The Way Home (Lights of Peril)

by Unknown

  Sadey turns to me and glares before she continues her tirade and I feel the kicker even before delivery.

  “In all my life I’ve had things; I’ve had a dog, I’ve had a cat, a rabbit, and even a bird, when I was growing up, but never did have a walking corpse.”

  That’s it. I’m done with this fuckin’ play.

  “Fuck it, Sadey.” That’s all I say before rushing her, grabbing her by the back of the legs, and throwing her over my shoulder. “We are going to sort this shit out now, woman.”

  She’s screaming bloody murder and pounding my back so damn hard that I think I feel a kidney shift, but no one says a single word to me as I walk past the commons into the mouth of the hall. No one, that is, except big brother Shame.

  “Easy with her, Hem. You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing and you are, once again, not thinking. She needs time to process all this shit raining down around her. Easy, man.”

  “Fuck ‘easy’. My girl doesn’t respond to ‘easy’. I’ve been back a day and she won’t even look at me, Shame. The train to ‘easy’ left the station hours ago. She wants reminding of how much I love her, then damn it, she’s about to fuckin’ get the invite.”

  I would stay here and argue with him, but she’s beatin’ my back blue. No one else in this room moves. They’ve seen this show between her and me before.

  Once I get her upstairs, I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with her. She calmed a bit on the way up; probably afraid in my broken form I would’ve dropped her if she kept squirming. I have to say I’ve lost some mass, but being away from her broke me. I’ve lived my life in solitary, lost in a bottle.

  After I lock the door, I stand in front of it with my arms crossed, hoping she’s not going to challenge me, too much.

  “Hem, move. I’m not staying in here with you. Move your ass away from the door. Your big head is blocking my way.”

  I don’t say anything to her. Since I’ve been home this is the first moment alone we’ve had together. She was understandably freaked-out when she first saw me, but that didn’t last long, and she went straight to pissed. I haven’t gotten to really look at her like I want to look at her. She’s so beautiful, even when she’s about to bust on my ass.

  “Hem, is your hearing not back from the grave yet? I said move, now move dammit. I don’t want to be near you.”

  Her shell of contempt for me on her face is starting to break. She doesn’t know what she wants and it hurts knowing my role in making her feel this way. She’s insecure and is second guessing everything before she says it. Even as a kid, Sadey never thought before she spoke, but she’s hesitating now.

  She walks towards me with uncertain purpose and reaches behind me for the door. She wants out of my presence. Well, I’m done hesitating, waiting, and allowing her to live alone in her own head.

  “Sadey Girl, just wait. Give me a few minutes to talk, would ya?”

  “Talk? You want to talk? About what? What is there to...?”

  Goddamn, the woman just needs to shut up.

  My hands make it to her waist and her initial reaction is to struggle from my hold. My grip on her tightens; holding her back into my front, both my arms are wrapped around her middle, trying to hold her still while she continues to reach for the door handle.

  Feeling her body pressed against mine and smelling her strawberry-vanilla scent under my nose; my body can’t help but react to her and I want my release, need my release…she is my release. I need her right now, not only physically, but I need to know she’s still mine. I don’t want to think about any another man that may have had her in my absence. The thought scares the fuck out of me, but for my own sanity, I have to know.

  “Sadey, did you fuck him? Ace, I mean…did you sleep with him?” She doesn’t answer; she’s stopped with her struggling motions. “Sugar, tell me. You let him inside you?”

  My forehead rests against the back of her head as she stands under me, my face lost in her strands of auburn. I’m waiting for the inevitable bomb she’s going to drop on us. Closing my eyes, leaning down towards her shoulders, I can do nothing but wait for the explosion. Hell, I can even hear it whistle as I feel my stomach also falling.

  “He loves me, Hem. Did you know that? He is in love with me. He was here. He came back for me. I wanted you, but he was here. He took you away, helped hide you, or whatever, but, knew what he was doing. Even then, he still came back for me, asking me to love him.

