Pete and Sarah's Guide to Seasonal Sex

by Peter Birch

  ‘Me!? I can’t do that!’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because... because I’m me!’

  ‘So? If I can do it, so can you! You’re always telling me I shouldn’t be ashamed of my sexuality, Stephanie.’

  Her voice was full of accusation and I didn’t answer immediately, struggling to find some logical reason why I couldn’t take her place. Unfortunately there was only one reason, that I preferred to take the dominant role, and that was not going to convince her. It wasn’t going to convince Clive either, not with a houseful of expectant guests and his bank balance lighter by a thousand pounds. I snapped out an answer.

  ‘Just hurry up, okay?’

  This time I wasn’t left laughing, but biting my lip and imagining myself in the same sorry situation I’d intended for her; naked, bottom up, covered in honey for the delectation of Uncle Clive and his perverted friends, a plug carved from raw ginger root stuck up my bottom. It didn’t bear thinking about, because if I did think about it I knew exactly what was going to happen. I’d do it. I’d love it. And I’d utterly disgrace myself.

  I’d tried very hard to hide my true feelings from Poppy, and very hard indeed to hide them from my Uncle, but already I could here an insistent little voice in the back of my mind telling myself that I had the perfect excuse to indulge my secret desire. There was good reason too. Poppy was always going on at me to learn how it felt to take what I loved to dish out. She would be proud of me. So would Uncle Clive. He’d call me a brave girl and probably pat my bottom again, before sticking the piece of ginger root up it.

  The thought sent an excited shiver through me, and that was the worst of the awful situation I was in. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it and keep cool, the way a dominant woman ought to accept the unavoidable. My cunt was already wet and my head full of images of how I’d look and what they’d do to me, so strong I found myself shaking my head in a desperate effort to blot them out. It didn’t work, and when Clive appeared in the doorway I found myself speaking in a weak sob.

  ‘You... you’d better use me instead.’

  ‘Brave girl, that’s the spirit!’

  He didn’t hesitate, returning for the platter as I began to strip. My actions had become mechanical as I peeled off my clothes and piled them neatly to one side. I felt numb, even as if I wasn’t really there but a witness to my own shaming as I washed my body and climbed up onto the platter where Clive had placed it on the kitchen table, face down and bottom up with my hands sticking out between my thighs so that he could bind my wrists, after which I was completely helpless.

  I got it all, the roasted sausages and vegetables arranged neatly around my body, the honey sauce poured over my back and over my lifted bottom, to run down my skin like the cream on a Christmas pudding. My bottom was lubricated with butter and the ginger plug I’d carved so carefully for Poppy’s hole stuck up mine instead. The big, rosy apple I’d chosen so carefully was pushed into my mouth, leaving me with my jaw agape and completely unable to speak.

  After that there really was nothing I could do about it, which was a blessed relief as I gave in to my feelings. Four of the men carried me into the dining room, to the sound of gasps of delight and enthusiastic clapping, compliments on Clive’s ingenuity and how good I look. Clive even said grace before they set to work, first serving themselves from the food around me and eating it as the conversation grew gradually more excited, then starting on me.

  I got licked, eager tongues lapping at every inch of my body whether there was any sauce to take or not, my back and bottom, my face and breasts. Some pervert even ate the piece of ginger root before giving my bottom hole a good rimming, and several of them gave their attention to my cunt. That made me come, not once, but several times, with my head full of thoughts of what that made me. I got fucked, loving every second of it as cock after cock was inserted into my ready hole and thrust in and out until they’d reached orgasm deep inside me or all over my bottom, but I didn’t realise the full truth until a girl who’d begun to lick up the mess from my cheeks spoke to my Uncle Clive.

  ‘Hmm, yum! Push my face between her cheeks, Clive and I’ll bring her off again.’

  It was Poppy, and I bit through the apple in my eagerness to speak to her.

  ‘How long have you been here?’

  ‘Since shortly before Clive went into the kitchen to tell you I’d arrived, you little slut.’

  Isn’t She Lovely?

