Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes

by Barry Dougherty

  With considerable difficulty, Mike managed to get her into the backseat of the car and then into a wheelchair at the county hospital, where she was wheeled into a room and maneuvered, on her knees, onto an examining table. At this point the resident entered and surveyed the scene.

  “What do you think, Doc?” asked the nervous husband.

  “Nice, very nice,” he commented, stroking his chin. “But why the cheap frame?”

  Two very elegantly dressed people are dancing. During a waltz the woman’s necklace comes undone and falls down into her evening gown. Still dancing, she tries to wriggle about to make the necklace fall to the floor, but it winds up caught on something inside the back of her dress. She asks her partner to get it for her.

  “How do you propose I do that?” he asks her.

  “Just put your hand down the back of my dress and pluck it out,” she instructs him.

  They dance around a bit more, all the other couples watching, as he puts his hand down the back of her dress and fishes around. Embarrassed, he says, “I feel the perfect ass.”

  “Never mind the compliments,” she says, “just find the necklace.”

  —CARY GRANT

  An hour after checking into the motel, the traveling salesman stormed up to the front desk. “What kind of chickenshit joint are you running?” he demanded.

  “What’s the problem, sir?” stammered the confused desk clerk.

  “I went up to my room, unlocked the door, and there was a man holding a gun,” blustered the irate guest. “He told me to get on my knees and give him a blow job or he’d blast my brains all over the room.”

  “Oh my God,” gasped the clerk, shocked and embarrassed. “What did you do?”

  The salesman screamed, “Well, you didn’t hear any shots, did you?”

  A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts that are on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

  As they’re leaving, the friend says, “Thanks for the peanuts.”

  The grandmother says, “Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off ’em.”

  Enemies

  When my enemies stop hissing, I shall know I’m slipping.

  —MARIA CALLAS

  A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

  —OSCAR WILDE

  I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding, because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

  —MARGARET THATCHER

  During the Indian Wars, a cavalry brigade led a charge against a tribe of Cheyenne warriors, completely decimating the Indians. At the end, the only one left alive was the Indian chief. “Since you fought so bravely,” said the cavalry officer, “I’m going to spare your life.”

  Just as the chief was trying to find words to express his gratitude, over the hill came a mess of Indians, who completely wiped out the cavalry brigade. The only survivor was the officer, to whom the Indian said, “I’m not going to be as generous as you were—you’re going to die. But you can have three wishes before I kill you.”

  The officer nodded, thought for a minute, and said, “I’d like to see my horse.” The horse was brought around, the officer whispered in its ear, and the horse tore off, only to return in an hour or so with a luscious blond on its back.

  “Please feel free to make use of my teepee,” offered the chief tactfully. When the officer emerged some time later, the chief asked about his second wish.

  “I’d like to see my horse.” Again the horse received a whispered command and galloped off, this time returning with a lovely redhead. Again the chief gestured graciously toward his teepee, and again waited an appropriate amount of time before inquiring as to his prisoner’s last wish.

  “I’d like to see my horse.” This time when the horse was led up to him, the officer grasped its bridle firmly, pinched its lips with his other hand, and whispered fiercely, “Watch my lips—I said posse.”

  Love your enemy—it’ll drive him nuts.

  He hasn’t an enemy in the world—but all his friends hate him.

  —EDDIE CANTOR

  A Chinese man was having a quiet drink when a Jewish guy came over and slugged him so hard, he fell off the bar stool. “Wha . . . what the hell was that for?” asked the poor guy, pulling himself upright.

  “That was for Pearl Harbor.”

  “But I’m not Japanese, I’m Chinese,” he said.

  “Japanese, Chinese, they’re all the same to me,” snorted the aggressor, and returned to his beer.

  A few minutes later, the Chinese man went over and slammed the first guy headfirst into the bar. “Watching him stagger to his feet, he explained calmly, “That was for the Titanic.”

  “The Titanic?” Dazed and bewildered, the Jew protested, “The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.”

  “Iceberg, Goldberg, they’re all the same to me,” explained the Chinese man.

  The American pilot finally downed the Messerschmidt, but was so impressed with the German’s flying skill that he went to visit him in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the American asked if he could do anything for him.

  The soldier admitted that he did have a favor to ask. “The leg they amputated . . . on your next bombing run, could you drop it over the fatherland?”

  “Sure, pal.” It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back to tell him the mission had been carried out. The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. “The other leg got very bad—they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland? It would mean a great deal to me.”

  The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job was done. “Many thanks,” whispered the downed soldier, now ashen-faced and unable to lift his head from the pillow. “I have just one final request. Last night they had to amputate my right arm—”

  “Now hang on just a darn minute,” interrupted the American angrily. “Are you trying to escape?”

  I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

  —ZSA ZSA GABOR

  I bring out the worst in my enemies and that’s how I get them to defeat themselves.

