddery breath, I send out a quick text—a cry for help—and then I toss my phone on the counter and brace myself for impact. With my hands planted firmly against the sink, I bow my head, allowing myself to be absorbed into the all-consuming and far-too-familiar sense of dread. Call it what you want … panic, fear, terror. It’s all the same. And right now, like the blood in my veins, it’s flowing through my body.

  Chills race up my arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake, and the sob that’s been building inside my chest finally rips free, causing me to collapse to the floor. My vision blurs, tears sliding thick and fast down my cheeks. Images of my dad in the car, blood running from his face, flash in my head … only it’s not my dad’s face I see, it’s Devin’s. Pulling my knees to my chest, I bury my head and cry.

  Time passes, each vision tearing off another chunk of my heart. Maybe I’ve been here for minutes, maybe hours; I honestly have no idea. But when I hear my mom’s soft voice, my head snaps up.

  “Katie.” She rushes toward me, dropping to her knees. Pulling me against her chest, her familiar arms curl around my body, wrapping me in the warmth and love that I knew only she could provide. “Katie, sweetheart, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me, honey.”

  “Devin.” Pulling back, I wipe the tears from my face but they’re quickly replaced. “We were talking and there was th-this loud noise, and he said that everything was o-okay but it wasn’t.” My words break as my chest heaves. “It wasn’t okay”—my head shakes frantically—“because I h-heard it again, this l-loud whistle … and then there was a b-boom … and then he was gone. Just like th-that, he was gone, and I don’t know w-what to do. I can’t l-lose him, Mama. I can’t.” The thought of losing him—again—is nearly unbearable. A tight band constricts around my chest, robbing air from my lungs, and threatening to squeeze the life out of my heart.