by Mila Summers
The conversation at the table was almost exclusively concentrated on the coming family celebration. I took part with reticence and was happy to be out of the line of fire. Mitch seemed to feel the same way. From time to time he gave me an encouraging smile and pressed my hand.
After the absolutely delicious herb-crusted rack of lamb, I was eager to see what Martha would conjure up for dessert. As the main course was carried away, the conversation ebbed briefly and opened space for a new topic of discussion.
Who would expect anything else? This time it was our turn again.
"So, Stacy, what do you do for an occupation?" I heard Emily ask.
"I'm a museologist and am currently looking for work. So if anybody knows about a position, speak up," I openly confided.
"Oh, it might be hard to find a job doing that. Where have you worked so far?" she persisted.
"During my studies, I only did internships. So far nothing has opened up, unfortunately. However, I'm hopeful. In Chicago, I'm bound to find something," I said optimistically.
"Chicago? Mitch, I had no idea that you were moving back here. What's up with Memphis and your job in the law firm?"
While I would have gladly smacked myself on the side of the head for my honesty, Mitch gave a suitable answer.
"We'll see how things develop. If Stacy finds something here, then I'll look for a new challenge. Lawyers are needed everywhere."
"Wow, Stacy, you seem to have a lot of influence on my brother. Just a few weeks ago, wild horses wouldn't have been able to drag him back to Chicago," Emily remarked with approval.
"Where will you live during your job search?" Mitch's father asked. Thus far, he had not spoken a single word during the entire evening. As he began to speak, everybody's gaze turned to him with surprise.
"I have a girlfriend who will take me in."
At least I hoped so. I hadn't spoken to Lindsey at all yet. Hopefully, she was still living in Chicago. At the moment, all my friends and acquaintances were moving to jobs and leaving their homes behind.
"That is out of the question," Abigail intervened. "You'll live with us, of course. After all, now you are part of the family. Isn't that right, Mitch? As long as Stacy is looking for a job, you'll undoubtedly want to stay in Memphis. So I think she should live here with us. Your parents would also definitely prefer that."
"I don't have parents any more. They died more than eight years ago in a car accident," I said with my head lowered.
People always looked so distressed when I told my life story. For a minute, I couldn't bear their gaze on me and I closed my eyes.
Tentatively, a hand gently stroked my back.
"Mom, let's talk about something else. You can see how the past brings Stacy down. We will find a solution to everything that comes up. Now let's be happy about the wedding and put the sadness aside. What do you all think?"
While saying this, he continued to gently stroke my back with his hand. His closeness felt good. Possibly too good. But I didn't want to think more about it, didn't want to be strong any more and I gave in to my feelings and let myself go for a moment.
A few tears rolled slowly down my cheeks. I wiped them away with the back of my hand and hoped they were hidden from the others. Far from it. Apparently every gaze was fixed on me.
How I hated to be the center of attention. I felt ill at ease in my own skin. But before I could find a way of leaving the room with an excuse, I heard Mitch say,
"It will be better for us if Stacy and I retire for the evening." Mitch rose from his chair and offered me his arm.
The awkward mood in the room caused me pain. I didn't exactly know myself what had come over me. The death of my parents happened years earlier. I had actually processed the event fairly well.
But tonight it had gotten away from me. This evening I could not hold back the tears. The family idyll of the Havishams showed me what could have been. What it meant to have a real family and not to have to depend on yourself alone. It made me feel bitter.
When Mitch's mom offered to let me stay there as a matter of course, the dam broke. The fact that she would offer to house a complete stranger reminded me of my mom. She had always tried to alleviate the suffering of others where possible.
"That's probably for the best," I heard Mitch's father say as we were making our way to the door.
"Excuse me, please. It was not my intent to spoil the evening for your family. I don't know myself what came over me so suddenly," I spoke quietly after we had reached my room.
