by Brandon Hill
“Isn’t it?” Sar’vana said in that same low voice. “I knew you’d find it eventually.” She leaned into my shoulder as she turned the next page … and nearly dropped the book as her hand went to her muzzle. She gasped, and her eyes overflowed with emotion.
It was a very detailed drawing, more sophisticated than the scribbles from the beginning of the sketchbook, and the only one where Sar’vana was not present. It showed me, looking up into a black, nighttime sky, waving goodbye to a sketch made of lines from a silver paint pen that created an approximate shape of a Felyan craft. Surrounding the image was the ubiquitous Felyan calligraphy, whose glyphs this time, repeated the same phrase.
“Ne kii tu yan,” I said, reading the Felyan phrase aloud. “I miss you.”
Sar’vana’s voice was heavy, almost quavering when she spoke. “There are wrinkles on the page.” She ran her hand over an area where the ink that was used to make the words had splotched. “What happened?”
“Tears,” I said. I recalled that day: the clearest of all my memories from that time of my childhood, its pain forever etched in my mind. “I cried for a week after. I didn’t eat or sleep; Mom and dad thought that they’d have to take me to the doctor before I finally learned to accept that you were gone. I don’t know why it hurt so badly; I mean I’ve had friends move away before. But … you were different, Vani. It was like a chunk of my own flesh was ripped out the day you left. Nothing could stop the bleeding, and I couldn’t explain why.”
At a glance, I saw Sar’vana staring at the floor as I talked. I was fairly certain that she was still listening, but her stillness unnerved me somewhat.
“You know, I think that’s when my artwork started looking like Felyan stuff,” I said, trying to keep a conversation going, however one-sided it had become. “Its style, its images, its lettering … It’s managed to creep its way into my work ever since.” I smiled at her, and reached out to touch her cheek. “And all because I missed you.”
“I cried too,” Sar’vana suddenly ejected. She turned and looked into my eyes, and I saw the tears that rapidly began to seep into the striped fur upon her cheeks. “I cried too! I’m sorry, Jules, but I did!” She grimaced, and continued before I could say anything. “I promised myself that I wouldn’t, but when the ship began to lift off, it just … it just happened. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. It wouldn’t stop! I couldn’t help it!
She wailed, and buried her muzzle in my shirt, her hands squeezing onto the fabric of my sleeves as I sat there, stunned at the Felyan woman who had come to mean so much to me, immobile as she poured out her pent-up sorrow into my breast. And her sorrow drew tears from my eyes as I held on to her in my otherwise empty home.
“A full week, Jules,” she whispered in a wet, quavering groan. “A full week, the same as you. Even father wasn’t able to console me. He said that I was like he was when mother died. I tried as hard as I could to forget you, but it was like a piece of you remained with me, never letting me forget. And in time, I knew that I didn’t want to ever forget. I’ve traveled across known space, Jules, from An’re’hara to Hemlock. I begged father to continue travelling, despite his desire to return home, all to try and forget. And not a day has gone by that I didn’t think of you. It was only by chance that we were chosen to return to Zynj, and that was like a dream come true to me. I was ecstatic, until father told me that it would only be for a month.”
Her hands slid from my sleeves, and I caught her arms. Her fur was warm and like silk in my grip.
“I wish I could stay here with you, Jules, human attitudes or not. I wish that we had forever together, in a place for just us and no one else.”
It was a beautiful dream, I knew, but not possible, though at that moment, I wished desperately that it was. Unfixed humans like myself were too valuable for our society, and were rarely ever allowed off-planet.
“But we only have this week,” I remarked sadly, entwining her fingers with mine. “And we’ve got to make the most of what we have.”
I leaned forward and touched my forehead to hers, wiping the tears from her soft cheeks with my sleeves. As I did this, Sar’vana, without warning, moved forward and pressed herself against me. Softly and gently, she nuzzled my cheek, and purred with abandon.
“I’ve never been as happy as I’ve been with you this past month,” I murmured, and, recalling Felyan customs of affection, made a far more intimate gesture. When Sar’vana withdrew her cheek from mine, I touched my nose to her own.
