Campbell's Redemption

by Sharon Cullen

  Iain’s lips twitched. “I’m certain both grandfathers were furious.”

  She grinned back. “Furious does no’ come close to what they felt.”

  “John was a brave man to suffer the wrath of those two.” Iain shook his head. “I just came from a meeting with them and I’m not certain I left in one piece.”

  “Rory told me. Was the outcome what ye hoped for?”

  “MacGregor admitted to stealing my cattle and burning my land, and he agreed to stop. Graham made him repay me in winter feed. MacGregor wasn’t happy, but I feel it’s fair compensation for the field I lost.”

  “I’m not at all surprised that he was the one stealing the cattle, but I’m surprised and disappointed that he burned yer land.”

  “He said he didn’t mean for it to burn out of control. I believe him.”

  “Ye’re more forgiving than I would have been.”

  “When was the last time you saw him, Cait?”

  “The night he told me I was no longer welcome in his home.”

  “He’s still angry, but I think he has regrets.”

  She raised a disbelieving brow. “Did he tell you that?”

  “Not in so many words.”

  She shrugged. “It’s too late.”

  “Don’t be like them, Cait. Don’t wake up one day with regrets.”

  She was aware that she was being as stubborn as her grandfathers, but they’d hurt her too much.

  “I’ve not eaten all day,” he said. “I rode straight here from my meeting.”

  She tilted her head and grinned. “Do ye think this is a pub, Iain Campbell?”

  He grinned back. “I’m hoping for the good graces of the owner of this lovely cottage.”

  “Well, I canno’ disappoint ye then, can I? Come in and I will feed that growling belly of yers.”

  Black Cat glowered at Iain before bolting under the settee.

  “Do you have…visitors?” Iain whispered.

  “Nay. Not since the last batch.” She fixed him a plate of smoked haddock, fresh bread, and cheese and poured him a mug of ale, then sat across from him to watch him eat.

  “How is that going?” he asked, waving his hand toward the far corner as he chewed.

  “Sutherland seems overwhelmed and tired. He’d hoped that the flow would have lessened to a trickle by now, but there seems to be more than ever.”

  “Damn English,” Iain said between bites.

  “It’s strange to hear ye say that,” she said. “As someone everyone believes is an English sympathizer.”

  He chewed and swallowed, and she was surprised to see that his plate was almost empty. “My beliefs are complicated and not as clear as most.”

  She ate a piece of cheese from his plate, waiting for him to continue. He tilted his chair back and cradled his mug of ale between his hands.

  “I think English rule would benefit Scotland, but I think England is going about it all wrong.”

  “That thought alone could earn ye powerful enemies,” she said, thinking of her MacGregor grandfather.

  “It already has.”

  “How can ye even think English rule will benefit Scotland?”

  “The English empire is far-reaching and very powerful. Imagine what that could do for Scotland. We’d have access to education that was previously closed to us. Finance, job opportunities, maybe even a better way of life. It could all be ours because we would have the backing of England.”

  “But what about Scotland? Do we disappear and become another England?”

  “That’s where compromise must come into play. I’d like to see Scotland take advantage of all that England has to offer without losing its identity. Right now England wants to dominate us because we dared to fight back. I’m hoping that in time things will settle down and tempers will cool on both sides, but the Scottish are a fierce, stubborn people.”

  Cait laughed. “Ye only have to look at my two grandfathers to know that.”

  Iain grinned. “Now imagine a whole country made of people like them. Or half a country. The Highlands are against the English far more than the Lowlands. The people of the Lowlands understand the advantages of allying with England. The Highlanders need to bend a bit.”

  Cait could not imagine the Scottish Highlanders bending—especially to the English. “I think ye’re fighting a losing battle.”

  “I know it would take an act of God for some of the chiefs to see my side, but I truly believe it’s the best way. English rule is inevitable. If we behave in a civil way, maybe England will agree to some concessions. Unfortunately, some of the chiefs refuse to act civilly.”

