When You Make It Home

by Claire Ashby

  Truly yours,

  Mike

  By the time I got to baggage claim, my feet throbbed, my back ached, and my stomach growled, although I didn’t want to eat. I’d planned only on a carry-on with enough for a few nights, but then I got wistful. I had packed my largest suitcase with scrapbooks, photo albums of me and Steve, my favorite books, my lucky shoes, and a pregnancy journal where I kept my sonogram images. I knew I might be setting myself up, but when I jumped in I tended to go feet first.

  I sat in a blue, plastic-molded chair, pulled out the remaining four letters, and tuned out the swarm of people around me. I read until I reached the final one. It included a photograph of me and Steve wearing our gowns at our high school graduation.

  Dear Candace,

  This is the last letter I will send. They are all grown, and you’ve missed it all. You’ve missed all the beauty of their lives, the blessing of their growth; but most of all they’ve missed you. Through the years I held out hope you would come back to them. How could I have been so wrong?

  Mike

  “Excuse me, ma’am—is this yours?” an older guy asked, holding up my suitcase. “Are you alright, dear?”

  I swiped away the tears that streaked down my face. “Yes, thank you.”

  I took a cab from the airport to a high-rise in Midtown Atlanta. The air was still and humid. Beads of sweat formed on my upper lip. I wiped them away and forced the thick air into my lungs.

  A man with cropped gray hair and a neat uniform approached me in the lobby of the high-rise. “Ma’am, can I help you find somebody?”

  “I’m visiting Candace in apartment 916.” I forced myself to sound brave, confident, expected. Wanted. For all I knew she’d turn me away. But even with that risk, I had to see her.

  He led me to the elevator in a well-lit alcove. “Good day, Ma’am,” he said with a nod. Alone, I rode the elevator up to the ninth floor. I looked in the mirrored elevator doors and realized I was a little rough around the edges. I powdered my face, applied fresh pink lipstick, and ran my fingers through my hair. By the time the doors opened, my heart was pounding violently. I walked down the emerald-green-carpeted hall, reading the numbers, until I reached apartment 916.

  I knocked, and right away, I heard movement on the other side. The door swung open. She smiled, and I had no doubt: I was looking into the eyes of my mother.

  “Hello.” I smiled back at her. “My name is Meg.”

  She made a squeal of delight and jumped toward me. “I always knew you’d come see me, one day.” As she took me into a hug, I saw that her belly matched mine. My mother was pregnant.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  “Look at us.” She stepped back. “We match! I guessed we looked about the same, but not this close. Come in. Oh honey, what a nice surprise. You’re beautiful.”

  She looked like a fairy. Her tiny frame was petite everywhere except where a baby grew. Her long hair was a shade or two darker than my honey-blond, and it fell in waves all the way down to her waist. I knew she was almost forty-two, but she appeared years younger.

  I followed her into the apartment, my head spinning from the way she acted as though she’d only seen me two weeks ago. My whole life, I’d thought about what I would say to her if given the chance. But she took control of the conversation.

  “When are you due?” She sat on a faded plaid sofa, tucked her feet up under her exactly the way I always do, and patted the cushion next to her. “Sit, sit, sit. Tell me everything.”

  I dropped down next to her. “I’m due in six weeks,” I said, rolling along with the freakish way she seemed completely at ease. “How about you? Do you have any other children?” It occurred to me for the first time that my family could be bigger than I thought.

  “No, this is my first,” she said, not catching her error. “You’re so lucky to be almost done. I have eleven weeks to go.” She leaped off the sofa like a cat. “Let’s go eat.” She turned down a hall. “Don’t you want to eat all the time? I can’t stop myself anymore. I woke up in the middle of the night and made a pimento cheese sandwich. I’ve never touched the stuff before, but now it’s like candy. Oh!” Her childish laugh was musical. “Get it? Like Candy! You can call me Candy.”

