He takes his strong hands, hands I knew so well and held so many times and turns me around where the light isn’t so strong, isn’t so blinding.
“He’s there, baby, waiting just for you.”
I lean my head against his hand still resting on my shoulder.
“This is okay?”
He gives me a gentle squeeze and laughs again.
“He is everything I could have ever wanted for you Elli girl, he’s brought you back to life when I all but killed you.” He shoves me toward the dim glow and suddenly all the pain comes screaming back.
~Raiden~
There were moments in my life that I had truly thought defined me and the man I would become. The day my dad died was one of them. Realizing that it would be Mama and I from then on out and that someday I would try to follow in his footsteps.
My first tour, where I learned what real brotherhood was and when I met the man that quickly became my best friend.
The first email from Elli. I didn’t even realize that my whole world was about to be uprooted and completely flipped upside down.
The day I came home and saw one beautiful woman standing there waiting on my sorry ass, for reasons I will probably never fully understand.
I stare down at her small delicate hand in mine and know that every change she’s the cause of has been a change I desperately needed. I let my eyes roam to the back of her hand where the IV lead is, wishing that I could take away the sting it’ll cause when she realizes it’s there. Up her tan buff arm that’s swamped by the oversized gown the hospital put her in. Up her sweet neck where I know she smells like lilies. Her gorgeous eyes that I know hold so much truth, so much conviction, and so much strength. I turn her hand over and gently drop a kiss in her palm. Wishing more than anything that I could kiss her eyes open, kiss the gunshot wound on her stomach and kiss her soft lips every day for the rest of our lives.
“Sweet girl,” I whisper. “What are you doing to me?” I kiss her palm again, letting my lips brush against her soft skin over and over. “We’re barely getting started, you can’t leave me here alone now.” My heart aches. “Beautiful Eli,” my voice cracks, the emotion crashing over me like a tidal wave. “I don’t wanna figure this out on my own.” The first tear falls and lands in her palm, gravitating toward the center. “Let me protect you.” Another tear falls. “Let me be the man you turn to when it gets too hard.” Another. “Baby, you need to wake up so I can catch all the stars in the night sky and hang them in your bedroom so you only see beauty before you close your eyes every night.” I hang my head, resting it against her now soaking wet palm. “Sweet girl, I love you more than anything in this world and I need you to wake up so I can show you, so I can marry you.” I let my tears fall, not ashamed in the least to cry over this incredible woman.
It’s close to midnight and the hospital is running on a skeleton crew, making the whole place lose its hum and bustle that daylight brings. The machines assisting my girl are quietly beeping, reminding me of the situation she’s in. My forehead is resting on her thigh, her hand held ever so preciously in my own. I’ll never leave her, no matter what, no force on earth could make me. I close my eyes, feeling her warmth and wishing she would just wake up.
“Raid?” It’s so very soft and quiet I don’t believe I’ve heard it. She clears her throat and tries again. “Raid.”
Music to my fucking ears. My eyes shoot up and I raise my head to see my girl staring right at me. The second I have her eyes she cracks a smile that forever will be seared into my memory as the smile that stole every single piece of my heart and soul.
“Baby,” I whisper, barely keeping it together now. She lifts the hand that I had in mine and brings it to cradle my cheek.
“Raid I had a dream.” I move my hand to cover hers, leaning my face further into her palm.
“Tell me about it.” She shifts to sit up more and winces when she realizes she’s injured. She shakes her head and gets comfortable again ignoring the wound completely.
“I was in Heaven and Garrett was there.” I nod, urging her to continue. “He told me you were waiting for me and that I had to go back to you.” Suddenly I can’t even pretend to speak, so awash with emotion it’s suffocating. “He said you brought me back to life.”
I close my eyes and attempt to get ahold of myself, my eyes tight with unshed tears. “I was waiting for you, I waited for you to open those beautiful eyes, baby.”
She smiles down at me tenderly. I move my face to kiss her palm, a place I’ve kissed so many times in the past twenty-four hours.
“Elli,” I start but she interrupts me.
“Raiden Edward Michaels, I love you.” I’m speechless. “I love you more than I could have ever thought possible, and I know you don’t feel that way for me and we just were getting to know each other and…”
I stand up and move over her, my hands to either side of her face. She just looks up at me mid-sentence and freezes when she sees the look in my eyes.
