When You Make It Home

by Claire Ashby

  Maybe I was single and pregnant, but that didn’t mean I was used to being between the sheets with a strange man.

  Theo was quiet, and I held still, waiting. About the time I calmed down and my breathing became even, I was kicked. Not by Theo.

  “Oh my gosh—it kicked me. The baby kicked me.” I wasn’t sure if Theo reached for me or I reached for him, but the next thing I knew, his hand was between my belly and my hand. I knew it should have seemed too intimate, but at the time, everything felt perfect, natural.

  “Oh, there it is.” His tone was animated; the rush of his breath ruffled my hair. In the cocoon of darkness, he carefully pushed my hair away from his face and slipped his hand back down around me. I felt tapping from the inside again, and Theo pressed against the same spot. “Wow, that’s your baby. I really feel it. Tell me you’re not excited.” He held onto me under the covers.

  “Yes. Yes, I am. I’m afraid to show it. How can I be proud of a situation that’s so far from perfect?” Theo’s warmth and closeness welcomed me. His arms, locked around me, offered shelter, security.

  “You’re absurd,” he said, making his words seem a compliment. “Don’t miss this while you’re waiting for a moment more perfect than right now.” His voice was gentle, but uncompromising. “Miserable couples reproduce all over the world, and you are better than that. You can offer your baby better than that. Don’t idealize a fantasy.”

  And he was right. Because I was hung up on approval, I hadn’t forgiven myself. Focused on my indiscretions, I was denying myself the chance to rejoice in the wonderment of what was happening to me. I was going to become a mother.

  “Okay, from now on this is a celebration,” I said, and he held me a little tighter.

  “That’s my girl.” He placed his hand on top of mine, and at some point we drifted off to sleep in each other’s arms. I was certain if I had turned, he would have kissed me. Who knows what could have happened? I chickened out on all thoughts of putting the moves on Theo that night.

  The one thing I was sure of, even though he wasn’t my husband or my boyfriend, even though he wasn’t the father of my baby: I was overjoyed to share the baby’s first kick with Theo. He allowed me to experience delight in the milestone, without fear of the unknown. I could almost pretend I wasn’t alone.

  Chapter Six

  I woke earlier than usual. Theo nestled against me, one arm snug under my head, the other draped over my torso, cradling my belly. There was an unmistakable something pressed against me, but I wasn’t about to acknowledge that. I wiggled a little, but pretended to sleep. That worked, and he rolled onto his back with a slight groan. The memory of the night before felt too intimate in the morning light.

  I tumbled out of bed, rubbed sand from my eyes, and made my way to the shower. Once I got the water near scalding, I stepped in and lathered up, worries about the day ahead and the night before keeping my attention until the hot water ran cold. I blew my hair dry and covered my body with coconut butter. Wrapped in a terrycloth towel, I tiptoed back to my room. Theo sat in the reading chair appraising me; his gaze raked over my round midriff and down my legs. His blazing eyes stopped at my bare feet and retraced their journey back up to meet my mine. “Hey there.”

  “Good morning.” I glanced at the alarm clock and realized I had to get on the road in less than twenty minutes, so I hurried to the closet. “I have to get moving. I have staff meetings today.”

  I turned on the closet light and stepped in, pulling the door shut behind me. Nothing fit. After trying on three different outfits, I found a pair of black leggings and paired them with a black tunic and my Donna Karan sleeveless sweater coat, also black. I slipped ballet flats on swollen feet and rejoined Theo.

  “Is there a funeral, or are you going to a poetry reading downtown?” He smirked.

  “Real funny, you’re a regular wiseass.” But I laughed with him.

  “I’m just saying, you don’t look as if your life is a celebration.”

  “I know, I know.”

  I excused myself and headed to the bathroom, where I did a speedy make-up job and considered what he’d said. After a final swipe of mascara, I went back to Theo.