  Ladies are you feeling less than gorgeous this winter? Well Sarah Berry discovers the chaps who love you best when you’re in sneezing, PMT-ridden, granny tights wearing comfort mode as she introduces the ultimate fetish pinup. Woof!

  It’s funny; when chaps first meet me they’re always on their best behaviour. They compliment my shoes and my smile and try to impress on me that they’re just regular hot guys. I’m rather small and cute, you see. But when I tell them that I edit Forum, these nice boys suddenly open up and tell me their secret passions – what makes them tick. As a result, I’ve had the honour of learning that by simply wearing sweaty trainers or tights or talking about my farts, I am living their fantasies. Men aren’t just after big boobs, blonde hair and tight bums. So I thought it was only kind to share some of the interesting chaps I’ve literally come across, both online and in real life, with you…

  Curler Kinksters

  Most chaps love the end result after I’ve had curlers in my hair. But I’ve found a rather excitable young man who goes weak at the knees at the very sight of Hilda Ogden. Yes, Bob is mad for curlers.

  ‘I love it when my girl is bouncing around the place with her hair up in brightly coloured rollers,’ he admits. ‘I’m sure I didn’t have a curler fetish until I saw her in that condition about a year ago – the effect was instantaneous and permanent. Yesterday was a special day. I asked her to do something that she finds hugely difficult – to walk through the city centre with me with her hair rolled up. I did this knowing she would find it close to impossible to do. We went down a busy road and she balked. I assured her that I do these things for my pleasure and not to shame her. I did feel bad, especially as I was getting a guilty pleasure from her submission. But I handed her some Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough afterwards and she was mollified…’

  Sneezers’ Sweethearts

  When I have a cold I look shit, I feel shit and I get a lot of shit from moody tube travellers when I spread my germs over them. So I was rather chuffed to discover the thousands of chaps online who, at the slightest twitch of a nose, the merest sound of ‘ah… ah…ah…’ will be eschewing the antibacterial wipes and grabbing their cocks faster than you can say ‘gesundheit’.

  According to Andrew McCombe, an ENT consultant at Frimley Park Hospital in Surrey, there is a physiological explanation for a link between sexual arousal and sneezing. Apparently the nose contains erectile tissue, just like the clit and penis, which may also become engorged during sex, triggering the need to sneeze. There is even a condition known as honeymoon rhinitis, in which men and women experience nasal stuffiness during extended bouts of shagging.

  Indeed the internet is filled with sneeze porn sites like http://sneezingbeauties.com where unhealthy lovelies spew forth greenies for your pleasure. Admits a blogger called Bogeyman: ‘I like to see or imagine the sudden loss of control that comes with a sneeze, it’s great too if there are aftermath side effects such as quivering or heavy breathing. It’s hard to describe exactly what I feel, but it’s sort of a combination of release, relief, excitement and relaxation all rolled into one. I know that probably doesn’t make any sense, but it’s something I’ve felt since I was a child, and it never seems to get old.’

  ‘I always find it that much more amazing if there’s some sort of warning before the person sneezes and I get to watch the whole building up to the release,’ adds blogger sneeze_lover. ‘Loss of control is pretty much endemic to sneezing, especially
when fits are involved – I’m not sure what it is about a girl just simply losing herself in a sneeze that drives me crazy, but it’s definitely one of the simple pleasures in life!’

  Granny Grabbers

  It seems in showbiz the older chap always fares better. Jack Nicholson, Sean Connery and Michael Douglas were snogging pretty young things on the big screen well after they became eligible for their free bus passes. So when David Walliams lovingly locked saliva-dripping tongues with Matt Lucas’s granny in Little Britain the nation was shocked. And amused. And a little grossed out. Well, not all the nation…

  ‘We get hundreds of letters a week from young men who can’t get enough of our naked horny grannies,’ says Dave Davidson from 60 Up magazine. And the ladies in the mags are just as excitable as these young men. Take Mrs Smith. She’s got a 25-year-old boy toy. Dave opens the mag up to show an aged blonde bombshell who declares, ‘My fella loves to fuck my horny pussy – which always make me giggle. Whenever he goes down on me he starts acting as an explorer telling me he’s searching for a cave of hidden treasures. He is so much fun. His energy for sex keeps me young and sexy. I know he gets a real kick out of fucking an older lady. I don’t mind being his fantasy as I get to be satisfied every night.’

