One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves. Phillips swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. “You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.
The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing.”
“Shit,” sighed Phillips, “there go my Sundays.”
First employee: So, is your job secure?
Second employee: Oh, yes. It’s me they can do without.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
—FRED ALLEN
Business meetings are important—because they’re one way of demonstrating how many people the company can operate without.
The nearest customer was five stools away, but that didn’t keep Josh from leaning over toward the bartender and commenting, “Geez, there’s a lousy smell in here.” A few minutes later he added, “It smells just like . . . shit.” Puzzled by the origin of the stench, he moved closer to the other customer, and sure enough, the smell worsened. “Phew, you really stink,” he pointed out.
“I know,” said the man apologetically. “It’s because of my job.” Seeing that Josh was interested in a further explanation, he went on, “I’m with an elephant act, and before each show I have to give the elephant an enema so he doesn’t take a dump during the performance. Frankly, it’s a tricky business, because I have to administer it quickly and then jump back. And sometimes I just don’t move fast enough.”
“Jesus,” commiserated Josh, shaking his head. “How much do they pay you for this lousy job?”
“Eighty-five bucks a week,” said the man cheerfully.
“You’ve got to be kidding. Why don’t you quit?”
“What?” retorted the man, “and get out of show business?!”
How can I retire? I still have three hundred glossy pictures and two hundred dollars worth of makeup left.
—MILTON BERLE
I got a job as a short-order cook. I was cooking a chicken on the rotisserie, I was turning the wheel, and I was singing “Arrive-derci, Roma,” and a drunk came by and said, “You’ve got a nice voice, but your monkey’s on fire.”
—LONDON LEE
He and I had an office so tiny that an inch smaller and it would have been adultery.
—DOROTHY PARKER
Guidelines for Bureaucrats:
1. When in charge, ponder.
2. When in trouble, delegate.
3. When in doubt, mumble.
“Working hard, Stan?”
“Nah, I’m fooling the boss,” replied the laborer with a wink. “He thinks I’m working, but I’m carrying the same load of cement up and down all day.”
Well, we can’t stand around here doing nothing, people will think we’re workmen.
—SPIKE MILLIGAN
The six phases of a project:
1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic and hysteria
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honor for the nonparticipants
“So tell me, Ms. Harris,” asked the interviewer, “have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
“Actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished a novel.”
“Very impressive,” he commented, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”
The applicant explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”
“All the other presidents did what I told them. This one thinks he’s bigger than Winchell,” complained Walter Winchell about Harry Truman one night at the Stork Club. “We had a lulu of an argument yesterday and he hasn’t called me to at least say he’s sorry.”
“Walter, why don’t you call him,” suggested Joey Adams. “He’s a pretty busy man, he’s the president of the United States of America, he’s got a big country to run.”
“He’s busy?” he screamed. “He’s busy? Does he have six columns and a radio show to get out every week?”
—JOEY ADAMS, ABOUT WALTER WINCHELL
“Now tell me, Miss Gundell,” asked the senior partner to the very junior employee, “what is the main purpose of a holiday?”
“To impress upon the employees that the company can get along without them,” she responded promptly.
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.
—DON HEROLD
The boss looked over the efficiency report on the new employee and added a few words of his own. “Hedges is a definite asset to the firm. She is efficient, discreet, energetic, creative, and—best of all—she makes the other people in her department very nervous.”
I used to have a job in the Kotex factory. I thought I was making mattresses for mice.
—RAY SCOTT
Two dimwitted ditch diggers got upset because they did all the hard work and received only one-tenth of the pay of the crew boss. Finally, deciding to confront his boss, one guy climbed out of the ditch and went over to the foreman, who was leaning against a tree, reading the racing form.
“How come we do all the hard work while you sit here and earn ten times as much?” he demanded.
“Intelligence,” was the crew boss’s answer. “Let me give you an example.” He put his hand in front of the tree. “See my hand? Hit it as hard as you can.” The ditch digger took a mighty swing, the boss moved his hand at the last minute, and commented to the worker, now clutching his bruised fist, “See what I mean?”
Back in the ditch, the second guy eagerly questioned his friend. “It’s a matter of intelligence,” was the reply. “Let me give you an example: hit my hand as hard as you can.” And he held it up in front of his face.