“Elli Avery Hendricks, I love you with every fucking fiber of my being.” Her mouth pops open in surprise and I take the chance to plant a kiss on her for the first time in what feels like a millennia. “I” kiss “Love” kiss “You” kiss. I lean back and smile when I see her blushing furiously.
“I love you too, Raid.”
Music to my fucking ears.
~Elli~
When Weston pulled the trigger he hit me right on the side of the stomach. He didn’t hit any major organs or so I’m told (it feels like he did) but I lost a significant amount of blood. That would explain me having my little meeting with Garrett in Heaven, and I know with everything in me that I really was there with him. But he pushed me back because he knew it wasn’t my time and that I had a man waiting for me that would do anything to protect me. I didn’t even think about what happened after I was shot, but Raid told me that he knocked Weston out cold, took me to the hospital and stayed with me every moment.
The hospital gave me a transfusion, sewed me up and told me I had to stay for three days. It’s finally the third day and good Lord am I ready to get back to my own place with my doggy and with my guy. Jen stopped by as soon as Raid would let her and said she had Dahlia at her place, and that she would literally kill me if I ever died. Makes sense right? What are best friends for?
I sit up in the bed, ready to be in one that doesn’t have rails on the side, and where I can have my big hulking boyfriend in it with me when there’s a knock on the door. Weston steps in and Raid stands up nearly knocking over the chair he was sitting in. Weston holds up a hand, just as I grab one of Raid’s to keep him calm.
“I know, Raiden, I deserve that.”
Raid growls but doesn’t make any other indication that he’s going to talk.
“Elli, I don’t think there are even words to describe how incredibly sorry I am.” He hangs his head and I can tell that he really means it. “I messed up really bad, I’m messed up really bad and it wouldn’t be right for me to ask for your forgiveness…”
I clear my throat and sit up taller. “Weston, I won’t pretend to understand the kind of mindset you were in when we came over.” He doesn’t say anything but pleads with his eyes for me to keep going. “PTSD is no joke, I lost my husband to it and I thank the Lord that we didn’t lose you to it too.” Raid tightens his grip on my hand letting me know he’s there for me.
Weston steps forward and this time Raid doesn’t try to stop him He comes to the other side of the bed and drops to his knees.
“Elli, I will never forgive myself.” I hold my free hand out to him and he takes it.
“Weston I just want to make sure we help you any way we can.”
He smiles at me, Raid smiles at me and my heart feels so full I can barely stand it.
~Raiden~
She’s standing there looking out over the yard in a peach colored sundress with her hair down in loose curls, cascading down her back. Dahlia is sniffing around while Weston tends to the steaks on the grill and Jen is sitting on t
he bench sipping from her wine glass. I walk up behind Elli and move her hair to one side so that I can bend down and bury my face in her neck. She shivers and brings a hand up to run through my hair. We’re celebrating me becoming a civilian and being accepted into the police academy. There’s one final surprise I have up my sleeve, she just doesn’t know it yet. I kiss her neck, breathing in her sweet lily smell.
“Sweet girl.” She shivers again and tugs on my hair lightly, letting me know just how I affect her. I wrap an arm around her waist and pull her back into me, her soft giggling literally giving me life.
“This is perfect, Raid, I’m so full, so happy.”
I kiss her neck again. “Good baby, I want you to be happy.” I spin her around and start to sway her back and forth, dancing with her to a song no one else can hear. Right here, in my arms, I hold my entire world. She leans her head against my chest while I fish the ring out of my back pocket. It was my mama’s and when I asked her for it, I thought she would never stop crying.
“Elli, I love you more than life itself. Every second I’m with you I feel inexplicably whole.”
She breathes in deeply as I reach down to capture her left hand.
“Marry me and be my sweet girl for the rest of our days.”
Her eyes fill with tears as she nods frantically yes.
She said yes.
Once the ring is resting perfectly on her left ring finger, she jumps into my arms and just like I always will, I catch her and crush my lips against hers.
I spin her around as she starts giggling against my mouth. Hearing the commotion Jen and Weston walk over to us. I set Elli down and she all but screams “We’re getting married!”
