Night Shifts Black

by Alyson Santos

  ∞∞∞

  “You ok?” Casey asks when I join him in the kitchenette. “Wait, did you just come out of the office?”

  He stares down the hall, obviously confused.

  “Long story. What’d you find?”

  Casey grins, and it’s exactly what I need at the moment. I swear that smile could do anything. I wonder if he even knows the dangerous weapon he has.

  “Burgers. But not just any burger. Here, try this.”

  I’m expecting tin foil wrapped mounds to come out of the fancy bag, but instead they’re extravagant boxes of some kind. Probably high-end organic, recycled cardboard originally harvested from sustainable seaweed beds or something. That makes no sense. Whatever. It was a difficult morning. There’s a simple logo on top, which is how I know this burger is more expensive than anything I’ve ever eaten.

  I almost cringe at the thought.

  “You’re not going to laugh at me again because I’ve never tasted a burger that costs more than a pair of socks, are you?”

  “A bit sensitive, I see,” he snickers.

  “Well, sorry, but you seem to take pleasure in exposing me to all the forbidden fruit of rock star living.”

  Casey chuckles and shakes his head. “Now, you’re just being dramatic.”

  “Am I? First the champagne, now the fancy burgers.”

  “I’m from a family of twelve. Trust me, I do not need to eat like this to survive.” He shrugs. “I don’t know. I just thought…I wanted you to try something you otherwise wouldn’t. I thought you’d like it.”

  Touched on so many levels, I’m not sure how to respond at first. I don’t understand how he can keep surprising me, but his timing is impeccable. I cover the distance between us, and he stills as I wrap my arms around him.

  I can feel him laughing to himself in surprise. “What’s this?”

  “Nothing,” I murmur, resting my head against his chest. His own arms tighten around me as he sighs.

  “Will Luke be joining us?” he asks quietly, knowingly. I keep forgetting how intuitive he is.

  “I’m not sure. Maybe.” I pull back so I can see his face. “Something happened while you were out. I…I don’t know what yet, but something. It may be what we’ve been waiting for.”

  He brushes some stray strands of hair from my face, and I think about the burgers resting two feet away. So stupid, but so important that I can feel the tears burning again. After everything, after what I just endured with Luke, it feels so good to have someone taking care of me for once, caring about me. Knowing that they want to be part of my world and follow me into my nightmares to battle my demons. Casey hasn’t said as much, and maybe he never will. Maybe he will leave in a couple days to return to his other life and forget all about me, but right now, right at this moment, he is significant. He’s exactly what I need, whether conscious or not, and I’m grateful.

  “Thank you,” I whisper, and he kisses me.

  This time, I’m ready for it and let myself melt into him. I let myself get lost, starting to think maybe I can heal, too. Maybe there’s hope for me somehow in this whole whirlwind of desperation and compassion. He tastes so good, so pure, which makes no sense given what he is, but I start to get it now. What he is, is not who he is. What Luke is, is not who he is. What I am, is not who I am. None of us are. It’s the rest of the world that tells us what we are, regardless of who we are. Strip it away and we just are. Luke, Casey, me. We’re not different, we’re just burdened by different expectations.

  “Wow,” he says as we finally pull away. “Now, that’s a proper thank you. You could have just gotten me a beer.”

  I laugh and hit him, loving his playful return grin.

  “Yeah, well, these burgers better be worth it.”

  ∞∞∞

  Casey sees him first with the better vantage point, and I’m grateful he chooses to go with his easy smile as a greeting.

  He shoves the third box toward the empty seat beside me at the island, and Luke pulls out the stool.

  “Adaline’s?” Luke asks, his own lips cracking into the slightest of smiles.

  “Thought we could all use a dose of heaven after our night of Hell.”

  Luke doesn’t respond, but I can tell he agrees.

  “Callie, here, is a convert already.”

  “How can I not be?” I mutter through a mouthful of perfectly grilled brioche, arugula, beef, and a bunch of other stuff I never would have thought to put on a burger because I didn’t know it existed and/or was edible.