  “Maybe because they don’t know how. All they know is fighting. Feuds are common, and as ye know, they can last for generations.”

  “That wasn’t my feud,” he said. “That was MacGregor being stubborn and refusing to let the past stay in the past.”

  “So this is really just a feud that’s taking place between two countries instead of two clans.”

  “Yes!” He plopped back down on the front two legs of the chair and appeared pleased that she understood. “That’s exactly right. But the consequences are far more dire.”

  She nabbed another piece of cheese and ate it. “How so?”

  “I’ve heard some disturbing things.”

  His grave expression put her on edge. “Such as?”

  He shook his head. “I’m just afraid that if Scotland doesn’t come to her senses, then our whole way of life will change.”

  Cait looked down at the empty plate and suppressed a shiver of foreboding. She thought of her conversation with Halloway about the clan system dissolving. Surely both men were being overly pessimistic. England and Scotland had been at odds for years. Battles broke out, things settled down until the next battle. It had been that way forever.

  Iain leaned forward and kissed her. Startled, Cait drew away, and he settled back in his seat. “I’ve been wanting to do that since we sat down.”

  “Have ye?” Her lips tingled.

  “I’ve missed you, Cait. I don’t think I had the opportunity to tell you how much I enjoyed our afternoon together.”

  She looked down at the cracks in the wooden table. She’d made love to three men in her life. It wasn’t like she was a young virgin who had no idea what to do. There was no reason to be embarrassed, yet she was.

  “Cait?”

  Iain was watching her with an intensity that made her squirm from a need that came upon her so suddenly that she was almost dizzy with it. She could practically read the memories in those dark eyes of his, and it was making her body heat up.

  “Did you enjoy yourself the other day?”

  “Oh, yes,” she breathed, causing him to laugh.

  “You undo me, Cait Campbell.”

  For once he wasn’t hiding his emotions. Naked desire was written all over his face.

  “I’ve missed you,” he said. “And not just for that.”

  “Iain…” Though she didn’t know what she was about to say, she wanted to stop his words. She’d had the same thoughts, but they frightened her. She didn’t want a relationship like that with him.

  He leaned forward to put his hand over hers. Her fingers twitched but she didn’t pull away.

  “What are you thinking?” he asked.

  “That ye frighten me.”

  “My intention was never to frighten you.”

  “I’m not frightened that ye’ll do me bodily harm. Just that ye’ll do my heart harm.”

  He contemplated her for a long moment. “Are you saying that your feelings for me are so strong that they frighten you? Are you afraid I’ll turn your life upside down and change everything that makes you comfortable?”

  “Please, Iain. We can’t go there.”

  “Why?”

  “Because this is my home. This is where I’m comfortable.”

  He contemplated her. He was always thinking, always planning, always one step ahead of everyone, and that put her on edge.

  “W
hat are ye thinking?” she asked warily.

  “That I’m glad I make you uneasy.”

  “That’s no’ a very nice thing to want to do to someone.”

  “You’re hiding out here in your little cottage on the edge of nowhere.”

  “We’ve been through this before. I am no’ hiding.”

  “You’ve been hurt by everyone who ever loved you. Your mother died while giving birth to you. Your father couldn’t live without her, so he killed himself. Your grandfathers turned you away. Your husband and child died.”

  She stood quickly, her heart hammering so hard that it was making her sick. “Enough!”

  “No.”

  “I want ye to leave now.”

  “No.”

  “What do ye mean, no?”

  “You’re not forcing me out again, and you’re not hiding anymore.”

  “Ye keep saying that. Just because I like it here does no’ mean I’m hiding. I have a steady stream of people needing my healing and shelter. Some weeks not a day goes by that I’m alone. So ye don’t know what ye speak of, Iain Campbell, and I’ll thank ye to keep yer gob shut.” She drew in a deep breath to calm her racing heart. She so badly wanted to run away, but she knew that was the panic beating at her insides.

