License to Love: Holiday Box Set (Contemporary Romance)

by Kristen James

  Savanna’s voice broke the silence. “You’re so brave, Cassie. I don’t think I could go through this.”

  “Don’t you think bravery implies a choice?” Cassie paused. “I can’t feel anything but anger.”

  Though Cassie hadn’t purposely directed her comment at him, Jason felt it prick him in the back. He almost wanted to tell her she didn’t have an exclusive right to feel angry. Everyone lost Mike. He’d carry this guilt the rest of his life, but he alone didn’t convince Mike to stay with the department. Mike had loved being a firefighter.

  They were quiet behind him, but everyone’s mood made the air heavy with unspoken messages.

  What would he do about Savanna? She had a husband waiting for her, he had to remember that. He couldn’t infer meaning into that missing wedding ring. Maybe she lost it; maybe they had a fight.

  Then Cassie said to Savanna, “I didn’t even think to ask how long you can stay.”

  Jason put the new tire on and tightened it, while mentally kicking himself for listening.

  “I’m not going back, Cass.” The world went still as if her words had commanded it. He accidentally stilled before kick-starting his movements. “I didn’t want to explain right away, not with all this going on.”

  His hand stopped again on the jack as he lowered the car back down. Cassie must have been shocked as well, because it took a full minute for her to react.

  “Savanna, what happened?”

  Apparently Cassie was too curious to wait for privacy.

  “A lot.” Savanna sounded near sobs. A minute later, she continued in a somber, but controlled, tone. “Can I stay with you while I get on my feet? I came back here without a plan.”

  He had quickly knocked out the job, throwing himself into twisting the bolts off and then back onto the new wheel, but now he took his time because Cassie and Savanna cried in each other’s arms. He shouldn’t listen, but hell, he needed something to think about besides Mike.

  He put the jack away and shut the trunk, knowing he couldn’t stall any longer. “It’s all ready.” Cassie and Savanna pretended he didn’t just overhear their conversation, and he let them get away with it.

  Somehow he’d find out why Savanna left her husband, a doctor he’d been told, and the father to her small child.

  She seemed so eager to help others. If she did leave him, and not the other way around, there must be a pretty big and ugly reason for it.

  Cassie got in and yanked the passenger door shut behind her. On the driver’s side, Savanna paused inside the open car door. Just her look made his heart thump, like he was about to head into a fire.

  She mouthed, “Thank you,” maybe so Cassie wouldn’t hear, or maybe because she’d gotten too emotional to speak. Jason nodded and got in his jeep. They drove off in different directions, and he felt hollow again, even more so. He had no idea how he’d make it to nightfall. He couldn’t think about his best friend or how the day moved toward closing like any other normal day.

  Many of his friends—Cassie’s friends—were gathered at her house. Savanna was there, but he couldn’t be.

  Three

  Sitting in Cassie’s nursery that night, Savanna rocked with Aubrey snuggled against her, trying to ignore the feeling that she sat in a rocker for a baby that would never come. Cassie had the house, the nursery, but no husband or baby on the way.

  For a short while, Savanna had the nice house and the husband, but all that changed when she told Eric she was pregnant. Eric had worked all the time, and she had to accept that because he was a doctor. Still, she’d felt let down by married life. Then, when she discovered that a small life was growing inside her, it gave her new meaning and new excitement about their marriage. She had spent several days figuring out the perfect way to tell him. Eric had promised to be home for a special candle-lit dinner. Only he never showed. Later, at eleven, he called to say he’d gone out with his friends instead.

  He came home too late to talk that night and left early the next morning for work, but he stopped by the house that afternoon. Savanna couldn’t contain her excitement and met him at the door, throwing her arms around him and exclaiming the news.

  “We’re pregnant!”

  “What? You’re pregnant?”

  That separation between we and us was the breaking point in their marriage. It took her a while to figure that out, but that was the second Eric looked at her and realized this wasn’t what he wanted at all. She had been a huge mistake.