"Don't worry. Nobody is angry with you. Definitely not," he raised my chin. "It's much more important for you to feel better. Can I do anything for you?" he asked, as he looked deep into my eyes.
I let myself go for a moment and would have liked to snuggle up against his chest. But I didn't do it. I remained steadfast.
"I'm fine. Like I said, I have no idea how it came to this. It doesn't usually get to me any more. Everything was probably a bit too much."
"It would be best for you to lay down and rest. You'll see. Tomorrow is another day and all your cloudy thoughts will blow away during the night."
"Do you really mean that?"
"Of course I do. Sweet dreams, Sleeping Beauty."
He took his hand from my chin and kissed me softly on the forehead.
Chapter 6
The few days before the wedding flew by. I spent a lot of time helping Emily and Sue with the preparations. It soon became clear that we three often had the same opinions and shared many of the same attitudes. I didn't know if that was a good thing. With every stimulating discussion and every funny anecdote from Mitch's childhood, the family grew closer to my heart.
However, Mitch did not come as close to me as on that first evening. He held my hand when others were around or he kissed me on the cheek. Otherwise, he was reserved. His aloofness was an obvious cry for sympathy. Something inside me wanted to ask him why he was acting this way. However, I didn't dare speak to him.
We had a deal and I wanted to hold to it. It wouldn't be a good idea to confront Mitch with his feelings. If I did, I might have to admit my own. I wasn't ready for that. Not yet.
While the family sat together after meals and reminisced about their shared experiences, Mitch would withdraw most of the time. He seemed to prefer to keep to himself.
During this time, my behavior took on a rather masochistic quality. I listened to the twins as they told their best "Parent Trap" stories from school, delighted in the photos which Abigail thought worth passing around, and reacted with surprise when James asked me to sit next to him on the couch.
If the whole thing weren't just a transaction that would only last a short time, I could have felt good about it. Doubts gnawed at me daily, making me wonder if my behavior towards the Havishams was fair. Which it totally was not, when you considered the fact that I would leave in a few days without waiting to say goodbye.
When the house was calm, I retired to the library and skimmed through one of the countless books, sitting on the cushioned window seat. I took deep breaths of the distinctive smell of old, printed paper. Doing that, I allowed my gaze to wander around outside. In front was the beautiful, dream-like garden, which Abigail told me was cared for by her exclusively.
You could tell. There was no professional gardener at work here. The flowers were planted too closely in places and the color combinations seemed to be somewhat incongruous. But that was part of the unique charm which radiated from this garden. There was no sophisticated concept behind it all, simply the joy of doing the work.
The door must have opened as I was deep in my reflections. I first noticed when I heard steps behind me.
"I thought you would be here. My sisters are looking for you. Sue fancied that she would like you to be her bridesmaid when she stands at the altar. I thought I would let you know. Please make your own decision if you would like to take an important role in the ceremony. I personally would prefer you to remain in the background. After all, you would appear as
the bridesmaid in a great number of pictures, and I don't think that's appropriate, considering that you're about to turn your back on this family in a few days. Nevertheless, I would like you to make the decision yourself, as I mentioned."
I was not prepared for the coldness that hit me from what Mitch said. Abruptly, I let my legs slide from the window seat to the floor and went to stand close to him. I wanted to see in his eyes if he meant it seriously or if it was purely a defensive mechanism that made him speak so coolly.
But I could not read him at all. His eyes remained veiled and offered no access to his inner feelings. Numbly, we looked at each other. Neither of us dared speak. Time seemed to march on endlessly, when suddenly the door to the room was pulled open and Sue's happy smile lighted the space.
"There you are. I've been looking for you for a while, Stacy. Do you have a little time? I would like to discuss something with you. Or are you talking about something important now?"
"No, no. We're already finished. It's your decision," I heard Mitch say as he purposefully headed towards the exit. No word of parting, no touch, nothing.
