Existential (Fallen Aces MC Book 4)

by Max Henry

  I don’t need my little sister to give me a grilling; I already know what she has to say. I’m telling it to myself.

  I shouldn’t have been so selfish and used Dagne like this.

  I should think more about how my actions affect others.

  I should fucking well ask for help.

  If I’d done that last one, then I could damn well lay money on the fact we wouldn’t be here now, hiding out in a fucking barn. Without a doubt, Crackers will have the same thing to say. I should have taken the threat to the table when Donovan first cornered me with the insider info he’d managed to get a hold of. How, I still don’t know. But finding the leak in our system hardly seems a priority when I’ll now be wanted in my home state.

  Hoo-fucking-rah. Living the dream.

  Mel takes up position next to Dagne, talking quietly enough that I can’t hear … about me most likely. I watch the two of them for a moment, finding a clean section of floor to recline on. Legs stretched out before me and my shoulders propped against the wall, I pull my phone out and praise the fact I left my everyday one at home today, figuring I’d only need the burner I used for Dagne.

  Praying like hell I’ve remembered his number right, I dial Crackers and wait on him to pick up.

  “Hello?” he answers skeptically.

  I close my eyes in relief. “Hey, brother.”

  “What’s going down?” I wouldn’t be calling him on an unknown number unless there was some sort of trouble afoot.

  “Got myself in a spot of bother,” I say with a hint of humor in my voice. “Could you check the lines, see if there’s an APB out for me?”

  He sighs heavily down the line, the tick-tick of the lighter in the background indicating he’s sparking up. “What’ve you done?”

  “May have lost a couple of bullets into an officer this afternoon.”

  “Fuck’s sake. Dare I ask why?”

  “Family issues.” I glance across at Mel, my heart heavy at what we’ve been through.

  “You ain’t got no family anymore, brother.” Crackers pauses, presumably to take a drag while the penny drops. “Oh, shit. Really?”

  “Yeah. I tracked down Mel.”

  “Why the fuck is this the first I’m hearin’ about it?”

  I pack away his hurt to deal with later. “I wanted to be sure things were level before I brought her home.”

  “Level?” he scoffs. “As in, you didn’t trust us.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  “Then what is it?” he snaps. “You’ve been distant since Carlos shot Judas, and yeah, we got that, brother. You lost your old man and your baby sister in the same day—anybody would have caved. But fuck man, you never came back to us, you just went further in on yourself and to be honest,” he pauses for effect, “there are murmurs goin’ around about what you’re up to. Nobody sees you half the time. You hide out in your room, or disappear on the road without notice.” He sighs. “People are gettin’ uncomfortable. You’re supposed to be their leader.”

  “Uncomfortable, how?” Mutiny? A planned reshuffle?

  “You don’t share a fuckin’ thing with us anymore, which makes people wonder if you’re hidin’ shit. We’re supposed to be a unit, brothers in arms, and here you are sulking in the shadows and shuttin’ everyone out. We can’t help you if you won’t let us near you, man.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m askin’ for help now, ain’t I?” The girls both look across at my raised tone. “Just take the head of the table until I get back, would you?”

  “How long you gonna be gone?”

  “Depends on if there’s an APB or not. Ring me back when you find out.” I disconnect before he has a chance to say anything else.

  Fucker has my number. Also has my chair, now. He can use both however he pleases. To say I’m over the whining and bitching that I’m not transparent enough for them is an understatement.

  “Everything okay?” Mel crouches down to my left, hands loose between her knees.

  “Fine.” I check the time on the phone’s display. “We’ve got a few hours to kill, so I suggest you girls try to get some sleep. You’ll probably be travelling in the small hours.”

  “And you?” She narrows her gaze on me. “Where you goin’?”

  I shrug. “I really don’t know, sis. Take it as it comes.”

  She drops to her ass with a puff of dirt and hay dust. “This sucks.”

  “You don’t say.” I reach out, pulling her to my side. Feels too good to have her back close enough to hold.