  Her hair swayed from side to side as she waddled down the hall. She was definitely more of a Candy than a Candace, and we’d both be weirded out if I called her “Mom.” I followed her into the kitchen and watched as she pulled out bread and peanut butter. “Is this okay with you? I need to go to the store. I’m out of everything.”

  “Sure. Can I help?”

  “No, I’m going to make you my specialty: happy baby sandwich.” She pointed to a stool. “You talk while I cook. I don’t see a ring. I guess you’re not married either? It’s good to be independent.”

  “No, I’m not married.” I put my hand on my belly. “This wasn’t planned. But I’m really excited now.”

  “Oh, hush.” She pulled out two paper plates and put three slices of bread on each. “There are no such things as accidents,” she said, reaching into a cabinet and pulling out a jar of green pimento olives. “I really believe that. This baby is my second chance. I didn’t know I wanted that chance until Roger begged me to make him a papa.” Her face twisted into a grimace. “He should be here soon. I’ll tell him you’re from my pregnancy yoga class. Anyway…” She smeared peanut butter on four slices of bread, then marshmallow fluff that she scooped out of a jar. Next, she sprinkled mini chocolate chips over the marshmallows. “This will make your baby dance. Oh, wait. I almost forgot the best part.” She popped the jar of olives open and drained the entire jar in a salad spinner. Scooping out a handful, she dropped them on the side of my plate. “There—a bit of everything a girl needs.”

  “Thanks.” A rush of nostalgia hit me, and tears burned behind my eyes. My mom prepared a meal for me, and I ached for little girl me, who’d prepared most meals by herself. I smiled at the three-layer sandwich that towered in the middle of a paper plate surrounded by Doritos and olives. The meal would send Ellie into a diabetic coma. Then I took a bite. “Mmm…” I chewed the sugary fluff-peanut mixture and swallowed. “This is good.”

  She talked while we ate, and her easygoing nature relaxed me. Then I heard the front door open.

  She frowned. “Shit. Don’t tell Roger who you are. He has no idea.”

  “Okay.” I dabbed at my mouth with a paper napkin, listening to the footsteps pounding toward us, dread tying my stomach into knotted ropes.

  “Whose bag is out front?” His voice boomed.

  Candy put her hand over mine. “It belongs to my friend. She stopped by on her way home from a trip. She wanted to see the baby’s room.” Candy stood up and picked up our plates. I was only half-done with my sandwich, but I couldn’t eat any more—not that she asked. She dropped the plates in the trash. “Let’s go see the room now.”

  “Get on with it, Candy. The Braves start at seven, and I told Mitch we’d be there early.” He turned to me and scratched his head. “Ever notice how all pregnant women look alike?”

  “Don’t be silly.” Candy giggled nervously and pulled me out of the kitchen.

  Silly was the last word I’d use to describe the guy.

  “Did you pack the cooler yet?” he called after us.

  “Hold your horses, Roger. I’ll get it done in a minute. Meg came all this way to see our baby room.” We went down a dark hallway to a door. “Come here,” she said to me. “You ready?” She smiled with pure excitement, waiting for me to reply.

  “Yes.” I nodded, my mouth dry.

  She swung the door open, and we walked into a tiny room full of fluffy purple. The crib was white with soft lavender and yellow sheets. A baby doll lay on the pillow. The doll was the same blond doll that Theo picked out for my baby. I wondered if she had decorated a room for Steve and me.
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br />   “Don’t you love it? I spend hours in here every day. I can’t wait to bring her home.”

  Now was my chance. “Did you feel that way when you were pregnant with Steve and me?”

  With my words, a shadow crossed her face, and she looked away. “I don’t remember. I don’t want to think about it.” She crossed the room and busied herself sorting through baby outfits hanging in the closet. She chose a little dress. “Isn’t this one adorable? Look at the little bloomers.”

  “I know I came with no warning.”

  “That’s fine. This was a nice visit,” she said. “But you should probably leave now. We have plans tonight.”

