by Wood, Joss
Either way it would sting. Badly. Sort of the same way having your heart ripped out of your chest without anaesthetic would sting.
You’re thinking with your heart, Maddie, use your head.
The choice was still hers to make, she reassured herself. She could only get hurt if she thought she couldn’t live without his love. Could only feel disappointed if she let down more of her guard. If she allowed herself to fall in love she ran the risk of having her life ripped apart again.
Choice and consequences.
She could choose to not to let her feelings go any deeper, to walk away heart intact when she had to leave. She could step into this situation with her eyes wide open. There was no way she was walking away from him now—no chance that she could. But she could try to protect herself. She had to…
She could enter into an anti-relationship with herself.
I, Maddie Shaw, hereby give up all possibility of love, commitment or permanence with one Cale Grant. I will remember at all times that I will be leaving, and therefore will not be swept away into any romantic thoughts. In exchange for lots and lots of lovely sex, I pledge not to leave any personal items in his house, only to sleep every second or third night in his arms, and not to expect anything more from said Cale Grant except for mutual pleasure and occasional affection for as long as this might last.
It wasn’t a bad idea, Maddie mused. It had nothing to do with Cale and everything to do with her. She was making the right, the conscientious, the clever decision.
Apart from which it was the only decision she could make and keep her sanity.
Cale pulled a grey jersey over his head and watched as Maddie carefully folded the clothes she’d worn the night before and placed them in a neat little pile on the end of his bed.
‘Just toss them into the laundry basket. My housekeeper is due today,’ he suggested casually, and sighed when Maddie shook her head. He’d thought he was being considerate when he cleared out a drawer and made space for her toiletries in his bathroom cabinet, but every time she left she gathered up her possessions like a demented squirrel and took them with her.
‘Thanks, but I’ll take them home,’ Maddie said as she stepped into the bathroom. When she returned, carrying her toiletry bag, she had a big frown on her face.
‘Cale, have you seen my birth control pills?’
It had been her idea to go on the pill and he was grateful. He wanted nothing between them, and making love without latex was ridiculously wonderful.
‘In your bag?’ Cale suggested, nodding to her tote bag on the windowseat.
Cale shook his head when the large bag landed with a thunk on the bed. What was she carrying around in there? A portable office? Her own tent, chairs and crockery?
Cale sat on the bed next to her as she opened the long zip and peeked inside. He whistled, quite convinced that Maddie had the stuffed carcass of a zebra inside.
Maddie rooted around inside and bit her lip in frustration. ‘I can’t see them.’
‘Big surprise there,’ Cale said sarcastically. ‘Here, let me help.’
Cale took the bag and tipped it upside down.
‘Cale, you idiot!’ Maddie yelled.
Stuff—there was no other way to describe it—fell onto the bed and bounced away. Cale couldn’t believe that one woman could carry around so much. There was a thick swatch of fabric samples and a sewing kit. Hand lotion. Four different colour lipsticks and other assorted makeup. Chocolate. A tiny pair of scissors and a torch. Two pairs of stockings, still in their plastic. Wet wipes. A round brush and a normal brush. An empty bottle of aspirin, a folding umbrella, two pairs of sunglasses and a wallet. And a thin pack of pills.
Cale shook his head and handed Maddie her birth control pills.
‘Guys just don’t get it. When you’re doing events you need to be prepared. For anything,’ Maddie muttered, pulling a pill out of the packet and swallowing it. She scrabbled in the mess for a lip-gloss, which she immediately slicked over those pouty lips.
Cale looked away, tempted to kiss it all off again.
Maddie pointed a finger at him. ‘Put it back while I look for my phone.’
Maddie moved over to the chest of drawers that served as his dressing table and Cale was distracted by her truly excellent bottom covered in soft suede pants. He swallowed when Maddie bent over her overnight bag.
‘Bingo!’ Maddie called, and waved her phone in his direction.
‘Leave it here, Mad. All of it.’ Cale waved at her clothes and her toiletry bag. ‘It’s stupid carrying this stuff back and forward.’