  “It sucks most that I just get you back, and now you’re leaving me. We’re just switching places, really, aren’t we?”

  “Whatever keeps us alive, little sis.” I hook her in and place my head to hers.

  “Yeah, I know.” She pulls away a little, gesturing to where Dagne has curled up on the hay bale with a sweatshirt as a blanket. “I’m just worried about her. She’s not as used to this kind of chaos as we are.”

  “Which is why I need you to make me a promise, girl.”

  “What?”

  I suck in a breath at the thought of what’s to come. “You gotta make sure she sticks around long enough that she’s still here for me when I get back. I’ve got to set things straight, make it up to her for what I’ve done.”

  “That could be months, years even, Hooch.”

  “I know, but she doesn’t deserve to be left hangin’ without a proper apology.”

  Mel’s gaze hardens as she pushes herself up with a hand to my chest. “What are you not tellin’ me about her, big brother?”

  “Nothing I know how to explain.”

  Let alone understand.

  TWENTY

  Dagne

  Given the heat of the day, the night drops to an unbearable low. I shiver beneath the thin fabric of my sweatshirt, cursing the situation for the thousandth time. Crickets chirp somewhere close outside, the swish of a tree branch scratches and scrapes against the roof of the barn.

  I roll to my right, stretching out my limbs, and note the pale amber glow of a cigarette coming from Hooch’s side of the barn. I can barely make out the silhouette in the dark, but instinct tells me it’s too large for one person so Mel must be close by.

  Hooch’s shadow rises, the amber glow moving with it. He crosses the barn softly; his chains and buckles clinking quietly as he does. I draw my knees up—somehow intimidated by his large form despite the fact I know whom this looming shadow belongs to.

  “You keepin’ warm enough?” His husky tone vibrates through the still night air.

  “Not really.”

  “Sleep in the truck if you like.”

  “It’s okay. I might just do laps and get my body moving. Should warm me up.”

  He sucks back on the cigarette; the glow flares and lights his face some before fading to almost nothing once more.

  “I didn’t realize you smoked.”

  “Only when I run out of blow,” he mutters.

  Great. Stuck in a barn with a criminal, and now he’s going to get twitchy on withdrawals.

  “I won’t hurt you,” he offers softly, as though reading my thoughts. “Always been blessed not to have the rage when I go without. I just get moody. Been told I’m no fun to be around.”

  “Because you’re such a clown normally,” I say dryly. He’s been nothing but moody and overbearing since I met him.

  He laughs bitterly, stubbing the cigarette butt out with his foot. “Believe it or not, I’ve always been the joker among my friends.”

  “Really?” I can’t hide my surprise. “I don’t mean to sound nasty, it’s just …”

  “I’ve been an asshole?”

  “At first, yeah.” I think back to our interaction at the clubhouse. “But as of late I’d just say you’ve been withdrawn.”

  “Kind of goes with the territory when you’re battling your demons.” The bale rocks as he gets comfy beside me. “Tell me your story, Dagne. What makes you a drifter?”

  “Like you said earlier, how ma
ny of us really have a choice?”

  “Bad home life?”

  “You could say that.”

  Silence hangs between us, and I know he’s waiting on me to say more. But I don’t know if I can do it. Every time I’ve formulated the explanation in my head, it’s seemed so … trivial. I don’t see how someone who wasn’t there could understand it.

  “When I was seven,” Hooch starts out of nowhere, taking me by surprise, “my old man caught me sitting on his bike.” He snorts a short laugh. “Fuck knows why I thought I could get away with it; I knew it was a bad idea at the time. I only remember wantin’ to know what it felt like to be him. I loved my old man, still do, but that day changed why.”

  I turn toward him, my eyes having adjusted to his outline. I can barely make out his profile, the way his head is hung and his hands fidget as he speaks.

  “He caught me stretched out over the tank to reach the handlebars, my feet stickin’ out at wild angles because I was way too small to reach the pegs. He reached for the nearest thing to him and smacked me across the arm with a tire iron. His love for the machine outweighed his understanding for me.”