  “Ironic really, because I swear to you on all that we had, I would have slept with Lucifer to bring you home to me again. There were times, Hem, I tried to negotiate deals with the devil, offering to sell my soul to have you back for just one afternoon, if only so you could calm me and tell me I would be okay. I’m a mother, Hem. What kind of mother would think of such things, no matter if it were possible or not?”

  She looks down to the floor, avoiding my eyes.

  “Here you are now and… I don’t know what to do with this. You’ve always been the person to help see me through the rough patches. Now that you are my rough patch, you can’t help me.”

  Jesus Christ, she is breaking my heart as my chest feels like it might burst. My Sadey girl, I’ve ruined her.

  I move her hair from the inside of her neck and bring it to her back, gripping it and pulling her head up towards mine. Her pale skin is warm to the touch. I know she’s feeling what I’m feeling. She still loves me, even if she won’t openly admit it. She’s falling apart in my arms, ready to break down into heavy sobs. I’m at a total loss with no idea how to save us from this.

  She starts to cry. I can feel her tremble under my arm still gripping her waist.

  “I love you. I promise you I never stopped, Sade. My heart has been with you this entire fuckin’ time, and I swear to you, I feel it beatin’ inside me again. I get close to you and I finally feel alive again, I’m no longer dead when you look at me. I’m right here.”

  She turns around in my arms, grasping my face in her small hands. She is staring through my eyes with such intensity, I feel her touch my soul; her light, my darkness; in a battle for parity.

  “I don’t know if I can do this, Hem. You weren’t here. You didn’t see how…”

  “Let me have you, Sadey girl. I will make you remember us again. Let me have this.”

  My nose is buried in her neck and I’m using my tongue as a means to navigate her to where I want her to go. I want to light her up and let her be lost in the fire of our lighthouse. She’s unmoving, but she lets me explore her body, the harbor that I’m so desperate for during this time of uncertainty.

  I push her towards my bed while lifting her shirt up, exposing her to me, letting me feel her body. Her full breasts sit in my hands as my own body ignites. I turn to her and sit on the bed; she’s standing in front of me between my legs.

  As I look up at her, I feel the tears that are falling across my temples. I don’t reign them in because this just hurts. My arms wrap around her waist, embracing her tightly. She’s holding my head into her body, letting me hear her heart beat.

  Before I can offer her a choice to stay or go, she reaches to my face again with her hands and cups my cheeks. Looking down on me she whispers so softly, yet impossible that I cannot hear every heartbreaking word.

  She’s not talking directly to me. She’s talking about me as if I were still gone. “I don’t want to hurt anymore. Everything is so dark and I can’t breathe without you. Why did you leave me? I can’t see through this, Hem. I don’t know what’s real.” These words sound tiresome and rehearsed. I know she’s said them before.

  “Sadey Girl, I’m here. I’m right here. God, I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. C’mere, into me.”

  Without hesitation she climbs on top of me and sits straddling herself in my lap. Fuck, I’ve missed having her so close to me. I grab her waist, knowing I’ve trapped her in my embrace. She’s gripping my shoulders as she stirs slowly on top of me. She can feel my response to her motions unde
rneath and she’s playing on it.

  Her hands are exploring my body as she starts touching my neck, face, back, and chest. I don’t know what is going on in her head, but I’m not going to question her aloud. Maybe she’s taking inventory of my body, locking down a mental picture into her memory.

  “Hem, I need you to be real. I’m scared I’ll wake up from this. I’m so fuckin’ scared that my mind is bringing me through the loss by creating this. That’s what’s been happening to me, ya know? I used to hear you. I would plead for you to come to me in my sleep. I don’t know about tomorrow, Hem, but tonight I want you to make love to me like you never left. I want you to make me the same girl I was, before…”

  I stand up with her in my arms and she wraps her legs tight around my waist. I sit her on top of my now empty dresser and I catch the light from outside as it hits her eyes. It’s taking every ounce of control that I have to take this slow. Being without her has been unbearable. I want her to feel the loss I have also suffered while I was gone and then I want to take the loss she felt away from her, completely.