  “I will admit that you do a lot of good out here with your healing and your…nocturnal activities. You’re strategically placed for many clans. I’ve never had a problem sharing my healer with anyone.”

  “Your healer?” Her mouth opened and closed like a damn fish. “Ye don’t own me. Ye don’t share me.”

  “You’re a Campbell, are you not?”

  “Nay. Aye.” Oh, he was infuriating. “But ye don’t own me.”

  “Are you or are you not a Campbell?”

  “I am. But that doesn’t mean anything.”

  He leaned forward. “It means everything. Everything. You are a Campbell. You belong with the Campbells, and everyone accepts you as a Campbell.”

  “I see what ye’re doing, and it’s no’ going to work.” He was telling her that she was accepted and there were people who would love her just because she was a member of the clan.

  “What am I doing?”

  “Ye don’t understand that some people just want to live their life alone. Ye stick yer nose in everything. Ye even stick yer nose in Scotland and England’s affairs. Like ye’re some…some…great king who has the answers for everyone. Well, ye’re not a great king. Ye’re just a busybody.”

  She crossed her arms to punctuate her point, but his words had cut deep and she wondered if he was right. Did she hide out here? Of course not. She sometimes ventured closer to the big house. She spoke to the people she purchased meat and cheese from. She enjoyed talking to the merchants she dealt with, and she conversed at length with her patients. And what about Sutherland? She talked to Sutherland all the time.

  Then she remembered Ina on the night of the fire and how difficult and awkward it had been to hold a conversation with the woman who once was her best friend. Was she such a recluse that she’d forgotten how to converse?

  Certainly not.

  She simply had nothing in common with Ina, who still had a husband and several children, while Cait had—

  “I had an affair with Cormac,” she spat out.

  Chapter 21

  Horrified, Cait covered her mouth and stared at Iain with wide, shocked eyes. He tried to tamp down the burst of jealousy that whipped through him, but it was damned difficult to think of Cait with another man.

  Iain had known Cormac well. He’d been a gentle giant, and if Iain had wanted Cait to sleep with anyone, Cormac would have been his choice. And then the implications of her announcement hit him. Hell, even Cormac had left her through death.

  She lowered her hand and straightened her shoulders, her expression adorably defiant, as if she were a little girl found with a pocketful of scones. “This is a ridiculous conversation. I don’t have to prove anything to ye. If ye don’t want me living on yer land, I’ll live on Sutherland land. He’ll have me.”

  Tears were shimmering in her deep green eyes, and he despised himself for forcing her to face the truth, but he knew better than anyone that she couldn’t move forward if she didn’t face her past.

  And by moving forward, he meant accepting him as her lover and maybe more.

  Yes, he was being selfish.

  And no, he didn’t care.

  He felt like everything was on the line. His entire future rested on this conversation, trite as it may be. “You keep telling me that Sutherland will take you in, but you never say why you haven’t accepted his offer.”

  She blinked. “There’s been no reason to. Until now.”

  “So do it.” He didn’t want her to leave, but he wanted to know why she didn’t want to leave.

  “Ye’re a bastard. Ye said ye have feelings for me, but ye’re surely no’ acting like it.”

  “Do you think so? Do you think I’m saying these things because I like to be a bloody bastard? No, Cait. I’m saying them because I do have feelings for you. Because it’s time you faced your fears.”

  “I have no fears.”

  “I disagree.”

  She visibly bristled and her face turned red. “Do ye want me to say it? Aye, I lost my grandparents when I married John, but it was worth it. John was everything to me, and while the Grahams and the MacGregors made my life as happy as they could, John made me feel joy for the first time in my life. Every day was joyful with him. We had…” She swallowed. “We had Christina and…she was perfect. And…”

  Her voice trembled and her hands were shaking and Iain wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and tell her that she didn’t need to continue, but he stayed where he was and endured her pain as if it were his own, though he wasn’t foolish enough to think he could feel the depth of grief that she was feeling.