  “We should take her to 49th & Finch.”

  Casey’s eyes light up at the thought. “We totally should. Oh man, they have the best bar food.”

  “Bar food?” I ask, skeptically. “So basically you guys just upgraded the same stuff you ate when you first started out as a garage band ten years ago.”

  Casey grins. “Basically. Although to be fair, we still eat that stuff, too.”

  I laugh. “And you’re not 500 pounds, why? Because I’m pretty sure I would be.”

  Casey shrugs. “I don’t know, good question. Stress?”

  I shake my head. “Ok, first of all, if you’re going to hang with me, you’re going to learn to eat a vegetable.”

  “What about fruit cups?” Luke asks with snicker, and I glance over at him in surprise, then amusement.

  “Yes, that’s a start.”

  “Fruit cups?” Casey asks.

  “Part of my standard balanced breakfast order at Jemma’s,” I explain.

  “She doesn’t drink coffee either.”

  “I noticed that this morning!”

  “I like tea. So what?” I shoot back, crossing my arms. “You know what? I’m so sick of your holier-than-thou attitudes. You think I’m the one who baffles the mind? What about the two of you?”

  They both smile, clearly liking the challenge. “Yeah, what about us?” Casey asks, taking the bait.

  I grunt. “Ok, well, first of all. Explain to me why two guys with more money than they probably know what to do with, two guys who have an entire mall’s-worth of clothing options just a personal shopper away, point to the plain, ratty t-shirt and say, ‘Yes. That’s it. That’s what I want.’”

  They laugh, and Luke shakes his head. “Again with the t-shirts! You really have a vendetta, don’t you?” he teases.

  I raise my eyebrows and give them an obvious appraisal. “Am I wrong? You two look identical right now.”

  Casey visibly braces for the fight. “Well, first of all, if you recall, I’m actually wearing his clothes, so…”

  “And, second of all, I thought we already established pink polo shirts weren’t my thing,” Luke adds.

  I deflate with a pout, afraid maybe I’m losing this round. No! I’m not losing. “I didn’t say you had to dress like an investment banker, I’m just saying, would a little color or design kill you? I mean, really. It’s appalling.”

  “She just wants us to take our shirts off,” Casey teases, and I blush. I don’t know why. At this point I’ve seen both of them almost naked, one of them actually naked, and yet still I blush. Stupid Casey and his sexy smile…gosh, sexy everything. I have to force away the extremely unhelpful memories of him in a towel.

  “Whatever. You’re just mad because I don’t drool over you all the time like you’re used to.”

  “No? Really,” Casey challenges, moving around the island. He pulls his shirt over his head, and sure enough my mouth goes dry. I curse to myself. At least I’m not drooling.

  “Not even a little interested?” he continues, taking my hand and guiding my fingers over his chest, his abs. His perfectly sculpted tattooed torso. The detailed ink reminding me of every tantalizing picture I’d made the mistake of studying in my earlier search.

  I can hear Luke snickering from his seat, and struggle desperately for a witty return. Anything! Just…something!

  I swallow. His warm skin feels so good beneath my fingers and I can’t get our kisses out of my head. The way his hands moved ov
er me, the way he felt beneath my own. Gosh, I want him so much that I actually hate him right now. I especially hate that he clobbered me in this debate, even if he totally cheated.

  “Geez. Put your clothes on. Luke’s trying to eat.”

  “I’m good,” Luke interjects, and I glare over at him, but finally manage to pull away from Casey. I grab his shirt from the floor and sling it back at him. He captures it against his chest with that goofy grin that only increases his appeal.

  “And also, I don’t believe for a second that you can look like that sitting around watching TV and eating bar food, so that makes you a liar on top of everything else.”

  Casey laughs and mercifully slips his shirt back over his head.

  “Of course not. I was kidding about the junk food and stress. Trust me, they keep us on a pretty tight leash.” He pauses, and glances over at Luke. “Speaking of which, I was gonna ask if I could borrow your key and go hit the gym later.”