“Even now?” Sar’vana asked, her eyes closed in delight at my gesture, and she ran her nose lightly back and forth against mine.
“Especially now, “ I said. “During the dance, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you. You were beautiful. You’ve always been beautiful to me, I think even as a kid.”
“One week,” Sar’vana whispered faintly, still running the velvet softness of her nose upon my own.
“A week to make the best of,” I said in a voice that had a purr of its own.
When I kissed her, I took her by surprise. I heard her sharp intake of breath at this human display of affection. She had seen it before, but I was certain that she was unfamiliar with the experience. I felt her stiffen, but she did not pull away. My hand went to her face as she relaxed and took initiative, deepening the kiss. It was a little bit awkward, as her mouth was slightly larger than mine, but it did not make it any less intimate or pleasurable.
My head was swimming when our lips finally parted. Wasting no time, I shared the affection I felt for her in the Felyan way. Sar’vana’s tongue had been soft across my lips, but to my tongue, her lips were softer still, and sweet as our kiss. Upon its conclusion, the blood was rushing through my head in torrents. I’d read that Felyans much preferred the human expression of affection, and Sar’vana proved this to be true, as she was quick to bring me into another, deeper kiss.
I felt her hands slip out of mine, and move to my back as my lips traveled down her tiny muzzle and to her neck. As I heard her breathing grow more rapid, my own breaths quickened their cadence. I felt the tips of her tapered, sharp fingernails rake gently against the fabric of my shirt as she purred. I pressed her to me, firmly yet softly, holding her close as if we had but seconds left, rather than a week before we would be torn from each other.
“Jules…?” Sar’vana’s voice was as husky with the attempt to wrest sense from a haze of desire as she was gentle when she wrested herself free of my embrace, though this wedged in an abrupt pause to our pleasured interlude. Her hand touched my face, bringing me eye level with her and rousing me most inconveniently from my dreamlike state.
“Jules, I need you to listen,” she said.
Now giving my full attention, I gazed at her questioningly. The heat from her body, and the look in her eyes as they struggled to focus on me were evidence of how much she wanted this, but nevertheless, a part of me wanted to howl in frustration at her sudden cessation of it all.
“What’s wrong, Vani?” I asked, my voice as husky and breathless as hers had been.
“Do you really want this?” Sar’vana asked. Her ebony hair was disheveled in the most alluring way, and the fabric of her top had already loosened to where it revealed much more of the cleavage of her breasts than what was conducive to my thinking straight. “I mean, is this more than just ‘playing around’ to you? I have to know. Do you really want me?”
Her question ground away my instincts in a most annoying moment of reason. I actually had to think about this, if at least for a moment. My thoughts went back to our conversation of several weeks ago, and how Sar’vana had expressed her disdain for our liberal attitude towards coupling. I most certainly had taken the liberty of sharing a bed with Keisha every night previously, despite how much I was normally disinclined towards sex ‘for the fun of it.’ Also, though I hadn’t read into it much, I was certain that Felyans had a much more stable approach to relationships. I had not been a virgin for a long time; there were some girls who had managed to break through even my
wall of ice every now and again, and I indulged in a night or two with them in order to stave off loneliness, or to at least keep Chester from busting my proverbial chops. But this was different. I wasn’t sure how, but I was almost certain that Sar’vana had never been with a man before, Felyan or otherwise. Unless she would tell me otherwise, I would suppose that this most likely would be her first time. And most important, she loved me, and wanted to know if I felt the same way. Her implied question was even more evident than her spoken one. Fortunately, I had known what the answer would be for perhaps a week. It took me a while to come to terms with what it meant for me, but I came to realize that my happiness, regardless of the consequences, was the most important thing. So I accepted it. Damn Chester; damn my family; damn this whole planet. I knew at last whom I belonged with, and to whom my heart belonged. Ten years had only forestalled the inevitable.
