The project manager was stuck in a tiny town out in the middle of nowhere, waiting for materials to arrive. One week stretched to two, and by the end of the third week he couldn’t take it anymore. He went into the local whorehouse, plunked down a hundred dollars, and requested the worst blow job in the joint.
Pocketing the cash, the madam said, “Sir, for a hundred dollars, you don’t have to settle for the worst. Why, it’ll buy you the very best we have to offer.”
“Let me set you straight,” explained the fellow. “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”
When does this place get to England?
—BEA LILLIE, ABOARD THE QUEEN MARY
You remember the story of the Ark, the ship that carried a male and female of every living creature on earth? I’m pretty sure it was the last cruise ship that was evenly matched.
Thanks to the miles of super highways under construction, America will soon be a wonderful place to drive—if you don’t want to stop.
—FLETCHER KNEBEL
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day’s trip, he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk does the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blond sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he goes into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
“Fancy meeting my wife here,” he says to the clerk. “Guess I’ll need a double room for the night.”
The next morning, he goes to the front desk to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over three thousand dollars. “What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here one night!”
“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your wife has been here for three weeks.”
I wouldn’t mind seeing China if I could come back the same day.
—PHILIP LARKIN
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, “Look, it’s shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?”
He says, “Put it between your legs.”
She says, “What about the smell?”
He says, “Hold its nose.”
A guy is on a trip on a small airline. The stewardess says, “Would you like dinner?”
He says, “What are my choices?”
She says, “Yes or no.”
Trust
Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black mustache.
—P. G. WODEHOUSE
The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
After almost twenty years of teaching kindergarten, Miss Groden had composed a note that she had each child carry home at the end of the first week of school. It read, “Dear Parents—if you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he or she says happens at home.”
Why don’t men trust women?
Would you trust anything that bled for three days and didn’t die?
What’s the definition of “trust”?
Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Truth
Of course, facts are only as useful as one permits them to be. Take the example of the fellow who was convinced he was dead. He visited his doctor with this complaint several times and the doctor was unable to change his mind. Finally, the exasperated doctor demanded whether his patient would believe otherwise in the face of physical evidence that he was alive. “Of course,” said the man calmly. “I’m a reasonable fellow.”
“Now would you agree that dead men don’t bleed?”
“Of course.”
“Fine. Give me your hand,” ordered the physician. Taking a needle, he swiftly pricked a fingertip, then squeezed it until a drop of blood beaded up. He thrust it in front of the man’s eyes. “Look! Is that not blood?”
“I’ll be darned,” said the patient after a moment’s astonished reflection. “Dead men do bleed.”
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts—for support rather than for illumination.
—ANDREW LANG
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
—SAMUEL MCCHORD CROTHERS
“Private, where did you get that rifle?” asked the colonel when the young soldier returned from the battlefield.
“I stole it, sir!” barked the private.
“You see,” said the colonel to his lieutenant, “they’ll steal, but they sure as hell won’t lie. That’s a soldier!”
On a blind date, a man met his date at a very fancy restaurant. Unfortunately, she looked nothing like he was led to believe. When they received the menu, his date said, “Can I really order anything?”
“Of course you may,” he responded.
“Well, then I guess I’ll have the lobster.”
Her date then responded, “Why don’t you guess again?”
V
Vanity
Have you ever had one of those nights when you didn’t want to go out . . . but your hair looked too good to stay home?
—JACK SIMMONS
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a lady-killer, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl’s name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photograph.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response. It read, “Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a funny shirt.”
To impress a girl, Harry Richman would tip the waiter fifty dollars just to get a menu. It is reliably reported that he said to the maitre d’ at the Stork Club, “What’s the biggest tip you ever received?”
The headwaiter replied, “A hundred dollars.”
Harry gave him two hundred dollars, then asked, “Now tell me—who gave you the hundred?”
The man said, “You did, Mr. Richman.”