  —ROY COHN

  A man was walking down a narrow lane in Belfast, Northern Ireland, when a shadowy figure jumped out and blocked his way with a machine gun.

  “Don’t move!” he commanded. “Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?”

  “Neither,” gasped the fellow in relief. “I’m Jewish.”

  The gunman hit him with a burst of bullets, and smiled broadly as he said to himself, “I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland tonight.”

  “Well,” snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private, “I suppose after you get discharged from the army, you’ll be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave.”

  “Not me, Sarge!” the private replied. “After I get out of the army, I ain’t never going to stand in line again!”

  Ethics

  The contractor wanted to give the government official a sports car. The official objected, saying, “Sir, common decency and my basic sense of honor would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”

  The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”

  The official thought for a moment and said, “In that case, I’ll take two.”

  —JOEY ADAMS

  It’s said that George Bernard Shaw was seated at dinner one night next to an attractive woman. “Madam,” he asked boldly, “would you go to bed with me for a thousand pounds?”

  The woman blushed scarlet and shook her head sharply.

  “For ten thousand pounds?” the eminent man pursued.

  “I would not,” she declared.

  “Then how about the sum of fifty thousand pounds?”

 
The colossal sum gave the woman pause. After some reflection, she replied coyly, “Perhaps.”

  “And if I were to offer you five pounds?”

  “Mr. Shaw!” The woman was shocked. “What do you take me for?”

  “We have already determined what you are,” he pointed out calmly. “Now we are merely haggling over the price.”

  With one look at his voluptuous new patient, all the gynecologist’s professional ethics went right out the window. Instructing her to undress completely, he began to stroke the soft skin of her inner thigh. “Do you know what I’m doing?” he asked softly.

  “Checking for any dermatological abnormalities, right?”

  “Right,” crooned the doctor, beginning to fondle her breasts and gently pinch her nipples. “And now?”

  “Looking for any lumps that might be cancerous.”

  “Right you are,” reassured the doctor, placing her feet in the stirrups, pulling out his cock, and entering her. “And do you know what I’m doing now?”

  “Yup,” she said, looking down. “Catching herpes.”

  A traveling vaudeville troupe visited a small town. While at their hotel, a man visited them and said he was the town’s self-appointed morals keeper. He’d heard that the troupe used dirty jokes in their act. The troupe’s manager assured him that they didn’t. The man then said he’d be sitting in the first row with his wife, and if he heard any dirty language, he’d shut down the show.

  That night, the star of the show came out with a co-star and they began their act. “Say, do you know what the best part of a woman is?” asked the star.

  “No,” replied the co-star, “what is the best part of a woman?”

  The man in the first row leaped to his feet and declared firmly, “If he says ‘cunt’ I’m stopping the show.”

  —CHARLES COBURN

  A key part of candidate Decker’s reform program was the elimination of the X-rated video stores springing up on Main Street. As she stood before the crowd, her face grew red with anger at the very thought of this threat to public decency and morals. “I actually rented one of these filthy cassettes,” she declared boldly, “and was disgusted to witness horrible acts of perversion: sodomy, oral sex, one man engaging in the sex act with three women, a woman accommodating four men, even sex with a dog! Vote for Lynn Decker, ladies and gentlemen, and I guarantee this blight on our community will be eliminated!” Catching her breath, she asked, “Any questions?”

  Twelve hands shot up. “Where’d you get the tape?”

  Ethnic Specials

  A little Jewish guy is at a urinal in the men’s room when a big black guy runs in, whips it out, and starts doing his business in the urinal next to him.

  The black guy says, “Just made it.”

  The little guy says, “Can you make me one in white?”

  —JAN MURRAY

  What do Jewish women make for dinner?

  Reservations.

  A Russian, a Jamaican, an American, and a Mexican were on a rafting expedition together. Mid river, the Russian pulled out a huge bottle of Stolichnaya, took a swig, and threw it overboard.

  “Hey, what the hell’d you do that for?” blurted out the American.

  “We have so much vodka in Russia that we can afford to waste it,” explained the Russian cheerfully.

  A few miles downstream the Jamaican took out a huge bag full of marijuana, rolled a giant joint, took a few puffs, and tossed it overboard.

  “Jesus, that stuff’s expensive,” bellowed the American. “What’d you do that for?”

  “In Jamaica, weed grows everywhere, mon,” said the Jamaican with a grin. “We can afford to waste it.”

  Thinking hard, the American suddenly smiled at the Mexican. “Don’t even think about it,” the Mexican said.

  Three crews were competing for a contract with the telephone company. In order to select the most qualified, the phone company instructed each crew to go out and see how many telephone poles they could erect in one day.

  At the end of the day the Jewish crew reported thirty-five poles to the phone company official, who was obviously impressed.

  “Good, but not good enough,” he told the Italians, who had installed thirty-two. “Well?” he asked, turning to the Iranian crew.

  “Two,” said the foreman proudly.

