The Monster's Daughter

by Paul Gamble

  Sharks aren’t even slightly fazed by the Tooth Fairy because, throughout their lives, they continue to grow new sets of teeth as their old ones fall out. Therefore the sight of the Tooth Fairy approaching them with a set of pliers doesn’t make them shiver in the slightest. After all, when he’s finished they can just start growing a new set.

  * * *

  5

  A SNAPPY ESCAPE

  Jack and Trudy had not expected an enormous crab with a three-foot-wide shell and legs eight feet long to come barreling down the corridor toward them. Which was a shame. Because if that was what they had been expecting, they would have been ready for what happened next.

  “This … is not what I was expecting,” murmured Jack, accurately summing up the situation.

  The crab’s shell was bright orange with random patches of white. Each of its legs were peppered with joints that bent and twisted as it scuttled toward them. Its two claws moved rapidly and snapped at the air. Instead of an ordinary orange shell, each claw was tipped with a shining metal gauntlet.

  Great, Jack thought. Not only do we get attacked by a giant crab, we get the one who happens to own a pair of steel gloves.

  The crab was within pinching distance now and one of its long claws whizzed toward them. Trudy ducked her head just in time and it swiped past her. The claw caught hold of the metal handle on the door and snicked it in two.

  “Do you reckon you can make crabsticks out of this guy?” Jack asked Trudy.

  “I can try. But he’s got eight legs and two pincers. And with this”—Trudy held up the arm that was in a sling—“he’s got me outnumbered ten to one.”

  Jack saw by Trudy’s face that she was already getting ready to use The Speed. Her face dissolved into sorrow. She was clearly thinking a sad thought that would cause time to slow and allow her to move impossibly fast.

  Jack started to think of a sad thought, but before anything came into his mind he noticed a metallic pincer shooting straight toward his head. He was saved at the last moment when Trudy pushed him out of the way. The pincer missed him by inches and he fell on the floor hard.

  Trudy took off running across the entrance hall and the crab followed her, scuttling away from where Jack sat, wondering whether his pride hurt more than his bottom.

  Like all crabs, it could only scuttle from side to side and not actually go forward. Jack found the effect disconcerting, as one moment it seemed to be lurching back to attack him before another step took it closer to Trudy. At some points, watching the lurching crab made Jack feel a bit seasick.

  As the crab closed in on her, Trudy blurred into action. She leapt forward, performing an amazing single-handed cartwheel, and landed on one of the crab’s spindly legs. She jumped from crab leg to crab leg as it swung its metal pincers, trying to dislodge her. With one arm in a sling, she was slightly off balance and almost fell twice.

  Jack decided he should at least try to help and attacked from the other side. However, the moment he stood up one of the crab’s legs ratcheted out like a rocket and crashed into his rib cage, knocking him backward across the room.

  “Ommmph,” Jack moaned as he went smashing into the ticket counter. Trudy looked up for the briefest second, but turned back toward the crab with a look of fierce concentration on her face. She was dancing along the crab’s legs like a tightrope walker. With a final leap she landed on the crab’s body and drove her one good fist squarely into its back.

  “Owwww!” Trudy called out.

  “That crab shell seems pretty tough,” called Jack.

  “No kidding,” said Trudy. She was in midleap when she was caught by a randomly flailing leg that sent her sliding across the floor.

  The crab shuffled in one direction and then the other trying to decide who to attack first.

  “Any thoughts, Jack?” shouted Trudy, who had gotten to her feet and assumed a fighting stance.

  “Working on the second part of a plan,” said Jack, who had gotten to his feet and hidden himself behind the ticket counter.

  Trudy’s brow wrinkled. “Did I miss the first part of your plan?”

  Jack popped his head up from behind the counter. “The first part of my plan is hiding behind this counter.” Jack ducked back down and started wondering what the second part of his plan might be. What he needed was an enormous pair of crab crackers like the kind that his father used when he ate lobster.

  The crab had finally made a decision about whom to attack first. It would start with Trudy, as she was clearly more dangerous and less frightened. It was a particularly intelligent crab. If it hadn’t been working for the aquarium, it might possibly have ended up as a site foreman or an architect.

  Trudy slowly backed away as the crab approached her. “How’s part two of the plan coming along?”

  “I’ve got it!” Jack yelled, waving something in the air.

  Trudy was disappointed to see that the “it” that Jack was so happy about was a large paper poster of marine animals.

  “What use is that?” Trudy grumbled as she dodged two deadly claws that zoomed at either side of her body, missing her by inches. One of them smashed into a glass tank beside her. The tank cracked open and showered Trudy in water and dozens of tiny starfish. She looked like the world’s first human astronomical map.

  “I’m going to use this chart to find out what we’re fighting and then see if it has a weakness.”

  “Brilliant,” said Trudy as she ran out of range from another lashing leg attack. “I’ll just carry on, then. No hurry.”

  Jack scanned down the chart quickly until he found a picture that resembled the monstrosity that was attacking them. “It’s a Japanese Spider Crab, apparently.”

  “Great information, Jack; now you’ll be able to tell the coroner what it was that killed me.” The crab had cornered Trudy and seemed to be almost playing with her, throwing out a leg lazily here and there, forcing her to jump and duck alternately.