—JOEY ADAMS, ABOUT HARRY RICHMAN
I don’t deserve this, but then, I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
—JACK BENNY, ACCEPTING AN AWARD
The handsome actor had no qualms about pointing out that he was a perfect physical specimen. “In fact, I’m so perfect, I had my whole self insured. Why, my dick alone is insured with Lloyds of London for fifty thousand dollars.”
“Smart,” commented a lady friend, who was thoroughly fed up with his boasting. “What did you do with the money?”
Mort knew he was probably oversensitive about the problem, but the fact was that his eyes bulged. He went to doctor after doctor, but none seemed to know of any treatment. In desperation he looked up “Eye, Bulging” in the Yellow Pages. Sure enough a doctor was listed, and a few days later Mort found himself sitting on a vinyl couch in a seedy waiting room. A little nervous about being the only patient, he reminded himself how rare the condition was and that the doctor was a specialist.
At long last he was admitted to the doctor’s office and was examined. The doctor leaned back and informed him that there was a remedy, but not an easy one. “I must cut your balls off,” he said.
Mort’s eyes bulged even more as he headed for the door. But after a few weeks of thinking it over, Mort acknowledged that his bulging eyes were what kept him from getting laid in the first place, so he decided to go ahead with the operation. So he returned for the operation, and sure enough, his eyeballs sunk back into their sockets most agreeably. In fact, he looked not only normal but actually rather handsome.
Delighted, he thanked the doctor profusely, and decided to treat himself to a new suit.
“Charcoal gray pinstripe,” he instructed the tailor. “Medium lapel, no cuffs.”
“Fine,” said the tailor, nodding. “Come back on Tuesday.”
“Aren’
t you going to measure me?” asked Mort.
“Nah. I’ve been at this over thirty years; I can tell your size just by looking,” the tailor assured him.
“That’s impossible,” blurted Mort.
“Size forty-two jacket, right?”
“Yes,” admitted Mort, amazed.
“Thirty-two-inch inseam, right?”
Mort nodded, dumbstruck.
“Thirty-six-inch waist?”
Again Mort nodded.
“And you wear size forty underwear, right?” concluded the tailor with a smile.
“Nope!” Mort told him. “Thirty-four.”
“Listen, you can’t fool me,” said the tailor wearily. “Don’t even try to put one over.”
“I’m telling you, I wear size thirty-four underwear,” Mort insisted.
“You can’t wear size thirty-four underwear,” protested the exasperated tailor. “Your eyes would bulge out of their sockets!”
I never loved a person the way I loved myself.
—MAE WEST
The man says to his hair stylist, “My hair is falling out. What can I use to keep it in?”
The stylist replies, “Might I suggest a shoe box?”
W
Weather
On cable TV they have a weather channel—twenty-four hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window.
—DAN SPENCER
“How did you find the weather in London?” asked a man’s wife upon his return from a long trip. “You don’t have to find the weather in London, it bumps into you at every corner.
Edith and Roberta were hanging out their laundry in their backyards when the talk came around to why Marcia’s laundry never got rained on. So when Marcia came out with her laundry basket, Roberta asked her how come she always seemed to know in advance whether it was going to rain. “Your laundry’s never hanging out on those days,” she commented in an aggrieved tone.
Marcia leaned over her fence and winked at her two friends. “When I wake up in the morning, I look over at Buddy,” she explained. “If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be fair weather and I come right out with my laundry. On the other hand, if it’s hanging left, for sure it’s going to rain, so I hang it up inside.”
“Well, smarty-pants,” said Edith, “what’s the forecast if Buddy’s got a hard-on?”
“Honey,” replied Marcia with a smile, “on a day like that you don’t do the laundry.”
What did the flasher say to the woman in subzero weather?
“It’s so cold—should I just describe myself?”
Three macho Eskimos were arguing about who had the coldest igloo, so they decided to check each in turn. Sure he’d clinched the argument, the first Eskimo pulled back his polar-bear-skin blanket and revealed that his bed was made of ice.