  “You’re right. I don’t fit into anything I own. I’ll hit the stores… soon.” I struggled to suppress a rising giddiness at the doubtful look he gave me. “Hey, why don’t you drop me off at work and come by later for lunch?”

  “Sounds good.” He caught the keys I tossed him, but he didn’t get up when I moved to the door.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I got a proposition for you.”

  I studied his face and decided that what I saw was hopefulness. “Proposition? What do you have in mind?”

  “When you were in the shower, I looked around your place. You got a lot to do before you have that baby.”

  “Cut me some slack,” I said with a dismissive wave. “I’ll step up at crunch time.” I crossed my arms and ignored the fluttering in my chest.

  “How about I move in and help you out?” He shrugged. “Whether you do anything or not, time is passing by, and it’s going to get harder for you to paint and unpack boxes.”

  “You want to live with me?” I swallowed, and my brain switched to Analyze and Evaluate mode. Did he like me? Feel sorry for me? Maybe he really wanted to help? Or was he trying to get into my maternity pants? Some men have a fetish for that. Uh-oh. I was pretty sure I wanted him to want to get into my pants. My head was spinning.

  The corner of his mouth kicked. “No, I want to rent a room from you in exchange for work. At the rate you’re going, that baby’s going to end up sleeping in a drawer with a cardboard box for a playpen.”

  “Gee, you sure have a lot of faith in my ability to provide for a child.”

  “The truth is, I got to get out from under my mom. She’s driving me nuts, wants to coddle me all the time. The stress is taking its toll on her. If I move out, if she’s not worried about me being alone, maybe she’ll chill before she puts herself in the grave.” He maneuvered his crutches and heaved himself up, pulling his backpack on as he headed out of the room. “So really you’d be doing me a favor, but that’s cool if you’re not into it.”

  “Hey, wait.”

  He stopped, but didn’t turn around.

  “You’re not worried?” I asked.

  He spun back to me, his eyes wild. “Worried about what?” His mouth formed a tight line. “I might not move as fast and freely as I used to, but you have no idea what I’m capable of.” His words rippled with anger.

  “Stop it, I’m not talking about you.”

  “Then what?”

  “I’m pregnant. What will people think if you move in with me?”

  “Hell if I care.” He took a deep breath.

  “Okay, then.” I failed to control my trembling voice. “You’re right, I need help. Your idea is fantastic. A little unconventional, I don’t even have a bed for you…”

  “Don’t sweat it, I’ll take care of that. Don’t worry about anything, I’ll help you get this place ready and be gone by the time the baby gets here. You can count on me.”

  Maybe he needed a distraction in his life, too. I was willing to be that for him. With my hand on my hip, I feigned confidence. “So when do we start?”

  Theo dropped me off at the bookstore just after eight. That gave me a little less than an hour before everyone rolled in for our meeting. The lights were on, which meant that Steve had made it to work before me. I dropped off my purse in my office, and on my desk I found a huge bouquet of sunflowers.

  “I’m sorry I gave you a hard time.” I turned to see Steve braced against the doorjamb with a brown grocery sack in his arms. “I’m the last person who has any business judging you for who you sleep with.”

  “That’s what I was going to say!” I c
ouldn’t resist giving Steve a jab, relieved he’d moved past the need for details.

  He held up the bag and then crossed the room to my mini-fridge. “I got you a stash of yogurt and cheese sticks, some crackers and juice. You’re not allowed to skip meals anymore.”

  As if on cue, my stomach growled. “You didn’t have to do that,” I said, smiling at my brother’s back.

  “So we’re putting the secrets behind us. Did you tell Mom and Dad?” Steve still called our stepmother “Mom,” but I had started calling her “Nina” by the time I was in high school. By then she was fine with it, because she hoped people would assume we were sisters. As long as I didn’t have to call her “Mom,” I didn’t really care what people thought.

  “No, I’ll give them a call. Or shoot them an email…”

  “Meg…” he said.

  “Okay, okay, I’ll call them.” I wasn’t looking forward to hearing Nina’s response. She had a way of cutting me down when Dad and Steve weren’t around.