  “Okay. Can we get together again tomorrow? I’ll find a hotel. You can come to me, or I’ll meet you somewhere. I brought pictures of us growing up and some recent ones.”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’m glad you stopped by, though.” Despite the kind words, her eyes took on a vacant look.

  “I’m sorry, I have to ask you why you left us.” The window for answers was closing, and I couldn’t leave with nothing. “And why did you stay away? You could’ve at least dropped by from time to time.”

  She looked me square in the eye. “Sometimes loving someone means walking away. Your father was a good man. I knew he would give you the world. You were better off without me.” She sniffled and glanced toward the door, rubbing her nose with her hand.

  Roger’s footsteps came down the hall. “Candy, we need to go if we’re going to be seated by first pitch. Can’t you ladies do this another time?”

  I put my arms around her for a hug, but she pulled away. “It’s okay. I’ll go.”

  I looked at the floor as I passed Roger on my way out of their apartment. My bag was an unnecessary burden I dragged behind me as I wandered around the street until I came to a park. After pulling my luggage through the grass, I stopped under a great oak for shade. I sprawled out, resting my head on my suitcase, and watched clouds drift across the sky. I’d figured out nothing. I was still lost.

  I booked a room at a Hilton and collapsed onto the plush, king-size bed, waiting and wishing for sleep to block out the day.

  She’d had no warning I was coming, no time to prepare. I had to give her a chance to want me back. It wasn’t ten yet, so I bargained that she and Roger might still be at the game, and I gave Candy a call.

  “Hi, Candy, it’s me,” I said to the machine, and then for Roger’s sake I added, “your friend Meg. I was happy to finally see you again today. If you want to contact me before I leave tomorrow, I am staying at the Hilton on Tenth Street. I hope to hear from you.” I considered the message I needed to give her, wishing I could be direct. “Goodbye,” I said instead, and hung up.

  Then I called Ellie.

  “Hey girl!” She answered on the first ring. Sheets rustled in the background. “Where are you? I’ve been calling all day. Theo stopped by again today.”

  “He did?” Only a day earlier, he’d kissed me in Ellie’s front yard, but a lifetime had passed in those hours.

  “Yes, and I think you should talk with him, Meg. You need to hear from him what he’s been through, but it’s really amazing.”

  “Now’s not a good time.”

  “Oh come on. You’ve been waiting for good news.” She sighed into the phone. “He had surgery to remove a bone spur and scar tissue. He’s been weaned off most of his medications. Trust me, this time you should give him a break. He’s been through so much, and he made mistakes, he knows that, but he’s willing to do whatever it takes to make it right. Meg, this is what you’ve been waiting for.”

  “I can’t think about him now. I found my mom in Atlanta.”

  “Now? You’re in Atlanta, right now?”

  “Yes, I flew out this morning.”

  “And you left without telling anyone? Are you crazy?” She made a scream of frustration. “It’s kind of late in the game to be flying. What were you thinking?”

  “It’s not like getting on a roller coaster, where they stop pregnant women. I’m fine.” I sighed. “I’ll be back by lunchtime, tomorrow.”

  “Well, how did it go? This is surreal. Was she excited to see you?”

  “No, she didn’t care one way or another that I was there. Oh, and get this: she’s pregnant too.”

  “No!”

  “Yes. We look like sisters. She was only eighteen when she had us. She said this is her second chance, and she didn’t care for the reminder of the last time she gave motherhood a shot.” Talking with Ellie was making the whole thing seem less traumatizing. “I’m numb. Maybe a little shocked. I had this stupid illusion that she’d open the door, and I’d go ‘ta-da!’ and she’d collapse with tears of joy. It wasn’t like that at all. Seeing her—her seeing me—didn’t change anything.”

  “Oh, Meg. I’m so sorry. How are you, physically? You shouldn’t be traveling, especially not alone.”

  She was right. I stopped and listened to my body. “I can’t remember the last time the baby moved.” I pressed my hand against the spot that usually caused her to kick me back. Nothing. I poked and prodded my belly, encouraging her to wiggle in protest, but still nothing.