Did she think that some drawer space and leaving the occasional piece of clothing constituted a relationship? That he’d forget for one moment she’d be walking out of his life some time in the near future?
‘I can’t.’ Maddie dropped her head, still crouched in front of her bag. ‘When I have to go, I don’t want to have to look for stuff I’ve left. I don’t want to settle in… It’ll make it harder to leave.’
Maddie’s mobile rang, and Cale stood up and walked over to the windowseat and stared hard out to sea.
It was more than the fact that she never even left her toothbrush in the holder or her hairbrush on the credenza. Her actions reinforced the feeling that she was keeping a part of herself back from him. Intellectually he understood her need to protect herself, but he didn’t like it.
He didn’t like it at all.
After a lengthy run and a shower, Cale unpacked the groceries he’d bought for the weekend. Having two comprehensively undomesticated guests in his house, he knew that if he wanted food he’d have to buy it. And unpack it. And cook it.
Alex, his other transient guest—courtesy of a burst geyser flooding his home—sat at the kitchen table, his attention on the finance section of the newspaper.
‘When are you going home?’ Cale asked, just because he could. He loved having Alex living with him, but the brother code stated that he had to give him a hard time.
‘A week or so.’ Alex sipped his coffee, his eyes on the paper. ‘Why? Am I cramping your style?’
‘I have no style to cramp.’ Cale shoved the bottles of wine he’d bought into the wine rack and cocked his head at the sound of Maddie’s Jag roaring up the driveway. ‘You are, however, cramping Maddie’s. How is she supposed to cook naked in the kitchen with you around?’
Alex laughed. ‘And that’s why they call it a fantasy. Maddie doesn’t cook.’
‘Tell me about it,’ Cale muttered. ‘Trust me to be involved with a woman whose only link to domesticity is that she lives in a house.’
‘Cale? I’m home!’ Maddie called from the hall.
‘We’re in the kitchen,’ Cale called back, smacking Alex on the back of the head just because he was older and he could.
‘Hi, boys.’ Maddie stepped through the doorway, unravelling her scarf and draping it over a kitchen chair.
Alex waved his apple in the air and Cale stepped forward to kiss her hello. ‘Hi.’
Maddie briefly touched his cheek with her cold fingers. ‘Hi, back. How was your day?’
Cale deepened the kiss even as he reached out to snag Alex’s arm and lift him out of his chair.
‘Hey! Ow!’
Cale broke the kiss to send Alex an evil look. ‘Get out of my kitchen… Go irritate Megan.’
Alex grinned and tossed his apple core in the dustbin. ‘Yeah, okay. She’s a better cook than you, anyway. Later, Mad.’
Cale took some wineglasses out of the cupboard and from the corner of his eye watched Maddie unbutton her thigh-length navy coat. She looked ill at ease and irritated, and he wondered how long it would take for her to spit out whatever was bothering her. He opened a bottle of Merlot and dashed some into a glass.
‘Get that into you. You look like you need it. Rough day?’
Maddie shook her head. ‘Not really.’ She took a sip of wine and pulled out a kitchen chair. ‘Long. The race is coming along nicely. We’re way ahead of schedule. The charity d
inner dance is sold out and we’ve raised quite a bit of money already.’
‘That’s great, sport.’ Cale sat opposite her and put his feet up on the seat Alex had been using. ‘And?’
Maddie didn’t meet his eyes, which was always a bad sign. ‘Sorry?’
‘What aren’t you telling me?’
Why did she still think she could hide things from him? He could read the smallest nuances when it came to her expressions.
Maddie tapped her nails against the glass. ‘I’m flying to Durban tomorrow, to attend a gala dinner being held by the PR Association. The company is up for an award for strategic and innovative use of public relations to drive coverage of a brand.’
‘And why aren’t Jens and Harriet going?’
‘They are. Jake was supposed to go, but he’s really sick so I have to go in his place.’
The thought of not seeing her for half the weekend rankled. Especially since they didn’t have that much time left.
