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Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes

Page 16

by Barry Dougherty


  The furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, “Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for sixty-five thousand dollars.”

  “No problem! I’ll write you a check!”

  “Very good, sir,” says the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick the coat up after the check has cleared.”

  So the man writes a check, and he and the woman leave.

  On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged. “How dare you show your face in here,” he exclaims. “There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!”

  “I just had to come by,” said the guy, grinning, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

  Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God’s decision on where your lips end.

  —JERRY SEINFELD

  I just put on what the lady says. I’ve been married three times, so I’ve been well supervised.

  —UPTON SINCLAIR

  Fathers

  My uncle was always unhappy on Father’s Day because he never had children to celebrate it with.

  “Weren’t you happy at home?” I asked him.

  He said, “Oh, sure. My wife laughs at everything I do. That’s the reason we don’t have children.”

  —JOEY ADAMS

  What lazy S.O.B invented the Clapper? What do I have to invent so I don’t have to get off my lazy butt and go over and flip that light switch. My father had a Clapper thirty years ago—me.

  —GEORGE WALLACE

  My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick other kids up after school, take them to the zoo, take them to play ball. One day he came to me. He says, “Look, I got to level with you. I met another kid.”

  —DOM IRRERA

  My father and I have been butting heads since I was in the womb. He left a deep impression on me. It’s more like a dent, and it’s above my right ear.

  —TOM COTTER

  Female Anatomy

  What’s the difference between a woman and a volcano?

  Volcanoes don’t fake eruptions.

  Hear about the woman who was so ugly that when she was born the doctor slapped her mother?

  Who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman?

  The woman.

  How can I prove it? When your ear itches and you put your little finger in and wiggle it around and take it out again, what feels better, your finger or your ear?

  My wife told me of a book about finding the G-spot. I went to a bookstore. I couldn’t even find the book . . . my wife bought it for me. There were no pictures, maps, or diagrams. It just said it was about a third of the way in. Great. Compared to who?

  —ROBERT SCHIMMEL

  Why’s beauty more important than brains for a woman?

  Because plenty of men are stupid, but not very many are blind.

  A man and his wife are on a cruise. During bad weather she falls overboard and can’t be found. A few weeks later the man gets a call. “We found your wife’s body,” he’s told. “It was found washed up on a desert island and there’s an oyster in her vagina. What should we do?”

  The man thought about it and said, “Send me the pearl and reset the trap.”

  —DICK CAPRI

  Why did they send so many women with PMS to the Gulf?

  They fight like animals, and they retain water for four days.

  When Ernie walked into the pharmacy and asked for rubbers, the girl behind the counter asked politely, “What size, please?”

  “Gee, I don’t know,” answered Ernie, a little flustered, so she instructed him to use the fence out back to determine the correct size. And as he walked out the back door, she ran out a side door and behind the fence.

  The fence had three holes in it.

  Putting his penis in the first hole, Ernie felt capable hands gently stroking it. Reluctantly, he pulled it out and inserted it in the second hole, and within seconds, he felt a warm sensation, a level of sensation he never before felt. Groaning with pleasure, he managed to pull out and stick it through the third hole. There, expert lips and tongue gave him the blow job of his dreams. Jumping up, the salesgirl hurried back behind the counter and was standing there smiling when Ernie staggered back through the door.

  “Your size, sir?” she asked politely.

  “Forget the rubbers,” he grunted. “Just gimme three yards of that fence.”

  I love the lines men use to get us into bed. Please, I’ll only take a minute. What am I, a microwave?

  —BEVERLY MICKINS

  If I ever write a sex manual, I’d call it Ow, You’re on My Hair.

  —RICHARD LEWIS

  Did you hear about the girl who had tits on her back?

  She was ugly to look at, but a whole lot of fun to dance with.

  Why is a clitoris like Antarctica?

  Because men know it’s down there, but how many really care?

  Why do women have two sets of lips?

  So they can piss and moan at the same time.

  The newlyweds undressed and got into bed. “Sweetheart,” asked the new wife, “could you please hand me that jar of Vaseline over there?”

  “Baby, you aren’t going to need any Vaseline,” he growled amorously. But at her insistence, he handed it over, and she proceeded to smear it liberally all over her crotch.

  After watching this procedure, the husband asked the wife a favor. “Remember that long string of pearls I gave you for an engagement present? Could you get them out of the bureau drawer for me?”

  “Of course, lover,” replied his bride, “but whatever do you want them for?”

  “Well,” he explained, looking down at the Vaseline smeared all over her, “if you think I’m going into a mess like that without chains, you’re crazy!”

  A soldier in Vietnam walked into a whorehouse in Saigon, went up to the madam, and asked, “Do Oriental women really have horizontal ones?”