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
—ROBERT BENCHLEY
According to the latest statistics, there are [current figure] million Americans who aren’t working. And there are plenty more if you count the ones with jobs.
Sexual harassment at work—is it a problem for the self-employed?
—VICTORIA WOOD
The worse job I ever had was working in a Fotomat booth. I was the only one at the Christmas party.
—MARK DOBRIENT
Index
Ace, Goodman, 211
Achard, Marcel, 444
Adams, Franklin P., 17, 330
Adams, Joey, 13, 14, 18, 20, 34, 35, 36, 37, 68, 69, 83, 95, 102, 104, 115, 116, 118, 120, 126, 128, 154, 178, 179, 184, 193, 208, 235, 236, 242, 343, 345, 346, 387, 390, 419, 421, 453, 457, 458, 460, 467, 478, 479, 492, 503
Addams, Charles, 217
Ali, Muhammed, 239
Allen, Dolly, 228
Allen, Fred, 48, 62, 72, 73, 192, 221, 484, 501
Allen, Gracie, 46, 49, 180, 241, 344, 394
Allen, Joey, 221
Allen, Marty, 237, 340
Allen, Steve, 74, 394
Allen, Woody, 44, 58, 72, 93, 95, 102, 114, 146, 196, 197, 324, 342, 371, 389, 390, 432, 433, 474, 487, 496, 497
Altman, Jeff, 183, 427
Amis, Martin, 474
Amoros, Larry, 38
Amsterdam, Morey, 37
Andrews, Andy, 77, 238
Arden, Eve, 90
Astor, Dave, 136
Astor, Nancy, 137
Attell, Dave, 87, 483
Aykroyd, Dan, 247
Babbit, Karen, 74
Backus, Jim, 125
Baer, Arthur (Bugs), 124
Baily, Jim, 53, 181
Baker, Russell, 107
Bakker, Tammy Faye, 485
Ball, Lucille, 360
Bankhead, Tallulah, 241, 340
&nbs
p; Banks, Dr. Murray, 93
Banks, Heywood, 101, 207
Barner, Bill, 76
Barry, Dave, 294, 428, 448, 453
Barry, Lynda, 109, 290
Barrymore, John, 383
Barth, Belle, 413
Baylos, Gene, 83, 104, 250, 382, 432
Bean, Orson, 31, 277, 280
Bednob, Gerry, 418
Bellamy, Guy, 286
Belushi, Jim, 312, 464
Benchley, Robert, 37, 88, 190, 343, 363, 504
Benner, Richard, 197
Benny, Jack, 86, 94, 360, 457, 492
Berle, Milton, 73, 95, 96, 157, 158, 159, 160, 192, 200, 236, 237, 265, 306, 314, 346, 362, 365, 378, 419, 431, 502
Berman, Shelley, 93, 196
Bernie, Al, 95
Berra, Yogi, 339
Best, Larry, 49
Billings, Josh, 83, 369
Binder, Mike, 146
Bishop, Joey, 92, 94, 128, 423
Black, Lewis, 70, 147, 376
Blaze, Tommy, 44
Bluestone, Ed, 121
Bogart, Humphrey, 139
Bombeck, Erma, 34, 52, 88, 123, 128, 238, 373, 374, 455
Bonaparte, Napoleon, 247
Boosler, Elayne, 103, 231
Borge, Victor, 347
Borgnine, Ernest, 51
Bradbury, Robert, 180
Brando, Marlon, 14
Brecht, Bertolt, 240
Brenner, David, 354
Breslin, Jimmy, 140
Brickman, Marshall, 125, 196, 390
Brinkley, David, 418
Brooks, Foster, 46, 229
Brooks, Mel, 118, 340, 431
Brown, A. Whitney, 375
Brown, Bo, 198
Brown, Joe E., 42
Brown, Rita Mae, 111
Buchwald, Art, 77
Bunker, Archie, 310
Burns, George, 17, 46, 49, 94, 139, 179, 180, 241, 360, 363, 410
Burns, Jack, 77
Buttons, Red, 43, 72, 92, 94, 95, 100, 103, 108, 192, 229, 289, 302, 334, 374, 376, 385, 387, 465