  “Okay, I’m looking for weaknesses on the chart. Unfortunately, I think this is meant to be an educational tool rather than a Pokémon card—so it isn’t too big on the whole strengths/weaknesses thing.”18

  “Just keep reading. Fighting this thing is like trying to wrestle with spaghetti.”

  Jack kept reading. “Mmmm. It doesn’t say it here, but I suspect that because it’s a Japanese crab it may well know some karate.”

  “Don’t be stupid.…”

  An enormous crab leg stretched out across the room, and the tip of it came crashing down on the edge of the ticket counter, splitting it in two.

  “Okay,” said Jack, “now I strongly suspect that the crab may know some karate.”19

  Trudy waved at Jack through the split in the ticket counter. “We could really, really, really do with that brilliant second part of the plan now.”

  Jack threw the poster to one side. “There was nothing on the chart that was helpful. It didn’t tell me anything that I didn’t already know about crabs. I mean, everyone knows three things about crabs. They have hard shells, two pincers, and…”

  And then Jack remembered the third thing that everyone knew about crabs and finally had one of his ideas.

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  AQUATIC ANIMALS

  THE STARFISH

  The starfish is quite possibly one of the most amazing creatures that exists. Any schoolchild will tell you that an entire starfish can regrow from one single arm. This is true; however, what people don’t realize is that all starfish start off a completely different shape and only end up as stars after regenerating several times. They are just so smug about their ability to regenerate that the shape they choose to morph into is a star—thus giving themselves “a star for effort.”

  However, it is important to note that being able to regenerate is not actually as great an advantage as it seems. Theoretically, a starfish that was cut into five pieces could grow into five starfish—all of whom would really be the same person and therefore have to go hom
e to the same wife. As you can imagine, this could potentially be confusing and harrowing.

  It is interesting to note that because of the above, if you wish to go to university and study Starfish Divorce Law, you will need better grades than you would need to study Starfish Medicine.

  In point of fact, one area that starfish are incredibly backward in is medicine. When you can heal from almost any injury, you don’t have much need for doctors. This is why starfish are the only creatures in the world who don’t particularly like the television series Doctor Who—because they have no conception of what a doctor actually is. Which is a shame, because they’d really identify with the doctor’s ability to regenerate.

  There is also something very strange about starfish. Considering that they are not very fearsome, you would expect them to be frequently attacked by sharks and other marine predators. They would then be torn into pieces, each of which would regenerate into a whole starfish—thus increasing their number exponentially. Many scientists are unsure as to why the entire seafloor isn’t entirely covered with the smug little five-armed animals. Something must therefore be collecting or harvesting starfish, but to date we have been unable to establish who or what.

  * * *

  6

  PARKING

  Jack jumped up and ran to the opposite side of the entrance hall to a door marked Supplies. Inside he found mops, buckets, and most important, an industrial-size container of pink, gloopy soap. He quickly poured a puddle of it onto the floor.

  Jack looked up and shouted to Trudy, who was still dodging the flailing orange monster. “Get the crab to come here!”

  Trudy cartwheeled, using her one good arm. “Get the crab over there? How am I meant to do that? Invite him over for tea?” Trudy muttered as she jumped over a snapping pincer, “I swear if I get out of this, I’m asking for Cthulhu as a partner; at least he isn’t always saying ridiculous things.”

  Trudy tensed her muscles and then sprang into action, running straight at the crab and jumping. The crab’s two metallic pincers sliced through the air, each missing her by mere inches. She landed in a forward roll and sprinted toward where Jack was standing in front of the open storeroom.

  With some difficulty, the crab scuttled itself from side to side, eventually turning around to face Trudy and Jack.

  Trudy looked at the puddle of pink goo on the floor. “Jack, I know that hygiene is very important, but do you think that now was really the time to be washing the floor?”

  Jack stood up. “It isn’t hygiene; it’s a trap.” Jack paused. “Admittedly it’s a particularly clean trap, but it’s a trap nonetheless.”

  The Japanese Spider Crab was facing the two heroes. Its two metal claws rang out as it snapped them threateningly. It had clearly had enough of playing with Jack and Trudy. It slowly edged from side to side and then suddenly used its spindly legs to launch itself at them.20 At the last second before the crab had hold of them in its claws, Jack yelled, “Jump!”

  Jack and Trudy dived aside, leaving the crab to go sliding on the pink soap. Watching it lift up its pincers and legs and wave them threateningly as it spun around was somewhat21 like watching a company of semaphorists being electrocuted.

  As the crab slid, Jack pulled hard on one of its legs, sending it spinning in a circle. The crab crashed into the storeroom, its back smashing against the rear wall.

  “Jack, this isn’t going to work. It’ll just…”

  And then Trudy noticed something. The crab wasn’t trying to get out of the storeroom. It was completely still. And it looked to be very irritated indeed.

  “What have you done, Jack?” Trudy was still slightly wary of the crab.

