Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes

by Barry Dougherty

  “Well, thank heaven,” said the wife, “at least our James has nothing standing in his way.”

  A guy at a bar sees another guy fall off his stool three times. He asks him where he lives and takes him home. “When he gets there, he says, “Mrs. Phillips, I have your husband here.”

  She says, “Where’s his wheelchair?”

  —HENNY YOUNGMAN

  The personnel director was interviewing people for the position of account executive. One candidate offered excellent references and experience, and he was well-dressed and well-spoken. The only catch was a disconcerting mannerism: the fellow couldn’t seem to stop winking.

  So the personnel director decided to be frank. “You’ve got all the qualifications for the job, and I’d really like to hire you, but I have to be honest. I’m afraid that facial tic of yours might put clients off.”

  “I’m glad you brought that up, sir,” said the candidate, “because all I need to make that annoying wink go away is a couple of aspirins. See for yourself. I’ve got some on me.” And he began emptying his pockets onto the desk. The prospective employer was startled to see dozens of packages of condoms piling up—ribbed ones, lubricated ones, multicolored ones, every variety imaginable.

  “Aha,” cried the young man happily, “here they are.” He brandished two aspirin tablets, swallowed them, and sure enough the wink went away in less than a minute.

  “So much for the wink,” said the personnel manager sternly, gesturing at the mountain of rubbers, “but what about all this stuff here? I don’t want the company to be represented by some wild womanizer.”

  “No fear. I’m a happily married man.”

  “So how can you account for the contents of your pockets?”

  “It’s quite simple, sir,” the fellow assured him earnestly. “Did you ever go into a drugstore, winking like crazy, and ask for a box of aspirin?”

  Know why the Siamese twins moved to London?

  So the other one could drive.

  Heard about the new nonprofit institution called AMD?

  It’s “Mothers Against Dyslexia.”

  Did you hear about the dyslexic who tried to commit suicide?

  He threw himself behind an oncoming train.

  Years ago, Phil Silvers had a crush on Olivia De Havilland. She went out with him several times, but when he asked her to the Academy Awards dinner, social high mark of the season, she said, “I’ll go with you on one condition—that you don’t wear those silly glasses.”

  Phil promised to do without them and kept his word. He arrived at her door that evening in white tie and tails, with a corsage of orchids and a Seeing Eye dog.

  —PHIL SILVERS, ACCORDING TO JOEY BISHOP

  Dyslexics of the world, untie!

  Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?

  He could read lips.

  When Georgie Jessel read, he used a monocle. “I’d rather be called eccentric than use a Seeing Eye dog,” he said. “I’m too old to see without glasses. At the Friars’ one afternoon, monocle and all, our Harlem Disraeli was scanning the menu.

  “What’s the matter, Georgie?” inquired Fred Allen. “Doesn’t the other eye eat?”

  —FRED ALLEN, ACCORDING TO JOEY ALLEN

  A deaf man and a deaf woman got married. On their wedding night, the woman got into bed, then the man turned off the light and joined her. Quickly, she jumped up and turned the light back on.

  “Wait,” she signed, “how will I know if you want to have sex or not?”

  “I know,” he said, “if I want to have sex with you, I’ll reach over and squeeze your breast once. If I don’t want to have sex, I’ll reach over and squeeze your breast twice.”

  “Okay,” she said, and got back in bed. Ten seconds later she was up again with the light on.

  “Wait,” she signed, “how will you know if I want to have sex or not?”

  “Well,” he said, “if you want to have sex, reach over and grab my dick once. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and grab my dick a hundred times.”

  The bell rings at the brothel. A girl answers the door, and there in a wheelchair is a guy with no arms and no legs.

  She says, “What do you think you’re gonna do here?” He winks and says, “I rang the bell, didn’t I?”

  What song did the mermaid sing to the sailors?

  “I Can’t Give You Anything but Head, Baby.”

  One day on a busy street corner, a huge man walks up to a police officer and says, “Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?”

  The police officer doesn’t reply.

  The large man asks his question again, but still no reply.

  Finally the frustrated man walks away. An onlooker then walks up to the officer and asks, “Officer, why didn’t you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento is?”

  The police officer replies, “Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!”

  Health

  Sergeant Mack had a fine time during his stay in Hong Kong, but paid for it when he came down with a strange type of Oriental venereal disease. So he made the rounds of every American doctor in the community. To his horror he discovered that not only were they unable to cure him, but they all informed him that the only course of treatment was to have his penis amputated.