“Nah, mine’s colder,” claimed the second Eskimo. And when they reached his igloo, it was snowing inside.
“Pretty cold,” conceded the third Eskimo, “but I’ve got you beat.” He led the way to his igloo, where he pulled back the bedcovers to reveal a brown spot on the bed. Chipping it off with an ice pick, he tossed it into the fire, and after several minutes a noise came forth like someone passing gas. In response to the puzzled glances of the other two Eskimos, he explained with a smile, “Frozen fart.”
Two farmers were boasting about the strongest wind they’d ever experienced. “Out here in California,” said one, “I’ve seen the fiercest wind in my life. You know those giant redwood trees? Well the wind got so strong, it bent them right over.”
“That’s nothing,” said the farmer from Iowa. “Back on my farm we had a wind one day that blew a hundred miles per hour. It was so bad that one of my hens had her back turned to the wind and she laid the same egg six times.”
—JOE LAURIE, JR.
Wives
Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
—GROUCHO MARX
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
—WOODY ALLEN
What’s the difference between your paycheck and your wife?
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
Definition of a diplomat: A man who can convince his wife that a fur coat will make her look fat.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and was yelling and screaming because she was all wet. The husband was stunned for a while, but then smiled and said, “It really works!”
Some mornings I wake up Grouchy . . . and some mornings I just let her sleep.
For the first year of marriage, I had a basically bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.
—WOODY ALLEN
Explaining to his doctor that his sex life wasn’t all it could be, Norm asked his doctor for a pill that would enable him to perform for his wife. It so happened that the doctor had just the right medication, so Norm popped a pill and drove home, but it also happened that his wife had to work late that night. So after waiting for a while in growing discomfort, Norm finally had to jerk off.
“When the doctor called to check the next day, Norm explained what had happened. “Gee, Norm,” the doctor explained, “there are other women in the building, you know.”
“Doctor,” Norm explained in an exasperated tone, “for other women I don’t need a pill.”
I made a big mistake when I put my wife on a pedestal. Now she can’t reach the floor to clean.
Women
One day, three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After they haul the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, she will grant each of them a wish in return. The first man doesn’t believe it, so he says, “All right, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done,” and suddenly, the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.
The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, “Triple my IQ.” The mermaid says, “Done,” and the second man starts to recite solutions to mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry.
The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my IQ.” The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.” The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”
“Please,” said the mermaid. “You don’t know what you’re asking, it’ll change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?” But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.” The third man became a woman.
Girls got balls. They’re just a little higher up, that’s all.
—JOAN JETT
I hate women because they always know where things are.
—JAMES THURBER
“Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
—EMO PHILLIPS
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies . . . a man lie is, “I was at Kevin’s house!” A woman lie is like, “It’s your baby!”
—CHRIS ROCK
Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Why don’t women have any brains?
Because they don’t have any testicles to put them in.
Rick: I mean, what am I supposed to call you? My girlfriend? My companion? My roommate? Nothing sounds quite right.
Joanie: How about your “reason for living”?
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Rick: No, no, I need something I can use around the office.
—GARRY TRUDEAU
On one issue at least, men and women agree: They both distrust women.
—H. L. MENCKEN (ATTRIBUTED)
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.
—KIN HUBBARD
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
It’s the one with bite marks on the cap.
I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.
—PAUL REISER
Women today may not know how to cook, but they sure know what’s cooking.
Never argue with a woman when she’s tired . . . or when she’s rested.
Women who think they are the equal of men lack ambition.
A good woman is like a good bar . . . liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.
What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
You can negotiate with a terrorist.
What is the difference between a pit bull and a woman with PMS?
Lip gloss.
Why did God create women?
Because after one look at Adam, He realized man was going to need some help.
Work
Phillips fancied himself quite the ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man. Phillips threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 42