Weston claps me on the back and Jen squeals. Everything I never knew I wanted is standing right there, surrounded by our best friends. It feels so right.
Weston seems to be doing better and has been attending meetings to begin to sort through his PTSD. He was also able to get out of the Corps and is taking it day by day figuring out what he wants to do. I know it’s a long road but he knows now that my girl and I are here for him every step of the way. He even took it one step further and contacted his little brother, hoping that reaching out to his only family might help him make even more progress.
The noise of Elli and Jen loudly discussing wedding details is suddenly dwarfed by the deafening sound of a Harley coming down the street and stopping in the front of the house. Jen raises her eyebrows at Elli and I, while Weston’s posture snaps stiffly by the grill. My sweet girl comes to me and gives me a quick kiss then leaves to go answer the front door.
I look back at Weston and I can tell he’s nervous, this reunion is a long time coming for sure. It won’t be easy, but like I said, at least he has us to support him.
When my fiancé returns, she’s followed by a tall shadow, thick black beard covering most of his face, dark tattoos winding up his arms and sunglasses shading his eyes. Weston walks over and holds out his hand to his brother. “Sterling, been a long fucking time brother.” Sterling nods and shakes Weston’s outstretched hand. Elli melts into my side and I kiss the top of her head, happy to stand back and let these two get reacquainted.
Jen pipes up from behind us. “So who ordered the sex on a stick?”
The End
PTSD is not a light subject, and many people suffer from its effects everyday. If you or someone you know is suffering, I hope you will find some of these resources helpful.
http://www.22kill.com/veterans-in-need/
https://www.ptsd.va.gov
http://www.operationwearehere.com/PTSD.html
A Million Thank You’s
First I want to start out by recognizing and showing my appreciation for all of our Nation’s Active Duty and Veteran soldiers. Without you and your sacrifices I wouldn’t have the opportunities that I have been blessed with. I wish there were a gesture big enough to show how very appreciated you are, but I guess I can start here.
To my John, thank you so much for letting me write all this down. It was a crazy long ride and as much as you hate reading, you let me read and reread and tweak Quicksand until it was something we were both proud of. Every time I wanted to stop you gently nudged me to keep going, I hope I will always be a nudge for you too. I love you.
To my Twin, Janellie you are my creative outlet and possibly love Raid and Elli more than I do. You watched them go from an idea in the back of mind to the forefront of both of our lives. I love you for always being there cheering me on and making me believe I could actually do it.
To my Britney, girl we actually did it! Your encouragement and excitement made me want to publish just so we could squeal about it. Thank you for always supporting me.
To my rock, Jordan. I don’t know where you were all my life but you seriously came to me when I needed you most and I truly believe you are an angel. Thank you for being my book buddy, my release partner and for sharing in this crazy amazing thing we both did.
To the Ace in my back pocket, Kate babe, how did I ever survive without you? I have never known someone as kind and selfless as you and I really owe this entire book to you. Without your unending love and kindness Raid and Elli would just be mine forever. Because of you, they can be free to be everyone else’s. I love your heart, I love your mind. I just love you.
To Ellie, the real MVP. You took a chance on a newbie, you made me cry with your comments and you made Quicksand actually make sense. Thank you for being the most badass editor in the biz, I really adore you.
To my incredible parents. Mom, you made me want to make something of myself. You gave me every bit of your determination and grit which carried me this far and will always take me places. You are who I want to be when I grow up because you never give up, you never give in and you always keep going. I love you always. Dad, you always knew I had a writer’s soul and here we are, you never once let me forget to believe in the power my words have and you are always cheering me on and telling me I can. I can and I did. I love you forever.
Lastly and most importantly, to all of the readers that took a chance on Raid and Elli. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I hope you loved them as much as I do, it feels so weird to know that once you’ve reached this point you will have actually read something I wrote… Yay!
Feel free to stalk me at:
Facebook: www.facebook.com/dyllanjerikson
Instagram: @dyllanjerikson
Twitter: Dyllan_Erikson
Snapchat: Dyllanjennette
Email: [email protected]
Dyllan J. Erikson is a Pacific Northwest Native who loves to motor around the backroads of Oregon in her Mini Cooper. When she isn’t writing you can normally find her either watching reruns of CSI or reading a new book.
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