  Desperate, Sergeant Mack made an appointment with a leading Chinese doctor, figuring that he might know more about an Eastern malady. “Do you think, Doctor Cheung, that I need to have my dick amputated?” he asked anxiously.

  “No, no, no,” said the Chinese doctor testily.

  A huge smile broke out over the serviceman’s face. “Boy, that’s great, Doc. Every one of those American medics said they’d have to cut it off.”

  “Those Western doctors—all they ever want to do is cut, cut, cut,” explained Dr. Cheung exasperatedly. “You just wait two weeks. Penis fall off all by itself.”

  I’d collapse—but I’m too weak.

  —HARRY HERSHFIELD

  Which doesn’t fit with the rest: AIDS, herpes, gonorrhea, condominiums.

  Gonorrhea. You can get rid of gonorrhea.

  My sister’s got asthma. In the middle of an attack, she got an obscene phone call. The guy said, “Did I call you or did you call me?”

  —JOHN MENDOZA

  Hypochondria is the only disease I haven’t got.

  My allergy tests suggest that I may have been intended for life on some other planet.

  Anybody who can swallow an aspirin at a drinking fountain deserves to get well.

  There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable that has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health, and health is all they get for it.

  —MARK TWAIN

  Three addicts went into a favorite back alley to shoot up. The first addict sterilized his needle, swabbed it with alcohol, and shot up. Then he passed it to the next fellow, who swabbed the needle with alcohol and shot up. Then he passed it to the third addict, who stuck the needle right into his arm.

  “Are you crazy, man?” screamed the first two. “Haven’t you heard of AIDS? You could get sick, man, you could die.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” said the third guy in a lofty tone. “I’m wearing a condom.”

  If penicillin is such a wonder drug, how come it can’t cure bread mold?

  —RON SMITH

  They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles and found traces of estrogen and antidepressants. So it’s nice to know my son’s going to grow up and have huge breasts but it’s not going to bother him that much.

  —GREG FITZSIMMONS

  I don’t do much. I’m too lazy. That’s my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day: I get hit by a truck tomorrow—a big truck could hit me, paralyze me from the neck down. “Wouldn’t affect my lifestyle a bit really.

  —NORM MACDONALD

  If exercise is so good for you,
why do athletes have to retire by age thirty-five?

  What’s the definition of minor surgery?

  An operation performed on somebody else.

  When Jackie went to the dentist for the first time in years, she was prepared for bad news. Nevertheless, she was a little put out when, after some time, the dentist gasped, “Jesus, what happened to your teeth? They’re all gone, and your gums are in terrible shape!”

  “If it’s such a big problem,” Jackie retorted, “then get your face out of my lap.”

  You have a cough? Go home, eat a whole box of ex-lax, and tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

  —PEARL WILLIAMS

  A man with a frog perched on top of his head goes to see a doctor.

  “What seems to be the problem?” the physician asks.

  “My ass,” the frog responds, to the amazement of the doctor.

  “And . . . uh . . . what’s wrong with your ass?” the doctor inquires further, somewhat perplexed.

  “Would you believe,” complains the frog, “this started as a wart?”

  I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.

  What’s the good part about Alzheimer’s disease?

  You keep meeting new friends.

  “Tell me the truth, Doctor Hill,” said the emaciated fellow. “How much longer am I going to live?”

  “It’s always hard to predict,” she replied brightly, “but let’s just say that if I were you, I wouldn’t start watching any miniseries on TV.”

  Apparently, this woman’s miniature schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was due to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream.

  The women went to a drugstore and asked the pharmacist for assistance in selecting the appropriate product.

  He went on about how some depilatory creams were better for use on the legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. Then he said, “May I ask where you intend to use this?”

  She replied “Well, it’s for my schnauzer.”

  He said, “Okay, but you shouldn’t ride a bike for two weeks.”

  Mrs. Johnson goes to a new gynecologist. He examines her and he says, “My goodness, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen.”

  When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes a large mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all her clothes, and stands on it. She’s just about to look down when her husband comes home early from work.

  He says, “What are you doing?”

  She says, “Umm . . . I’m just exercising.”

  He says, “Well, be careful not to fall in the hole.”

  What’s the best thing about having Alzheimer’s disease?

  You never have to watch reruns on television.

  Holidays

  Santa Claus? You have to look very carefully at a man like this. He comes but once a year? Down the chimney? And in my sock?

  —PROFESSOR IRWIN COREY

  Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

  —JOHNNY CARSON

  I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.