  Jack was enjoying a feeling of overwhelming smugness; if he had been able to regenerate he would have started morphing into the shape of a star. “There are three things that everyone knows about crabs. They have hard shells, two pincers, and…”

  “… they walk sideways,” said Trudy, completing Jack’s thought.

  “Precisely. So I knew if we could get the crab to slip and spin on the soap, all we’d have to do was push him backward into the storeroom. Now there’s no space on either side of him. And because he can only move sideways he’s…”

  “… trapped.”

  “Precisely,” agreed Jack.

  Jack’s feeling of superiority was suddenly broken when the crab reached out one of its long spindly limbs and snapped a claw at him. He fell backward, but the crab still managed to snip his school tie neatly in two. Jack felt slightly less smug.

  Trudy ran forward and pushed the storeroom door shut, forcing the crab to fold up its pincers. The crab hammered at the door with his legs, but to no avail.

  “That should hold him,” Trudy said while helping Jack up. “Lucky this place has all doorknobs. Even if the crab managed to turn himself around somehow, he’ll never be able to work a doorknob without an opposable thumb.”

  Jack was looking at his tie, which had been snipped in half. “How am I going to explain this to my parents?”

  “Never mind that; I’m going to call Grey and see what we should do next.”

  * * *

  MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK

  CRABS

  THEIR ABILITIES AS BUILDERS

  As has previously been noted, crabs are one of the many animals used to erect buildings underwater.

  It is always vitally important to get the right kind of crab builder if you are considering putting an extension on your underwater house. Hermit crabs generally refuse to build extensions. Instead they will merely suggest that you find yourself a slightly bigger shell/house and move into it when the real owner is out.

  Fiddler crabs also make a bad choice for undersea construction jobs, as they have one claw much larger than the other. This means that one half of your house will be far too big, while the other side will have tiny doors that you can only get through by crawling.

  However, it is useless trying to argue with fiddler crabs about this—they are normally far too angry to listen to reason. Fiddler crabs are especially grumpy about the unfairness of the world, as they can never find a pair of gloves that fit. Perhaps even worse, they struggle enormously to find a suitable controller with which to use their PlayStation 4.

  * * *

  7

  A DAMP SQUID

  After Trudy’s phone call, Grey had promised he would get to the aquarium as soon as possible, and true to his word, he was there less than thirty minutes later. As always, he was dressed in an immaculately tailored suit and tie, with a crisp crease down the front of his trousers. In one hand he held a tightly furled umbrella and in the other he carried a black leather briefcase.

  “Why didn’t you just send a car to collect us?” Jack asked.

  Grey shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous—and leave a potentially criminal crab at large? What happened if it attacked someone else? Now, where is he?”

  Trudy nodded toward the storeroom where the crab had been trapped. “In there—but he’s just trapped. He isn’t unconscious or anything. I don’t know how to get him out safely.”

  “Don’t worry about that,” Grey said as he popped open his briefcase. “I’ve got something here that’ll do the trick.”

  Grey took out what looked like a sleek black plastic gun. It had a contoured handle with two switches on it. The barrel was rounded and fat, narrowing to a flatter muzzle.

  Jack was impressed that the Ministry of SUITs22 had such advanced technology. His previous experience of the Ministry had led him to believe that they were mostly “winging it” in the equipment area.

  “So what is that?” Jack asked. “Some kind of Taser or stun gun?”

  “And more to the point, how did you get that kind of equipment off the quartermaster? Isn’t he notoriously bad about actually giving people equipment?” asked Trudy.

  Grey went over to the storeroom door and opened it, holding the black plastic gun in front of him. The crab took one look at what Grey was holding and snapped it
s metal claws into a “hands up” position.

  Grey spoke over his shoulder to Jack and Trudy. “I wouldn’t use a gun. Guns are random and clumsy. This is a civilized weapon … for a more elegant age.”23

  “So what is it, then?”

  Grey signaled with the weapon for Jack and Trudy to help pull the terrified crab from the storeroom. They obliged.

  “It’s a hair dryer.”

  “A hair dryer?” Trudy arched her eyebrows as she looked at the weapon closer and saw the GHD logo on the side.

  “Of course a hair dryer. Crabs can only breathe if their gills are kept wet. Which is why they’re terrified of hair dryers. If I aim this at his gills for a few seconds, he’ll drop to his many knees, unable to breathe.”

  “It’s strange to think that crabs are really that frightened of hair dryers,” said Jack.

  Grey nodded. “It’s one of the reasons why you never see a crab at the hairdressers.”

  “Crabs don’t have hair,” Jack pointed out.

  “Of course they do; they just keep it clipped very short with their claws—because they spend half their life in the water and half on the land. And you know if you go outside with wet hair you’ll catch a cold.”

  Trudy still had a different question. “Anyway, how did you get the hair dryer off the quartermaster?”

  Grey shook his head. “This is my own.”

  Trudy laughed. “I didn’t imagine you’d own a GHD hair dryer.”

  Grey ran a hand through his hair. “How do you think I keep my side part so perfectly sharp? Anyway, enough with the hair-care tips. Let’s get this monstrosity outside. We’re going to have to get him to fold up a bit if he’s going to fit into the trunk of the Ministry car.”

  “Where are we taking him?” asked Trudy.