Naturally, I lacked any comprehensible argument about why I couldn't be Sue's bridesmaid. I tried to convince Sue that we had only known each other for a few days but my words only bounced off her. I braced myself and tried not to give in. In the end, I had to admit I was beaten.
Not twenty minutes later, I stood in the small bridal boutique on Elston Avenue examining myself in the turquoise blue bridesmaid's dress in the 3-foot tall mirror. My shoulders were covered only with a light tulle.
"What do you think? Is it too much?" Sue asked impatiently.
"It's truly a dream. You have found some really beautiful dresses," I sincerely complemented her on her excellent choices.
"I'm happy to hear that. Would you also like to see my dress? I'd like to quickly try it on. I hope it all still fits. Bob and I have hardly eaten for days. You can't tell but inside I'm a nervous wreck. Believe me," she tried to be convincing.
"I'd be glad to," I answered as Mitch's words came to mind.
What was I actually doing here? I had to see to it that I got some distance as soon as possible. It hadn't been a good idea to try on the dress, to say nothing of taking on this role. Sue deserved better than a pretender who was about to cut and run.
My smartphone rang and I withdrew into the dressing room for the conversation. Aunt Anne's number was on the screen. I still had not contacted her. Hopefully, everything was ok.
"Stacy? Is that you?" I heard her ask fearfully.
"Hello, Aunt Anne. Yes, it's me. I'm sorry that I've been out of touch. I'm in Chicago now looking for a job." In saying this, I revealed my failure in getting the other position.
"Why Chicago? Why don't you come home? Where are you staying?" she continued to press me.
"I'm staying with Lindsey, my friend from college," I lied without even blushing.
"Watch out and don't get involved with just any man. Do you hear me?"
"I won't. Don't worry," I tried to calm her down.
"What did you say? I can't hear you very well."
That was obvious. She had most likely forgotten to put in her hearing aid. It was probably lying on the windowsill next to the orchids.
"I won't get involved with any men. Don't even think about it, Aunt Anne. I'll call you soon," I tried to bring the conversation to a close.
In the meantime, I had to practically shout so that she could understand me. After I said goodbye, I tucked my phone into my handbag and opened the curtain of the stall.
As I pushed it to the side and took a deep breath, Sue stood unexpectedly before me. She eyed me warily and kept a straight face.
"I had no idea that you were staying with your girlfriend? Why didn't you tell your aunt the truth and explain where you're really staying? And why on earth are you keeping Mitch a secret from her?" she continued without interruption.
"Wow. Did you just eavesdrop on me?" I asked, perplexed.
"Excuse me. You were shouting so loudly that nobody could avoid hearing what you said."
The sales girls standing around all nodded in confirmation, and increasingly gave me the feeling that I had committed a terrible mistake.
"Ok, so what's going on? Why are you keeping us a secret from your aunt?"
"Aunt Anne is a strict Catholic," I tried to maneuver myself out of this mess in which I was knee-deep.
"So? My Granny is, too."
"If I told my Aunt that I have a boyfriend and I'm staying with his family, she would demand that I at least marry him," I laid it on somewhat thick.
"Very nice, what an antiquated attitude. Does that explain the separate rooms?"
"I had to make that concession. Otherwise I wouldn't have had any peace of mind."
Hopefully, Sue would never find out the truth. What kind of mixed up situation was this anyway? Why in the world had I agreed to this nutty idea and gone with Mitch to visit his family?
I had made an effort to give Sue a plausible explanation but the seed of doubt was sown. I could see that much.
For a minute, she seemed to be struggling to decide if she should believe me or not. However, she did request me to follow her into the back rooms so she could try on her wedding dress. I took a deep breath before I followed her.
Sue's wedding dress was breathtakingly beautiful. The slim blonde filled out the bodice perfectly. The dress flowed from the hips into a mountain of tulle, adorned with embroidery and a multitude of pearls. It wouldn't have been the same on me, but on Sue, the dress fit like a glove, as if it had been made for her.