  So she was here now, back in Eugene, and that meant the chance to start over. She felt guilty over that, despite her excitement. It seemed wrong to think about possibilities for her when life had taken such a mean twist for Cassie, and Jason too. Today had been one of the longest days of her life. She could see how much Cassie hurt, but she couldn’t help her. Jason needed someone, too. She’d come back to Eugene to comfort Cassie, to fix their friendship, and now that mission included Jason.

  A movement caught her eye. Cassie leaned in the doorway. “Still up?”

  Savanna whispered her reply so Aubrey wouldn’t wake up.

  “Thanks for . . . understanding about Jason,” Cassie started. “I just can’t even think about him right now.”

  “Yeah, about . . .”

  “Goodnight,” Cassie said, leaving. Savanna wanted to run after her, but she couldn’t with a sleeping little girl on her lap. What would she say anyway? She knew better than to argue with Cassie’s emotions. She rubbed tension from her forehead, hoping she’d find the guts to bring Jason up later.

  She laid Aubrey down in the playpen set up as a bed and stretched out on the air mattress next to her. Savanna had seen many people today she hadn’t seen since moving to Texas. It had been nice to see old friends and chat with her mom in person instead of over the phone. She would have more time to talk to her mom, but she had yet to tell her the truth.

  Jason’s face jumped to mind, like a dream. He saw him in that intense firefighter mood, his eyes scanning her for injury. Then she remembered his face from the funeral, lost in his grief. She rolled onto her back on the air mattress and threw an arm over her eyes. Still, his face wouldn’t go away.

  Time ground forward the next day. Savanna felt like they were pushing it forward, and maybe everything would stop if they didn’t try to go on. She kept Aubrey occupied with toys and books, while people stopped by throughout the morning. The day soon became a blur of people, and Cassie seemed hit the worst by it.

  “I need quiet,” Cassie said as she rubbed her face. “I can’t take this anymore.”

  “I’ll get everyone out of here.” Savanna rubbed her own neck, exhausted from the emotional strain.

  “You can take a break too, Savanna. Go see your mom.”

  They leaned on each other for a few minutes, with Savanna asking, “Are you sure?” and Cassie saying several times, “Yes, go!” Maybe Cassie needed a break from her . . . or Aubrey.

  Forty minutes later, Savanna left in Cassie’s car. When she had caught up with some of her old friends at the funeral, she’d asked where Jason lived. She vaguely remembered the building and took a roundabout way to her mom’s so she could drive past his home. It felt odd to drive through her old hometown, although it hadn’t been that long ago if you measured in time. It was when you measured in life that it felt so far past.

  Turning down his street, she drove under old pine trees stretching up toward the sky. With branches feathering like outstretched fingers, the trees made the street shadowy and forest-like. The houses resembled cottages with green yards full of little statues.

  She came upon the townhouses, a row of three connected homes that filled the open space between two clusters of trees. Their green paint matched the forest around them. The yards in front were well-kept, and the building looked fairly new.

  Jason’s jeep was gone, though she wasn’t sure if she would have stopped had it been there. When she brought her gaze back to the road, she found out where his jeep was. It was almost beside her, coming from th
e opposite direction so that she had to drive by him.

  “Caught,” Savanna said under her breath. She’d slowed down already, and there weren’t any other vehicles on the street. Idling, she waited. He pulled up beside her.

  “Hi. I thought I’d swing by and see how you’re doing.”

  Exhaling a long breath, he searched her face and didn’t answer right away. She loved the rich brown color of his eyes, but she didn’t like the lost look in them. He looked even more tired than before, his eyes more bloodshot.

  “Jason, are you okay?”

  “Ah, I guess. Just trying to keep busy.”

  She couldn’t leave him that way, just couldn’t. While she tried to form the words, he shook his head.

  “Don’t worry about me. I’m stopping by home to pick up some stuff, and then heading over to Trevor’s.”

  A friend. A good one, she hoped, that would see Jason needed someone to talk to. He needed something.