‘Do you want company?’ Cale asked. ‘Why don’t we see if we can pick up a late flight tonight and stay the weekend?’
Maddie perked up at this suggestion. ‘That sounds great. Except that you’ll be alone on Saturday night.’
‘I’m sure I can find something to do for a couple of hours,’ Cale told her. ‘I’ll go see a movie.’
‘You sure?’ Maddie asked him, hesitant. ‘If we get a flight tonight maybe we can hire some boards and surf in the morning. The sea is wonderfully warm in Durban, even in winter, and maybe I’ll get you to stand up.’
‘Maybe.’ Cale smiled. ‘So, should I go online and see if I can book flights?’
‘Thanks.’ Maddie stared down at her wine.
Cale cleared his throat and started to speak. Maddie shook her curls, lifted her hand and refused to look at him.
‘Don’t push, Cale. I’m not ready to talk to you about it just yet.’
Cale stood up and walked around the table. He dropped a kiss on her head, instinctively knowing that she’d had news from the States and had put plans in place. But he’d respect her right to choose the time when she wanted to tell him what they were.
He couldn’t ask her to stay and he couldn’t ask her not to go. Frustrated, he walked out of the kitchen to his study, dropped into the chair behind his desk and stared, unseeing, at the bright screen of his computer monitor. He knew what Maddie wasn’t ready to tell him. It was written all over her face. She was heading for that interview in New York, and soon.
Cale shoved his hands into his hair and tugged. He understood that it was a once in a lifetime opportunity for Maddie, and that logically she really had to go. He couldn’t suggest a good enough reason to stay, wasn’t able to offer her stability or a future.
Permanence, love, commitment. To offer her that he had to believe in all or any of them. He didn’t. And he liked the lack of responsibility that being single gave him. He’d always been half of a couple, and Oliver had been more demanding than any wife or girlfriend could ever be.
Not that Maddie was demanding… She paid her own way, made her own decisions and ran her own life. He’d never have to pay off her credit card or help her in a bar fight, but when you made any sort of emotional connection, became involved with someone, you did take on some obligations.
What if she’d been badly hurt in that car accident and she’d had only him to rely on? Would he have been happy to step up to the plate and do what needed to be done for her? What if she wanted kids one day and wanted to jack in her job and stay at home? Would he be able to cope with that and not feel resentful?
He didn’t know. Until he did he had no right to ask anything from her.
If only he didn’t like the freedom of not being emotionally, financially or physically responsible for someone else quite so much.
So, back to Maddie and New York. What if she got the job? To Maddie it would be a wonderful excuse to throw herself into work without the distraction of a lover getting in the way. She’d cope with the workload and the lack of friends for a couple of months and then she’d fall apart—because she was inherently a warm, sociable person and she needed the interaction of people who loved her. She wouldn’t have a Laughing Queen in New York—a place with people who adored her for her to run to, where she could bitch and vent and cry if she needed to. She wouldn’t have a best friend who was on the other end of a mobile with a margarita to steer her in the right direction.
She wouldn’t have him to make her smell the roses.
So, here he was, stuck between the devil and the deep blue sea. He couldn’t ask her to stay and offer nothing in return, and he couldn’t encourage her to go because he knew that wasn’t right for her either.
So basically there was nothing he could do except relish the time he had with her.
His fingers flew over the keyboard as he planned a weekend that they’d always remember.
Cale joined Maddie on the veranda forty-five minutes later and, dressed only in a sweater and jeans, stood in front of her, burrowing his arms beneath her coat to keep warm.
‘Chilly.’
‘Freezing,’ Maddie agreed, and stared out over the deck.
Although the sun had set an hour before, she could still see the sea in the dusky half-light and watched the lights of the houses up and down the coast. It was a clear night but cold, and the icy polar wind tossed her hair around her face.
‘I received the e-mail at lunchtime—a formal invitation to attend an interview in Manhattan. They’ll pay half of my air fare and wanted to know when I could be there.’
‘Go on.’