  ‘I never understand why other guys don’t find her sexy,’ says Peter. ‘She doesn’t smell of piss, in fact she smells of lavender! And, having had sex for more years than I’ve been alive, she certainly knows how to make use of my cock – especially when she takes her teeth out!’

  Woolley wankers

  Forget clothing yourself in expensive designer lingerie. The woolley wankers are happy if you turn up to their boudoir in that pullover your nan knitted for your birthday. ‘I get so turned on by the look, feel and smell of the jumpers,’ admits Mat, a 21-year-old student. ‘I particularly love the latest fashion for jumper dresses. I get off on the fact they look purely innocent but because it is a skirt bottom, there are so many things that can be done to tease. They can also be used for flashing and it is easy access to finger as if you were in public or something.’

  The young letch gets hot and bothered whenever he sees someone wearing a jumper when he’s out and about. ‘I always see girls wearing them. I just saw a young girl on the tube. That made me very erect. She was wearing a jumper dress with tights. I’d love to pull them down and enter her from behind. She could keep the jumper on and I could bury my face in its warmness then jizz all over it. That would be nice.’

  The sheepish fetishistas at www.fetishwool.net claim, ‘More and more people enjoy wearing wool and knitwear. Wool gives them a warm and secure feeling. Wool is “in”; wet look and leather are “out”!’ Take a peek at their website for the best in bizarre and colourful knitted fetish hoods, underwear and catsuits. You scratch our backs and we’ll most definitely scratch yours…

  Funky Foot Lovers

  ‘Wear trainers with no socks,’ said Tommy when he called to ask me for a date earlier this year. I’d met him at a comedy club and, within a few hours of saying hello, we’d been making out like teenagers. ‘But that’ll make them all sweaty,’ I moaned. As girl who showers at least once a day and sprays herself with deodorant regularly, the thought of getting it on with this beautiful man while smelling of anything other than flowers was a little scary. ‘No I love it. The smellier the better!’ he insisted.

  As a prelude to getting naked we decided to go to a club. Normally after a few hours of jumping around in skyscraper heels, my feet are burning. But in the trainers I was able to boogie all evening. Come 3am I could feel the sweat congealing between my toes and butterflies were forming in my stomach. Would he really like this?

  After we got to Tommy’s room, he managed to kiss me politely for a whole five minutes before he pushed me on the bed and pulled off my trainers – he didn’t even undo the laces! He buried his nose between my toes and breathed in.

  ‘Does that turn you on?’ I ventured, after five minutes.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ he said, looking rather stoned. It was like my funky scent was a drug for him.

  I could see a rather substantial erection forming in his trousers so, pulling my foot away, I got on my knees, unzipped him and released it. Usually when I suck off a man he either has his head back with his eyes closed or he stares down, smiling, at me. But, looking up, I could see Tommy was eyeing my feet longingly. In the end he laid on his back with my foot on his face while I worked his shaft in and out of my throat. Once he’d spunked, he just carried on sniffing. Seeing this was likely to go on for some time, I brought myself off, made my excuses and left. Dear fetishistas, please remember to see to the whole person and not just the object of your desire. You’re much more likely to get a repeat booking!

  Spandex Squirters

  While the ‘80s are back in fashion, it’s only the most courageous/drunk fashionista who dares leave the house in Spandex. Despite being made into sportswear, Spandex will leave you with sweaty, smelly armpits and crotch. Not the most flattering of garments, right? Well, as I’m hoping you’ve learnt, dear reader, where there’s a fabric there’s a fetish. Check out www.myspandexfetish.net and www.spandexfetish.org to see girlies completely decked out in this unforgiving fabric.