  “Okay.” She watched as he let his gaze drift over her face and hair. The visual caress had her tingling. He looked like he could sit there awhile, taking her in slowly.

  A car came up behind Jason, so they waved goodbye. She felt heat in her face, wondering what had just happened. He pulled into his driveway, while she sped up and headed to her mother’s house. She no longer cared if he wanted her help or not. She had to give it.

  She put the window down, welcoming summer into the car, with a dreamy thought of the breeze through the jeep.

  Driving up, Savanna could see her mom’s house hadn’t changed at all. Vine roses with tiny blooms climbed the old fence around the small yard, creating a private and quaint space inside where her mom tended her rose garden. Margaret Thompson was known for her roses.

  The house, painted a creamy white with honey-colored trim, had a Victorian look to it. Her mom’s front porch was small and held two wicker chairs and a little table with dried flowers. While Savanna had lived in the small home, Margaret had mostly used her back porch, which was larger and overlooked a yard with several flowerbeds.

  Her mom rushed from the house to meet them, but Savanna still needed a minute to wipe her misty eyes.

  “Hey, hey, little girl!” Margaret already had Aubrey’s door open and undid her car seat buckle. “How’s my grandbaby?”

  Her mom went on and on, and Savanna ate it up along with her smiling girl. This is what she’d been longing for. It just felt so good to spend time with her mom again.

  Margaret wore her graying blond hair swept up in a classical bun with a few loose wisps that danced around her face. She had a long, elegant face and a long, lean body that Savanna hadn’t inherited. Savanna had grown all curvy when she hit thirteen. All wrong for ballet, which was the reason it bothered her.

  Her mother glanced over the car at her when they both stood up. “Oh, dear. You look like you need to sit down for a good talk.” Something about her mom’s expression looked like she wanted to talk too.

  They went inside the air-conditioned house and drank iced lemonade. Margaret played with Aubrey, gushing about how happy she was to have them back and showing her all the toys she’d bought for her to play with. Aubrey got busy with all the buttons.

  “Are things that rough?” Margaret sat beside her on the floral sofa that faced the front window. “How’s Cassie holding up?”

  Maybe that’s what Margaret had wanted to discuss. “She’s hurting, she’s mad, and sometimes she seems to want distance from Aubrey. It’s subtle, but when it pops up, I don’t know what to think or do.” Savanna scooted back into the sofa, needing to feel something behind her.

  “Well, she’s mourning more than just Mike. She probably needs room to mourn the children they won’t have together. Dreams can be powerful, you know.” She paused, staring off into the distance. “Poor girl. He was so young.”

  Wasn’t that what people always said? The words had been a cliché till now. It was true, though. Cassie had lost everything. Savanna saw her mother’s gaze on her, waiting with understanding.

  “They have this perfect little house and all these plans.”

  “If it’s that hard for Cassie to have Aubrey around…why don’t you stay here?”

  “And leave Cassie alone?” Savanna replied. Even with the tension about Aubrey, Cassie acted as if she appreciated Savanna’s help. “I don’t think I can, not this soon anyway.”

  “Have you let yourself deal with it as well? We’ve hardly talked since you arrived.”

  Savanna shrugged, clasped her hands in her lap, and unwittingly put her empty ring finger in sight. She stared down at her hand for too long, until her mom put an arm around her.

  “Tell me what else is going on . . . with Eric. His mother has called several times in the last six months looking for you. I thought that was extremely odd. Did you and Eric have a falling out with her?”

  “Georgia called here?” That didn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t she just call Eric? Then again, they’d had a tense relationship, and Eric thought his mother was overbearing and pushy. Savanna had barely known her mother-in-law, so she hadn’t thought of calling her before leaving Texas.

  Now Savanna knew what had been on her mother’s mind. It hadn’t been just Cassie after all.

  “Savanna, why did she call me?”