  “So why are you so proud of yourself? Those guys did thirty-five and those did thirty-two,” he said, pointing to the other crews.

  “Yeah,” said the Iranian foreman, “but look how much they left sticking out of the ground.”

  Definition of a WASP:

  Someone who thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

  How can you tell where Amish people live in Appalachia?

  They have a dead horse up on blocks in the front yard.

  I was in the bar the other day and heard two guys speaking Iranian. I said to them, “Why are you speaking Iranian? You’re in America now, speak Spanish.”

  —MILTON BERLE

  Jewish foreplay is three hours of begging.

  Italian foreplay is “Maria, I’m home.”

  —MILTON BERLE

  Why do Polish names end in “ski”?

  They don’t know how to spell “toboggan.”

  Three guys were up on the roof of the apartment building on a hot summer day.

  “Man, you should check this out,” said one of the guys to the other, stepping up onto the parapet. “The wind really whips off the river around this building. Look.” And he jumped off into space, plummeting for a few stories, then catching an updraft and floating gracefully to the sidewalk below like an autumn leaf.

  Watching the maneuver in astonishment, one guy gasped in admiration. Then, crossing himself, he took a flying leap off the building, only to splatter onto the street a few seconds later.

  Surveying the gruesome spectacle, the other guy ruefully shook his head. “That Clark Kent, give him a few drinks and he goes crazy.”

  How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

  The Amish don’t have lightbulbs. They bake pies.

  Did you hear about the Jewish good luck charm? It’s a rabbi’s foot.

  —MILTON BERLE

  A farmer on a kibbutz was talking to a Texan. The Texan says, “How big is your farm?”

  “Well,” he says, “it’s two hundred feet by three hundred feet. How big is your ranch?”

  The Texan says, “I could get in my car and drive from sunrise to sunset and never reach the end of my land.”

  The Israeli says, “I once had a car like that, too.”

  —ALAN KING

  Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style?

  So they can both keep watching the hockey game.

  —NORM CROSBY

  An American, a Russian, an Iraqi, and an Israeli were walking down the street, when a man came up to them and said, “Excuse me. I’m with the Gallup Organization and we’re conducting a public-opinion poll about the meat shortage—”

  The Russian said, “What’s meat?”

  The American said, “What’s a shortage?”

  The Iraqi said, “What’s public opinion?”

  And the Israeli said, “What’s excuse me?”

  The Ecuadorian captain had grown increasingly anxious over rumors of an impending air strike from neighboring Peru. “Pedro,” he ordered his aide-de-camp, “I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Peruvian military activity.”

  “Sí, Capitano,” replied Pedro. He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge, he saw a squadron of planes heading their way. “There are many planes coming, Capitano,” he promptly radioed back.

  “Friends or enemies?” the Captain demanded urgently.

  Pedro again lifted his binoculars to the sky. “They’re flying very closely together, Capitano,” he replied. “I think they must be friends.”

  The Italians and the Jews have a lot in common. It was an Italian who invented the toilet seat, but the Jew had brains enough
to put a hole in it.

  —MILTON BERLE

  What do you get when you cross a WASP and a Mexican?

  A migrant stockbroker.

  Do you know what the four shortest books in history are? Famous Jewish Astronauts, Ten Thousand Years of German Humor, Irish Gourmet Cooking, and Negroes I Have Met While Yachting.

  —MILTON BERLE

  Heard about the black and the Mexican who opened up a restaurant?

  It’s called Nacho Mama.

  The prostitute was quite impressed when her Chinese client took her up to his room in the swanky Hotel Crillon, where they screwed for quite a while, until he rolled off, gasping for breath. “Pardonnez-moi, Mademoiselle, je suis fatigueé.” he explained, and went into the bathroom to freshen up.

  When he returned, she was even more impressed by a second energetic round of sex. After a while, though, he lay back on the bed, sighing, “Pardonnez-moi, Mademoiselle, je suis fatigueé.” Off he went to the bathroom again, and again returned revived and ready for another session of lovemaking.

  After the sixth screw, the hooker was so tired, she excused herself for a bathroom break. What did she find when she pulled back the shower curtain? Five Chinese guys!

  Why do Italians have such short necks? It’s from standing in front of a grand jury and shrugging their shoulders and saying, “I don’t know.”

  —MILTON BERLE

  How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

  Ten. You gotta problem with that?

  What do Japanese men do when they have erections?

  Vote.

  Hear about the new synagogue in Harlem?

  It’s called Temple Beth-You-Is-My-Woman-Now.

  Hear about the guy who was half Jewish and half Japanese?

  He was circumcised at Benihana’s.

  Fred was the manager for a construction project in downtown Rochester and his first job was to take bids from the local construction companies for the job. The first interview was with a representative from Zabriskie Brothers.

  “You’ve seen the plans,” said Fred. “How much’ll you charge to get the job done?”