  As if hearing my thoughts, Steve said, “Maybe this will help you and Nina get closer.”

  “I don’t see why. All aspects of a baby will probably gross her out. She’s not exactly warm or fuzzy… or all that human.”

  “Ha! Give the woman a break. It’s not her fault you never wanted to play Barbies. At least she tried.”

  I gave him a pained look. “Dragging a seven-year-old along on spa days does not equal trying.”

  “Just call them. Nina might surprise you.” Steve gave me a pat on the back. “You know, it’s about time somebody called me Uncle Steve.” He smiled, his eyes lighting up. “Do you want to make an announcement in today’s meeting? The sooner everyone knows, the faster the whispers will fade.”

  I clutched the front of his sweater. “Not yet. I can’t tell everyone.”

  “Hey, Meg…” Steve took my hands and held them. “Stop making this harder for yourself than it has to be.” His words reminded me of the promise I had made to Theo the night before. The promise I had made to my baby. “Besides, look at yourself. If I’d paid closer attention, you wouldn’t have gotten away with this for so long. If you want, I’ll make the announcement for you.” Then he uttered those stupid, ominous words that always left me waiting for the other shoe to drop. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

  “Okay, let me think about it,” I said warily.

  After Steve left, I returned to my desk. I took a deep breath and tried to believe the truth would set me free.

  The staff filed into Café Stay, chatting and helping themselves to coffee and juice, fresh-baked banana-nut and blueberry muffins. Sunlight sprinkled through the front windowpanes, casting dreamlike warmth where everyone gathered. I looked over our extended family. We employed a few older men, who had been hired by Grandfather, and then there was Hazel, but the staff primarily was made up of college students. We had twelve full-time employees, and Ellie had another half-dozen working for her. Steve, Ellie and I gathered on the little stage that was normally used for poetry readings and open mike nights.

  “Before we begin the meeting… Everyone!” Steve whistled, a high-pitched, demanding sound. “May I have your attention?”

  My heart stopped. I never agreed to the announcement, but Steve was going ahead without my permission.

  “This is an exciting time at The Book Stack,” he said. The room went still, and the remainder of the conversation trailed off, but my head was spinning. He was about to reveal my pregnancy, and once everyone knew, there would be no going back. But Steve plowed forward. “Meg has news.”

  The room seemed to shift as everyone turned to me. I didn’t want to make the announcement.

  Ellie took my hand and whispered, “Do it.”

  “I… I’m… I’m pregnant.”

  I swear all air was sucked out of the room, and the building lifted off the ground and then slammed back down. Cheers erupted. Everyone looked joyful, and the café filled with chatter. For a moment I believed everything would be okay.

  “Is the wedding back on?” shouted Hazel, putting her nose where it didn’t belong.

  One of the men shushed her. Then Jessica, a girl from Ellie’s staff, called out, “That’s so old-school, Hazel!” I shot her a mental high five.

  “All right, quiet down!” Steve commanded the attention again, while Ellie stayed by my side. My cheeks burned from the smile frozen on my face, and I fought the urge to bolt. Steve redirected the meeting, and amazingly, I performed okay when my turn to speak came. I counted down the minutes till Theo would swoop in and take me away.

  Okay, so maybe I was a little sensitive about how everyone reacted, but wasn’t that a side effect of pregnancy? The volume of my mood was cranked to eleven, and someone kept mashing the buttons to change the stations. But when Theo pulled up and made the simple decision to get out of the car, hobbling around to the passenger side to open the door for me, I was moved. I liked having someone do something nice for me. And what would be a kind gesture from any man became even more touching from a one-legged man.

  “How’s your day?” He propped himself against the car, drumming his fingers on the roof. I took a seat, and the scent of cheeseburgers and fries embraced me.

  “Well, you’ll be pleased to know that the secret is out.”

  “Good for you.” He shut the door and went around the back of the car. I eyed the Sonic shake in the cup holder.