  For some reason, Luke looks to me first before nodding. “Actually, if you want, I’ll just call down and have Mara get you one of your own.”

  I’m sure Casey’s stunned expression mirrors my own, and it’s everything I can do to stay calm and not tackle Luke with a gigantic hug.

  “Thanks, man,” Casey replies casually, but I know he must be bursting inside as well.

  “Sure. Thanks for the burger.”

  Casey nods, and somehow we all sense the universe has shifted.

  ∞∞∞

  Luke says he’ll make the call to Mara from his room and disappears shortly afterwards for some time alone. He’s had an emotionally exhausting day that jerked him all over the spectrum, so I’m not surprised. You don’t shatter glass without drawing blood.

  Once we’re alone, I glance back at Casey who still seems in shock.

  “Guess you’re staying?” I say.

  “Guess so,” he replies with a smile.

  “What about your life? I mean, don’t you have somewhere else you’re supposed to be?”

  He grins. “Trying to get rid of me?”

  I roll my eyes. “You know I want you here. I just…I don’t know. You must have a whole other life. Obligations.”

  “Obligations,” he smirks. “Yeah. But nothing I can’t do from here. Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll be where I need to be when I need to be there.”

  He sighs. “Anyway, I do have my own place, but it’s nothing worth missing. I’m on the road so much I never thought there was any point in setting up roots.” He pauses. “I could say the same to you.”

  I almost laugh. “Please. My life is literally nothing. Talk about a pointless existence.”

  I feel his gaze and realize I revealed more than I’d intended.

  “Sorry, that didn’t come out right.”

  He shrugs. “I don’t know. Maybe it did. What does that mean? Who are you? I don’t even know your last name.”

  I look away. “No one worth your time, believe me.”

  I upset him. I can see it in the way his eyes change, that constant amusement dissolving into anger.

  “You do understand you’re insulting me, too, when you do that?”

  Not the response I was expecting. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I just …I don’t know. I just meant I’m no one.”

  He shakes his head in frustration. “What the hell does that even mean? You’re no one? So am I just an idiot then to be wasting entire days and nights with ‘no one’?”

  My heart starts to pound. “No. That’s not what I meant. Of course not.”

  He glares at me and curses. “No, I know what you meant. I know exactly what you meant. Your face isn’t slapped all over the internet and some stupid magazine so therefore you don’t count as a person in my life just because mine is. God, Callie, we basically met two days ago and I can’t even imagine not having you in my life at this point. Luke didn’t know you existed a month ago and now you’re his best chance at survival. You’re doing what no one else could! You write poetry that cut into me, and have made me laugh so much these last couple days it’s actually starting to get painful.” He draws in a deep breath, and I can only stare in stunned silence. “So stop with the ‘I’m a nobody’ bullshit and tell me who you really are!”

  I bite my lip and shift in my stool, doing everything I can to sort through the explosion. There’s so much there, it’s so heavy, I don’t know how. I cover my face with my hands and lean my elbows on the counter. He doesn’t respond, he’s waiting for my decision, and I suck in a deep breath. Is he proving to be my hammer?

  “I’m Callie Roland, twenty-three, born and raised in Shelteron, Pennsylvania.”

  I finally dare to look again, and his eyes have softened. He takes the stool beside me and holds out his hand.

  “Casey Barrett, twenty-five, born and raised in Houston, Texas.”

  “Houston?” I repeat in surprise, remembering Luke’s recent journey.

  He nods and gives me a sad smile. “Elena Barrett Craven was my sister.”

  ∞∞∞

  My heart stops. I stare at Casey in shock, not sure what else to do. It can’t be…but it almost has to be at the same time.

  “I’m sorry to just dump that on you. I thought you should know. Maybe that matters, maybe it doesn’t,” he says quietly.

  “Of course it matters!” I cry, still shaken from the news.

  He looks away. “More pieces of the puzzle, huh?”