I kissed Sar’vana with feverish passion; this was the first part of my answer. I believe my will gave her all the knowledge of my feelings that she needed in that kiss. While she was still dizzy with its intensity, I cupped her face in my hands and smiled with full confidence and certainty.
“I want you,” I said, divulging the second part. “And I love you.”
There was no movement in her face. Not a muscle twitched. But two tears ran down from her violet eyes, and her shuddering breaths were, for seconds after, the sole indicators of her feelings.
“Vani…” I whispered.
“Jules …” she replied in a voice that was just as soft.
We said no more. My kiss was much gentler this time, but with no less emotion. I felt the skin beneath Sar’vana’s soft, silken pelt grow warm against me as we slowly picked up where we left off. But soon, I stopped us before time began to grow fuzzy in the haze of our love and desire. I had no words to say, however, no questions, as I stood and took Sar’vana by the hand. She saw the intent in my eyes, and with like silence, she followed me as I led her into the bedroom.
We were at first tentative and hesitant as Sar’vana and I loved each other that first time. But we were also curious, and we learned from one another every step of the way, in an experience that was at once awkward and blissful. I knew that anatomically, Felyans, excepting the Hara’Kya type, were practically the same as humans, but that was the limit of my knowledge. Tonight, our experience with each other taught us a great deal, among which, was the fact that Felyans were sensitive in some places where humans were not, such as the base of the tail: a discovery that gave us quite a bit of delight in our foreplay.
I could not help but laugh at Sar’vana’s incessant purring. It was such a delightful sound. Despite how much I liked it, she still seemed to retain some self-consciousness, but I eagerly showed her my affinity for it in words and action, and she quickly lost her embarrassment. Conversely, the point of my self-consciousness revealed itself whenever Sar’vana had completely disrobed me. Outside of books, or perhaps holos (Did she even go for that kind of thing?), she had perhaps never seen a human naked before. She was, of course, not unused to the sight of a being with so little hair, as An’Kya Felyans were hairless with the exception of the head and tail, but I was hairier than most human males: a fact that intimidated some girls of my species, and left me a bit shy about it, despite my laziness at shaving. But Sar’vana was comforted by the presence of my hair, and could not stop running her fingers through it.
Piece by piece, our clothes became a pile beside the bed. I pulled at the fanciful knot that bound her top, and the last of Sar’vana’s clothes slipped away. Yes, Sar’vana was a Felyan, an alien, but I felt none of the revulsion that I’d been taught that I ought to feel. Rather, I felt the exact opposite. I was drawn ever more strongly to her, and felt defiantly privileged at having one such as her to love. I discovered that Sar’vana was, in contrast to me, not the least bit ashamed of her body. She was, in fact, delighted at how attractive I saw her. Most humans on my world saw only upright talking animals when they observed her kya, but I observed a lovely female form, exotic in appearance perhaps, but no less beautiful or tempting than any human girl. In fact, I could not help but feel some confusion as to how any human could not be envious of the lovely striped patterns upon Felyan bodies.
I took Sar’vana’s hands in mine and she slid into my welcoming arms. I ran my hands through her luxurious fur, reaching down to her skin, touching her in as many places as I could, and she did the same with me, making pleasured noises amidst the thrilling sound of her soft purring. I tasted her with my kisses, and she did the same, experimenting with me, as we had at the beginning, with what felt best between us. Our bodies conjoined, and I heard her whimper with delight. I smiled, and spoke her name with the reverence of a supplicant as we moved together, gently and tentatively as we did in the beginning of our passions. We held each other so close as to meld into one as we made love, and soon, I forgot who and where I was. There was no human, no Felyan, no Chester, Keisha, or Zynj; There was only myself and Sar’vana, the girl I’d loved since I saw her first dance, years ago, now one with me tonight, as we met the ultimate destiny of our emotions. Her purring transformed into low growls, and then breathless, sighing cries, letting me know what I did right. We made passionate love, and she became my universe, enfolding me within herself as she siphoned me of all the love and desire that I gave in increasing increments. She was soft and receptive in my arms ... and so very beautiful: silken shades of gray, violet, and midnight black that pressed against me and enfolded me, compelling me to give ever more of myself as she gave to me, until we, in the fullness of time, released that culmination of love in its grandest expression.