  “What happened next?” Instinctively I reach out for him, resting my hand on his forearm.

  He links his other hand through mine. “He fractured the bone. Regretted it instantly, but the damage was done. I refused to let him visit me in the hospital, wouldn’t speak to him when I came home. It drove a wedge between him and my mother. They divorced a year later.”

  “And you blame yourself?”

  “They both blamed me,” he states flatly. “Ask Mel, she’ll back it up. She was old enough to remember by then.” He gives my hand a squeeze, his thumb tracing a path over the back of mine. “The point I’m tryin’ to make, I guess, is that nobody’s home life is perfect. I hated him for what he did, but it wasn’t until we’d already lost several years of history to the incident that I found out he hated himself more.”

  “I don’t think my father sees any of it as a mistake.”

  “You’ve spoken to him?”

  “Too late.” I try to pull my hand free, withdraw, yet Hooch holds firm. “He died. Mom refuses to talk to me. Said my lies were what made him sick.”

  “Lies?”

  You can do it. I need to trust him with this. I need to offload what kills me inside, bounce it off somebody neutral to what happened and see if they validate my feelings or point out what I’m too close to see.

  “He abused me verbally. We were poor. Dad lost his job when I was eight; the plant shut down. Like half the town, he never found more work. He’d blame me for everything costing so much, tell me that if they’d never had me they wouldn’t be struggling so badly to make ends meet.” I look up into his eyes, taken aback my how soft and understanding they are, even in the dim light. “I’m an only child.”

  “That’s harsh, Dagne.”

  “Yeah, it is. Thing was, he’d do it when Mom wasn’t around. He wore two faces: one for her, and one just for me. Towards the end, I really couldn’t tell if he still loved me anymore or not.”

  The hand in mine slips up my side to loop behind my back, and with a strong arm slipped beneath my legs, Hooch swings me up to sit in his lap. He says nothing more, simply sighs and pulls me close like a child, tucking my head beneath his chin as he holds me firm with a palm splayed over the back of my thigh. His beard tickles my temple, but I focus instead on the soothing hand that spans the back of my neck. His thumb rubs an even rhythm over my heated flesh, our interaction warming me more than any laps around the barn could do.

  “Thank you,” I whisper.

  “For what?”

  “For understanding. For not asking me more.”

  He dots a kiss to my head, and then resumes his gentle stroking. “You’ll tell someone when you’re ready.”

  “You’re the only person I’ve opened up to,” I admit. “I always lie, make something up about how I like to explore, but it’s all bullshit.”

  “You just don’t know where you belong yet, is all. You’re still lookin’.”

  Goddamn him. I try my best, I really do, but the tears spill over silently, wetting my shirt and no doubt soaking his. He gets me. He nailed the thing that troubles me most in one perfect sentence.

  I don’t fit in—anywhere.

  But it’s more than that.

  I’m scared that even when I find the place I want to be, that I’ll still never belong.

  That I won’t know how to.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Hooch

  “Really appreciate you doin’ this for me, man.”

  King nods his acceptance, looking across to where one of his newer members, Dog, helps my sister onto the back of his bike. Dagne stands beside King’s ride, looking as lost as a lamb in snow.

  “We’ve got plenty of places they can fall off the radar for a while without havin’ to be completely hidden if the clubhouse gets too risky.” He turns his dark gaze on me. “Do I ask where I can find you?”

  “I’ll keep in touch,” I say. “Unsure what way I’ll head, yet.”

  A prospect unloads an unmarked bike from the back of a van for me. King nods toward the kid. “Figured if I brought the new blood, they’d be the last ones to get grilled by the sheriffs. Even if they are questioned and broken, they won’t have enough from being here to lead anyone in your direction.”

  “I owe you big time.” I reach out and pull King in for a clinch.

  “Brother, you’ve done more than enough to repay this tenfold over the years.” He pats me on the back and pulls away, one hand lingering on my shoulder. “Consider it a favor to start repaying my debts.”