  Theo lowered himself into the driver’s side, turned, and pulled his leg in. He finished by yanking his crutches in and slammed the door shut. We looked out the windshield. Staffers standing around the registers looked back.

  “Don’t worry,” I said. “They’re not staring because you have one leg. They’re gawking because they’re wondering if you knocked me up.”

  “That’s fascinating stuff. Hmm…” He smiled broadly. “So everyone thinks we’re doing the deed?”

  Heat flooded my cheeks.

  Theo’s laugh filled the car. “Don’t look at me like that—you were pretty enthusiastic about the foot massage. Maybe you’ll get lucky, and I’ll show you my other skills.” He was so brazen I joined in with his laughter.

  “Maybe I’ll get lucky?”

  He got quiet then, but his eyes held a spark of mischief as he gunned the engine.

  “Dig in.” He reached in the back seat and pushed a Sonic bag at me. “There’s a chocolate shake too.” He nodded to the cup holder and eased into traffic. “You need to fuel up.”

  I stuffed my hand into the grease-speckled bag, and I breathed in the delicious aroma. My stomach growled in approval. “This isn’t what I had in mind when I suggested we have lunch together.” But I eyed the shake as I started eating the fries. “Where are you taking me?” I didn’t really care; I was just glad to be away from work, hanging with my soon-to-be roommate.

  “You’ll see when we get there.” Theo drove with ease, steering the car with one hand, his injured arm resting in his lap.

  I bit into my cheeseburger and suppressed a moan, my mouth full of tart pickles, sweet ketchup, and juicy, hot meat. In the midst of my food orgasm, I glanced at Theo, and he flashed me a bright smile. I was again taken aback by his magnetic pull. I swallowed and reached for the milkshake.

  “So what have you been up to since your return?” I wanted to know what made Theo tick. From the corner of my eye, I thought I saw him stiffen at my question. He wore tan shorts with a hunter green, short-sleeved, collared shirt that clung to his muscular chest. His brown hair was growing longer, softening the military look.

  “You know, hanging out and stuff. I have doctor’s appointments and physical therapy. Seeing old friends.” He watched the road while he talked.

  “I bet it’s good to reconnect with old friends.”

  Theo’s brow furrowed as he spoke. “Yeah, it’s kind of strange, t
hough. I saw a few of my college buddies, and they acted really cautious around me. One guy’s wife actually cried when she saw me.”

  “Geez, that sounds awkward.”

  “Sure. The worst is when people treat me as if I’m a nut job because I’ve seen action.” His smile seemed forced. “I’m not damaged goods.”

  He had good reasons to turn the conversations away from himself. I wanted to take his darkness and make him feel light. “Suuuuure you’re not,” I teased him, trying to brighten his mood. “I can see how people might assume that about you.”

  Theo chuckled. “You better watch yourself, girl.” He poked me with his elbow and pulled to a stop in front of A Pea in a Pod Maternity Store.

  My eyes widened with realization, and a jolt of alarm shot through me. “Oh, come on. You can’t stuff a woman full of cheeseburgers and fries, force a milkshake down her throat, and then expect her to try on clothes. You should have given me a warning.”

  “And take the risk that you’d ditch me? I don’t think so.” He slid out of the car. I tried to figure out a way out of shopping, while he came around and held the door open for me. “Get out, Meg. We’ll have fun. Everyone knows now. You might as well dress the part.”

  He had a point, but I’d never shopped for clothes with a man before. Not even with Steve. Theo reached out, and when I looked up into his sparkling hazel eyes, I couldn’t say no. I took his hand. We were greeted by a bubbly saleslady, who promised she would give us a chance to look and then followed hot on our heels.

  “When are you guys due?” she asked, looking from me to Theo. I opened and closed my mouth, but Theo didn’t miss a beat.

  “What’ve we got, babe? Twenty-three weeks to go—plenty of time.” He repeated the words I said from the night before. His response caused something inside me to swell. We.