  “Why?” asked the madam. “Are you harmonica player?”

  He just kept rushing through the lovemaking, which is the part I like, the beginning part. Most women are like that. We need time to warm up. Why is this hard for you guys to understand? You’re the first people to tell us not to gun a cold engine. You want us to go from zero to sixty in 5.5. We’re not built like that. We stall.

  —ANITA WISE

  Why’s the new contraceptive sponge such a great idea?

  Because after sex your wife can get up and wash the dishes.

  It seems there was this woman who hated wearing underwear. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying an excellent view. After the third or fourth pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s some beautiful sight. I could eat that pussy full of ice cream.”

  Disgusted, the woman ran out of the store and went home. When her husband got home from work, she told him about the incident and asked him to go beat the shit out of the salesman. And when he flatly refused, she wanted to know why.

  “Three reasons,” said her husband. “Number one: you shouldn’t have been out in a skirt with no underpants. Number two: you have enough shoes to last you ten more years. And number three: any son of a bitch who can eat that much ice cream I don’t want to mess with in the first place.”

  What does a woman say after her third orgasm?

  You mean you don’t know?

  “No, Jerzy,” said Stella when her stupid friend asked her to go jogging. “I’m not feeling too well.”

  “Whaddaya mean, not feeling well?”

  “You know,” she explained, blushing a bit, “it’s that time of the month.”

  “Whaddaya mean, that time of the month?”

  “You know,” she went on, “I have my period.”

  “Whaddaya mean, period?”

  “You know, Jerzy,” Stella blurted in exasperation. “I’m bleeding down there!” And she lifted her skirt to
show him.

  “No wonder,” he screamed. “Someone’s cut your pee-pee off!”

  Two lesbians were having a drink at the bar when a good-looking woman waved at them from across the room.

  “Nice,” commented Brenda. “I’d like to get between her legs sometime soon.”

  “No you wouldn’t,” said her companion disparagingly. “She’s hung like a doughnut.”

  Leonard desperately wanted to become a doctor and had really crammed for his medical boards, so he wasn’t in the least fazed by the question: “Name the three advantages of breast milk.”

  Quickly he wrote, “1. It contains the optimum balance of nutrients for the newborn child.” He added, “2. As it is contained within the mother’s body, it is protected from germs and helps develop the child’s immune system.” Then Leonard was stumped. Sitting back and racking his brains until he’d broken into a sweat, he finally scribbled, “3. It comes in such nice containers.”

  The gynecologist stuck up his head after completing his examination. “I’m sorry, Miss,” he said, “but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy and delicate operation.”

  “I’m not sure I can afford it,” sighed the young woman on the examining table. “Why don’t you just replace the batteries?”

  Finances

  “Henry Junior thinks money grows on trees,” the overworked businessman complained to his secretary one day. “Tonight he’s getting a talking-to that’ll really get across the value of a dollar.”

  “How’d it go?” asked the secretary the next morning.

  “Not so good,” he admitted glumly. “Now he wants his allowance in Deutschmarks.”

  Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

  —HENNY YOUNGMAN

  A millionaire and his wife had everything money could buy—until the fellow gambled on a few bad stock tips and lost everything. He came home that night with a heavy heart and explained their newly straitened circumstances to his wife.

  “Since we need to start somewhere, Myrna,” he went on, “you better learn to cook so we can let the kitchen staff go.”

  His wife thought it over for a few moments. Nodding, she suggested, “Okay, George, but you better learn to screw so we can fire the chauffeur.”

  There are several ways in which to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory.

  —ROBERT BENCHLEY

  Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, “Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce.” The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

  Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. “That will be five thousand dollars in principal, and fifteen dollars and forty cents in interest,” the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. “Wait, sir,” the loan officer said. “While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow five thousand dollars?”

  The man smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only fifteen dollars and forty cents?”

  I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

  —E. E. CUMMINGS

  Just about the time you think you can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

  —PANSY PENNER

  Fitness and Exercise

  They say the best exercise takes place in the bedroom. I believe it, because that’s where I get the most resistance.

  —JEFF SHAW

  You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven today, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

  —ELLEN DEGENERES

  You just can’t go to a public pool and splash around anymore. Everyone’s swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, “How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?”

  “Until my bladder’s empty, punk.”

  —TOMMY SLEDGE

  Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes.

  —ROBERT MAYNARD HUTCHINS

  We work out entirely too much. We waste time. A friend of mine runs marathons. He always talks about this “runners’ high,” but he has to go twenty-six miles for it. That’s why I smoke and drink. I get the same feeling from a flight of stairs.

  —LARRY MILLER

  My fitness goals are different from most people’s. Most people want to lose enough weight so they look good in a bathing suit, or they want to lower their cholesterol. I just want to lose enough so my stomach doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth.