Byner, John, 98
Callas, Charlie, 96
Callas, Maria, 150
Calman, Mel, 391
Cantor, Eddie, 152
Capri, Dick, 186, 323
Carlin, George, 27, 74, 119, 145, 227, 487
Carroll, Jean, 38, 483
Carson, Johnny, 118, 119, 226, 353, 462
Carter, Judy, 50
Cavanagh, Tim, 193
Ceisler, Rich, 419
Celeste, Jimi, 35
Cho, Margaret, 230, 242
Clark, Blake, 478
Clark, Jackie, 78
Cobbett, William, 380
Coburn, Charles, 155
Cohan, George M., 352
Cohen, Jack, 41
Cohen, Marty, 344
Cohen, Myron, 368, 464
Cohn, Harry, 345
Cohn, Roy, 153
Colbert, Stephen, 340, 377
Colson, Charles, 377
Connolly, Billy, 35
Connolly, Cyril, 311
Coolidge, Calvin, 117, 444
Cooper, Jilly, 329
Cooper, Pat, 96
Corey, Professor Irwin, 226
Coronel, William, 409
Corso, Rick, 408
Cotter, Tom, 28, 108, 167, 185, 430, 449
Cotter, Wayne, 23
Coward, Noel, 325
Crisp, Quentin, 198
Crosby, Norm, 13, 37, 116, 158, 163, 179, 213, 230, 237, 296, 349, 367, 384, 427, 432, 447, 467, 468
Crothers, Samuel McChord, 491
Crystal, Billy, 82, 95, 96, 312, 432, 464
cummings, e.e., 191
Cuppy, Will, 107, 462
Curtin, Jane, 400
Curtis, Danny, 30
Dana, Bill, 263, 361, 446
Dangerfield, Rodney, 371
Darian, Ron, 39
Dark, Johnny, 149
Daugherty, Duffy, 455
Davis, Sammy, Jr., 95
de Kooning, Willem, 379
De Vries, Peter, 62, 96, 287, 310
DeGeneres, Ellen, 191, 462
Dewar, James, 290
Diamond, Selma, 226
Dickson, Paul, 146
Diller, Phyllis, 53, 181, 242
Dobrient, Mark, 505
Dodd, Ken, 344
Donleavy, J.P., 466
Douglas, Jack, 97
Dreesen, Tom, 406, 429
Dubac, Bob, 476
Dugan, Mike, 94
Durst, Will, 40
Eastman, Max, 37
Ebert, Roger, 82
Edmonton, Jimmy (Professor Backwards), 478
Einstein, Albert, 485
Eisenhower, Dwight D., 44
Elmer, Billy, 182
Elstner, Chas, 249
Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 84, 490
Engvall, Will, 76
Ephron, Nora, 378
Fanshawe, Simon, 440
Feiffer, Jules, 97, 379
Feirstein, Bruce, 328
Feldman, Marty, 356
Fields, W.C., 138, 140, 369, 380
Fitzsimmons, Greg, 205, 224
Flanders, Michael, 194, 199
Fonseca, Chris, 180
Ford, “Senator” Ed, 217
Forfleet, Susan, 51
Forster, E.M., 466
Foster, Glenn, 480
Foster, Phil, 36
Foxworthy, Jeff, 372, 430
Frisco, Joey, 43, 73, 211
Frost, David, 290
Frost, Robert, 466
Gabor, Zsa Zsa, 153, 311
Gaffigan, Jim, 166, 481
Gale, Alan, 350
Gallagher, Jack, 360
Gardner, Ava, 476
Gardner, Ed, 346
Garofalo, Janeane, 430
Garrett, Brad, 418
Gayle, Jackie, 73
Giraldo, Greg, 308, 399
Glasgow, Ellen, 85
Gleason, Jackie, 122, 353
Gobel, George, 315
Goldwyn, Samuel, 484
Gordon, Bob, 64
Gottfried, Gilbert, 108, 396, 485
Graham, Ronny, 349
Grant, Cary, 150
Gray, Simon, 313
Greenburg, Dan, 261
Greene, Shecky, 93
Gregory, Dick, 104, 226, 453, 479
Grier, David Alan, 94
Grizzard, Louis, 417
Guitry, Sacha, 248
Hackett, Buddy, 30, 129, 401