I saw the delight in her eyes as she regarded herself in the mirror and pulled her veil into place.
"Well? What do you think?"
"You are breathtakingly beautiful. Bob can count himself lucky to have such a lovely bride," I gave her my honest opinion.
"Do you really mean that?"
Tears of emotion rose in Sue's eyes. She opened her arms and I allowed her to hug me tightly. If I wanted to pretend now that I would come out of the whole thing without any harm, then I was lying through my teeth.
I desperately had to talk to Mitch.
"Mitch? Are you here?"
Hmm, strange. He wasn't anywhere to be found. Not in the library, the garden, or anywhere else in the house. Although we were staying together under the same roof, I didn't know where his room was.
I climbed to the upper floor and unhurriedly meandered down the long corridor. Continually on guard, in case a sound would reveal Mitch's presence. When I heard his voice coming from one of the rooms, I stopped in front of it.
Something inside me told me to turn around and speak with him later. After all, he seemed to be occupied at the moment. I didn't want to disturb him. Of course, I realized that was just a flimsy excuse. But before my courage could completely desert me, Mitch's voice rose on the other side of the door. I unintentionally became a witness to a very interesting conversation.
"No, Samantha. You're not going to do that. It's over once and for all. I never want to see you again. Do you understand?" shouted Mitch impatiently.
What on earth was wrong? Who in the world would make him that furious? I didn't know that he could be so aggressive. And who was Samantha? His ex?
While I was still wondering, Mitch pulled the door wide open. When he saw me, he quickly stopped moving. Frozen with fear, I wasn't able to get out of his way.
He was blazing with rage. Like an animal that feels confined, he passed me without a word and ran off.
What I should do? Go after him? Leave him alone? Damn, I didn't know him well enough to judge what would be best in this situation.
When it came down to it, it was the unhappy look behind his gaze, hidden behind the angry façade, which led me to go look for him. I hurried down the stairs to the first floor, wandered through the entry, and took a direct route to the garden.
I wasn't sure if I would actually find him here, but it did seem like a good place to l
ook. In the garden, you felt at peace and mostly didn't run the risk of seeing anybody else there.
And there he was. Before I had even fully opened the garden gate, I saw him. He was leaning on a tree out past the flower bed and the lawn. He was looking off in the distance so he didn't notice me cautiously coming nearer.
My heart was in my mouth. I still wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing. However, I was convinced that I had to try. He may have needed my help or somebody who could talk with him calmly.
Before I could say anything Mitch noticed me coming closer.
"You can stay. I'm not going to eat you, don't worry about that," he said stiffly.
I slowly walked nearer until we were only separated by a few feet. Then I stopped and waited. Just as I thought it would be better to go, he began to speak.
"I just had a very unpleasant conversation with a person whom I had banished forever from my life not all that long ago," he revealed.
"Can I do anything for you? Would you like to talk about it?" I asked quietly.
"Samantha was my great love. We met at a party and sparks flew immediately. After a few weeks, we were already a couple and we were making plans together for our future. When I had to go to Boston on business, I decided to get a ring there for Sam and to propose marriage after my arrival home. So I bought her a diamond ring, flew back a couple hours earlier than I told her I would, and gathered all my courage. The flight was torture. I kept thinking about the right words. How I could make it clear to her that she was the only one for me and it would always be this way. Well, I got home and right in front of my eyes I found I had been an absolute fool, an unprecedented idiot. As I opened the door to our apartment, an uneasy feeling crept over me. I called Sam's name since she would have been at home, but didn't get any answer. A dark premonition took hold of my senses and I went directly to our bedroom. When I heard sounds behind the door, I opened it right away and was forced to watch how the love of my life was enjoying herself with my then-best friend."
He stopped speaking as abruptly as he had begun. He was still gazing into the distance. His hands were balled into fists and his body stiffened.