  —KEVIN JAMES

  Mr. Universe: Don’t forget, Mr. Johnson, your body is the only home you’ll ever have.

  Mr. Johnson: Yes, my home is pretty messy. But I have a woman who comes in once a week.

  I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

  —FRED ALLEN

  My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

  —MILTON BERLE

  For me, exercise just doesn’t make sense—like a vegetarian going to a barbecue.

  I tried Flintstones vitamins. I didn’t feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.

  —JOAN ST. ONGE

  Flying

  Why do WASPs fly so much?

  For the food.

  Orville Wright said to his brother, Wilbur, “You were only in the air for twelve seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?”

  —RED BUTTONS

  Brian Dwyer reminded us of the pilot who told the passengers he had some good news and some bad news. “The bad news is that we’re doing seven hundred and fifty miles per hour at thirty-two thousand feet, but we’re lost. The good news is that we’re making very good time.”

  —JOEY ADAMS

  I had the chance to go to London a couple of months back. Had kind of a weird flight over, though, ’cause one of the flight attendants got very angry with me. I didn’t eat all of my dinner. She said, “Sir, you really shouldn’t waste all that food. There are people starving on Air India.”

  —TIM CAVANAGH

  I’m giving up flying. I was at the airport and I saw a sign: “Take Out Insurance.” I thought, if the lobby’s that dangerous, imagine what it’s like in the plane.

  —CORBETT MONICA

  How do you know you’re flying Vatican Airlines?

  The emergency instructions are in Latin, so good Catholics can get out first.

  I took an economy flight. There wasn’t any movie, but they flew low over drive-ins.

  —RED SKELTON

  I said, “I believe ya can, Maynard, I’ve seen ya do a lot of wild things. I think you can fly.” We went up to Willard’s Bluff. . . . He Scotch-taped a hundred and forty-six pigeons to his arms. He said, “I know I can do it, I know I can.”

  I said, “Don’t repeat yourself, just do it.”

  He was airborne for a good twenty seconds. Then some kid came from outta nowhere, threw a bag of popcorn in the stone quarry, and he bashed his brains out.

  —JONATHAN WINTERS

  The Concorde was great. It travels at twice the speed of sound. “Which is fun except you can’t hear the movie until two hours after you land.

  —HOWIE MANDEL

  Fabio and Nunzio rent a private plane for the day and are doing fine until it’s time for touchdown. Fabio is busy with all the instrument readings and finally gets the plane down, but has to screech to a stop. “Boy, that’s a short runway,” he says, wiping his forehead.

  “Yes,” agrees Nunzio, “but look how wid
e it is.”

  I think I agree with the old lady who said if God has intended us to fly, he would never have given us railroads.

  —MICHAEL FLANDERS

  He was a little “off,” I think is the term. . . . One day he said to me, “I’m gonna fly.”

  I love when the stewardess says, “Your seat cushion becomes a flotation device.” Well, why doesn’t the plane just become a boat?”

  —STEVE SHAFFER

  Flying? I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage!

  —BOB HOPE

  Flying doesn’t thrill me. . . . We don’t know how old the planes are, and there’s really no way for us to tell, ’so virtually nothing cancause we’re laymen. But I figure if the plane smells like your grandmother’s house, get out. That’s the bottom line.

  —GARRY SHANDLING

  It was considered a great step forward in civil aviation when the first fully automated flight was ready for its maiden transcontinental journey. Bigwigs of every sort were shown to their seats and served champagne cocktails by cyborg hostesses, while hundreds of airline employees waved from the runway. Suddenly, the engine snapped on and the plane made a perfect takeoff into the cloudless sky.

  A silky, mechanical voice came over the speakers. “Welcome aboard this historic flight, ladies and gentlemen, and simply press the call button if you would like more champagne to be served by one of our robot attendants. Even those of you who may have been anxious about flying in the past can now relax in the knowledge that this flight is free from the possibility of human error. Every aspect—altitude, air pressure, course setting, weather conditions—is being continuously monitored by state-of-the-art computer circuitry, so virtually nothing can go wrong . . . go wrong . . . go wrong. . . .”

  Mr. Rosenberg, a middle-aged man, is sitting in a window seat on a plane going to Israel. Just before takeoff, a huge Arab wearing a beautiful multicolored caftan walks down the aisle and sits beside him. A few minutes later, the plane takes off. All is well. For a while. But then, Mr. Rosenberg realizes that he has to go to the washroom. That wouldn’t be a problem, but he looks over and sees that the Arab beside him is sound asleep, and Mr. Rosenberg, being a meek man, is afraid to disturb him. So he figures he’ll hold it in until the Arab wakes up. As luck would have it, the Arab just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Rosenberg is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable.

 

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