  —DICK GREGORY

  I must say, when the doorman where I live puts up the Christmas tree in the lobby, he has the same friendly smile for those who have remembered him at Christmas and for those who have not. Except that when he trims the tree, if you have not, there you are on the tree, hanging in effigy.

  —SELMA DIAMOND

  The Supreme Court ruled against having a Nativity scene in “Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

  —JAY LENO

  I wanted our street to have the prettiest Christmas decorations in the neighborhood, so I strung colored balls from house to house, all the way down the block. And I did all the electrical wiring myself. If you’d like further information, just drive down Moorpark Street in North Hollywood. We’re the third pile of ashes from the corner.

  —BOB HOPE

  The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  —GEORGE CARLIN

  “Have you been a good boy all year?” Damn him! Damn Santa Claus—has anybody ever been a good boy all year? . . . “He’s making a list, checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice.” Who the hell did he think he was, J. Edgar Hoover?

  —ALLAN SHERMAN

  I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride.

  Instead, he played in the box it came in.

  It taught me a valuable lesson. Next year he got a box, and I got a hundred dollars’ worth of scotch.

  I had a big New Year’s Eve—they tell me. But New Year’s Eve is a lot of fun. We had a big party. We didn’t like our furniture anyway. It was eighteenth-century Provincial. Now it’s twentieth-century splinters. I invited Les Brown and the band over. We didn’t like our neighbors either. I invited the brass section, too. We don’t even like ourselves.

  —BOB HOPE

  It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July third or December twenty-sixth, just for the long weekends.

  Home

  My bathroom has a digital sink. Every time I want the water to stop running, I put my finger in the faucet.

  —RON SMITH

  I’m moving out, but first I’m getting a thousand roaches. ’Cause it said in the rent book, “Leave the place the way you found it.”

  —DOLLY ALLEN

  We are in the process of buying a home. When you buy a home, you deal with Realtors. Realtors are people who did not make it as used-car salesmen.

  —BOB NEWHART

  The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?”

  The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, “The lady who lives here lets me sleep with her.”

  We have one of those floor lamps with three degrees of brightness: dim, flicker, and out.

  This morning there was ice on the pipes in my apartment, but the landlord fixed it. He put antifreeze in the radiator.

  —HERB SHRINER

  I can’t believe I actually own my own house. I’m looking at a house and it’s two hundred grand. The Realtor says, “It’s got a great view.” For two hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window.

  —GARRY SHANDLING

  I’m living on a one-way, dead-end street. I don’t know how I got there.

  —STEVEN WRIGHT

  Homosexuality

  Did you hear about the gay pickpocket? After he takes your wallet, he kisses your ass.

  —RED BUTTONS

  My doctor said, “I have some bad news and some good news.”

  I said, “Okay, give me the bad news.”

  He said, “Well it’s all how you regard something like this, but you show very definite signs of homosexuality.”

  I said, “Oh, come on. “What in the world is the good news?”

  He said, “The good news is I think you’re cute.”

  —FOSTER BROOKS

  What’s the definition of a lesbian?

  Just another damn woman trying to do a man’s job.

  Philip and Michael were live-in lovers. One day Philip called in sick, and Michael called home in the middle of the morning to see how he was feeling. “Oh, by the way,” he
asked, “did the paper boy come yet?”

  “No,” answered Michael, “but he’s got that glassy look in his eye. . . .”

  A gay church is like any other church, except that every other person is kneeling.

  —NORM CROSBY

  “My dildo can do anything a man can do,” boasted a lesbian in a bar one night.

  “Oh yeah?” replied a nearby drunk. “Let’s see your dildo get up and order a round of drinks.”

  “Mommy, one of the kids at school called me a sissy.”

  “So what did you do, Benny?”

  “I hit him with my purse.”

  Some men think that they can convert gay women, make them straight. I couldn’t do that. I could make a straight woman gay, though.

  —JEFF STILSON

  I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl, I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am, but I should have been more specific.

  —MARGARET CHO

  Heard about the new gay sitcom?

  It’s called, “Leave It, It’s Beaver.”

  Three rednecks were having a few in a bar and bragging about how big their dicks were. Finally the boasting grew so extravagant that there was only one way to resolve the dispute: Each man unzipped his fly and laid it out on the bar.

  At this very moment a homosexual happened into the bar. “What’ll you have?” asked the bartender.

  “Gee,” said the gay man, “I was gonna have a Bloody Mary . . . but I think I’ll take the buffet.”

  Zabiski saved up his money for an excursion to Reno, where he soon found himself at the bar next to a very attractive brunette. “Say, could I buy you a drink?” he asked boldly.