  The creator of www.unrealspandex.com loves Spandex so much that he’s devoted hours of his time to superimposing tight, shiny outfits onto naked ladies. ‘I do not deny that I go for nudity on the internet, he explains. ‘But I seem to get more turned on by women wearing shiny skin tight outfits than seeing them nude. Nude seems so… boring. I have always imagined how delicious they would look if they had tight spandex on or anything else that shines, such as satin, silk, nylon, leather. Then one day I bought a digital camera and was elated to find that it came with software that allowed me to modify digital pictures, including those not taken with my own camera. This eventually became a quirky little hobby of mine. I decided I might as well share my creations with everyone.’

  Tights Tossers

  I get a lot of letters from readers asking me what I’m wearing. Sometimes they include sexy knickers and stockings for me to put on. But my favourite has to be David.

  ‘I will admit to liking sheer-to-the-waist tights best,’ he whispered to me on the phone, his John Thomas definitely in hand. ‘I can’t remember exactly when my love of tights started, but I suddenly became aware that ladies looked lovely in sheer nylon. Although the opaque tights are nice in their own way, I like the sheer ones because they have the association with the pussy area. It’s just as well I don’t think of pussy all the time, as I would have a permanent stiffy,’ he giggled. ‘I love to see nylon-covered toes because quite often the toes indicate what is at the pussy level. Are you wearing yours now?’

  David sent me tights. Tan coloured, ‘old lady’ tights with a seam for a gusset. He insisted I wore them with no knickers and told him about it. As a girl who usually wears stockings and no knickers, it did feel odd wearing such a typically asexual item of clothing. But I had to admit my pussy did look rather delectable through them.

  ‘You should look at www.only-opaques.com,’ said David to me one day. ‘Maybe you should put a photo of yourself up there?’

  Well I didn’t put a pic up but I had great fun chatting to the boys online. ‘How I would love to kiss and tickle your sexy feet in any colour opaque tights!’ typed Jake. ‘I would really love to continue chatting with you about opaque tights and what I would do to your feet and legs while encased in that lovely nylon fabric,’ counted Fred.

  Period Paramours

  With euphemisms like the ‘curse’, ‘Taking Carrie to the Prom’, ‘Trolling for Vampires’ and ‘Massacre at the Y’, it’s not surprising that ladies often plug up their bloody cunts, making period week anal week. Admittedly, the first time I had period sex it felt great. My senses were heightened and it felt feral, disgusting and deliciously wrong. But as my boyfriend pulled out of me, his sated l
ook turned to one of horror. It looked like I’d been stabbed – by a metal sword not a meat one. But it’s worth bearing in mind that this isn’t real blood and, provided you cover your sheets, sex on periods can be great for the lady. Your love tunnel is a lot more sensitive when you’re on the blob (although some women can find they’re too sensitive for comfort), and it’s also nice and slippy. Plus a good shafting does wonders for period pain.

  The ultimate period pin up is Bloody Trixie. Her website http://bloodytrixie.com is full of photos of her bloody crevasse. She even smears her body with her natural tomato juice. ‘Most porn shows us living our sexual lives as though our periods don’t exist, sending the message that bleeding is not natural or sexy. I insist that it’s every woman’s right to be sexual… no matter HOW messy her pussy!’ she declares.

  And her thousands of followers are only too happy for Trixie to let her red rivers flow. ‘Period tastes like metal and piss, depending on how clean the lass is,’ says George, a ragtime lover from Worthing. ‘Every female has her own scent; it differs from one to the other. I enjoy the scent and the taste and what better way can you show someone that no matter what time of the month she is desirable?’

  Menstrual muff muncher Frank from Battersea agrees. ‘I managed to convince my wife to suck me when we had finished intercourse and I had her blood on me. She finally admitted it tasted good. A few times I have caught her juices in a cup so I could drink it!’

  Hot Airheads

  I’ll admit that when I fart in bed I do put my head under the covers to sniff it. There is something terribly satisfying about producing an eye-watering aroma. But in the unlikely event I let rip in front of a guy, my eyes are usually watering in shame! That was until I came across the boys who love it.