Hale, Arthur, 272
Hall, Arsenio, 444
Hall, Rich, 465
Halsey, Margaret, 331
Handey, Jack, 87, 395
Hansome, Rhonda, 99
Harris, Bob, 144
Harrison, Rex, 359
Harvey, Alan, 453
Hays, Brooks, 344
Hedberg, Mitch, 15, 138, 197
Heilscher, Newt, 173
Henry, Bert, 128
Herbert, Alan, 444
Herold, Don, 347, 503
Hershfield, Harry, 115, 352
Hoff, Syd, 331
Hollerbach, Kit, 52, 198
Holliday, Billy, 103
Holmes, Oliver Wendell, Sr., 312
Hope, Bob, 55, 61, 83, 94, 95, 194, 227, 228, 289, 307, 333, 413, 443, 457, 465, 483, 484, 488
Hubbard, Elbert, 343
Hubbard, Kin, 123, 239, 305, 325, 443, 473, 499
Hull, Josephine, 13
Humphrey, Hubert, 81
Hutchins, Robert Maynard, 191
Ireland, Bill, 75
Irrera, Dom, 185
Jackson, Michael, 79
James, Clive, 85
James, Kevin, 192, 487
Jena, Jeffrey, 86
Jeni, Richard, 55, 123, 345, 396
Jerrold, Douglas, 290
Jessel, George, 88, 91
Jett, Joan, 498
Jones, Franklin P., 38, 484
Jordan, Will, 17
Juhl, Jerry, 77
Kaliban, Bob, 458
Kamen, Milt, 40,
200
Kannon, Jackie, 294
Katz, Jonathan, 435
Kauffman, Lionel M., 87
Kauffmann, Max, 111, 340, 408, 445
Kaufman, George S., 279
Kelton, Bobby, 418
Kennedys, The, 79
Kerouac, Jack, 398
Kerr, Clark, 147
Kerr, Jean, 52, 311
Kiley, Brian, 62
King, Alan, 50, 158, 291
Kirby, Bruce, 233
Kirchenbauer, Bill, 258
Klein, Robert, 53
Knebel, Fletcher, 489
Koch, Danny, 443
Kolinsky, Sue, 54, 110, 409
Ladman, Cathy, 262, 364
LaGreca, Angela, 182
Lang, Andrew, 491
Lardner, Ring, 198
Larkin, Philip, 489
Laurie, Joe, Jr., 496
Lebowitz, Fran, 53, 88, 146, 196, 432, 448, 482
Lee, Gypsy Rose, 18
Lee, London, 272, 342, 445, 502
Lee, Robert G., 374
Leifer, Carol, 90, 110, 307
Lemmon, Jack, 80
Lennon, John, 240
Leno, Jay, 98, 227, 352
Leonard, Hugh, 200
Leonard, Jack E., 99
Leonard, Sugar Ray, 477
Letterman, David, 13, 38, 353, 440
Levant, Oscar, 321
Levenson, Sam, 86, 181
Lewis, Jerry, 96
Lewis, Joe E., 95, 123, 136, 140, 210, 457
Lewis, Richard, 187, 262, 371
Liebman, Wendy, 33, 77, 112, 343
Lillie, Bea, 488
Lincoln, Abraham, 444
Linkletter, Art, 18, 361
Little, Mary Wilson, 314
Lombardo, Guy, 483
Loren, Sophia, 181
Louis C.K., 166, 297
Mabley, Moms, 98, 363
MacDonald, Norm, 224
Maher, Bill, 297, 413, 427
Maldonado, Linda, 55
Mandel, Howie, 46, 105, 194
Mantel, Henriette, 236
Maron, Marc, 446
Marquis, Don, 62, 484
Martin, Dean, 140
Martin, Dick, 52, 311
Martin, H., 20
Martin, Steve, 33, 61, 419
Marx, Chico, 209
Marx, Groucho, 62, 111, 179, 209, 235, 266, 307, 346, 364, 374, 496
Marx, Harpo, 321
Mason, Tom, 181
Maugham, W. Somerset, 290
Mayer, Louis B., 207, 351
McEnroe, Colin, 99
McGee, Molly, 306
McGill, Donald, 33
McKay, Hal, 409
McLaughlin, Mignon, 63, 305
Mencken, H.L., 83, 84, 96, 107, 257, 346, 394, 499
Mendoza, John, 76, 223
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 43