  “And then she died.” Her voice broke again and she cleared her throat. A lone tear traveled down her cheek. “But I still had John, and we grieved together, and her death…it brought us closer together.” She blinked, and the tears that had been tenaciously clinging to her lashes broke loose and raced down her cheeks.

  “And then John died,” Iain said.

  She looked up at the ceiling and blinked rapidly, but the tears refused to stop. Her cheeks and chin were wet. “And then John died,” she whispered brokenly.

  “And you moved out here and convinced yourself that your life was fine.”

  “It was,” she said softly. “It was good. It was what I needed. I liked taking care of myself and not relying on anyone else.”

  “You liked that people couldn’t come into your life and leave again.”

  She lowered her gaze to look at him, and he almost winced at the raw pain there. There was also something else, a determination and strength that he’d always admired about her.

  “After a time I had Cormac. He filled the loneliness, and it was nice because he left me to live my life the way I wanted to live it.”

  “Unlike me.”

  “I don’t want a relationship, Iain. I know ye think I’m living my life all wrong, but it’s my life and I like it. I’m no’ opposed to ye coming now and again and having an afternoon like the one we had the other day, but I don’t want more than that.”

  “I do.” He tamped down on his irritation at her stubbornness. Didn’t she see how much she had to offer?

  She looked at him sadly. “Then I’m no’ what ye’re looking for.”

  “Yes, you are. You can’t or won’t see it, but you are.”

  “Stop pushing me!” she cried out. “What are ye trying to prove? That I’ve run to the edge of nowhere to be alone? Aye, I did. That everyone I’ve ever loved has either left me or died? Aye, they did. That I’m condemning myself and apparently ye by not opening myself up to loss? Of course!” She paced away from him. “What would you do, Iain Campbell?”

  “I don’t know.”

  She spun back to him and pointed at him. “Exactly
. Ye have no idea what ye would do, and ye have no right to cast judgment on me.”

  “Oh, Cait,” he said softly. “I’m not casting judgment. I’m just saying that it’s time to stop hiding and live again. You’re too young to have given up on life.”

  “I’m living. I’m fighting England in my own way. I’m healing those who come to me for help.”

  “I’m not talking about fighting England or saving people, whether it be through your medicine or Sutherland. I’m talking about opening your heart. I’m talking about letting someone past the barriers you’ve erected.”

  Her bosom heaved as if she were running for her life. Her mind certainly seemed to be running from everything he was throwing at her. Maybe she was correct. Maybe it wasn’t any of his business and he had no right to intrude on the life she’d created after the tragedy of losing everything.

  He couldn’t accept that. He couldn’t accept that she was truly happy cutting herself off from everyone.

  “That’s something coming from ye,” she said coldly.

  “Oh?”

  “Aye, oh! Ye say that I’m the one who has erected barriers? What about ye? Ye’ve perfected the art of hiding yer feelings. No one can slide past that cold look.”

  “I’ll admit that I wall myself off as well.” His reasons were different. He did it to survive. “And I’m lonely because of it. There are few people I trust and even fewer people I can be myself with. I trust you, Cait.”

  “Ye’re no’ putting that on me. I didn’t ask for yer trust.”

  “Nevertheless, you have it.”

  She held her hand out to stop him. “I don’t want that.”

  He was losing this battle. Possibly he was losing the war. That caused him to panic. He didn’t want to lose her, and more than that, he didn’t want her giving up on life any longer.

  “That’s life, Cait. You don’t think I’ve suffered loss? I’ve lost my parents, too. And I lost John. Life is horrible and wonderful, and in between the horrible and the wonderful is the mundane, which is wonderful in its own right. It’s called life, and it’s endless, and it batters you, and when the storm is over, the sun comes up and everything is bathed in light and goodness and laughter again.”