Maddie shrugged. ‘I juggled. I’m taking a week’s leave and I’ve booked a flight the morning after the charity ball. A week will give me time to look into accommodation, orientate myself, have the interview… consider my options.’
‘When will you be back?’
‘The following Sunday. If I’m offered the position I’ll resign immediately. Harriet won’t want me around, so I’ll be able to work on the race pretty much full-time.’
As soon as that was wound up she’d fly out and start a new chapter in her life.
Maddie rested her forehead on Cale’s chest. How would she cope with never seeing this view again? Never standing in this exact spot drinking wine and listening to the rumble of the sea? How could she not wake up to Cale’s warm arms wrapped around her, their gentle argument about whose turn it was to make coffee? Or not be woken up with a sweaty kiss after he’d been for a run on the beach?
How was she supposed to pack up and move on when this period of her life had been so intense, so life-changing?
Maddie felt warm tears roll down her face and prayed that Cale wouldn’t notice. She didn’t know if she had the strength not to tell him that if he asked her to stay she would. Without a moment’s hesitation.
But if he didn’t—and she knew he wouldn’t—then she knew that she had no choice but to go. She couldn’t cope with living in the same city, knowing that she was breathing the same air, looking at the same sea, with just a mountain separating them. A mountain and the knowledge that she wanted more from him than he was prepared to give.
She hadn’t broken but shattered her contract with herself… How could she start to defend herself?
I, Maddie Shaw, tried really hard to give up the possibility of love, commitment or permanence with one Cale Grant, but what I’m feeling is bigger than my common sense, my self-preservation and my intellect. My heart has overruled my head and he is the first and only man who’s touched my soul. I don’t want a lot from him. I just want everything.
CHAPTER TWELVE
MADDIE tucked her hired surfboard under her arm and laughed as they hit the warm Indian Ocean. Durban in winter, she thought, lifting her face up to the hot mid-morning sun. The world’s best kept secret. The sun was hot but there was no humidity, and the water was so warm that they’d both chosen to forgo wetsuits. She wore a fluorescent pink bikini top and navy boardshorts, and Cale made her mouth water dressed simply
in a pair of plain black boardshorts.
Maddie stopped when the water lapped her mid-thigh and looked at the surf. Cale should be able to manage the two-foot waves, she thought. She’d give him an hour and then head for the back line, where the waves were pumping. She tasted excitement at the back of her throat… Could she have asked for a nicer day?
Cale, on his stomach, long body stretched out on his board, pulled himself past her. ‘Hey, where are you going?’
‘Back line!’ he shouted back, a broad grin on his face.
‘You’re not nearly ready for the back line! Get back here!’
‘I’ll just hang out there and watch you until you’re done,’ Cale called.
Maddie shrugged, not prepared to argue. She looked at a breaking wave as she rocked over a swell. She couldn’t wait… Year-round surfing was just another thing she’d have to give up if she went to the States.
Maddie pulled up alongside Cale and straddled her board, reaching out to grab his bare shoulder. She leaned forward and met his lips with hers.
‘Thanks.’
‘Pleasure.’ Cale ran a hand down her shoulder and arm and squeezed her fingers. ‘You look seriously hot in that colour.’
Maddie pushed her wet plait over her shoulder. ‘I thought you would’ve had enough of me by now. Once last night and twice this morning.’
‘We had to test that four-poster bed,’ Cale told her. ‘It passes muster.’
‘Did we have to test the shower and the floor too?’ Maddie teased.
‘Absolutely. I wanted to see if the room lived up to its claim of being the most romantic room in the city. Tonight we’ll test the Jacuzzi.’
‘There’s a deal,’ Maddie told him, her eyes on the ocean. ‘God, look at that swell. That’s mine!’
She hopped up on the board and caught the swell at the right moment, crouching to ride down its face. Soon she was flying on its power, the warm ocean playfully splashing her face, her board skimming the water. The wave ran out of power close to the beach and she lifted her arms in jubilant pleasure as she slid off the board.