  “Mom,” she said, planning to continue but not sure where to take it. Savanna glanced up, feeling a bit helpless. It was one of those moments when you need your mom to just understand because you can’t really explain.

  “I didn’t say anything to her,” Margaret assured her. “You kept saying things were fine . . .”

  Now that was begging for some answers. Savanna swallowed and suddenly the practiced explanation wasn’t enough, but she had to tell her mom something. “I’m staying in Eugene.”

  Silence followed, but Margaret kept her arm around her. Finally, Savanna had to look up and see her mom’s expression. She saw pain. “Mom?”

  She had hidden this awful news all year, afraid it would hurt the people she loved, and yet, deep down, she had always known she was simply ashamed. She didn’t want to face the music. Now, however, her mom looked more disappointed than Savanna had ever seen her. “Mom?” she asked again.

  “I had high hopes for him . . .”

  For him? Her mom was disappointed in Eric?

  “He’s been unfaithful?” Margaret spoke so gently, the words didn’t sound hurtful.

  Savanna looked back at her hands and nodded without moving. “How did you know? Because of Dad?”

  “Well, yes, I’ve been through that kind of pain, and you just look beat down. You tried to sound so cheerful on the phone, but Eric was always out late and never home. Something’s been off for quite a while, hasn’t it?”

  Savanna nodded. “I’ve had my own place since Aubrey was born. I just didn’t want to face it, let alone admit to you and Cassie what had happened.”

  “So you’ve made up your mind to stay?” Margaret tilted her head closer as if Savanna hadn’t been listening. Maybe she had gotten lost in the past. “You aren’t planning to work on things with him?”

  She was so far past that.

  “No, he didn’t like married life and thought it was a big mistake. So I worked on it . . . while we were married. I stayed in Texas a while, but he never wanted to try.”

  “What about Aubrey?”

  Savanna gulped in a breath and then managed a long, deep one. “He’s never even held her. He said he didn’t want kids, but I didn’t think he meant it that much. I got him to come to the hospital, but he just looked at her and left. We’re divorced already, Mom.”

  “Oh, dear Lord!” Margaret wrapped both arms around her, but she didn’t lecture Savanna about not telling her sooner. That, more than anything else, brought on the tears. Savanna cried over her situation, let it all out like she had as a little girl in her mom’s arms. This hurt was bigger than any she’d ever faced, and it would follow her a long time. Her own father had left them for another woman, and she kne
w her mom understood that humiliating kind of pain, the agony of not being wanted.

  “I haven’t told Cassie all of this.” Savanna hiccupped. “And what will I tell Aubrey when she’s older? How can I tell her Eric wouldn’t have anything to do with her? She’ll think the divorce was her fault, just for being born.”

  “Savanna, listen to me, dear.” Margaret reached over and turned Savanna’s face, so they were looking at each other. “She’ll know family here, and love, and we’ll all want her. Don’t worry about ten years down the road yet. Let’s worry about today.”

  Savanna woke up a little after six in the morning. Once she got her eyes opened, she felt more refreshed from her sleep than she had in a long time. Aubrey clapped and squealed at her, wanting out of the playpen.

  “Okay, Bobby Boo.” She sat up slowly. “We’ll take you to a park today and run around, promise.”

  “Mama!”

  She pulled Aubrey up into her arms and crept out into the living room. “How about some coffee?” she whispered to Aubrey.

  “Sounds good.” Cassie’s voice startled her so much she nearly dropped her toddler.

  “You’re up,” Savanna said, almost unsure of where to direct her voice.

  “Couldn’t sleep.” The voice came from the living room.

  “I’m sorry. You needed some sleep.” She leaned to look over the back of the couch on her way to the kitchen. Cassie lay on her back, gazing at the ceiling as if she were looking up into the sky, cloud watching. She was in one of Mike’s shirts, again.

  Aubrey slid to the floor and squatted to inspect something. Savanna went to the counter where the coffeemaker sat and started a pot, and then she cut up some fruit. She always liked the softness of early morning with the smell of coffee brewing.