  She’s unbuttoning my jeans and before I can take a moment to enjoy the vision of her in front of me, she’s so turned on she is ripping at my shirt to get it off. I help her by pulling it over my head. She’s scratching viciously trying to pull me closer to her and she’s biting my chest, trying to satisfy her hunger.

  “Sugar, relax, I’m right here.”

  She’s ignoring my plea as she continues her assault on my body. I’m not against strong arming the situation, but I want her to own this and take control. I can see, after our brief talk, she hasn’t felt in control of anything since I left, so this is hers to take.

  Her hands make their way to mine and without hesitation she moves them to her breasts. I grip them hard and then pull her shirt over her head. Even before the shirt hits the floor she’s removing her bra.

  Her body is smaller than I ever remember and her piercings are all gone. Her breasts are heavy in my hands and I hate myself for forgetting how perfect they are. Giving birth and nursing hasn’t distorted her body. She’s breathtaking. When I start to pull her right breast into my mouth she shocks me with her words.

  “No one … there’s been no one since you left. I swear it.”

  She gets up and after she removes her jeans I deliver a swift hand to her ass, reminding her that I’m here and it’s me. She turns to me and gives me her smile. I can see my girl in there, beyond all the grief.

  Climbing on top of her to have my way is an exploit we are both familiar with. I never held back before and I won’t now. I take her hands in mine, pulling them over her head and pinning her down where I can look at her, into her.

  Her green eyes are laced with lust and I can feel myself pulsing just outside her welcoming entrance. I’m waiting for her to tell me it’s alright, that I can have her. I don’t want to ruin the moment we have here, or scare her away, so I take it to a whisper.

  “You’re mine still, aren’t you? You love me, Sadey. Tell me that, tell me you love me.”

  “Hem, please stop talking.”

  “I need to hear you say it for me, that you still love me. I’m not asking for you to forgive me, until you understand it all, but fuck, baby, tell me you’re still mine and that you love me.”

  “I love you. My whole life I’ve loved you, Hem.”

  She’s starting to cry. I feel her shuddering underneath me and I know she’s about to lose her composure. She’s not lying to me, my girl still loves me.

  Anxiously, she pulls me into her, wrapping her legs around my waist. She has grasped my body into her with one rough pull and I’m inside her.

  “You’re so fuckin’ tight, Jesus, baby, you feel so good.”

  “Fuck me, Hem. Take us away from here.”

  Sadey doesn’t talk like this. I don’t remember her ever being so direct, unless it was towards Mace or her mother. All her life she’s watched what she said in front of me, and since I’ve come back, she’s done nothing but use words to hurt me.

  “Sadey, no, I can’t fuck you right now. Just let me feel you again for a few minutes. Stay still. I’ve missed you, all of you.”

  “No.”

  She’s being selfish and she’s taking what she wants. She starts to move while finding her own sweet spot inside of her as she rides my cock from the bottom. She only has to squeeze me once and I struggle to maintain control.

  I move in and out of her for as long as I can, but holy fuck, she’s sending electric currents through me and I can’t hold back.

  Being a man, I don’t want to leave her unsatisfied, but I know my time is closing in, even though we’ve only just started.

  I stop moving inside her momentarily, giving us both time to come down for a moment. As I reach to her core I feel her moisture. Once I find her swollen clit, I rub it, using the same motion as my hips do, driving into her again. She shudders under me as she squeezes, trying to trap me inside her.

  “Feel me, baby? I’m here with you. You remember this?”

  Audibly she says nothing. She doesn’t need to. She answers with her hips at a faster pace and when I feel her about to unleash, I take her nipple into my mouth, drawing it hard, and flick my tongue against its pebble, continuing my fingers’ assault on her clit as I pump furiously into her.

  “Hem, please… God, Hem, don’t stop.”

  She’s always been a little bossy in bed, which I hadn’t missed…much.