  “More insight into you,” I correct, taking his hand. He glances at me, and I see that it was my turn to surprise him. “I’m so sorry, Casey,” I continue, my heart breaking as I recast everything I’d understood about the situation into a new light. “And yet you stood by him? Cared for him?”

  Casey stares at the floor. “We were both hurting. Maybe I thought we were standing by each other in the beginning. But I wasn’t the reason for her downfall, he was. I was able to forgive myself and continue to love her after she was gone. Luke’s pain was different.”

  I hug him then. I can’t help it. I don’t know how else to explain how he never ceases to amaze me.

  “You’re a special person, Casey Barrett,” I whisper.

  He laughs against my hair. “You’ve only known me a few days. I’ll get on your nerves soon enough.”

  I squeeze tighter, finding that unlikely.

  He pulls back and searches my face. I want him to kiss me again, but don’t dare to hope lightening will strike a third time. A brief struggle flickers behind his eyes before he finally smiles and sits back.

  “So does that mean I’ve won enough points to continue our Dead Head marathon?”

  I groan. “Do we have to? Right before bed?”

  He shrugs and gives me that look I’ll never be able to resist.

  “Fine,” I concede with a sigh. “But I maintain the Power of the Mute Button.”

  “Deal. But no fast-forwarding.”

  I grunt. “Deal.”

  ∞∞∞

  I can’t sleep that night. Our Dead Head binge turns out to be the least of my problems as I stare at the ceiling of the guest room. Casey took the couch, and part of me wants to wake him up just so someone else can share in my misery. But I realize that would make me an awful human being, so I manage to stay rooted under my sheets. Still, I don’t know how much longer I can lie here with my riotous mind.

  While thoughts of Luke pound against my skull like always, it’s surprisingly Casey’s face that keeps me awake tonight. I can’t stop thinking about his revelation, about the number of conversations he’d had that he could have made about himself, and didn’t. Here I’d been counting on him as my support, Luke’s rock, and he’d had as much reason as any of us to need an anchor. He calls himself Luke’s brother and I’d been assuming that was figurative.

  I think back to all his warnings about me falling for Luke. No wonder he was so sensitive to that likelihood. And here I’d been annoyed with him for being intrusive. For overstepping his bounds. I was the one stomping all over his hea
rt and mocking his fences.

  I have to fight the urge to go to him now, to wake him up with a confusing explosion of words and feelings that will make no sense to him since he hasn’t been in my head for the last three hours. And that’s when I realize I have no choice. I have to do something before I self-destruct. There’s only one way I know how to capture what I’m feeling. One thing that helps me turn the chaos in my head into something livable.

  I climb out of bed and grab my laptop.

  “How was I supposed to know your smile was only a distraction?

  How am I supposed to feel, stuck in veiled conversation?

  Because you never let me in, now I have to watch you drowning.

  Quiet suffering speak!

  I’ll stay here, don’t look down.

  There’s nothing waiting for you on the ground.

  You’re stronger than you’re feeling now.

  I’ll stay here.

  I’ll stay.

  How was I supposed to know you wore silence like some worn out fashion?

  How are you supposed to heal, so afraid of our reaction?

  Because you have to let me in, please stop all of this pretending.

  Oh quiet suffering speak!

  Quiet suffering, I hear it. Deafening.

  Quiet suffering, I feel it. Pounding.

  Stop these games, you don’t need it. They’re maddening.

  Quiet suffering, I don’t believe it. I’m waiting.

  I’ll stay here, don’t look down.

  There’s nothing waiting for you on the ground.

  You’re stronger than you’re feeling now.

  I’ll stay.”

  Day Nineteen.

  I was sure I’d be the last one up because of my late night, but there’s no activity in the main space when I emerge. Casey glances over at me from the couch with a groggy smile, and I know he’s just woken up as well.

  “Morning, Sunshine,” I chirp, motioning him to move back on the couch so I can sit by his legs. He adjusts, and I place my laptop on his chest.