With Keisha, it took more times than I cared to count to wrest myself free of the burn by way of sheer exhaustion; with Sar’vana, it took only once. We lay there afterward, half dozing, our words stolen away by our love and joy at the beautiful thing that had happened between us. Sar’vana rested, supremely happy, and breathing contented sighs upon my chest while my arm was draped over her. As I stroked her luxurious fur, it was then that I realized that not only was I not exhausted, but to my amazement and utter relief, the burn had never come. Everything that we did, from that first kiss to the ecstasy of our climax, had been completely natural, and satisfying in a way I had never expected. I felt no claustrophobic, consuming need, save the passion that drove us. I was in complete control from beginning to end, taking the lead when I wanted, and allowing Sar’vana to guide me when she desired it. And when Sar’vana and I made love, it did not end in a disappointing aftermath of disinterest and crippling fatigue. Rather, I was completely satisfied, and happier than I’d ever been in my life. I felt the love I had for her grow tenfold at the sight of her in peaceful repose, the emotion swelling in my heart, filling it near to bursting.
“I love you,” I heard her say in a lilting whisper. She purred softly against my skin as I felt two of her tears roll onto my chest.
“I love you,” I replied with absolute conviction. I was never more certain of anything. I wrapped my arms more closely about her, and I was no longer afraid, or ashamed.
7
I like to believe that Sar’vana and I fell asleep at the same time, but I would be lying if I said that I was certain of it. Still, she and I did slip into a light, happy slumber.
Well, perhaps it was happy for her. Despite the indescribable joy of our first night, I suffered strange and disturbing dreams as I slept: a series of dreadful reveries that made me think that our wonderful night had only been a dream itself. Disappointment and anguish forced me awake with a shudder. Sensations then returned to my body ... chiefly the softness and warmth of Sar’vana upon my chest. And these reassuring sensations quickly melted away all the tension from that dream into little more than an annoying half-memory. I smiled as I touched her, just to confirm her presence, and then relaxed with relief that spread through me like a cooling weight.
“Jules?” I heard her say with some concern. And I flushed at the realization that my shudder had awakened h
er.
“It’s okay, Vani,” I reassured her, murmuring the words in my wakefulness. “Last night ... it all felt like a dream.”
“I know.” Her very real words and very real presence gave me a thrill of joy. “It did.”
“But it wasn’t, was it?”
“No. It wasn’t.”
My left arm wrapped around her waist, and I pulled her tighter against me, as if to fully assure myself that it was no dream. I inhaled her powdery scent, felt the texture of her muscles as her side rose and fell in her breaths. She cuddled closer to me, and I could practically feel her smile.
“Are you still sleepy, li-ah?” Sar’vana asked.
I felt a swell within my chest when I heard her use that word, and there was no way I could keep myself from smiling. Li-ah was a very intimate Felyan word, almost sacred. It was the word that one used to another when they were mated. Using “honey” or perhaps “darling” was only the crudest of equivalents, as it had no real English translation. Felyans saw it as a word that expressed the deepest level of love between mates. Sar’vana’s choice to use it when referring to me was nothing less than an honor and an affirmation of our love. Before this month, I would have been terrified at the thought of being called such a thing by any Felyan, but now, it sounded right and perfect in my ears, and made me desire to hear her say it again. After all, we now belonged to each other; she was now mine, and I was hers. No distance would ever change that.
“No,” I replied. “I’m too happy to sleep.”
“You don’t mind that I call you “li-ah?” Sar’vana asked with some surprise.
“Not at all. In fact, I’m glad you did.”
“I love you.” She pressed herself against me and eyed me with her violet gaze. A purr rose up unbidden from within her as she nuzzled me.
“Li-ah, ti ari k’a-i,” I whispered, feeling the softness of her fur against my cheek and neck as she nuzzled me, and pressed her soft tongue against my flesh. I love you, my darling. Always.