  “Baby, give it to me. Let me feel you explode from inside. You’re so fuckin’ tight baby. You’ve been waitin’ for this. Do ... Not … Hold … Back … I’ve got you.”

  With my words, she does my will exactly. She’s taking everything I have to give her and holding nothing back. My girl.

  After feeling her gushing onto me, I can’t sustain. I’m still inside her as I enjoy my own release, I’m filling her again. For the first time in many months, in forever, I’m allowed to feel this with her again.

  Neither of say anything for a while. The anger is gone, but the pain still surrounds us. It’s not a smart decision, but I want her to stay with me. It’s my first night back here officially and I want to mark it as ours.

  “Stay with me here tonight and take me to meet my son in the morning?” Most likely a mood killer, but being this close to her, smelling and touching her, makes me long for the way we were before I left.

  “Okay, as long as you’re ready.”

  “Tell me about him.”

  “You’re going to see him tomorrow. I don’t need to tell you anything.” She rolls her eyes at me and starts to get up and put her shirt on.

  “No, don’t go. Please. Tell me something about him. I want to hear about him, from you, in your words.”

  She is looking at me in contemplation, struggling internally about if she should stay with me tonight or leave and not risk her surrendering her heart or sanity again.

  “That’s crazy, but alright.” I sigh in defeat, but relieved that she’s staying.

  “Okay. He eats like a horse. He will bully you into giving him more than his share of anything. He doesn’t like baths. He loves Shame. Remind you of anyone?”

  I hear the enthusiasm in her voice as she talks about the love my son already has for our family. “I mean no other person, Hem, including me, can get him to stop crying, but Shame puts his hands on him and the fight is over. You should also know that Shame nicknamed him ‘CJ’.”

  “Why would he nickname my boy at all? He needs a road name, something tough and strong, not ‘CJ’.”

  “CJ, translated for you, is ‘Caveman Junior’.”

  “Thus a road name is born.” My smile is wide and proud.

  Even though I enjoy hearing her go on and on about my son, it’s her voice that relaxes me. She sounds happy and she’s animated when she tells me stories of our child. I’ve wanted more than anything to hear her like this. This is my light.

  “Thank you.” I’m thankful for so much. Being here with her now is more than
I could have ever wished would happen.

  “For what, Hem, letting you meet your son? You’re his dad. Why would you thank me for that?”

  “For still trusting me enough to give me what I need. I needed to feel you and be with you again. I don’t know where I fit anymore, so thank you.”

  “I love you, but to any further extent, I don’t trust you. I’m sorry, but I can’t right now.”

  “Sadey, you can trust my love for you”

  Since taking her body as mine for the first time all those many months ago in her bed, I’m at a loss for words. There will never be anyone that loves me more than she does. No other person in my life, including Mace and the Club brothers, have ever loved me the way she does; without conditions or request. I’m counting on her love for me not to fail us, but rather to see us through this darkness.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.”

  --Ernest Hemingway

  -SADEY-

  Hem is meeting his son today. I’m a nervous wreck about it. So many emotions have erupted within me and not in the way I thought they would during my time of prayer for his return. My wishes were that he would come back and our lives would just magically pick up where they left off the night he left me in our bed after watching me sleep and talking to me in dreams. He had held me for hours, telling me how much he loved me, what a great mother I was going to be. I trusted him explicitly, never once giving a thought that it might be the last night he would spend in our bed before leaving and never coming back.

  My parents have decided that they forgive him so easily. Telling them he was home was therapeutic, because since all this started, I had been the last to know. I got to say it out loud to other live people that Hem has come home. I didn’t tell them any details, other than they need to trust me enough to know what’s good for Patrick and me.

  Touching him last night didn’t feel real to me. Not until this morning when I awoke inside his embrace did I finally allow myself to admit he’s home. Neither of us knows where his home really is right now. He’s agreed to stay at the club so that we can figure all this out without constantly worrying of forcing ourselves to fit together again. Things have changed between us. Asking to go back to the couple we were is asking for the impossible.