  The prospect parks the naked bike beside mine, which in contrast is emblazoned with a large Aces logo each side. “Make sure he’s gentle on her,” I say as the kid starts wheeling my bike into the van.

  “I’ll make sure he gives her the same respect as his mother,” King says with a smile.

  I head across to Dagne as King moves to help the prospect tie my bike down. She gives me a weak smile as I approach, her hands wrapped over that woven bag she keeps close to her side.

  “You’ll get a ride up to Lincoln, and from there King will organize somewhere for you to stay and maybe some work if you want it.”

  Her gaze drops to the floor, the smile long faded.

  “I know you want to keep moving, Dagne, but just let me do this for you.”

  “Why?” She lifts her gaze, hands tight around the strap of her bag.

  I falter under her scrutiny, unsure why myself I want to keep her close. Something about knowing she’s within reach, within contact, keeps me settled. The thought of using her like this and then just spitting her back out into the world to fare it alone sends my blood racing.

  “Every now and then you cross paths with somebody you’re fated to meet,” I explain. “You don’t know it at the time, why you’ve been thrust into a situation with this person who’s a complete stranger, but down the line it makes sense. I guess I’m hopin’ that my instincts are right, and this is one of those times.”

  As wary as she looks, she nods, glancing over to King who hesitates a respectable distance away. I check on Mel, and find her in position behind Dog, waiting on the signal to go.

  My heart quickens; it’s too fast. I wanted more time with Dagne, to have her open up more about what hurt her. But life’s a fickle bitch, and time is a resource we never appreciate until it’s gone.

  “Hang around until I get back, okay?”

  She frowns, probably wondering why it matters. “I’ll try.”

  “No.” I shake my head, closing the space between us. “You will.”

  Her eyes are wide, the heat of her breath warm on the base of my neck. Thoughts of how snugly she fits into my front, fleet through my mind, visions of her in my arms, beside me wherever I may lay my head for the night. The future is here, right in front of me, and I can’t explain how I know that. I just do.

  She has to see it as well.


  Why else would her hand lift to gently rest against my chest? Why else would she swallow thickly, craning her neck to meet my gaze dead on? Her cheeks flush, and she curls one side of her lips up in a shy smile.

  “Take care, Hooch.”

  I lift the hand against my chest to my lips and kiss her knuckles. “You too, fairy.”

  “Just kiss the damn woman and get it over and done with,” King mutters as he walks behind her to mount his bike.

  I chuckle, noticing the sparkle in Dagne’s eyes despite the fact her face has turned beet red. “Don’t worry about him. He’s frustrated becau—”

  Warm lips cut my words short. My hands instinctively find their way to her face as she presses her mouth against mine. No tongue, no over-the-top heat, just a promise that she gets whatever this is between us, too.

  She pulls away, and I drop my hands to her neck as she smiles. “Stay,” I plead on a whisper.

  If only this tiny woman knew the power she wielded to provide a companion for the darkness in my heart. Perhaps then she wouldn’t doubt that she belonged. Her home is in mine, bringing the light to an otherwise darkened room.

  “Okay.” Her hands cover mine, her fingers wrapping beneath my hold. “For a little while. I just need you to make sure I have a reason to.”

  “Be back before you know it.” I flash her a cheeky grin, and then help her onto King’s bike.

  He starts the engine, the sound loud and thumping inside the barn. Dog starts his as well, the van easing out into the sunshine before them as I approach my sister.

  “Do what King tells you, and don’t cause trouble,” I warn half-heartedly.

  She smiles as I cup her face in my palm. “Yes, brother dearest,” she sasses.

  I give her a smirk in response and tap her nose with my finger. “I’ll be in touch when I can.”

  “Don’t worry about me,” she says with a shake of her head. “Spend that call wisely on the one who’ll need the reassurance.” Her eyes flick behind her, indicating Dagne. “I know you, and I know you can look out for yourself. She doesn’t.”