  “Drink some orange juice and lie down. The baby is probably as exhausted as you are.”

  “Okay, I’ll call you when I get home.”

  I hung up the phone and went for my purse. I scooped up a handful of change from the bottom and went out to the vending machine and bought a Fanta Orange Soda. I made it halfway back to my room and went back to the machine for a Snickers bar. A bitter laugh escaped my mouth. I bet I considered walking away from that candy bar for longer than my mother did about leaving me. And I didn’t last. I had to go back.

  I waddled back to my room and propped my pillows to sit up in bed. I gulped half my soda and waited. No movement. Nothing.

  “Come on, little girl,” I said out loud. “Let me know you’re there. I want you. I promise you, you will never question that. Move, little girl.” I waited, but she was still. I tried to envision my life before I got pregnant, pretending the pregnancy had never happened and life had moved on. I couldn’t see it. This baby wasn’t my plan, but she was better than anything I’d imagined for myself. My mother hadn’t planned on us, so at her first opportunity she disappeared. She hit the reset button on her life and started over.

  I stroked my belly, waiting for my little girl to respond, and thought about my beautiful and detached mother. Soon I’d have a little sister that I would never know. But Candy wasn’t going to call. I had to let go of that part of me. I fell asleep sitting up. I woke up at five and ate my Snickers bar by the light of the bathroom. Two bites in, and baby girl was kicking like mad. “You and I make a great team,” I said to her. “You wait and see. Momma’s gonna get her act together when we get back to Texas.”

  After I showered and dressed, I went down to the hotel’s breakfast buffet and filled up on fruit and cereal. I wasn’t worried about missing Candy’s call. If she wanted to talk, she would have to make some effort, and I wasn’t holding my breath. Baby needed to eat, so eat I did. Just as I cleared my table, Candy came through the sliding doors of the hotel lobby. She walked to the elevators before I could reach her.

  I rushed to catch her before she got inside. “Candy!”

  “Hi, there.” Her eyes flickered to the exit. “I thought about you all night. I have something to tell you, but only if you promise to keep it a secret.”

  Her words sounded rehearsed, and she picked at the silver heart-shaped locket she wore around her neck.

  “Can I tell Steve, at least?”

  “No, you can’t. See, the thing is, it’s selfish for me to tell the truth. I want you to know so you’ll think better of me, but it’s better for everyone else if you keep quiet.”

  “Okay.” I couldn’t risk givi
ng her an ultimatum. Steve had said he didn’t want answers, but I did. I needed answers.

  “So you’ll keep my secret, even from your father?”

  She was asking me to pick sides, but I wanted her secret—that secret from my past. “Absolutely. I won’t say anything.”

  She backed me into the recess behind the elevators.

  “I was in love with a man when I went to work for Mike,” she began, her eyes going dark with the far-off memory. “Mike was a good man, he was always attracted to me, but he knew I had a boyfriend.” She pinched the bridge of her nose, and I waited, afraid to interrupt. “Well, one night my boyfriend beat me up pretty bad. He told me not to come back until…” She gripped my hands in hers and leveled a fierce stare at me. She took a deep breath and continued. “Until I fixed my pregnancy. I didn’t think I had a choice, so I went in to work to get my paycheck. When Mike saw me all busted and bruised, he took me home. He was kind to me. I couldn’t tell him I was pregnant because I wanted to stay with him. He was so gentle. He was everything I needed. I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me, but he still didn’t know I was pregnant. I knew I had to tell him the truth, so about a month after I moved in, I broke down. I was terrified after what’d happened with my ex, but Mike was over the top. He never questioned whether or not he was the father. I loved him more each day, after that. He kept me safe. He fed me, he took me to the doctor, and that was when we found out there were two of you. He said twins ran in his family. He said he was the luckiest person in the world. I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t tell him the truth.”

  “Wait, no—” I took a step back, and she moved forward.